I think no I finnaly realize the point between recovery and relapse. I realize because I am at the moment , standing at the base of the clif – with nothing before me other then miles and miles of blackness. There’s a strong wind blowing – ever so slighly pushing me forward. All it would take would be a moment of weekness, a second of carelessness, the slightest inclination of desire to let go and I would go tubling into the abys. A part of me longs for that more then anything else – that feeling of abandon, the inability to think about anything else, the adrenalin. And yet – reality holds me captive. Logic screams at me that I have fought too hard, climbed to long, been hurt too much to give it up now. And still that dark calls to me – it becons me like and old friend. And it is – it is in essence simultaniously my best friend and worst enemy. In the darkness I feel safe – like nothing can harm me or hurt me. The blackness seems to engulve me – sheilding me from reality- from life. The quiestion remains – is that what I want?
The problem is that at this point in life not one old addiction calls to me – they all do. Each offering unique benefits and drawbacks, each vying to be chosen. And at this point I would pick any one – or all of them – to simply stop thinking, to stop feeling. There pain I feel is no longer purely emotional, it is physical as well. Imagine a iron hand clasping your heart – squeezing it till you simply can’t go on any more- and you would prehalps understand a fraction of the overwhelming sense of helplessness I feel. This is so much bigger than me, so much stronger. I realize now I am no longer ok, and yet my support system has crumbled around me. So I face a choice- endure or numb, stay or run. I know what i SHOULD do, the quiestion is – am I strong enough?