Fear

Our greatest fear in life is not being alone, neither is it being forgotten. Our greatest fear is being unnoticed. We are afraid the world will pass us by without so much as giving us a second glance – that they will look at us as if we never existed. So we try to justify our presence here by actions, by words, by emotions, by making ourselves heard. It is why we often act crazy and bizzare, why we try to hurt and heal, why we long to make something succesfull out of our lives. All of it is a desperate attempt to feel we are, in fact, a part of the world that surrounds us – that we play some role; that when the time comes we will not dissapear silently into the dark without so much as a minute mark to signify our presence. Every heartbreak, every human interaction – be it bad or good reminds us that we are in fact – alive, human,  important enough to love or to hate, to care for or hurt – that someone has noticed our presence. The deepest pain is knowing that no matter what we do, no one will notice – no one will stop to laugh or cry, that the world will keep spinning on it’s axis and paths crossing ours unaware that we are here.  That is what terrfies us and makes out existance a living hell – the knowledge that whether we live or die – it will not make a  difference because no one knew of our existence in the first place. So we cry out to universe – „Stop! Notice me!” „Notice that I am alive, that I am worthy of the air I breath; that my life is worth more then the energy expended to keep it in existance.!” And when our voices echo off the empty walls, we know we have experienced the deepest pain of all.

 

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2 comments

  1. I’m sorry you feel this way now but it seems a little melodramatic. You were talking about a love earlier…. If that fell apart, I’m sorry. I truly am. But that just proves that love does come along and does exist and will reach you once again. Do not have these childish outbursts that make you crawl into an eating disorder that is really just a cowardly way of bottling your emotions. An eating disorder will most certainly make you noticed: you’ll be ugly and weird and everyone will pity you when really, you should be living your young life and making people envy you!

    • Jess, I truly to admire you for reaching out and commenting on this post – regardless of the fact that you made assumptions that aren’t true. This blog is my place to express feeling and emotions – melodramatic or not. And no the emtions I am describing are not related to a lost love and are not and indicaton fot the act that am crawling back into my eating disorder. I was simply expressing a general feeling of having wasted so much of my life away, of at times feeling so insignificant and small and wondering why I was chosen to live when so many expected me to die. I agree with everything you said, and I do appreciate your “no nonsense” style, and in the future I will try to follow up a post like this with something more postive. At the same time my blog is my air space, and sometimes I choose to express things here that I can’t in real life – where we all “just keep smiling” and keep on a happy mask to get through the day. Yes I do still struggle and am struggling – but I don’t feel it makes me a weaker person, because I still haven’t quit fighting yet. Anyhow again thanks for caring enough to write, its more then most people would have done and I do appreciate it.


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