Restoring a relationship with food.

This post has been on the tip of my tongue (can you even say that when blogging) for a few days now, but it’s hard to put on paper. It’s a topic that I find very relevant and might be of interest to some of you as well.

I want to talk about restoring a relationship with food after a period of disordered eating. And by disordered I’m not talking about the typical eating disorders of anorexia and bulimia – you can have a disordered eating pattern just from going through a stage of extreme dieting, or from being orthorexic. Although my own personal experiences are based on recovering from anorexia – I think some things are just universaly true.

First off, restoring a proper relationship with food takes time. The longer you’ve had disordered eating patterns the longer it takes. It makes sense – it takes time to break those bad habits and negative thought patterns you’ve put around food. It takes time to realize food is fuel -there is no “good” and “bad” food. It takes time to come to grips with how far you’ve ventured from what healthy really is or should be, but this is really a crucial part in the whole equation. So be patient, give yourself time. Don’t expect to wake up in the morning and for things to all of a sudden be ok – because it doesn’t work like that.

Start with little baby steps. Once you realize just how far you’v ventured and how far you have to go to reach “normalicy” things seem pretty overwhelming. Don’t try tackling everything at once (for instance introducing fear foods, breaking compulsive eatings habits, eating in front of people and not sticking to set meal times). There were times I’ve felt so “mototivated” I tried doing everything at once only to quit a short time later because it was too much to handle at once. Remember – it’s a sprint and not a marathon and if you consistently make little baby steps one day at a time, you will get there in the end.

Don’t expect it to go the way you want it to. When I was so stuck on recovering the “right way” and changing my eating habits the way I wanted to – I never got anywhere. I only really started making progress when I gave it the “skrew it all” mentality and just ate food. And no – it’s no easy. And there were days I ate too little, and days I ate too much, days I binged and days I ate completely irrationaly. But only through those experiences did I learn and make progress. And though it was sometimes hard, in hindsight I see it couldn’t have been any other way,

Don’t be too hard on yourself. When going through all of this you might feel like the only one out there with these problems – the only one that has these crazy cravings or hunger or whatever else you’re experiencing. There were times that all I was going through made me feel like the scum of the earth (particuarly binging tends to trigger these sorts of feelings). But realize that if anyone went though what you went through – chances are they’d react the same way. If you gave a starving child from a 3 world country normal portions of food he’d react in the same way. He’d eat small amounts when his stomach was still so shrunk he couldn’t handle any more, but as soon as he could eat more he’d most likely start “binging” on 3000+ calories of food a day, because his body was crying out for fuel to repair the damage that had been done. Would you judge him for behaving this way? Not one bit. So why are you being so hard on yourself.

They don’t need to “control” their eating habits and neither do you.

Keep the end goal in sight. Recovering from disordered eating is a long and tiering process. You will feel like quitting more then once before you reach the end of your journey. But never forget where you’re going – to a place where food no longer controls your life, a place where in equals not just fuel but enjoyment as well, a place where guilt and anxiety no longer have a seat at the dinner table. It takes a while to get there – but let me tell you, once you do it is awesome! All the work it took to get you there seems like nothing compared to the freedom you feel. I’m still just getting a taste of all this – but I have a feeling it only gets better from here on out.

Any thoughts/tips on restoring a healthy relationship with food? If you have struggled with disordered eating in the past – what was something that helped you develop healthy habits again?

Never did I ever

• Never did I ever think I would see my weight gradually rising – when at a healthy weight and be 100% ok with it (ok so maybe 99%, but it’s still good :))
• Never did I ever think I would be able to buy a chocolate bar and snack on it- just because I wanted to
• Never did I ever think I would end up looking forward to eating delicious meaty dishes
• Never did I ever think I would be so upset over someone throwing away my coconut oil (FAT!!!) cuz “hey, I was planning to eat ALL of that”

You will be missed  😦

• Never did I ever think I would exercise less then 3 times a week and be ok with it
• Never did I ever think I would end up snacking on two tablespoons of raw honey straight out of the jar (the sugar!!! the horror :P) Yes, I did in fact take this picture at work, and if anyone saw me I’m sure they think I’m a total whack job 😛
• Never did I ever think I would randomly take a picture of myself in honor of my new and improved body with no makeup/primping done and put it on the internet (Still tough for me not to pick my body apart in this picture, but I think it’s awesome I have hips again:D)
•  Never did I ever think I’d be this free of an ED
• Never did I ever think I would end up blogging for two whole years – but here I am.                                                                          Happy 2 year blogversary to “A new start“.

 

Truth be told I wasn’t even planing on writing this post, till I saw a reminder from wordpress congratulating me on my 2nd blog anaversary and I figured – I owe this blog a little something 😉

What is something you thought you’d never do?

My thoughts on the paleo diet.

Those of you who have been following my blog a bit recently might have noticed me mention the “paleo” diet once or twice on here. Ok, so a bit more then once or twice 😛 You might be wondering what it’s all about – why I am into it/how it’s working for me (and my long time readers) /how can a once vegetarian girl switch so rapidly into a different lifestyle with little or seemigly no remorse. SO I thought maybe I’d share my experiences with you and hopefully answer some of your quiestions.

First off – what is the paleo diet?  It is (as taken from a paleo webiste)a diet based upon eating wholesome, contemporary foods from the food groups our hunter-gatherer ancestors would have thrived on during the Paleolithic era, the time period from about 2.6 million years ago to the beginning of the agricultural revolution, about 10,000 years ago. These foods include fresh meats (preferably grass-produced or free-ranging beef, pork, lamb, poultry, and game meat, if you can get it), fish, seafood, fresh fruits, vegetables, seeds, nuts, and healthful oils (olive, coconut, avocado, macadamia, walnut and flaxseed).) Everything else is basically off the menu for one reason or another (there is PLENTY of information out there if  you want to read into it).

Why I started experimenting with it. Well aside from the fact that it’s popping up everywhere – both on the internet and the blog world, I first started looking into it as a diet that was healing for people that have various gastro-intestinal problems. Also, I was going through a very rough time finding the balance between eating too little/too much/binging and constant sweet cravings. I had already tried vegan, vegetarian, ultra-clean diets in the past so I figured – why not try something new?

Thing is – I suck at sticking to strict diets. Ironically enough after 5 years of really controlled eating habits all I want to do was break loose , even if it kills me (and believe me sometimes my digestive tract does). So I switched between looser and stricter paleo eating weeks – depending on my time/mood/motivation. Here are some of my observations over time.

– I haven’t been eating grains or beans for a while now, and have noticed a definite difference in the amount of pain I’m in on a day to day basis. Even the bloating has been more manageble for the most part. Oats still tempt me like crazy, and I definitely want to try to experiment and see if I can make them at least a little more digestible. But lets just say the last time  tried lentils – I suffered for two days afterwards.

The combo I miss most at the moment – overnight oats (sigh :()

– Dairy is a hard one for me to cut. There’s something in it that my body just craves like nothing else. However it does give me stomach issues – the week I was stictest paleo and didn’t have any was the week I felt the best.

– Paleo works best for me NOT low carb. Meaning I need to be able to eat my fruit and starchy veggies to my hearts content. Otherwise I have major brain fog, have no energy and am cranky the rest of the day. Maybe I’m not “fat adapted” yet, but there’s not too much I can do about that.

–  I crave meat now like crazy. Seriously I feel like I haven’t had a proper meal unless I’ve had some animal protein (eggs/meat/fish). Occasinally I try using peanut butter, nuts as a protein source, but it’s definitely not the same. I guess my body just craves all the protein to repair all those cells, muscles, organs that have been neglected for so long.

– In order to be at all satiated on a paleo diet you NEED to eat a lot of fat. I know I still don’t eat enough compared to how much I should, which is why I still get sweet craving from time to time. But really the meals where I have a hefty amount of fat are like night and day compaired to when I don’t.

Coconut oil is awesome! It’s seriously become a daily staple for me – I use it for almost everything.

– Paleo style eating has eliminated a lot of sweet cravings and binge/overeating tendencies. I’m pretty sure it’s the combination of eating enough protein/fat, but I’ve definitely noticed a reduced sweet craving. Sure I’ve eaten my fair share of dark chocolate along the way, but it’s no longer a post meal habit. Also if I eat a proper breakfast and dinner, generally the urge to snack/graze all day is way less. As soon as I try to eat less real animal protein or fat – those crazy cravings are back and my eating habits are all over the place. For example eating a bowl of oats with a scoop of PB would never last me over 3 hours- but 2 eggs fried in coconut oil with some turkey deli meat and a tomato last me 4 hours or more (depending on the amount of oil/deli meat) I use.

 

So although this way of eating makes me feel good and has normalized my eating habits to a certain extent – I’m wary of it because it’s pretty restricting. As someone who is still recovering from an ED (definitely more recovered then not though :P) I feel I need to be careful not to take things too much to an extreme. Which is why I try not to stay to strict – I still eat dairy and other “non-paleo” things if I feel so inclined. However doing that I still have digestive issues, whereas the week I was pretty strict with it – there was nothing of the sort.Also, it’s pretty expensive if you want to be strict with it – so I end up modifying it u quite a bit to fit my budget restrictions.

Another problem I have with paleo eating is an ethical issue. I was mostly vegetarian for almost 3 years and eating vast amounts of meat still bothers me. I can’t afford humainly raised meat most of the time, so I eat whatever is available. It just seems selfish for me to be constantly eating this much meat/eggs – even though I feel better physically then I have in a long time. No meat substitute seems to be working for me anymore, so I feel kind of trapped 😦

Alright so those are my experiences so far. If you have any more quiestions about my experiences – feel free to ask.

My quiestions for the day:

What are your thoughts on the paleo diet?

Any advice on my dilema with following a strict diet and not becoming obsessed with it?

 

 

Life now….

Hip hip hurray, a weekend at home!!!!

This is the first weekend at home I’ve had for a looooong time and it feels amazing.  I keep whining about how busy I am, and really I feel like I’m constantly running around and never getting around to the things I want to do. Example – I’ve been wanting to write up a post since the beginning of the week – and I only get around to it now. I wonder if it’s because I’m not good at time management or I really have that many to-do’s? Oh well, I guess I just need to learn as I go.

Mentally and health wise things are pretty ok. I would be lying to say that everything is a-ok 100% of the time, that I just love my body and how it looks, that my eating patterns are completly normal etc. But I will say that I really don’t think about it much – I do my best to eat in a way that is good for my body and that makes me feel good, I try to exercise when I can (recently it’s been 2-3 times a week :P) I try to stay active and move around a lot. And I try to be happy with what I’ve got.

I used to live in a dream world that when I reached my goal weight I’d be 100% happy with my body, that I would love everything about it and not want to change a thing. Well, sorry to bust your bubble – but that’s not really the case.  I don’t always love my body, there are days that I have horrible body image issues – but overall I’m trying to learn to accept it – squishy parts and all. The more I obsess about it and try to change it – the worse I feel. So instead I’m learning to accept – accept the fact I will never have under x% body fat, accept that I will have a bit more “padding” on my tummy – I’m a woman after all, nothing shocking there. The less I compare myself to others and just accept how I am right now, the better I feel about mysef, so I’m trying to do just that.

Food recently has been really eat to live, don’t live to eat. Practically all my meals are of the “grab and go” variety, can’t remember the last time I spent longer then 30 minutes preparing AND eating something. I actually need to work on slowing down and mindfully eating more, because I find myself with some stomach unpleasentries simply from trying to shovel my food in within 5 minutes. But we live and learn, and with everything I’m trying to learn to find balance in this area of my life.

Remember when I went through a “binging” stage. Well I’m glad to report that it’s pretty much over. I actually haven’t had that “bottomless pit” feeling in a while  (last night was an exception because I exercised and didn’t eat enough during the day – but I would catogorize that under “late night snacking”) Not sure if this is because I’m at a healthy weight or because I am eating about 50% paleo. Meaning meat, eggs and oils again again – and more then I have in years. I won’t lie – the ethical issues still bother me A LOT,  but when beans make me feel like razor blades are travelling through my intestines, too much tofu makes me bloat, and it’s hard to eat enough nuts to constitute proper protein – you don’t have a whole lot of options. But really, if you have a problem with binging – look into upping your protein and FAT. Seriously the more fat I eat the better I feel – it’s still kind of hard for me because I have hang ups with that, but I’m working on it.

Eggs – almost a daily breakfast for me – scrambled in coconut oil with spinach and tomato

Since the start of winter I haven’t been drinking my smoothies as much – but this was a nice treat – classic protein powder, spinach, banana (topped with homemade banana/coconut butter)- yum!

Random snack plate – pickled herring (love), various veggies in the fridge, PB and hummus. I actually ended up eating a few PB bites with the fish and it was surprisingly good.

More eggs – fried in coconut oil of course

A more adventurous I tried Carrot’n’Cakes “French toast breakfast scramble” I added 2 eggs an one banana and nixed the honey since it was too sweet for me anyway.

(None of these pictures constitute a full meal – these are just the food I actually SAT DOWN for. Believe me there was multiple peanut butter spoon dipping action going on between, during and after 😉 )

And what else – that’s about it/  As I say every time I post I will try to post more about my thoughts, day to day happenings etc – if I get around to it 😉

Enjoy your Sunday everyone 🙂 And here’s to a happy week ahead.

Love and other complicated things….. (about learning to love yourself first)

(Warning, you are about to read the sappiest post, possibly in the history of your life. So buckle up and bare with me if you think it’s worth it)

Ok, so I’m going to start off by saying this post is going to be intensely personal, and although it’s kind of weird to write these kind of things up for all to see, it’s something I do want to get off my chest. Also most of those reading this blog I already consider friends,  so it’s not all that strange for me.

Valentines day used to be a difficult time for me. Generally I spent most of my valentines days pretty miserable, because I didn’t have that special someone. This might not  seem like a big deal to some of you, but relationships and all things love related have a kind of negative connotation with me.

Let’s just say I’ve never had a normal relationship. For real. I had a few flings here and there in my early teen years, but nothing serious. The first time I “fell in love”  (can you even call it that if you’re that young) was when I was 15.It was a dark time of my life, I was struggling with some pretty intense depression along with going through all the normal teenage insecurities you go through at that age. In any case I guess I kind of latched on to the first person that showed me any kind of  kindness. And he was a nice guy, don’t get me wrong, and to this day I wonder if he didn’t by any chance feel the same way. Of course before anything could develop he moved further away and although he would still call me and tell me how much I meant to him, and how much he missed me etc., the next time I saw him he was snuggling up to another friend of mine. Well all that to say it was a harsh slap in the face for a girl that was as naive as I was back then, and definitely did little for my self esteem.

Then came my first ( and kind of unfortunately last ) relationship. I had actually met him a few years back when I was 13 at a music festival. We kept in touch more or less and there was definitely some chemistry there, but never met up since then. Anyhow when I was 15 he offered to come visit me.  I figured, why not? So we worked everything out and during that short visit I managed to fall in love with him. He made me feel beautiful, noticed, special – everything I was desperately needing at the time. And it somehow happened.  He was my first 😉 and I wanted him to be.  I remember crying the night he left, and knowing I would never forget him.

Turned out I didn’t have to, because he decided to move close to where I was and stay for good. He felt the same way about me I did about him, and to be honest at first I was overjoyed. My parents cautioned me not to get involved, he was much older then me (21) and I was still young and naive. But what girl listens to her parents, especially about things like that? I threw myself head first into this relationship, expecting it to be roses and rainbows the whole way.Well I was in for a shock,  because you should never put all your hopes on one person. I’ve blocked out my memories and burned all the journals from that time, because they were just too painful. It turns out the “love of my life” had a dark side. He was a manic depressive, and definitely fed that side of my nature. He was also emotionally and physically abusive to me and blamed me for this fits of depression. He was horribly possessive and jealous – I couldn’t do ANYTHING without him. I never said the right thing, did the right thing, was good enough. He often told me that my only positive attributes were my good looks. Around this time I started my extreme dieting that turned into anorexia. He knew about it, but did nothing to stop it. I desperately wanted him to, wanted him to support me, to pull me out of the the dark hole I was getting sucked into. But he had his head to far up his own ass (sorry for the language) to notice I was disappearing before his eyes.  Our relationship lasted about 6 months, and as much as I felt trapped in it and hurt by it, I loved him too much to let it go. They say love is blind and that is what my love was, blind to how much he was hurting me, blind to the fact I deserved better, blind to the fact that you can’t help anyone who won’t help themselves.  In the end my friends and family (most of whom didn’t know about my relationship) decided even this friendship of mine was hurting me too much to let it continue. Later on they told me that it looked like my life was being sucked out of me a little more each and every day. Anyhow my parents basically banned him from seeing me again (at this point I knew it was for the best), and he had a screaming fit right in front of my house – almost like he was possessed  It scared me so bad – that scene is ingrained in my head forever. He had been drinking and said and did some horrible things that night – he threatened to kill himself – and at that moment I believed him. Some of my friends were crying, the air was tense. But I was strangely numb – I had no more tears to cry after crying nearly daily for the last 3 months.  I felt like he had taken everything from me – every last shred of dignity, self-respect and hope I had. And all I was left with – was an eating disorder to comfort me.

Since then I’ve never let anyone into my life. Sure I’ve had a few “friends with benefits” you might call them – but it was always all in good fun, and I never let it get serious. I used guys as a numbing mechanism when I was sick – because for the few moments I was with them I felt wanted/loved/like I was something again. But I never let them any deeper becaus e I didn’t feel like I deserved it. Deep inside my heart I felt I was nothing, good for nothing, worth nothing.

But over Christmas something changed. I met up with a very good, old friend of mine. We have a funny relationship – somewhere between friends with benefits and best friends. I’ve been with him through a very bad break up of his and he’ s been with me through my hospitalization and the ups and downs of my ED.  But I’ve never let my guard down – not even around him. I still tried to hold it together – even when I was at my worst. He was always the one doing the talking – and I was always listening. But seeing him again – something was different. I didn’t notice it at first, I thought maybe it was because he had a potential girlfriend and I was afraid of losing one of my best friends. But one evening after having quite a bit too much to drink I broke down and I told him everything. Yup, I was one of those crying girls at bars that I swore never to be. Actually after my last boyfriend I swore never to cry in front of a guy – period.  But at this point I was just tired – tired of being ok, of keeping everything together, of being strong. I told him everything – what was really going on at home, about the worst relapse of my life, about how I was scare of facing the future. And he held me and listened. Anyhow one thing led to another and I spent the night with his arm around me (again a girl chronically afraid of affection). And in the morning I realized – shit – I love this guy.

Wow, putting that into words is hard, because I don’t like admitting that I let someone into my life like that. It’s still hard for me to accept that I made myself “weak and vulnerable again”. But just letting those guards down was the most liberating feeling ever. And this love is a lot more mature then the ones I had before. This guy has a girlfriend- and I’m ok with that. We never talk – probably for that reason – and I’m also ok with that. Sure its not easy for me to think of them together, not sure if I could actually handle seeing them together. But I’m happy he’s found someone he’s happy with. I’m happy just knowing he’s happy. And even though we’re not in touch, and we might never see each other again, I don’t regret opening myself up to him. Because he made me realize something about myself – I finally love myself enough to let someone else love me.

So this Valentines instead of being depressed about having no one I celebrated the fact that I can now accept that I AM worth something, that I DO deserve someone that will treat me right, and that there are nice guys out there. And if I’ve managed to open myself up to one person and not be betrayed by them – it can and will happen again. And some day I will find the right person for me.

Quiestion of the day – was this the most sentimental/awkward post in the history of this blog or not? 😛

WIAW – a strange change

So remember when I told you all I was going to try to experiment with my diet a bit to find out what worked – well the last few days I’ve been doing just that.

I was thinking of doing a day by day recap of what I’m eating/how I feel, but that just got too restrictive/obsessive for me. Yeah, and I had a few bad days that I didn’t feel like talking about. But I will say I am learning a lot about my body as a result, and so I think that’s a plus.

So to recap what’s going on now – I decided I was going to try to eat semi “paleo” style (like this woman here – who also has some weird stomach issues).  Yes for someone who’s been eating semi-vegetarian for the past few years this is a weird change. But not entirely an unfounded one. I’ve tried strictly vegetarian, almost vegan and grain based diets for a longe time – and to be honest, my body just isn’t having it anymore. I’m gluten intolerant, lactose sensitive and the last time I ate lentils – well let’s just say my stomach felt like it was digesting itself for the next 3 days. Grains make me feel horribly heavy and bloated, and while I always interpreted it as my body “healing”, that’s not really the case. The last few weeks have pushed me over the edge with constant stomach issues, skin break outs, sugar highs and lows and what have you. So I decided, why not try something new?

Carrot custard (cooked carrots, non dairy milk, coconut oil, egg and flax – no sweeterner cuz the carrots were sweet enough)

Apple omlette with yogurt saue

Cottage cheese, banana, almonds

Protein pancake with a chocolate tahini sauce and apples

Other random breakfasts/pre-workout food – omletts with apples, protein pancakes and cottage cheese with banana’s and nuts

 

So far my paleo-ish diet is a work in progress. Basically I’ve severely limited grains, dairy, and I’m trying to watch my sugar and coffee addiction as well. I eat loads more eggs, lots of fish, some chicken and nuts/nut butter galore. That and veggies and fruit of course. I’m still working on upping my fat intake (as recomended in the paleo diet ) but I’ve already noticed a few changes.

I eat less sugar – I crave less sugar (fact)

Fats = full

I need animal protein to be full without being so bloated/in pain I can’t move

Dairy in large amounts = a dairy binge (I’ve heard people that are allergic can experience very intense cravings for dairy, and it’s definitely like that for me. Once I start I have a very hard time stopping – which is kind of what triggered my last post 😦 )

snack time – salmon and egg mash with carrot sticks

Lunch pt, 1 – chicken, roasted veggies, peanuts

Also I’m switching up my cardio to weight training most of the time. I love the cardio- high that running gives me, but there’s something to be said for the burn you feel when you lift weights as well. Also my goal now isn’t to lose weight – it;s to gain muscle and curves which is hopefully something I will accomplish

So yeah, that’s me for now. I am planinng to keep this up forever? Probably not. Is it working for me now – it’s a work in progress. Am I open to change – definitely. But life is a fun adventure, and sometimes you’ve gotta try new things to know where it is/isn’t at.

As a side note I reached my target weight last week. Yeah you can congradulate me now Not sure how I feel about it yet (highest weight I’ve been in nearly 3 years)…. but I’m trying to look on the bright side

Do you experiment a lot with your diet, or have you basically found something that works for you?

Operation love your body pt 2.

Ten things I’m loving about my “new body”

1. I have/am getting curves. I’m looking more like a woman as opposed to a pre-teen boy.
2. I have energy – I can walk, run, dance, clean, work and do the things I love without feeling faint, exhausted after less then 20 minutes.
3. I can go into clothing shops and try on clothes and have them actually fit, and most of my old clothes are fitting better as well
4. My hair, skin and nails are all much stronger, looking healthier.
5. People no longer stare at me because I am so painfully thin, I’m getting less and less comments about my low weight.
6. I can walk around in a t-shirt , or tight clothes without feeling self conciouse
7. My eyes have that old familiar sparkle in them again.
8. I can sit for over half an hour and feel comfortable, my bones don’t poke me.
9. I have so many more possibilities now, both in my work and personal life, that I didn’t have before.
10. I can look in the mirror, smile, and say “I love my body” and mean it 50% of the time 

 

 

This my friends  is a picture of a REAL woman. And she is beautiful – curves and all!

(This list wasn’t easy to write out. Recently I’m having really bad body image days – generally due to the constant bloating going on right now, and feeling kind of frustrated about it. But at times like this it helps me to remember what this is all for, why I want this. It gives me the little ooph I need to keep on going and moving in the right direction – even when it’s the last thing I want to do at times.)

What keeps you motivated to keep up your healthy habits ?

Experiment – day 1 and 2

Thank you guys who commented on my last post. It’s good to know that you’re not alone in all this appetite madness. It really does get a bit overwhelming at times, but I’m trying to keep a positive attitude and enjoy this whole learning process.

I thought it might be fun to do an online journal of sorts of this eating experiment of mine. Since it’s  all a learning process I thought maybe if I put it out there it might be helpful to someone else down the line. And if not, well it provides some perspective for me in the long run. So here goes…

 

Day 1:

Breakfast was a protein omlet/pancake of sorts topped with apple sauce, almonds and flax.  Was good and filling, but didn’t sit in my stomach too long, no stomach pain (which is always a plus).

The rest of the day my eating was sporatic because  was on the go all day long, working out some paper work at my uni. Snacks were fruit and lunch was split pea soup and some rice cakes with butter and an egg. I seem to be cravin butter like it’s no bodies buisness, I’m imagining it’s my bodies way of asking for more fat. My evening meal was eaten at work – that was a PB sandwich and a banana. I think I’m in the habit of muching in the evening because before sleeping I drank a cup of steamed soy milk and called it a night.

Day 2:

I woke up SO hungry this morning. Usually it takes at leat 30 minutes to an hour after I first open my eyes before my appetite kicks in, but today it was there since I opened my eyes.  I was missing my beloved oats and decided to try some this morning, but I was so hungry I felt it wasn’t enough so I boiled an egg as well. After eating I was STUFFED, but my stomach hurt, I was bloated and then hungry less then two hours later – what the heck?

 

I should have known to eat sooner, but I was silly and I tried to hold off my hunger till lunch – BAAAD idea. Ended up eating way more junk then I wanted to for lunch and then feeling guilty for the rest of the day because of it.  Lesson learned – listen to your body and not your head. The rest of the day was some pretty sporatic eating at work – I was starving all day and seemed to be munching anything and everything and drinking loads and loads of coffee.  I still need to figure out if the oats were the cause of my stomach troubles this morning, and if a carb heavy meal is really what I need to kick off the day. Also, I think I need to go on a mini-sugar and coffee detox – I still have my pre-exam habit of 4 coffees a day, which is robbing my body of vitamins and seriously sabotaging my energy I think.

So goals for tomorrow – drink less coffee, eat more fats and learn to savor your food/don’t let yourself get too hungry.

Also operation “love your body” needs to get a seriouse boost because I had my first really bad body image day in a while :(. I actually broke down a little earlier on because I just feel so… bleh. Anyhow, tomorrows a new day, and hopefully a better one.

 

What’s one food you think you could never live without? For me it used to be my beloved oats – but I guess life likes to surprise you when you least expect it.

Why, hello there appetite.

Ah, I love the human body.  So simple, yet sometimes so complicated.

Eating – seems simple enough, right? Like fueling a car, you put gas in and it runs.  But somehow for us humans it’s not that simple. Food is not only fuel – its a way of bonding, a way of dealing with emotions, a distraction, a source of pleasure, or a source of fear – depending on who you are and what situation you’re in.

Right now, I’m having a really hard time finding the right balance between eating to live and enjoying my food, eating healthy and occasionally indulging, exercising moderation and not restricting. To be honest, I’m kind of sick of thinking about this all the time, I wish I could just eat intuitively lie I could before all this crazy ED stuff started. I wish I hadn’t put my body through all it went through till now, so that it could actually know what it wants.

For the past few weeks my appetite has been through the roof. Pre-exams I thought it was a result of me studying so much and my brain needing extra fuel. So I fueled it and passed all my exams much better then I expected too :). But did my appetite die down post-exams – not one bit. As a matter of fact, right now it seems that I am CONSTANTLY hungry.  Every hour after I eat a meal, I seem to be hungry again.

Part of the reason I no longer post pictures of my food is because I hardly ever actually eat just what I serve myself – there’s always seconds, or even thirds along with a bite of “this or that” involved.  Even when I try to plan my meals out ahead of time, by the time I do eat I am so ravenous I can’t bother to snap a picture – not that it really matter though – because I eat more/different food then what I serve myself anyways.  And it’s scary.

This has been me more times then I care to admit.

It’s scary because I feel like I’ve totally lost control, it’s scary because I am gaining weight and I’m worried it won’t stop. It’s scary because I’m craving foods I used to NEVER crave before (ham?!?!) and even occasionally foods that are bad for me physically (dairy). The health care system here is crap – so no doctor can give me any decent advice and a good dietitian/nutritionist is pretty much unavailable here. So I’m on my own.

But instead of freaking out I am going to examine the facts here:

1. I am still underweight thus my body needs more fuel. Gaining weight is good, no matter how “bad” it feels right now.

2. Being more hungry means my metabolism is revving up (also a good thing)

3. It’s a fact that my body will freak out for a little bit, especially since I haven’t been feeding it properly for almost 4 years now. It’ll take a while to figure it out – no use panicking about it.

4. Normal people also need to figure out what way of eating works for them – some people eat paleo, some vegan, some eat according to the RDA guidlines, others eat completly against them. There is no right/wrong way – and it takes time to learn what will work for you.

 

What is NOT working for me so far:

• trying to supress my appetite – restricting is NOT a good idea for me. My body knows what it wants and if I won’t give it willing – it’s gonna get it one way or another (i.e a binge)
• eating acording to a strict plan, or eating TOO intuitively. If I don’t have a general idea of food options I tend to freak out and eat everything in sight, and my life is too unpredictable for me to set up a strict eating schedule

So what’s the plan now:

I am going to exeperiment and find out what works for me. It’s gonna be a trial and error process I know, and there will be ups and downs. What I’m going to focus on is trying to eat healthily (at least to an extent) and let the rest come as it will. Right now is actually the best time to be doing this sort of thing – because I can afford to gain a bit, so if I do – no big deal. Later on this might be a whole lot harder, if I’m worried about gaining weight.

So as of tomorrow I’m going to amp up my protein and fat content (including the animal protein there) and see what that does for my satiety levels (something ala paleo style- without all the crazy restrictions). Stay tuned 😉

 

Any thoughts? Advice? Experiences?

Operation love your body.

……

(I really have no idea how to start this post)

Ok, well let’s start by saying the body image has always been an issue for me. ALWAYS. Since I was a teen I worried about how I looked, I compared myself to my friends – their hair, complexion, body shape and the list goes on. I don’t remember being really happy with myself since age 11.

Of course things got worse over the years. Enter hurtful coments when I hit puberty and started putting on weight, an emotionally abusive boyfriend and ED and I was set w with enough negative body image  for life.

I never ever felt pretty, or at least not for a very long time. There were times between the ages of 11-13 that I felt attractive at times, but aside from that – nope. Even decked out with makeup and dressed well I can’t help but feel stangly unattractive, like something just didn’t fit. Even when people told me I looked good I never believed them, i just thought they were being nice.

Being extremely skinny I never felt pretty either. To be honest in the past year my eating issues never really revolved around me being “thin enough”, at a certain point I could tell I was too skinny – I could just never stop, you know? I have actually sat in front of the mirror and cried at the sceletal figure I saw staring back at me. But I never seemed to have the power to stop.

I can happilly say that now I’m a world farther away then I was then. So much so that for the first time in a LONG time I have “fat” days.  And guess what – it sucks! I’m happy my body has changed, that I’m filling out, that I walk around in a t-shirt and not have people stare at me because I’m sceletal. But….. there still are those little bits of my body I wish I could cut out and THEN I would be happy.

But would I really? The answer is – probably not because I’d find the next thing I don’t like to pick on. The problem is not with my body, it’s with my head. And untill I get things straightened out up there there’s no way I’ll ever be ok with things down here.

So I’m starting operation “love your body”. It’s a tough one, because I’ve never been at a place where I love my body, I’ve never really reached contentment. But the road to any accimplishment starts with the first step, I’m going to take that step.

So exercise no.1 for this week is: look in the mirror and tell yourself one thing you like about yourself.

 

Have you ever had or do you have body image issues? How did you get over them, how are you getting over them?

Name one thing you like about yourself?