AIn’t got no time for this.

Hi all.

I have officially come to the conclusion that blogging is something I will be doing very sporatically and on occasion, simply because as much as I delude myself that it’s otherwise – I come to the end of the day and often the last thing I feel like doing is writing up ¬†my day’s adventures – which are pretty avarage actually. I’m not an athlete, a mother, a cook, a health food nut – actually it would be really hard to put me under one lable.

Today I almost had a mini panic attack thinking of all the things I am getting into starting next month – I will be teaching Zumba (this includes all sorts of marketing before hand), translating, teaching english, co-running a buisness, studying, babysitting …. and I’m sure there’s something I’m forgeting. When you lay it all out there like that is seems pretty overwhelming, though I’m sure it IS manageble with enough forward planning and all that. It’s just amazing to me that no matter how much I feel like I have on my plate – I always seem to manage to pile on more. Not that I’m not greatful that I have all these opportunities – it’s just a heck of a lot of work.

In line with that- I need to find the balance between working and taking care of myself. My stoach has been flaring up again, which calmed down a bit when I focused on my diet a bit more and eating right. Odly enough for someone who used to be obsessed with food, most of the time I feel like I can’t be bothered. I just grab what’s around and try to make due. Unfortunatly, my body isn’t as keen on this way of operating as I am, which means most of the time I need to put in a bit more forward thought and planning. My meals are still by no means gormet, but they still require a bit of thought and planning.

2013-08-17 09.15.43Avocado pudding! I actually do so much better on a high fat diet then any other – if only I could keep at it ūüė¶ (silly lingering old habits)

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(Regular work lunch – pickled herring – or any other meat, salad, dressing – easy, breazy, ugly :P)

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Another new obsession – zucchini smoothies (with apple, protein powder, zucchini and PB). I’m actually obsessed with zucchini in all forms – this is just one.

And other unphotographed snacks:

In other, very happy news I taught my first Zumba class on Sunday – to member of my family :). It was a test run kind of thing, but I had so , so much fun. I litterally couldn’t stop smiling all evening afterwards. I just love having found something that makes me so happy, and I can’t wait to start classes for real.

As far as body image and eating fobias go – sure I do have bad day and good days. But I’m slowly learning to push the bad days to the back of my mind – I really don’t have time to wallow in my issues – I have a life to lead. Some days I look back at how obessed with food I was and how much time I spent thinking about it, cooking it, counting it, measuring and I now think – what I bloody waste of time. Seriously it seems so selfish to me that I could live so in my own little world, while ignoring life moving on in front of me. But as they say – better late then never.

In other, very much unrelated news I’m thinking of a fairly drastic makeover sometime soon. Stay tuned (and hope I make a wise descision)

SO yeah that’s me, for now. Till next time – whenever that is

And I’m back….

Hi all.

Wow, I was looking back at my last posts and have realized that my blog has become a bumbling blob of negativity – so not cool. No but really. I was tempted to delete the last few posts and even though it’s still a tempting option, I realize this blog is meant to sort of document my journey – and my journey has its ups and downs.

But I’m ready to switch the down back into an up again – so here goes.

I already started feeling better last night- after a upbeat Zumba class coupled with some awesome “So you think you can Dance” action – I felt much more ready to look at things from a more constructive, outside perspective. So lets get down to the facts – shall we.

Switching to ¬†a “paleofied” (because I have never full on paleo) has helped me in a lot of ways – health wise. I realized my body is not a fan of grains – not sure why, not sure if it’s forever – but for now – it’s a fact. Possibly because for all my years of being a vegetarian they were practically the only thing I ate besides vegetables and fruit, I lost the balance somewhere and my body decided I had overdone it,

Also fruit – I love it, I eat it, but it does crazy things to my blood sugar levels. Let’s face it – I have a messed up metabolism from all the crazy things I have put my body though – no surprise there. And I do need to play around it a bit, because when I “let it all go”, bad things happen.

Fact – my body doesn’t trust me yet. Although I am at a healthy weight, have more energy than every and feel much better then I have in a long time – it will still take a while to restore the balance ¬†with my body that I need. I believe it’s possible, and at some point in time food will just be food to me. But till then – I will work with what I’ve got that be thankful things are as good as they are.

Anyhow – back to the paleo diet – I believe it works if you do it right – problem was I wasn’t doing it right. I like food – I like eating 5-6 times a day. It does get inconvenient sometimes, especially when I’m really busy – which is when paleo really appealed to me. But intermedient fasting , eating one huge meal a day etc – not me so much. ¬†My meals had become boring and monottonous – and I believe the reason for my binging was because was missing some vitamin or mineral somewhere along the line. Thinge were getting out of balance, I was becoming afraid of certain foods – too much sugar etc, and substituting them for unhealthy yet “safe” food – for instance – diet coke.

So now it’s time for a change, time to get back to the basics of healthy eating. Grains still won’t be a regular part of my diet – because I just feel better without them. But I want to experiment with adding some more beans and legumes to my diet. Yes maybe they’re the “devil” but I miss hummus in my life.

I am tired of trying to fit into a mold of good and healthy. I love to lift so I will do that, but I love to run so I will do that to. I love to dance so I will do Zumba (chronic cardio my ass). I love to eat so I will eat. I love to read so I will read and I love to cook so I will cook again. And every time I fall I will get up to fight ten times stronger. Because I love to live ūüôā

And here are some things that have been making my life amazing recently

Zdjńôcie0282A quick snack – strawberries, protein powder and quark

Zdjńôcie0277Turkey burgers and salad

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Perks of being a teacher – end of the year chocolates

Zdjńôcie0279A recent staple breafast – 2 ingrediet pancake, strawberries, peanut butter and yogurt

Zdjńôcie0270A on-the-go salad. Eggs, deli turkey meat, salad.

Always moving forward

Hello, hello

Thank you all who stopped by to comment on my last post. I know this blog has been ghost town of late – but those of you who “know” me still bothered to stop by an read it despite it all, which makes me feel very loved :). Really sometimes I feel like my strongest support group as far as recovery is concerned is right here – in cyber space. And because of that I am really, really thankfull to have you all in my life.

Really looking back on the progress I have made in the past few months is incredible. Really, I’m not sure what changed or where, but it feels awesome. I think at some point I just made the choice to break out of my shell and embrace life – with ¬†all of it’s ups and downs , worries and problems. Still don’t regret it, doubt I ever will.

But…. I am stil SO far from being perfect. As much as I feel I am doing well, there are still several things I struggle with, actually more then several. I’m going to share them with you all, not to put myself down, but just to help you realize that it’s not like you wake up one morning an are “better”. It’s a long process to learn to love and accept yourself as you are and deal with all the little day to ¬†day things that come up. But every day is a learning experience if we make it so.

So…. what am I currently working on:

– Eating mindfully. I think at some point I decided that eating was to complicated to overthing, so 80% of the time I end up just shoveling what is around into my mouth and getting on with it. Of course as unproblematic as it may seem – it leaves me feeling unstatisfied (mentally anyways) by the end, and always just a little guilty kinf of like “where did all that go?” I know food is fuel, but it’s also enjoyment and I need to find that balance in treating it as both.

– Listening to my hunger/fullness cues. This one sort of relates to the previous one, but I often have a hard time feeling “full”. I realize that often I am physically full, but overall mentally unsatisfied. This generally comes from denying myself food for so long, I realize that. But I still aspire to get to a point where I can sit down to a plate of food and satisfy myself – both mentally and physically, without overdoing it or on the flip side – restricting because it’s just “too much food”

– Numbing my emotions with food. When I was eating around 1000 cal a day, if I was feeling depressed, tired, annoyed, stressed – it was usually down to malnutrition and eating helped me feel a bit better. Now I am no longer malnourished, but it’s still ingrained in me that food is the solution to my promlems. Stress hits – and I look frantically for something to much on, tired – same story etc. ¬†Not that it’s oh so horrible that I deal with my emotions with food – but I’d much rather blow off steam by talking about a problems rather then digging into a chocolate bar and being left with a feeling of emptiness and stomach ache afterwards.

So yeah, that’s about the long and the short of it. I still have days that I overeat, days I deal with my emotions through food, days where my attitude towards it is “disordered”. The diference is now I treat each of these experiences as a lesson and I fight to move forward and learn along the way. ¬†And because of that these days are slowly becoming fewer ¬†and further between.

And since we’re on the possitive note of enjoying food – here are some of my delcious indulgences of late:

Zdjńôcie0264A fresh banana/orange/strawberry juice as study fuel from a coffee shop down the street

Zdjńôcie02672 ingredient bancake with strawberries, quark, yogurt and protein poweder – love me some weekend breakfasts ūüėČ

What bad habit are currently working on breaking?

Proud

Today I steped on the scale for the first time in months.

– Beep – the number flashed back at me. For a few moments I was afraid to look down. But it was now or never.

** kgs the scale read, putting my BMI at the magic 18,5. This was my hospital release weight, the weight I fought tooth and nail not to stay at after my release.

I waited for the familiar wave of self loathing to hit me, the typhoon that never failed to wash away my happiness. I waited for those thought to come rushing through my head – of how many X calories I needed to maintain this weight, or better yet – lose just a “little” bit.On the flipside – I waited for the feeling of accomplishmet – that I had “arrived”, that I was recovered.

Instead, I felt nothing – it felt like I had just typed in 1+1 on a calculator and was looking at the number 2 that had just appeared. I felt no emotional attachment whatsoever to the number staring back at me, and then I realized.

Recovery is NOT a number, t’s not an amount of food you eat, or what you “can” eat, or how much you weigh. It’s hard to really describe what recover is- possibly it’s something different for each person

Honestly, I don’t know if I’m recovered yet. All I know is that I a reout of my accomplishments and acheivments. And what are those you might ask? I am no longer the skinny girl – or the girl who eats the least or the healthiest. I am the girl who sings on the way home, who more often then not feels sexy in her skin, who is dealing with 9 upcoming exams, teaching a pre-school grop, organizing kids parties/events and giving private english lessons (before just the thought of two exams was enough to give me a panic attack). I may not be recovered, or maybe I am, but I sure as heck am proud of my accomplishments.

A pessimist told me – “you may be sober, but you’ll always be an addict”. I would phrase that differently. You mat be sober, but you’ll always be a fighter. You will never be the same again – you will forever wear the badge of your struggle, of the hell it took to get here. You may still fight a little every day – but it gets easier as you get stronger. And that is what I am most proud of myself, that I am stronger today then I was yeasterday and that I am getting stronger every day.

A brain dump.

So much I want to say, yet so few words.

Currently in sort of a strange place in my life. Everything it seems I thought I knew I don’t know, and all I was sure of I quiestion.

Maintanence – a strange place to be. All I’ve known till now is weight gain, followed by a quick stint of weight loss and the cycle repeated. Now that I am in “maintanence” I keep finding myself thinking – what now? A part of me it itching to do something, move somewhere, to keep perfecting myself. Its the hardest thing in the world to just “be”, especially when you’re not yet comfortable with who you are.

So much has changed – both for good and for bad. My eating habits are all over the place, and the constant guessing game is tiering. I want to just throw in the towel and eat whatever – at the same time I know too much about nutrition and health to do that. Another part of me wants to get back to some sense of stability, some knowlage of absolutes. But I’m learning more and more is that nutrition is like religion – everyone believes a certain thing – it doesn’t make it right for wrong. There is some truth in everything – what you need to do is find what works for you. And my God – it’s a long, tiering process.

But – even through all the complication and bad body image days – I don’t regret my recovery thus far one bit. Am I 100% comfortable in my body – no I am not. Do I feel that I did everything “just right” – no I don’t. Do I wish I had done some things better – sure I do. But one thing I can say with 100% certainty is that a whole new world opened up to me that wasn’t available before. For once I can do anything, be anyone, go anywhere. It’s a whole sense of freedom that I’m just discovering. It’s scary, yet awesome at the same time.

And hell, if nothing else I’m getting a HECK of a lot of life experience though this. I mean – what other nutritionist can say they have experimented with this many diets, gone through an eating disorder and figured out what works for them (that part is still coming, but I’m hoping for the best). So at least maybe, long and tiering as this process may be – I MIGHT be able to figure it out and help someone else in the process. Just keeping it possitive ūüėČ

So yes, that is the reason I’m not posting as much – is because I’m not sure what to write about. Currently – I’m trying to keep my head above water, get my life in gear and pretend I have it all together for the outside world. Because lets face it, after 5 years obsessing about something – once you take that away you’re not exactly sure who you are anymore. SO thank you all for bearing with me while I figure all this out – hopefully it’ll be sooner rather then later.

And now – sleep. Tomorrow is another crazy day in the life of me ūüėõ

Body image blues

Yeah, I know I dissapeared off the radar again.

Well for one Easter break ended, and I’ve been a bit more busy. But to be honest – it’s more then that.

I’ve got the body image blues.

It was triggered by my post- easter food baby/bloat that still hasn’t gone down. I know I might have gained a little bit of weight, but I’m pretty sure most of it is water/bloating. That being said it doesn’t make my clothes fit better, or me feel better about myself AT ALL. So yes – it’s safe to say I’m struggling a bit here.

However it did bring to light some things I’ve learned about body image through my recovery journey.

1. The grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side. When I was underweight I would look at pictures of when I was at a healthy weight and think – “wow, you actually looked pretty good there”. Then once I get there, I always feel that pull to try to change or fix some part of my body or (and this pesky thought is the worst of them all) “lose a little weight”.

What helps: Reminding myself I was never happy at that low weight either – and now my body is healthier,I have more energy and everyone around me thinks I look better too (even f I can’t see it in myself)

2. Good body image isn’t something you wake up with – it’s something that is built up over time. Every day I look in the mirror and I have a choice – to see the bad and focus on it, or to see the good and focus on that. It’s not like one day you wake up in the morning and feel awesome for the rest of your life – it’s a day by day process.

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When all is said and done I’d rather be the top girl then the bottom one any day. Just need to keep repeating that to myself

3. Body image has A LOT to do with your mood. I’m not sure if this is true for everyone or just for people who have an ED history, but speaking from personal experience – when I’m in a bad mood- frustrated, stressed etc. things get a whole lot worse.

What helps : remembering that fat isn’t a feeling and reasoning with myself (i.e if I wasn’t “chubby” yeasterday there is no way that I gained loads of weight from one day to the next. Thus it must all be in my head)

4. The way you treat yourself = the way you see yourself. Even if you don’t love your body – fake it till you make it. Paper yourself- paint your nails, dress nice, style your hair, put on some amazing scented lotion and let yourself feel like a princess. These things are especially hard to do when you feel like your lower then dirt – but like I said – fake it till you make it.

5. Body image issues are all in YOUR head. Meaning that no one else sees the things you do. Today my mom, my sister and I were all talking in my room. One thing led to another and my mom started going on about how she needed to lose weight for the spring. My sister and I started laughing and telling her there was no reason for that – which was great – till my sister started telling me that she also felt she had a flabby stomach (she is as slim as can be). Made me realize that noone else sees what I see when I look at myself, so I might as well just try to get over it

So… what’s my plan with this recent slump:

– get a haircut next week, try to keep dressing nice and feeling good

– work out a few times next week as a stress reliever

– eat clean/with a few healthy treats thrown in there

– focus on the other areas of my life that are important now – work, school etc. and get my thoughts onto the more important things in life.

And remember:

 

 

I am gonna beat this bitch, come hell or high water!

Freedom

Freedom :

– is the ability to do what you love and do it well, without your body not being able to keep up with your mind

– is the ability to focus and put your whole heart into something

– is the ability to feel again

– is the abilty to look at your body, squishy parts and all and think “hey I am a woman and this is beautiful”

– is the ability to respect and treat yourself well

– is not second guessing everything you do, and knowing that you don’t have to be perfect to be loved

 

I now realize I spent 5 years of my life in a caged box. There were times I thought it kept me safe, times I didn’t remember what the world outside was like. So I hid, i stayed inside, I fought those who tried to force me outs. I honestly had forgotten things could be any other way. But now as I step outside and breath the fresh air I thank God every day that I can live again. I am finally free!

 

Life now….

Hip hip hurray, a weekend at home!!!!

This is the first weekend at home I’ve had for a looooong time and it feels amazing. ¬†I keep whining about how busy I am, and really I feel like I’m constantly running around and never getting around to the things I want to do. Example – I’ve been wanting to write up a post since the beginning of the week – and I only get around to it now. I wonder if it’s because I’m not good at time management or I really have that many to-do’s? Oh well, I guess I just need to learn as I go.

Mentally and health wise things are pretty ok. I would be lying to say that everything is a-ok 100% of the time, that I just love my body and how it looks, that my eating patterns are completly normal etc. But I will say that I really don’t think about it much – I do my best to eat in a way that is good for my body and that makes me feel good, I try to exercise when I can (recently it’s been 2-3 times a week :P) I try to stay active and move around a lot. And I try to be happy with what I’ve got.

I used to live in a dream world that when I reached my goal weight I’d be 100% happy with my body, that I would love everything about it and not want to change a thing. Well, sorry to bust your bubble – but that’s not really the case. ¬†I don’t always love my body, there are days that I have horrible body image issues – but overall I’m trying to learn to accept it – squishy parts and all. The more I obsess about it and try to change it – the worse I feel. So instead I’m learning to accept – accept the fact I will never have under x% body fat, accept that I will have a bit more “padding” on my tummy – I’m a woman after all, nothing shocking there. The less I compare myself to others and just accept how I am right now, the better I feel about mysef, so I’m trying to do just that.

Food recently has been really eat to live, don’t live to eat. Practically all my meals are of the “grab and go” variety, can’t remember the last time I spent longer then 30 minutes preparing AND eating something. I actually need to work on slowing down and mindfully eating more, because I find myself with some stomach unpleasentries simply from trying to shovel my food in within 5 minutes. But we live and learn, and with everything I’m trying to learn to find balance in this area of my life.

Remember when I went through a “binging” stage. Well I’m glad to report that it’s pretty much over. I actually haven’t had that “bottomless pit” feeling in a while ¬†(last night was an exception because I exercised and didn’t eat enough during the day – but I would catogorize that under “late night snacking”) Not sure if this is because I’m at a healthy weight or because I am eating about 50% paleo. Meaning meat, eggs and oils again again – and more then I have in years. I won’t lie – the ethical issues still bother me A LOT, ¬†but when beans make me feel like razor blades are travelling through my intestines, too much tofu makes me bloat, and it’s hard to eat enough nuts to constitute proper protein – you don’t have a whole lot of options. But really, if you have a problem with binging – look into upping your protein and FAT. Seriously the more fat I eat the better I feel – it’s still kind of hard for me because I have hang ups with that, but I’m working on it.

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Eggs – almost a daily breakfast for me – scrambled in coconut oil with spinach and tomato

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Since the start of winter I haven’t been drinking my smoothies as much – but this was a nice treat – classic protein powder, spinach, banana (topped with homemade banana/coconut butter)- yum!

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Random snack plate – pickled herring (love), various veggies in the fridge, PB and hummus. I actually ended up eating a few PB bites with the fish and it was surprisingly good.

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More eggs – fried in coconut oil of course
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A more adventurous I tried Carrot’n’Cakes “French toast breakfast scramble” I added 2 eggs an one banana and nixed the honey since it was too sweet for me anyway.

(None of these pictures constitute a full meal – these are just the food I actually SAT DOWN for. Believe me there was multiple peanut butter spoon dipping action going on between, during and after ūüėČ )

And what else – that’s about it/ ¬†As I say every time I post I will try to post more about my thoughts, day to day happenings etc – if I get around to it ūüėČ

Enjoy your Sunday everyone ūüôā And here’s to a happy week ahead.

Love and other complicated things….. (about learning to love yourself first)

(Warning, you are about to read the sappiest post, possibly in the history of your life. So buckle up and bare with me if you think it’s worth it)

Ok, so I’m going to start off by saying this post is going to be¬†intensely¬†personal, and although it’s kind of weird to write these kind of things up for all to see, it’s something I do want to get off my chest. Also most of those reading this blog I already consider friends, ¬†so it’s not all that strange for me.

Valentines day used to be a difficult time for me. Generally I spent most of my valentines days pretty miserable, because I didn’t have that special someone. This might not ¬†seem like a big deal to some of you, but relationships and all things love related have a kind of negative connotation with me.

Let’s just say I’ve never had a normal relationship. For real. I had a few flings here and there in my early teen years, but nothing serious. The first time I “fell in love” ¬†(can you even call it that if you’re that young) was when I was 15.It was a dark time of my life, I was struggling with some pretty intense depression along with going through all the normal teenage insecurities you go through at that age. In any case I guess I kind of latched on to the first person that showed me any kind of ¬†kindness. And he was a nice guy, don’t get me wrong, and to this day I wonder if he didn’t by any chance feel the same way. Of course before anything could develop he moved further away and although he would still call me and tell me how much I¬†meant¬†to him, and how much he missed me etc., the next time I saw him he was snuggling up to another friend of mine. Well all that to say it was a harsh slap in the face for a girl that was as naive as I was back then, and definitely did little for my self esteem.

Then came my first ( and kind of¬†unfortunately¬†last ) relationship. I had actually met him a few years back when I was 13 at a music festival. We kept in touch more or less and there was definitely some chemistry there, but never met up since then. Anyhow when I was 15 he offered to come visit me. ¬†I figured, why not? So we worked everything out and during that short visit I managed to fall in love with him. He made me feel beautiful, noticed, special – everything I was¬†desperately¬†needing at the time. And it somehow happened. ¬†He was my first ūüėČ and I wanted him to be. ¬†I remember crying the night he left, and knowing I would never forget him.

Turned out I didn’t have to, because he decided to move close to where I was and stay for good. He felt the same way about me I did about him, and to be honest at first I was overjoyed. My parents cautioned me not to get involved, he was much older then me (21) and I was still young and naive. But what girl listens to her parents, especially about things like that? I threw myself head first into this relationship, expecting it to be roses and rainbows the whole way.Well I was in for a shock, ¬†because you should never put all your hopes on one person. I’ve blocked out my memories and burned all the journals from that time, because they were just too painful. It turns out the “love of my life” had a dark side. He was a manic depressive, and definitely fed that side of my nature. He was also emotionally and physically abusive to me and blamed me for this fits of depression. He was horribly¬†possessive¬†and¬†jealous¬†– I couldn’t do ANYTHING without him. I never said the right thing, did the right thing, was good enough. He often told me that my only positive¬†attributes¬†were my good looks. Around this time I started my extreme dieting that turned into anorexia. He knew about it, but did nothing to stop it. I¬†desperately¬†wanted him to, wanted him to support me, to pull me out of the the dark hole I was getting sucked into. But he had his head to far up his own ass (sorry for the language) to notice I was¬†disappearing¬†before his eyes. ¬†Our relationship lasted about 6 months, and as much as I felt trapped in it and hurt by it, I loved him too much to let it go. They say love is blind and that is what my love was, blind to how much he was hurting me, blind to the fact I deserved better, blind to the fact that you can’t help anyone who won’t help themselves. ¬†In the end my friends and family (most of whom didn’t know about my relationship) decided even this friendship of mine was hurting me too much to let it continue. Later on they told me that it looked like my life was being sucked out of me a little more each and every day. Anyhow my parents basically banned him from seeing me again (at this point I knew it was for the best), and he had a screaming fit right in front of my house – almost like he was¬†possessed¬† It scared me so bad – that scene is¬†ingrained¬†in my head forever. He had been drinking and said and did some horrible things that night – he threatened to kill himself – and at that moment I believed him. Some of my friends were crying, the air was tense. But I was¬†strangely¬†numb – I had no more tears to cry after crying nearly daily for the last 3 months. ¬†I felt like he had taken everything from me – every last shred of dignity, self-respect and hope I had. And all I was left with – was an eating disorder to comfort me.

Since then I’ve never let anyone into my life. Sure I’ve had a few “friends with benefits” you might call them – but it was always all in good fun, and I never let it get serious. I used guys as a numbing mechanism when I was sick – because for the few moments I was with them I felt wanted/loved/like I was something again. But I never let them any deeper becaus e I didn’t feel like I deserved it. Deep inside my heart I felt I was nothing, good for nothing, worth nothing.

But over Christmas something changed. I met up with a very good, old friend of mine. We have a funny relationship – somewhere between friends with benefits and best friends. I’ve been with him through a very bad break up of his and he’ s been with me through my hospitalization and the ups and downs of my ED. ¬†But I’ve never let my guard down – not even around him. I still tried to hold it together – even when I was at my worst. He was always the one doing the talking – and I was always listening. But seeing him again – something was different. I didn’t notice it at first, I thought maybe it was because he had a potential girlfriend and I was afraid of losing one of my best friends. But one evening after having quite a bit too much to drink I broke down and I told him everything. Yup, I was one of those crying girls at bars that I swore never to be. Actually after my last boyfriend I swore never to cry in front of a guy – period. ¬†But at this point I was just tired – tired of being ok, of keeping everything together, of being strong. I told him everything – what was really going on at home, about the worst relapse of my life, about how I was scare of facing the future. And he held me and listened. Anyhow one thing led to another and I spent the night with his arm around me (again a girl chronically afraid of affection). And in the morning I realized – shit – I love this guy.

Wow, putting that into words is hard, because I don’t like admitting that I let someone into my life like that. It’s still hard for me to accept that I made myself “weak and vulnerable again”. But just letting those guards down was the most liberating feeling ever. And this love is a lot more mature then the ones I had before. This guy has a girlfriend- and I’m ok with that. We never talk – probably for that reason – and I’m also ok with that. Sure its not easy for me to think of them together, not sure if I could actually handle seeing them together. But I’m happy he’s found someone he’s happy with. I’m happy just knowing he’s happy. And even though we’re not in touch, and we might never see each other again, I don’t regret opening myself up to him. Because he made me realize something about myself – I¬†finally¬†love myself enough to let someone else love me.

So this Valentines instead of being depressed about having no one I celebrated the fact that I can now accept that I AM worth something, that I DO deserve someone that will treat me right, and that there are nice guys out there. And if I’ve managed to open myself up to one person and not be betrayed by them – it can and will happen again. And some day I will find the right person for me.

Quiestion of the day – was this the most sentimental/awkward post in the history of this blog or not? ūüėõ

Acceptance comes before understanding (operation love your body pt. 3)

Recently I’ve been thinking……

What if I just stopped caring about having a “healthy” diet?

What if I let go of the idea of a perfect body?

What if I just lived life?

I’ve spent so much time recently looking into the “perfect diet” for me. The reason – well aside from the fact that I have food allergies yet unknown to man (grain and dairy intolerant anyone?) and a balloon decided to take up¬†permanent¬†residence in my stomach 24/7 (bloating like you can only imagine), ¬†and some¬†serious¬†fatigue issues – I also now have reached my target weight which means…. I’ve become more food¬†conscious¬† I want to keep gaining, but muscle not fat. I’m not super thrilled about this perpetual pooch that has developed around my stomach that seems grossly disproportionate to the rest of my body.

But I’m coming to realize that acceptance comes before understanding – that means that before I really let go of all my old eating habits and hang ups I need to realize I may never have a perfectly flat stomach, I might never ¬†figure out a diet that works for me 100%, I might never really attain to my perfect fitness level, I might never have a body fat level lower than X %. ¬†And in order to really live life I need to accept that and stop caring. Of course I want to do the best I can to be healthy, I want to find a diet that enables me to have as few stomach problems as possible. I want to feel good about my body, be fit and have high energy levels. ¬†But it can’t become my life’s obsession, and I don’t want ¬†it to be.

No friggen way I’m eating this endlessly again. The days of restricted eating are behind me and I’m not going back

So I will choose to accept, and love my body the way it is right now. Not love the idea of what it could be, not love the idea of what it was , love what it is right now, at this moment. And then stop thinking about it and move on with my life.

And just to regain some perspective – check out this article. Honestly after reading this I was like – what the heck am I complaining about.

Click here ¬†for the link to this girl’s amazing story.

 

 

 

Now a very personal question¬† – honestly how much of your thoughts to your body/diet occupy your mind? For me, it’s about 30% of my thoughts, but I NEED to make that change ASAP.