AIn’t got no time for this.

Hi all.

I have officially come to the conclusion that blogging is something I will be doing very sporatically and on occasion, simply because as much as I delude myself that it’s otherwise – I come to the end of the day and often the last thing I feel like doing is writing up  my day’s adventures – which are pretty avarage actually. I’m not an athlete, a mother, a cook, a health food nut – actually it would be really hard to put me under one lable.

Today I almost had a mini panic attack thinking of all the things I am getting into starting next month – I will be teaching Zumba (this includes all sorts of marketing before hand), translating, teaching english, co-running a buisness, studying, babysitting …. and I’m sure there’s something I’m forgeting. When you lay it all out there like that is seems pretty overwhelming, though I’m sure it IS manageble with enough forward planning and all that. It’s just amazing to me that no matter how much I feel like I have on my plate – I always seem to manage to pile on more. Not that I’m not greatful that I have all these opportunities – it’s just a heck of a lot of work.

In line with that- I need to find the balance between working and taking care of myself. My stoach has been flaring up again, which calmed down a bit when I focused on my diet a bit more and eating right. Odly enough for someone who used to be obsessed with food, most of the time I feel like I can’t be bothered. I just grab what’s around and try to make due. Unfortunatly, my body isn’t as keen on this way of operating as I am, which means most of the time I need to put in a bit more forward thought and planning. My meals are still by no means gormet, but they still require a bit of thought and planning.

2013-08-17 09.15.43Avocado pudding! I actually do so much better on a high fat diet then any other – if only I could keep at it 😦 (silly lingering old habits)

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(Regular work lunch – pickled herring – or any other meat, salad, dressing – easy, breazy, ugly :P)

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Another new obsession – zucchini smoothies (with apple, protein powder, zucchini and PB). I’m actually obsessed with zucchini in all forms – this is just one.

And other unphotographed snacks:

In other, very happy news I taught my first Zumba class on Sunday – to member of my family :). It was a test run kind of thing, but I had so , so much fun. I litterally couldn’t stop smiling all evening afterwards. I just love having found something that makes me so happy, and I can’t wait to start classes for real.

As far as body image and eating fobias go – sure I do have bad day and good days. But I’m slowly learning to push the bad days to the back of my mind – I really don’t have time to wallow in my issues – I have a life to lead. Some days I look back at how obessed with food I was and how much time I spent thinking about it, cooking it, counting it, measuring and I now think – what I bloody waste of time. Seriously it seems so selfish to me that I could live so in my own little world, while ignoring life moving on in front of me. But as they say – better late then never.

In other, very much unrelated news I’m thinking of a fairly drastic makeover sometime soon. Stay tuned (and hope I make a wise descision)

SO yeah that’s me, for now. Till next time – whenever that is


And I’m back….

Hi all.

Wow, I was looking back at my last posts and have realized that my blog has become a bumbling blob of negativity – so not cool. No but really. I was tempted to delete the last few posts and even though it’s still a tempting option, I realize this blog is meant to sort of document my journey – and my journey has its ups and downs.

But I’m ready to switch the down back into an up again – so here goes.

I already started feeling better last night- after a upbeat Zumba class coupled with some awesome “So you think you can Dance” action – I felt much more ready to look at things from a more constructive, outside perspective. So lets get down to the facts – shall we.

Switching to  a “paleofied” (because I have never full on paleo) has helped me in a lot of ways – health wise. I realized my body is not a fan of grains – not sure why, not sure if it’s forever – but for now – it’s a fact. Possibly because for all my years of being a vegetarian they were practically the only thing I ate besides vegetables and fruit, I lost the balance somewhere and my body decided I had overdone it,

Also fruit – I love it, I eat it, but it does crazy things to my blood sugar levels. Let’s face it – I have a messed up metabolism from all the crazy things I have put my body though – no surprise there. And I do need to play around it a bit, because when I “let it all go”, bad things happen.

Fact – my body doesn’t trust me yet. Although I am at a healthy weight, have more energy than every and feel much better then I have in a long time – it will still take a while to restore the balance  with my body that I need. I believe it’s possible, and at some point in time food will just be food to me. But till then – I will work with what I’ve got that be thankful things are as good as they are.

Anyhow – back to the paleo diet – I believe it works if you do it right – problem was I wasn’t doing it right. I like food – I like eating 5-6 times a day. It does get inconvenient sometimes, especially when I’m really busy – which is when paleo really appealed to me. But intermedient fasting , eating one huge meal a day etc – not me so much.  My meals had become boring and monottonous – and I believe the reason for my binging was because was missing some vitamin or mineral somewhere along the line. Thinge were getting out of balance, I was becoming afraid of certain foods – too much sugar etc, and substituting them for unhealthy yet “safe” food – for instance – diet coke.

So now it’s time for a change, time to get back to the basics of healthy eating. Grains still won’t be a regular part of my diet – because I just feel better without them. But I want to experiment with adding some more beans and legumes to my diet. Yes maybe they’re the “devil” but I miss hummus in my life.

I am tired of trying to fit into a mold of good and healthy. I love to lift so I will do that, but I love to run so I will do that to. I love to dance so I will do Zumba (chronic cardio my ass). I love to eat so I will eat. I love to read so I will read and I love to cook so I will cook again. And every time I fall I will get up to fight ten times stronger. Because I love to live 🙂

And here are some things that have been making my life amazing recently

Zdjęcie0282A quick snack – strawberries, protein powder and quark

Zdjęcie0277Turkey burgers and salad


Perks of being a teacher – end of the year chocolates

Zdjęcie0279A recent staple breafast – 2 ingrediet pancake, strawberries, peanut butter and yogurt

Zdjęcie0270A on-the-go salad. Eggs, deli turkey meat, salad.

Always moving forward

Hello, hello

Thank you all who stopped by to comment on my last post. I know this blog has been ghost town of late – but those of you who “know” me still bothered to stop by an read it despite it all, which makes me feel very loved :). Really sometimes I feel like my strongest support group as far as recovery is concerned is right here – in cyber space. And because of that I am really, really thankfull to have you all in my life.

Really looking back on the progress I have made in the past few months is incredible. Really, I’m not sure what changed or where, but it feels awesome. I think at some point I just made the choice to break out of my shell and embrace life – with  all of it’s ups and downs , worries and problems. Still don’t regret it, doubt I ever will.

But…. I am stil SO far from being perfect. As much as I feel I am doing well, there are still several things I struggle with, actually more then several. I’m going to share them with you all, not to put myself down, but just to help you realize that it’s not like you wake up one morning an are “better”. It’s a long process to learn to love and accept yourself as you are and deal with all the little day to  day things that come up. But every day is a learning experience if we make it so.

So…. what am I currently working on:

– Eating mindfully. I think at some point I decided that eating was to complicated to overthing, so 80% of the time I end up just shoveling what is around into my mouth and getting on with it. Of course as unproblematic as it may seem – it leaves me feeling unstatisfied (mentally anyways) by the end, and always just a little guilty kinf of like “where did all that go?” I know food is fuel, but it’s also enjoyment and I need to find that balance in treating it as both.

– Listening to my hunger/fullness cues. This one sort of relates to the previous one, but I often have a hard time feeling “full”. I realize that often I am physically full, but overall mentally unsatisfied. This generally comes from denying myself food for so long, I realize that. But I still aspire to get to a point where I can sit down to a plate of food and satisfy myself – both mentally and physically, without overdoing it or on the flip side – restricting because it’s just “too much food”

– Numbing my emotions with food. When I was eating around 1000 cal a day, if I was feeling depressed, tired, annoyed, stressed – it was usually down to malnutrition and eating helped me feel a bit better. Now I am no longer malnourished, but it’s still ingrained in me that food is the solution to my promlems. Stress hits – and I look frantically for something to much on, tired – same story etc.  Not that it’s oh so horrible that I deal with my emotions with food – but I’d much rather blow off steam by talking about a problems rather then digging into a chocolate bar and being left with a feeling of emptiness and stomach ache afterwards.

So yeah, that’s about the long and the short of it. I still have days that I overeat, days I deal with my emotions through food, days where my attitude towards it is “disordered”. The diference is now I treat each of these experiences as a lesson and I fight to move forward and learn along the way.  And because of that these days are slowly becoming fewer  and further between.

And since we’re on the possitive note of enjoying food – here are some of my delcious indulgences of late:

Zdjęcie0264A fresh banana/orange/strawberry juice as study fuel from a coffee shop down the street

Zdjęcie02672 ingredient bancake with strawberries, quark, yogurt and protein poweder – love me some weekend breakfasts 😉

What bad habit are currently working on breaking?

Trip pics

I know my last post was pretty vague, but I’ve been having such a great time enjoying life that I really didn’t feel like writing till now. So the clear things up a little – I am currently visiting some friends in another country. I know – it’s a weird time – considering I have work and school and all that. But it so happens that I hit a series of national holidays, and school was out for a bit as well as work so I figured – now or never :). Before I would have been way to obsessed about my “perfect schedule” and having everything so “under control” to make a trip like this. But this is then and that is now.

So here’s a photo recap of what I’ve been doing a lot of lately:


Food (so much good food that I never take pictures of because it always seems inappropriate)

Zdjęcie0199 Zdjęcie0198

Gardening – lots of it. Fun in the sun!











Zdjęcie0202 Zdjęcie0201


This has been my redundant breakfast for the past several days – homemade full fat yoghurt (from raw unpasturized milk), homemade granola, tahini and AMAING carmelized squash. I could eat this for the rest of my life and die a happy woman 🙂




Love reading through all my friends various cookbooks (what can I say – I’m a foodie at heart)


Zdjęcie0203School assigments follow me though – even on vacation.




But we’ve had a few wine filled evenings as well, so it all balances out in the end 😉


So that’s all from me for now. I am living, loving and enjoying life. Now I’m off for a glass of fresh milk and maybe going to look at finishing that assigment…. or not 😉


Quiestion of the day : what’s your favorite thing to do on vacation?

Easter in pictures.


Egg fight!!!


The spread – cold cuts, cheese, pickled herring salad, potato salad, boiled eggs , spinach puffsP1140242

Dessert pt 1: vegan black forest chocolate cake with whipped cream


Gotta love a house full of teanagers (me and my second oldest bro)


A sister pic


Game night!P1140244And dessert part 2 ( a no-bake peach cheesecake I seriously ODed on- whatever, totally worth it)

And a good deal of this


And this:

Hope you all had a wonderful Easter!

Whats the best thing you ate this year? For me, definitely that cheesecake – new recipie I was trying out that wasn’t healthified in any ways – so damn good!

Oooh, and I also got an awesome before and after pic from last year vs this years Easter – check it out

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(Slight difference – no? 😛 )

My healthy (not so healthy) diet

Can I hear a hip-hip hooray for Easter break!

Today was the first day of easter break, and I spent 4 hours working on a group project and then studied for an hour and then had an awesome run. Running and I go through phases , I love it or hate it, but today it was definitely a love thing, I felt like I could have run for hours, of course tredmill with no TV meant only 40 minutes for me, but it still felt good. Then I got home and veged out, did a bit of failed baking :P, and now I’m writing this post before pouring myself a glass of something and finishing my project.

I thought I would talk about something that I’ve been thinking about recently. Recently someone I’ve been emailing back and forth asked me for a link to my blog for healthy eating ideas. This led me to thinking how much my blog has changed – I haven’t posted any food pictures in forever, I don’t really blog about how/what I eat anymore. And here’s the reason:

I don’t really eat all that healthy.

My relationship with food has changed to the point that healthy eating is no longer the focus of my life. I try to eat healthy mind you, but food has become a means to an end rather then the end itself. Take today for example – I was working on a project at  a library and I had been there since right after breakfast. I ate the orange I brought along as a snack, and then 30 minutes later I was hungry again, but no where nearly done my project. So then came my dilema – should I make the long walk home, cook lunch, eat lunch, clean up and then go back (hopefully before the library closed) and try to finish my project or should I eat the wafle I had in my bag and use it to hold me over till I finsh and then go home and eat a proper lunch.



Before this would have been an obviouse choice – the perfect diet/eating schedule was definitely more important then the time I would waste walking back and forth just so I eat the right thing at the right time. But today food was fuel so I ate my “unhealthy” snack and ate a proper lunch when I got home. But the sugar rush I got fueled my studying plus a pretty awesome run, so I don’t think I made a bad descision. Now, I’m not saying this was something I’d like to do often – I need to learn to pack enough healthy snacks to last me, but this example just showed me how my relationship with food has changed.

Right now I am SO busy, that I often have to make due with what I have. The past few days I have been seriously ODing on cottage cheese and truffles (all your fault Andrea ;))  – because it just seems to be the only portable thing I can eat at work. And yes, it’s not the most balanced and I’m looking forward to eating some decent cooked meals now that it’s almost Easter. But in the end life> perfect diet- and I think that’s exactly how it should be.

That isn’t to say I haven’t been eating some yummy food from time to time:

Zdjęcie0045On a warmer day – salad with cheese, picked fish and yogurt dressing


Protein pancake with quark and a banana

Zdjęcie0064Most of my meals are kind of – grab and go –  a boiled egg, deli meat and roated veggies

Cheesy omlettes

And lots of cottage cheese 🙂

So yeah that’s me now – not as healthy but a whole lot more chilled out all around. I think after Easter I might do a minor “diet cleanup” and try to focus on eating more veggies – but right now there’s easter and lots of chocolate on the horrizon. I have a feeling I’ll have quite a few more sugar fueled runs in my future 😉

Oooh, and in honor of my 3 month aneversary at a healthy weight I  got this done – and I absolutely love it. It’s a daily reminder of how  far I’ve come and how much I accoplished – and it feels awesome.


Yes people – I no longer have a perfectly flat stomach and protruding hipbones. And that is ok because I am a woman, and curves are shexy 😉


How has your eating mentality changed over time?

Do you have any tatoos?

Marvelous Monday.

I generally tend to think of my life as pretty run of the mill. I mean sure, I am busy as heck – but it’s pretty mundane stuff that no one really wants to hear about 🙂

However, today was different so I’m linking up to marvelous Monday, because today was truly marvelous.

First marvelous thing of the day – vitamin chewies. They’re handly vitamins because they only have about 30-40 % of your RDA, but they’re marvelous all the same!


And extra marvelous is the fact that I GOT MAIL. My sweetest ever sent me a package full of goodies which resulted in me spending the next 30 minutes doing a happy dance and smiling the rest of the day.


Marvelous was this chocolate truffle I broke into less then 30 minuts later (I never said patience was a strong suite of mine )


Marvelous is chocolate in general, especially of the darker, more expensive variety, and it makes for THE BEST class fuel


Marverlous is the ability to sit here blogging, instead of frantically studying or working on assigments – it’s almost Easter and I’m going to be sure to be on the lookout for some marvelous recipies 😉

Have a marvelous week everyone!


What’s making your day marverlous?

Restoring a relationship with food.

This post has been on the tip of my tongue (can you even say that when blogging) for a few days now, but it’s hard to put on paper. It’s a topic that I find very relevant and might be of interest to some of you as well.

I want to talk about restoring a relationship with food after a period of disordered eating. And by disordered I’m not talking about the typical eating disorders of anorexia and bulimia – you can have a disordered eating pattern just from going through a stage of extreme dieting, or from being orthorexic. Although my own personal experiences are based on recovering from anorexia – I think some things are just universaly true.

First off, restoring a proper relationship with food takes time. The longer you’ve had disordered eating patterns the longer it takes. It makes sense – it takes time to break those bad habits and negative thought patterns you’ve put around food. It takes time to realize food is fuel -there is no “good” and “bad” food. It takes time to come to grips with how far you’ve ventured from what healthy really is or should be, but this is really a crucial part in the whole equation. So be patient, give yourself time. Don’t expect to wake up in the morning and for things to all of a sudden be ok – because it doesn’t work like that.

Start with little baby steps. Once you realize just how far you’v ventured and how far you have to go to reach “normalicy” things seem pretty overwhelming. Don’t try tackling everything at once (for instance introducing fear foods, breaking compulsive eatings habits, eating in front of people and not sticking to set meal times). There were times I’ve felt so “mototivated” I tried doing everything at once only to quit a short time later because it was too much to handle at once. Remember – it’s a sprint and not a marathon and if you consistently make little baby steps one day at a time, you will get there in the end.

Don’t expect it to go the way you want it to. When I was so stuck on recovering the “right way” and changing my eating habits the way I wanted to – I never got anywhere. I only really started making progress when I gave it the “skrew it all” mentality and just ate food. And no – it’s no easy. And there were days I ate too little, and days I ate too much, days I binged and days I ate completely irrationaly. But only through those experiences did I learn and make progress. And though it was sometimes hard, in hindsight I see it couldn’t have been any other way,

Don’t be too hard on yourself. When going through all of this you might feel like the only one out there with these problems – the only one that has these crazy cravings or hunger or whatever else you’re experiencing. There were times that all I was going through made me feel like the scum of the earth (particuarly binging tends to trigger these sorts of feelings). But realize that if anyone went though what you went through – chances are they’d react the same way. If you gave a starving child from a 3 world country normal portions of food he’d react in the same way. He’d eat small amounts when his stomach was still so shrunk he couldn’t handle any more, but as soon as he could eat more he’d most likely start “binging” on 3000+ calories of food a day, because his body was crying out for fuel to repair the damage that had been done. Would you judge him for behaving this way? Not one bit. So why are you being so hard on yourself.

They don’t need to “control” their eating habits and neither do you.

Keep the end goal in sight. Recovering from disordered eating is a long and tiering process. You will feel like quitting more then once before you reach the end of your journey. But never forget where you’re going – to a place where food no longer controls your life, a place where in equals not just fuel but enjoyment as well, a place where guilt and anxiety no longer have a seat at the dinner table. It takes a while to get there – but let me tell you, once you do it is awesome! All the work it took to get you there seems like nothing compared to the freedom you feel. I’m still just getting a taste of all this – but I have a feeling it only gets better from here on out.

Any thoughts/tips on restoring a healthy relationship with food? If you have struggled with disordered eating in the past – what was something that helped you develop healthy habits again?

Never did I ever

  • Never did I ever think I would see my weight gradually rising – when at a healthy weight and be 100% ok with it (ok so maybe 99%, but it’s still good :))
  • Never did I ever think I would be able to buy a chocolate bar and snack on it- just because I wanted to
  • Never did I ever think I would end up looking forward to eating delicious meaty dishes
  • Never did I ever think I would be so upset over someone throwing away my coconut oil (FAT!!!) cuz “hey, I was planning to eat ALL of that”

You will be missed  😦

  • Never did I ever think I would exercise less then 3 times a week and be ok with it
  • Never did I ever think I would end up snacking on two tablespoons of raw honey straight out of the jar (the sugar!!! the horror :P)Zdjęcie0034 Zdjęcie0033Yes, I did in fact take this picture at work, and if anyone saw me I’m sure they think I’m a total whack job 😛
  • Never did I ever think I would randomly take a picture of myself in honor of my new and improved body with no makeup/primping done and put it on the internet Zdjęcie0031(Still tough for me not to pick my body apart in this picture, but I think it’s awesome I have hips again:D)
  •  Never did I ever think I’d be this free of an ED
  • Never did I ever think I would end up blogging for two whole years – but here I am.                                                                          Happy 2 year blogversary to “A new start“.


Truth be told I wasn’t even planing on writing this post, till I saw a reminder from wordpress congratulating me on my 2nd blog anaversary and I figured – I owe this blog a little something 😉

What is something you thought you’d never do?

My thoughts on the paleo diet.

Those of you who have been following my blog a bit recently might have noticed me mention the “paleo” diet once or twice on here. Ok, so a bit more then once or twice 😛 You might be wondering what it’s all about – why I am into it/how it’s working for me (and my long time readers) /how can a once vegetarian girl switch so rapidly into a different lifestyle with little or seemigly no remorse. SO I thought maybe I’d share my experiences with you and hopefully answer some of your quiestions.

First off – what is the paleo diet?  It is (as taken from a paleo webiste)a diet based upon eating wholesome, contemporary foods from the food groups our hunter-gatherer ancestors would have thrived on during the Paleolithic era, the time period from about 2.6 million years ago to the beginning of the agricultural revolution, about 10,000 years ago. These foods include fresh meats (preferably grass-produced or free-ranging beef, pork, lamb, poultry, and game meat, if you can get it), fish, seafood, fresh fruits, vegetables, seeds, nuts, and healthful oils (olive, coconut, avocado, macadamia, walnut and flaxseed).) Everything else is basically off the menu for one reason or another (there is PLENTY of information out there if  you want to read into it).

Why I started experimenting with it. Well aside from the fact that it’s popping up everywhere – both on the internet and the blog world, I first started looking into it as a diet that was healing for people that have various gastro-intestinal problems. Also, I was going through a very rough time finding the balance between eating too little/too much/binging and constant sweet cravings. I had already tried vegan, vegetarian, ultra-clean diets in the past so I figured – why not try something new?

Thing is – I suck at sticking to strict diets. Ironically enough after 5 years of really controlled eating habits all I want to do was break loose , even if it kills me (and believe me sometimes my digestive tract does). So I switched between looser and stricter paleo eating weeks – depending on my time/mood/motivation. Here are some of my observations over time.

– I haven’t been eating grains or beans for a while now, and have noticed a definite difference in the amount of pain I’m in on a day to day basis. Even the bloating has been more manageble for the most part. Oats still tempt me like crazy, and I definitely want to try to experiment and see if I can make them at least a little more digestible. But lets just say the last time  tried lentils – I suffered for two days afterwards.

The combo I miss most at the moment – overnight oats (sigh :()

– Dairy is a hard one for me to cut. There’s something in it that my body just craves like nothing else. However it does give me stomach issues – the week I was stictest paleo and didn’t have any was the week I felt the best.

– Paleo works best for me NOT low carb. Meaning I need to be able to eat my fruit and starchy veggies to my hearts content. Otherwise I have major brain fog, have no energy and am cranky the rest of the day. Maybe I’m not “fat adapted” yet, but there’s not too much I can do about that.

–  I crave meat now like crazy. Seriously I feel like I haven’t had a proper meal unless I’ve had some animal protein (eggs/meat/fish). Occasinally I try using peanut butter, nuts as a protein source, but it’s definitely not the same. I guess my body just craves all the protein to repair all those cells, muscles, organs that have been neglected for so long.

– In order to be at all satiated on a paleo diet you NEED to eat a lot of fat. I know I still don’t eat enough compared to how much I should, which is why I still get sweet craving from time to time. But really the meals where I have a hefty amount of fat are like night and day compaired to when I don’t.

Coconut oil is awesome! It’s seriously become a daily staple for me – I use it for almost everything.

– Paleo style eating has eliminated a lot of sweet cravings and binge/overeating tendencies. I’m pretty sure it’s the combination of eating enough protein/fat, but I’ve definitely noticed a reduced sweet craving. Sure I’ve eaten my fair share of dark chocolate along the way, but it’s no longer a post meal habit. Also if I eat a proper breakfast and dinner, generally the urge to snack/graze all day is way less. As soon as I try to eat less real animal protein or fat – those crazy cravings are back and my eating habits are all over the place. For example eating a bowl of oats with a scoop of PB would never last me over 3 hours- but 2 eggs fried in coconut oil with some turkey deli meat and a tomato last me 4 hours or more (depending on the amount of oil/deli meat) I use.


So although this way of eating makes me feel good and has normalized my eating habits to a certain extent – I’m wary of it because it’s pretty restricting. As someone who is still recovering from an ED (definitely more recovered then not though :P) I feel I need to be careful not to take things too much to an extreme. Which is why I try not to stay to strict – I still eat dairy and other “non-paleo” things if I feel so inclined. However doing that I still have digestive issues, whereas the week I was pretty strict with it – there was nothing of the sort.Also, it’s pretty expensive if you want to be strict with it – so I end up modifying it u quite a bit to fit my budget restrictions.

Another problem I have with paleo eating is an ethical issue. I was mostly vegetarian for almost 3 years and eating vast amounts of meat still bothers me. I can’t afford humainly raised meat most of the time, so I eat whatever is available. It just seems selfish for me to be constantly eating this much meat/eggs – even though I feel better physically then I have in a long time. No meat substitute seems to be working for me anymore, so I feel kind of trapped 😦

Alright so those are my experiences so far. If you have any more quiestions about my experiences – feel free to ask.

My quiestions for the day:

What are your thoughts on the paleo diet?

Any advice on my dilema with following a strict diet and not becoming obsessed with it?