Ah, I love the human body. So simple, yet sometimes so complicated.
Eating – seems simple enough, right? Like fueling a car, you put gas in and it runs. But somehow for us humans it’s not that simple. Food is not only fuel – its a way of bonding, a way of dealing with emotions, a distraction, a source of pleasure, or a source of fear – depending on who you are and what situation you’re in.
Right now, I’m having a really hard time finding the right balance between eating to live and enjoying my food, eating healthy and occasionally indulging, exercising moderation and not restricting. To be honest, I’m kind of sick of thinking about this all the time, I wish I could just eat intuitively lie I could before all this crazy ED stuff started. I wish I hadn’t put my body through all it went through till now, so that it could actually know what it wants.
For the past few weeks my appetite has been through the roof. Pre-exams I thought it was a result of me studying so much and my brain needing extra fuel. So I fueled it and passed all my exams much better then I expected too :). But did my appetite die down post-exams – not one bit. As a matter of fact, right now it seems that I am CONSTANTLY hungry. Every hour after I eat a meal, I seem to be hungry again.
Part of the reason I no longer post pictures of my food is because I hardly ever actually eat just what I serve myself – there’s always seconds, or even thirds along with a bite of “this or that” involved. Even when I try to plan my meals out ahead of time, by the time I do eat I am so ravenous I can’t bother to snap a picture – not that it really matter though – because I eat more/different food then what I serve myself anyways. And it’s scary.
This has been me more times then I care to admit.
It’s scary because I feel like I’ve totally lost control, it’s scary because I am gaining weight and I’m worried it won’t stop. It’s scary because I’m craving foods I used to NEVER crave before (ham?!?!) and even occasionally foods that are bad for me physically (dairy). The health care system here is crap – so no doctor can give me any decent advice and a good dietitian/nutritionist is pretty much unavailable here. So I’m on my own.
But instead of freaking out I am going to examine the facts here:
1. I am still underweight thus my body needs more fuel. Gaining weight is good, no matter how “bad” it feels right now.
2. Being more hungry means my metabolism is revving up (also a good thing)
3. It’s a fact that my body will freak out for a little bit, especially since I haven’t been feeding it properly for almost 4 years now. It’ll take a while to figure it out – no use panicking about it.
4. Normal people also need to figure out what way of eating works for them – some people eat paleo, some vegan, some eat according to the RDA guidlines, others eat completly against them. There is no right/wrong way – and it takes time to learn what will work for you.
What is NOT working for me so far:
- trying to supress my appetite – restricting is NOT a good idea for me. My body knows what it wants and if I won’t give it willing – it’s gonna get it one way or another (i.e a binge)
- eating acording to a strict plan, or eating TOO intuitively. If I don’t have a general idea of food options I tend to freak out and eat everything in sight, and my life is too unpredictable for me to set up a strict eating schedule
So what’s the plan now:
I am going to exeperiment and find out what works for me. It’s gonna be a trial and error process I know, and there will be ups and downs. What I’m going to focus on is trying to eat healthily (at least to an extent) and let the rest come as it will. Right now is actually the best time to be doing this sort of thing – because I can afford to gain a bit, so if I do – no big deal. Later on this might be a whole lot harder, if I’m worried about gaining weight.
So as of tomorrow I’m going to amp up my protein and fat content (including the animal protein there) and see what that does for my satiety levels (something ala paleo style- without all the crazy restrictions). Stay tuned 😉
Any thoughts? Advice? Experiences?