Coming back

It’s been so long…

Yet in moments like these, I seem drawn to this place. A strange memory surrounds my blogging history, I am so far removed from the girl I was when I first arrived here. And yet- something keeps calling me back. I believe there is a sense of freedom when I write here, as well as a sense of belonging, Here , within a community so far removed from my day to day existance – I feel like I can express my innermost thoughts and feelings. Here, I feel as if, in some strange way – I belong. Here, amindst the millions of people that rome cyber space daily – I have friends, real friends, people who truly love and care for me – something that has been strangely missing in life as it is.

Life, is more wonderful and complicated then I ever imagined it to be. I thought after my struggles and victories nothing could ever surprise me or turn my world upside down – but boy was I wrong. I have been through extreme highs, and dizzying lows. But nothing could compare to the whirlwind of emotion that i am in now. It is as if I have forgotten when it is like to feel, to truly lose yourself in utter abandon to the dizzing rollercoaster ride that are emotions. And it is so exiting, yet exhausting at the same time. It is hard to love with such total abandon that all you care about is someone else’s happiness, regardless of what it means for you. It is impossible to go about the duties of day to day life without thinking of them, caring about them, worrying about their well being. And yet, the pain of knowing that there is no end in sight, that these feelings can go on for eternity with no respite is a daunting prospect in itself.  A part of me wants to run, wants to numb, wants to do anything not to feel. And yet… I am reminded of a time not to long ago when I COULD not feel, when feelings were abstract words with no meaning behind them. And so I take this rollest coaster ride – not knowing where it  will take me. I hope against hope that there is a happy ending, but if not I will enjoy the journey and this new sensetion that is feeling.

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AIn’t got no time for this.

Hi all.

I have officially come to the conclusion that blogging is something I will be doing very sporatically and on occasion, simply because as much as I delude myself that it’s otherwise – I come to the end of the day and often the last thing I feel like doing is writing up  my day’s adventures – which are pretty avarage actually. I’m not an athlete, a mother, a cook, a health food nut – actually it would be really hard to put me under one lable.

Today I almost had a mini panic attack thinking of all the things I am getting into starting next month – I will be teaching Zumba (this includes all sorts of marketing before hand), translating, teaching english, co-running a buisness, studying, babysitting …. and I’m sure there’s something I’m forgeting. When you lay it all out there like that is seems pretty overwhelming, though I’m sure it IS manageble with enough forward planning and all that. It’s just amazing to me that no matter how much I feel like I have on my plate – I always seem to manage to pile on more. Not that I’m not greatful that I have all these opportunities – it’s just a heck of a lot of work.

In line with that- I need to find the balance between working and taking care of myself. My stoach has been flaring up again, which calmed down a bit when I focused on my diet a bit more and eating right. Odly enough for someone who used to be obsessed with food, most of the time I feel like I can’t be bothered. I just grab what’s around and try to make due. Unfortunatly, my body isn’t as keen on this way of operating as I am, which means most of the time I need to put in a bit more forward thought and planning. My meals are still by no means gormet, but they still require a bit of thought and planning.

2013-08-17 09.15.43Avocado pudding! I actually do so much better on a high fat diet then any other – if only I could keep at it 😦 (silly lingering old habits)

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(Regular work lunch – pickled herring – or any other meat, salad, dressing – easy, breazy, ugly :P)

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Another new obsession – zucchini smoothies (with apple, protein powder, zucchini and PB). I’m actually obsessed with zucchini in all forms – this is just one.

And other unphotographed snacks:

In other, very happy news I taught my first Zumba class on Sunday – to member of my family :). It was a test run kind of thing, but I had so , so much fun. I litterally couldn’t stop smiling all evening afterwards. I just love having found something that makes me so happy, and I can’t wait to start classes for real.

As far as body image and eating fobias go – sure I do have bad day and good days. But I’m slowly learning to push the bad days to the back of my mind – I really don’t have time to wallow in my issues – I have a life to lead. Some days I look back at how obessed with food I was and how much time I spent thinking about it, cooking it, counting it, measuring and I now think – what I bloody waste of time. Seriously it seems so selfish to me that I could live so in my own little world, while ignoring life moving on in front of me. But as they say – better late then never.

In other, very much unrelated news I’m thinking of a fairly drastic makeover sometime soon. Stay tuned (and hope I make a wise descision)

SO yeah that’s me, for now. Till next time – whenever that is

What I’ve been up to..

So a new obsession has temporarily taken over my life…

But before you all freak out don’t worry – it’s for the best (at least I hope). Remember a while back I told you all about my Zumba course. Well naturally it was the funnest weekend of my life –  I mean 2 days of dancing with great music and awesome people – practically like a 16 hour party 😉 Then I went to Czech on holiday, came back and threw myself heart and soul into preparing for my first class.

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To be honest – this all came at a good time. Anyone who ever battled an ED can tell you that when you lost that “identity” you have a hard time finding yourself again. Dance was always a part of me, and although for the longest of times I wasn’t well enough to do it, it was something I’ve always loved. I also enjoy fitness, moving, getting sweaty and tired. Zumba does that for me- and more. Being an instructor gives me an identity to tap into- it provides me contact with people I might otherwise not reach out to, it introduces me to another, very positive community. It makes me feel happier, more fulfilled. It gives me something to work towards – another goal in my future.

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Dyploma time 🙂

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There are however, a few bumps in this journey (unfortunatly last I checked I still live in the real world). I live in a small town, and there is only one other instructor here – who isn’t too thrilled to have me around :(. She also has a very solid fan base, and I have a hard time imagining trying to find my niche in the market. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed – wondering if I’m good enough, have enough charisma, if I can even still dance. Somedays it all feels like a waste of time and money.

My body image is also constantly changing . Dancing in front of a mirror for an hour a day minimum isn’t the easiest for someone used to picking themselves apart. Add that to the fact my apetite and weight are all over the place recently (lots of cardio makes you HUNGRY – and I’m at a stage if I’m hungry – I eat, junk food or not), and you have a pretty troubling duo. I’m still on top of it,but lets face it, some days I just don’t feel like the dance diva I should.

Food is no longer the focus of my life in any way, however I need to focus on taking care of myself better. There are quite a few bad habits I have picked up along the way, which need to be corrected if I want to keep working at 100%. But today started with an avocado pudding (part of that focus is more healthy fats), and I’m hoping it’ll only go up from here.

 

I know seems scary, but it tates SOOOO good, and so far my insanely sensitive stomach isn’t objecting – so win win 😉

Why oh why do you need to title post… it makes things just feel way too formal.

Oh, and by the way – hi guys.  I know we haven’t talked in a while but anyonw who blogs knows that if you blog fairly regularly and then stop for whatever reason, it’s crazy hard to get back into the groove. But then again, most everything has been crazy recently in both good and bad ways.

I had an amazing vacation in the Czech Republic about a week ago. Really I wish I had taken more pictures (although someone out there has some) and blogged more, but to be honest I really couldn’t be bothered. I was way too busy enjoying life to want to document it. Basically it was total chill out mode – glasses of wine, amazing food, awesome company, lots of dancing, lots of drinking, ocasional (but kick-ass) work out. All in all, a great time, so great it’s really hard to get back to day to day life.

Actually I’m still in kind of a crazy state of mind at the moment. I’m not content where I’m at, but I’m not really sure where I’m going. Once you’ve been obsessed with something for so long, once you let it go life becomes incredibly complicated. All of a sudden you a flooded with dreams, hopes and ideas for the future, and no idea where to start and how to go about it.

And yes, being in a supportive enviroment would help. Since I feel finantially and emotionally obligated to help my parents we are in very close proximity for the time being. Which would be ok provided they were a little less lost then I am. But my dear bi-polar father makes life at home a constant battle field, while my saitly mother tries to hold it all together. And I alternate between turning a blind eye and breaking down because it’s all getting to be too much.

On the upside I have so many plans, so many dreams, so many idea. I want to do so many things there simply aren’t enough hours in the day. Blogging is one of them, and although it’s at the further end of my list of priorities, I miss you all insanely and hope that those of you who are reading this realize that my absense is not because I don’t care about you, but because I don’t know what to tell you. Sort of like my random rambling here, which have turned into a massive brain fart :P. But at least you know I’m alive, that I haven’t forgoten you and that I hope to pop by in the near future. Take care and love you all. S

The new me….

I know I promised this post a bit sooner….

But life just has a way of taking you by surprise when you least expect it.

I was at my friends wedding on Saturday and between the last minute preparations (got my hair done, bought a new bag, the whole nine yards), dancing till dawn and then encountering some food poisoning (fish left out on the table over 8 hours) and a hangover that I’ve never before experienced- Sunday was a day cut out of my life. Although my head didn’t thank me the next morning, and I haven’t felt more miserable in a long time – no regrets. Why? Because I’m finally living life.2013-07-06 16.05.19

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The old me would never have gone to a wedding where I don’t know anyone, where there are copious amounts of food involved, and an unknown situation. But this new me jumped into it with both feet, had an amazing time and feels awesome.

I’ve decided it’s time to start coming out of my shell and to start living life. If there’s an opportunity I take it- for better or for worse. Life isn’t about food, or exercise or knowing exactly what I’m doing from one moment to the next – life is about living it.

So I’ve been doing some other daring things recently, and possibly the most daring of which is happening this weekend.

I love dance. I really, truly do, with all my heart, soul and mind. When I was younger it was always my dream to be a dancer. Some kids changes what they wanted to be a million times growing up- but not me. I always wanted to be a dancer. Growing up I was always involved in dance in some way or another – I was in dance troups, I organized dance troups. I loved dancing – I danced when I was happy or sad, when I needed to say something I could never manage in words.

Then dance was replaced by another obsession, a much more unhealthy one, one that controlled my life for nearly five years.

One of my key motivatons in recovery is that I wanted to be able to dance again. When I was at my sickest I was tired after longer walks, much less dancing. Plus my prefered dance form is Latin – and the basis for that is curves.  So in my current state it was out of the quiestion – but the goal was always there.

Now that I am at a healthy weight, I’ve been wanting to do something with dance for a long time. I (unfortunatly) lost too many years of my life to dance professionally. I did, however think of something as a substitute. I signed up for a course, and this weekend (yikes) I am traveling down to get certified.

I am going to be a Zumba instructor.

Just saying (typing) that makes me feel all jittery and exited at the same time. This is so incredibly out of my comfort zone that it’s scary. To be a Zumba instructor you need to be full of confidence, passion and positive energy. Till now, I didn’t feel I had it in me, but I’m ready to take the plunge. What will happne in the long run remains to be seen – all I know is this – when I’m dancing I forget the world, I forget my problems, I forget the struggles of day to day life. It’s just me the music and the rest of the world fades. I dance because it makes me incredibly happy, because it makes me feel confident, sexy, happy in my new body. I dance because I love it and will never ever stop loving it.

My life is no longer about food, or exercise, or the perfect diet or schedule. My life is about living it, loving it an enjoying every single moment. And I have a feeling I have an awesome ride ahead.

And yes…. that’s my early morning ramblings for today (early morning because I’m typing it up at 5:30 AM, and I’ve been up since 3:30 – ouch!).Just wanted to share that with you all.

And I’m back….

Hi all.

Wow, I was looking back at my last posts and have realized that my blog has become a bumbling blob of negativity – so not cool. No but really. I was tempted to delete the last few posts and even though it’s still a tempting option, I realize this blog is meant to sort of document my journey – and my journey has its ups and downs.

But I’m ready to switch the down back into an up again – so here goes.

I already started feeling better last night- after a upbeat Zumba class coupled with some awesome “So you think you can Dance” action – I felt much more ready to look at things from a more constructive, outside perspective. So lets get down to the facts – shall we.

Switching to  a “paleofied” (because I have never full on paleo) has helped me in a lot of ways – health wise. I realized my body is not a fan of grains – not sure why, not sure if it’s forever – but for now – it’s a fact. Possibly because for all my years of being a vegetarian they were practically the only thing I ate besides vegetables and fruit, I lost the balance somewhere and my body decided I had overdone it,

Also fruit – I love it, I eat it, but it does crazy things to my blood sugar levels. Let’s face it – I have a messed up metabolism from all the crazy things I have put my body though – no surprise there. And I do need to play around it a bit, because when I “let it all go”, bad things happen.

Fact – my body doesn’t trust me yet. Although I am at a healthy weight, have more energy than every and feel much better then I have in a long time – it will still take a while to restore the balance  with my body that I need. I believe it’s possible, and at some point in time food will just be food to me. But till then – I will work with what I’ve got that be thankful things are as good as they are.

Anyhow – back to the paleo diet – I believe it works if you do it right – problem was I wasn’t doing it right. I like food – I like eating 5-6 times a day. It does get inconvenient sometimes, especially when I’m really busy – which is when paleo really appealed to me. But intermedient fasting , eating one huge meal a day etc – not me so much.  My meals had become boring and monottonous – and I believe the reason for my binging was because was missing some vitamin or mineral somewhere along the line. Thinge were getting out of balance, I was becoming afraid of certain foods – too much sugar etc, and substituting them for unhealthy yet “safe” food – for instance – diet coke.

So now it’s time for a change, time to get back to the basics of healthy eating. Grains still won’t be a regular part of my diet – because I just feel better without them. But I want to experiment with adding some more beans and legumes to my diet. Yes maybe they’re the “devil” but I miss hummus in my life.

I am tired of trying to fit into a mold of good and healthy. I love to lift so I will do that, but I love to run so I will do that to. I love to dance so I will do Zumba (chronic cardio my ass). I love to eat so I will eat. I love to read so I will read and I love to cook so I will cook again. And every time I fall I will get up to fight ten times stronger. Because I love to live 🙂

And here are some things that have been making my life amazing recently

Zdjęcie0282A quick snack – strawberries, protein powder and quark

Zdjęcie0277Turkey burgers and salad

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Perks of being a teacher – end of the year chocolates

Zdjęcie0279A recent staple breafast – 2 ingrediet pancake, strawberries, peanut butter and yogurt

Zdjęcie0270A on-the-go salad. Eggs, deli turkey meat, salad.

Always moving forward

Hello, hello

Thank you all who stopped by to comment on my last post. I know this blog has been ghost town of late – but those of you who “know” me still bothered to stop by an read it despite it all, which makes me feel very loved :). Really sometimes I feel like my strongest support group as far as recovery is concerned is right here – in cyber space. And because of that I am really, really thankfull to have you all in my life.

Really looking back on the progress I have made in the past few months is incredible. Really, I’m not sure what changed or where, but it feels awesome. I think at some point I just made the choice to break out of my shell and embrace life – with  all of it’s ups and downs , worries and problems. Still don’t regret it, doubt I ever will.

But…. I am stil SO far from being perfect. As much as I feel I am doing well, there are still several things I struggle with, actually more then several. I’m going to share them with you all, not to put myself down, but just to help you realize that it’s not like you wake up one morning an are “better”. It’s a long process to learn to love and accept yourself as you are and deal with all the little day to  day things that come up. But every day is a learning experience if we make it so.

So…. what am I currently working on:

– Eating mindfully. I think at some point I decided that eating was to complicated to overthing, so 80% of the time I end up just shoveling what is around into my mouth and getting on with it. Of course as unproblematic as it may seem – it leaves me feeling unstatisfied (mentally anyways) by the end, and always just a little guilty kinf of like “where did all that go?” I know food is fuel, but it’s also enjoyment and I need to find that balance in treating it as both.

– Listening to my hunger/fullness cues. This one sort of relates to the previous one, but I often have a hard time feeling “full”. I realize that often I am physically full, but overall mentally unsatisfied. This generally comes from denying myself food for so long, I realize that. But I still aspire to get to a point where I can sit down to a plate of food and satisfy myself – both mentally and physically, without overdoing it or on the flip side – restricting because it’s just “too much food”

– Numbing my emotions with food. When I was eating around 1000 cal a day, if I was feeling depressed, tired, annoyed, stressed – it was usually down to malnutrition and eating helped me feel a bit better. Now I am no longer malnourished, but it’s still ingrained in me that food is the solution to my promlems. Stress hits – and I look frantically for something to much on, tired – same story etc.  Not that it’s oh so horrible that I deal with my emotions with food – but I’d much rather blow off steam by talking about a problems rather then digging into a chocolate bar and being left with a feeling of emptiness and stomach ache afterwards.

So yeah, that’s about the long and the short of it. I still have days that I overeat, days I deal with my emotions through food, days where my attitude towards it is “disordered”. The diference is now I treat each of these experiences as a lesson and I fight to move forward and learn along the way.  And because of that these days are slowly becoming fewer  and further between.

And since we’re on the possitive note of enjoying food – here are some of my delcious indulgences of late:

Zdjęcie0264A fresh banana/orange/strawberry juice as study fuel from a coffee shop down the street

Zdjęcie02672 ingredient bancake with strawberries, quark, yogurt and protein poweder – love me some weekend breakfasts 😉

What bad habit are currently working on breaking?

Proud

Today I steped on the scale for the first time in months.

– Beep – the number flashed back at me. For a few moments I was afraid to look down. But it was now or never.

** kgs the scale read, putting my BMI at the magic 18,5. This was my hospital release weight, the weight I fought tooth and nail not to stay at after my release.

I waited for the familiar wave of self loathing to hit me, the typhoon that never failed to wash away my happiness. I waited for those thought to come rushing through my head – of how many X calories I needed to maintain this weight, or better yet – lose just a “little” bit.On the flipside – I waited for the feeling of accomplishmet – that I had “arrived”, that I was recovered.

Instead, I felt nothing – it felt like I had just typed in 1+1 on a calculator and was looking at the number 2 that had just appeared. I felt no emotional attachment whatsoever to the number staring back at me, and then I realized.

Recovery is NOT a number, t’s not an amount of food you eat, or what you “can” eat, or how much you weigh. It’s hard to really describe what recover is- possibly it’s something different for each person

Honestly, I don’t know if I’m recovered yet. All I know is that I a reout of my accomplishments and acheivments. And what are those you might ask? I am no longer the skinny girl – or the girl who eats the least or the healthiest. I am the girl who sings on the way home, who more often then not feels sexy in her skin, who is dealing with 9 upcoming exams, teaching a pre-school grop, organizing kids parties/events and giving private english lessons (before just the thought of two exams was enough to give me a panic attack). I may not be recovered, or maybe I am, but I sure as heck am proud of my accomplishments.

A pessimist told me – “you may be sober, but you’ll always be an addict”. I would phrase that differently. You mat be sober, but you’ll always be a fighter. You will never be the same again – you will forever wear the badge of your struggle, of the hell it took to get here. You may still fight a little every day – but it gets easier as you get stronger. And that is what I am most proud of myself, that I am stronger today then I was yeasterday and that I am getting stronger every day.

Trip pics

I know my last post was pretty vague, but I’ve been having such a great time enjoying life that I really didn’t feel like writing till now. So the clear things up a little – I am currently visiting some friends in another country. I know – it’s a weird time – considering I have work and school and all that. But it so happens that I hit a series of national holidays, and school was out for a bit as well as work so I figured – now or never :). Before I would have been way to obsessed about my “perfect schedule” and having everything so “under control” to make a trip like this. But this is then and that is now.

So here’s a photo recap of what I’ve been doing a lot of lately:

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Food (so much good food that I never take pictures of because it always seems inappropriate)

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Gardening – lots of it. Fun in the sun!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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This has been my redundant breakfast for the past several days – homemade full fat yoghurt (from raw unpasturized milk), homemade granola, tahini and AMAING carmelized squash. I could eat this for the rest of my life and die a happy woman 🙂

 

 

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Love reading through all my friends various cookbooks (what can I say – I’m a foodie at heart)

 

Zdjęcie0203School assigments follow me though – even on vacation.

 

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But we’ve had a few wine filled evenings as well, so it all balances out in the end 😉

 

So that’s all from me for now. I am living, loving and enjoying life. Now I’m off for a glass of fresh milk and maybe going to look at finishing that assigment…. or not 😉

 

Quiestion of the day : what’s your favorite thing to do on vacation?

Body image blues

Yeah, I know I dissapeared off the radar again.

Well for one Easter break ended, and I’ve been a bit more busy. But to be honest – it’s more then that.

I’ve got the body image blues.

It was triggered by my post- easter food baby/bloat that still hasn’t gone down. I know I might have gained a little bit of weight, but I’m pretty sure most of it is water/bloating. That being said it doesn’t make my clothes fit better, or me feel better about myself AT ALL. So yes – it’s safe to say I’m struggling a bit here.

However it did bring to light some things I’ve learned about body image through my recovery journey.

1. The grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side. When I was underweight I would look at pictures of when I was at a healthy weight and think – “wow, you actually looked pretty good there”. Then once I get there, I always feel that pull to try to change or fix some part of my body or (and this pesky thought is the worst of them all) “lose a little weight”.

What helps: Reminding myself I was never happy at that low weight either – and now my body is healthier,I have more energy and everyone around me thinks I look better too (even f I can’t see it in myself)

2. Good body image isn’t something you wake up with – it’s something that is built up over time. Every day I look in the mirror and I have a choice – to see the bad and focus on it, or to see the good and focus on that. It’s not like one day you wake up in the morning and feel awesome for the rest of your life – it’s a day by day process.

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When all is said and done I’d rather be the top girl then the bottom one any day. Just need to keep repeating that to myself

3. Body image has A LOT to do with your mood. I’m not sure if this is true for everyone or just for people who have an ED history, but speaking from personal experience – when I’m in a bad mood- frustrated, stressed etc. things get a whole lot worse.

What helps : remembering that fat isn’t a feeling and reasoning with myself (i.e if I wasn’t “chubby” yeasterday there is no way that I gained loads of weight from one day to the next. Thus it must all be in my head)

4. The way you treat yourself = the way you see yourself. Even if you don’t love your body – fake it till you make it. Paper yourself- paint your nails, dress nice, style your hair, put on some amazing scented lotion and let yourself feel like a princess. These things are especially hard to do when you feel like your lower then dirt – but like I said – fake it till you make it.

5. Body image issues are all in YOUR head. Meaning that no one else sees the things you do. Today my mom, my sister and I were all talking in my room. One thing led to another and my mom started going on about how she needed to lose weight for the spring. My sister and I started laughing and telling her there was no reason for that – which was great – till my sister started telling me that she also felt she had a flabby stomach (she is as slim as can be). Made me realize that noone else sees what I see when I look at myself, so I might as well just try to get over it

So… what’s my plan with this recent slump:

– get a haircut next week, try to keep dressing nice and feeling good

– work out a few times next week as a stress reliever

– eat clean/with a few healthy treats thrown in there

– focus on the other areas of my life that are important now – work, school etc. and get my thoughts onto the more important things in life.

And remember:

 

 

I am gonna beat this bitch, come hell or high water!