Aside

I think no I finnaly realize the point between recovery and relapse.  I realize because I am at the moment , standing at the base of the clif – with nothing before me other then miles and miles of blackness. There’s a strong wind blowing – ever so slighly pushing me forward. All it would take would be a moment of weekness, a second of carelessness, the slightest inclination of desire to let go and I would go tubling into the abys. A part of me longs for that more then anything else – that feeling of abandon, the inability to think about anything else, the adrenalin. And yet – reality holds me captive. Logic screams at me that I have fought too hard, climbed to long, been hurt too much to give it up now. And still that dark calls to me – it becons me like and old friend. And it is – it is in essence simultaniously my best friend and worst enemy. In the darkness I feel safe – like nothing can harm me or hurt me. The blackness seems to engulve me – sheilding me from reality- from life. The quiestion remains – is that what I want?

 

The problem is that at this point in life not one old addiction calls to me – they all do. Each offering unique benefits and drawbacks, each vying to be chosen. And at this point I would pick any one – or all of them – to simply stop thinking, to stop feeling. There pain I feel is no longer purely emotional, it is physical as well. Imagine a iron hand clasping your heart – squeezing it till you simply can’t go on any more- and you would prehalps understand a fraction of the overwhelming sense of helplessness I feel. This is so much bigger than me, so much stronger. I realize now I am no longer ok, and yet  my support system has crumbled around me. So I face a choice- endure or numb, stay or run. I know what i SHOULD do, the quiestion is – am I strong enough?

 

 

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2 comments

  1. Don’t think I’ve ever commented before but have read your blog periodically. I’m sorry things are hard right now :/. And I soooo know that feeling of being right on the edge. When I’ve experienced it before, everything about the eating disorder sounds wonderful until you’re actually back in the eating disorder. Once you’re in it all you’ll want is to climb back up to where you are now — where you felt like you had a choice. It’s not worth it. Waiting it out is worth it, you’ll grow so much from choosing recovery through this time of temptation. You’re stronger than you realize ❤


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