Why oh why do you need to title post… it makes things just feel way too formal.

Oh, and by the way – hi guys.  I know we haven’t talked in a while but anyonw who blogs knows that if you blog fairly regularly and then stop for whatever reason, it’s crazy hard to get back into the groove. But then again, most everything has been crazy recently in both good and bad ways.

I had an amazing vacation in the Czech Republic about a week ago. Really I wish I had taken more pictures (although someone out there has some) and blogged more, but to be honest I really couldn’t be bothered. I was way too busy enjoying life to want to document it. Basically it was total chill out mode – glasses of wine, amazing food, awesome company, lots of dancing, lots of drinking, ocasional (but kick-ass) work out. All in all, a great time, so great it’s really hard to get back to day to day life.

Actually I’m still in kind of a crazy state of mind at the moment. I’m not content where I’m at, but I’m not really sure where I’m going. Once you’ve been obsessed with something for so long, once you let it go life becomes incredibly complicated. All of a sudden you a flooded with dreams, hopes and ideas for the future, and no idea where to start and how to go about it.

And yes, being in a supportive enviroment would help. Since I feel finantially and emotionally obligated to help my parents we are in very close proximity for the time being. Which would be ok provided they were a little less lost then I am. But my dear bi-polar father makes life at home a constant battle field, while my saitly mother tries to hold it all together. And I alternate between turning a blind eye and breaking down because it’s all getting to be too much.

On the upside I have so many plans, so many dreams, so many idea. I want to do so many things there simply aren’t enough hours in the day. Blogging is one of them, and although it’s at the further end of my list of priorities, I miss you all insanely and hope that those of you who are reading this realize that my absense is not because I don’t care about you, but because I don’t know what to tell you. Sort of like my random rambling here, which have turned into a massive brain fart :P. But at least you know I’m alive, that I haven’t forgoten you and that I hope to pop by in the near future. Take care and love you all. S

The new me….

I know I promised this post a bit sooner….

But life just has a way of taking you by surprise when you least expect it.

I was at my friends wedding on Saturday and between the last minute preparations (got my hair done, bought a new bag, the whole nine yards), dancing till dawn and then encountering some food poisoning (fish left out on the table over 8 hours) and a hangover that I’ve never before experienced- Sunday was a day cut out of my life. Although my head didn’t thank me the next morning, and I haven’t felt more miserable in a long time – no regrets. Why? Because I’m finally living life.2013-07-06 16.05.19

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The old me would never have gone to a wedding where I don’t know anyone, where there are copious amounts of food involved, and an unknown situation. But this new me jumped into it with both feet, had an amazing time and feels awesome.

I’ve decided it’s time to start coming out of my shell and to start living life. If there’s an opportunity I take it- for better or for worse. Life isn’t about food, or exercise or knowing exactly what I’m doing from one moment to the next – life is about living it.

So I’ve been doing some other daring things recently, and possibly the most daring of which is happening this weekend.

I love dance. I really, truly do, with all my heart, soul and mind. When I was younger it was always my dream to be a dancer. Some kids changes what they wanted to be a million times growing up- but not me. I always wanted to be a dancer. Growing up I was always involved in dance in some way or another – I was in dance troups, I organized dance troups. I loved dancing – I danced when I was happy or sad, when I needed to say something I could never manage in words.

Then dance was replaced by another obsession, a much more unhealthy one, one that controlled my life for nearly five years.

One of my key motivatons in recovery is that I wanted to be able to dance again. When I was at my sickest I was tired after longer walks, much less dancing. Plus my prefered dance form is Latin – and the basis for that is curves.  So in my current state it was out of the quiestion – but the goal was always there.

Now that I am at a healthy weight, I’ve been wanting to do something with dance for a long time. I (unfortunatly) lost too many years of my life to dance professionally. I did, however think of something as a substitute. I signed up for a course, and this weekend (yikes) I am traveling down to get certified.

I am going to be a Zumba instructor.

Just saying (typing) that makes me feel all jittery and exited at the same time. This is so incredibly out of my comfort zone that it’s scary. To be a Zumba instructor you need to be full of confidence, passion and positive energy. Till now, I didn’t feel I had it in me, but I’m ready to take the plunge. What will happne in the long run remains to be seen – all I know is this – when I’m dancing I forget the world, I forget my problems, I forget the struggles of day to day life. It’s just me the music and the rest of the world fades. I dance because it makes me incredibly happy, because it makes me feel confident, sexy, happy in my new body. I dance because I love it and will never ever stop loving it.

My life is no longer about food, or exercise, or the perfect diet or schedule. My life is about living it, loving it an enjoying every single moment. And I have a feeling I have an awesome ride ahead.

And yes…. that’s my early morning ramblings for today (early morning because I’m typing it up at 5:30 AM, and I’ve been up since 3:30 – ouch!).Just wanted to share that with you all.

A roller coaster ride

That’s exactly what my life has been recently…

Why? It’s because I am in the process of trying to rediscover my identity – sans ED. Some days the feeling of freedom is overwhelming, and some days – well lets just say I say a silent prayer when they are over.

It’s quite different when you are in recovery/doing the whole weight gain thing – to enjoy food, cooking, experimenting, indulging and all that. When you “overdo it” you can generally get over it (at least I would) be rationalizing that “you need it”. But what happens when you no longer need it? What happens when an indulgence is just that – an indulgence? What happens when your body is constantly changing and you no longer need it to? I’ll tell you what – you feel totally lost.

The comments are hard to deal with as well – as they range between “You look gorgeous” to “Wow you’ve gained weight”. Couple that with your own body image issues and you have yourself one crazy roller coaster ride. Some days I feel like a sexy beast and some days – like yesterday – I basically cry when I look at myself in the mirror.

At the same time – I am making big plans and goals for the future. There are so many things I want to be, so many things I want to do. But I’m still struggling to figure out who I am exactly – and what I want. Most of all – how do I get there?

Ah life – is beautifully complex when you decide to live it. There was a point it was simple – because I wasn’t going to live past 25. Now it’s getting more and more complicated, but more and more exiting as well.

I have some goals- exiciting news to share with you all tomorrow, if anyone’s still around ‘)

And I’m back….

Hi all.

Wow, I was looking back at my last posts and have realized that my blog has become a bumbling blob of negativity – so not cool. No but really. I was tempted to delete the last few posts and even though it’s still a tempting option, I realize this blog is meant to sort of document my journey – and my journey has its ups and downs.

But I’m ready to switch the down back into an up again – so here goes.

I already started feeling better last night- after a upbeat Zumba class coupled with some awesome “So you think you can Dance” action – I felt much more ready to look at things from a more constructive, outside perspective. So lets get down to the facts – shall we.

Switching to  a “paleofied” (because I have never full on paleo) has helped me in a lot of ways – health wise. I realized my body is not a fan of grains – not sure why, not sure if it’s forever – but for now – it’s a fact. Possibly because for all my years of being a vegetarian they were practically the only thing I ate besides vegetables and fruit, I lost the balance somewhere and my body decided I had overdone it,

Also fruit – I love it, I eat it, but it does crazy things to my blood sugar levels. Let’s face it – I have a messed up metabolism from all the crazy things I have put my body though – no surprise there. And I do need to play around it a bit, because when I “let it all go”, bad things happen.

Fact – my body doesn’t trust me yet. Although I am at a healthy weight, have more energy than every and feel much better then I have in a long time – it will still take a while to restore the balance  with my body that I need. I believe it’s possible, and at some point in time food will just be food to me. But till then – I will work with what I’ve got that be thankful things are as good as they are.

Anyhow – back to the paleo diet – I believe it works if you do it right – problem was I wasn’t doing it right. I like food – I like eating 5-6 times a day. It does get inconvenient sometimes, especially when I’m really busy – which is when paleo really appealed to me. But intermedient fasting , eating one huge meal a day etc – not me so much.  My meals had become boring and monottonous – and I believe the reason for my binging was because was missing some vitamin or mineral somewhere along the line. Thinge were getting out of balance, I was becoming afraid of certain foods – too much sugar etc, and substituting them for unhealthy yet “safe” food – for instance – diet coke.

So now it’s time for a change, time to get back to the basics of healthy eating. Grains still won’t be a regular part of my diet – because I just feel better without them. But I want to experiment with adding some more beans and legumes to my diet. Yes maybe they’re the “devil” but I miss hummus in my life.

I am tired of trying to fit into a mold of good and healthy. I love to lift so I will do that, but I love to run so I will do that to. I love to dance so I will do Zumba (chronic cardio my ass). I love to eat so I will eat. I love to read so I will read and I love to cook so I will cook again. And every time I fall I will get up to fight ten times stronger. Because I love to live 🙂

And here are some things that have been making my life amazing recently

Zdjęcie0282A quick snack – strawberries, protein powder and quark

Zdjęcie0277Turkey burgers and salad

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Perks of being a teacher – end of the year chocolates

Zdjęcie0279A recent staple breafast – 2 ingrediet pancake, strawberries, peanut butter and yogurt

Zdjęcie0270A on-the-go salad. Eggs, deli turkey meat, salad.

Still reeling.

I know I said I wasn’t going to do this – but I will appologize for this post. It is all over the place, but then again – I am all over the place. But I need an outlet , I need support so here goes nothing.

Exam season is over – but I’m still reeling.

You know, no matter how many times you binge, it doesn’t get any easier  dealing with it :(. The minute I passed the last exam, I came home and binge. The trend continued every day since then :(. I don’t know why, I don’t understand. My body image is at an all time low, I feel disguisting when I work out. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me – everything was going so well. I had my diet figured out, my life figured out. Heck I was on a major possitivity streak not long ago. And now – I’m typing this while trying to figure out if I need to eat breakfast or not 😦

It’s hard because the moment I think I’m “fixed” I still realize I’ very much broken. I thought paleo was the answer for all my troubles and woas, and though it did help somewhat short term, things got out of balance somewhere. I am really fighting to stay on track (whatever that means), but bloody hell is it hard. Being perpetually hungry is hard, not knowing when to stop eating is hard, always somehow thinking about food is hard.

But toay will end, tomorrow will be a better day. Prehalps what I need is to be kind to myself for a bit – to show some “self-love”. I’ve been pushing so hard recently – that I have forgotten what it’s like to stop and just breath, just be, just enjoy the little things. So small steps, one day at a time I will restore balance back into my life.

Thank you for listening – I just needed to get that out there. Now, onto breakfast 😉

After all the optimism

It can’t be all sunshine and rainbows …..

I was silly, I stepped on the scale the other day.

The number was up, like way up. Makes me feel like shit 😦

My brain tells me the there are numerous reasons for that – water retention, weight fluctuation, time of the months etc. But my feelings are not being very cooperative.

I feel angry – because I like to eat damn it. I don’t want to worry about the scale going up. Yet I feel my pants getting tighter, my clothes fitting worse. Am so incredibly swamped in setetary work I don’t have time to exercise. All I have time to do is sit, with my book in hand and eat, and try to force my mind to focus without constantly chewing. ARGH. And I’m bloated and feeling like crap to boot.

Why oh why is eating so complicated? All my school mates eat like crap 6-7 days a week and are slim as can be. And me – I eat what I like, when I like, but it doesn’t seem like obscene amounts to me. I don’t want to count calories and plan meals and all that BS. But then again, the alternative of my clothes fitting tighter is worse.

Last thing I need now  to add to my stress. I need to get it out so I’m writing it here. Hopefully tomorrow will be better – it has to be 😦 

Always moving forward

Hello, hello

Thank you all who stopped by to comment on my last post. I know this blog has been ghost town of late – but those of you who “know” me still bothered to stop by an read it despite it all, which makes me feel very loved :). Really sometimes I feel like my strongest support group as far as recovery is concerned is right here – in cyber space. And because of that I am really, really thankfull to have you all in my life.

Really looking back on the progress I have made in the past few months is incredible. Really, I’m not sure what changed or where, but it feels awesome. I think at some point I just made the choice to break out of my shell and embrace life – with  all of it’s ups and downs , worries and problems. Still don’t regret it, doubt I ever will.

But…. I am stil SO far from being perfect. As much as I feel I am doing well, there are still several things I struggle with, actually more then several. I’m going to share them with you all, not to put myself down, but just to help you realize that it’s not like you wake up one morning an are “better”. It’s a long process to learn to love and accept yourself as you are and deal with all the little day to  day things that come up. But every day is a learning experience if we make it so.

So…. what am I currently working on:

– Eating mindfully. I think at some point I decided that eating was to complicated to overthing, so 80% of the time I end up just shoveling what is around into my mouth and getting on with it. Of course as unproblematic as it may seem – it leaves me feeling unstatisfied (mentally anyways) by the end, and always just a little guilty kinf of like “where did all that go?” I know food is fuel, but it’s also enjoyment and I need to find that balance in treating it as both.

– Listening to my hunger/fullness cues. This one sort of relates to the previous one, but I often have a hard time feeling “full”. I realize that often I am physically full, but overall mentally unsatisfied. This generally comes from denying myself food for so long, I realize that. But I still aspire to get to a point where I can sit down to a plate of food and satisfy myself – both mentally and physically, without overdoing it or on the flip side – restricting because it’s just “too much food”

– Numbing my emotions with food. When I was eating around 1000 cal a day, if I was feeling depressed, tired, annoyed, stressed – it was usually down to malnutrition and eating helped me feel a bit better. Now I am no longer malnourished, but it’s still ingrained in me that food is the solution to my promlems. Stress hits – and I look frantically for something to much on, tired – same story etc.  Not that it’s oh so horrible that I deal with my emotions with food – but I’d much rather blow off steam by talking about a problems rather then digging into a chocolate bar and being left with a feeling of emptiness and stomach ache afterwards.

So yeah, that’s about the long and the short of it. I still have days that I overeat, days I deal with my emotions through food, days where my attitude towards it is “disordered”. The diference is now I treat each of these experiences as a lesson and I fight to move forward and learn along the way.  And because of that these days are slowly becoming fewer  and further between.

And since we’re on the possitive note of enjoying food – here are some of my delcious indulgences of late:

Zdjęcie0264A fresh banana/orange/strawberry juice as study fuel from a coffee shop down the street

Zdjęcie02672 ingredient bancake with strawberries, quark, yogurt and protein poweder – love me some weekend breakfasts 😉

What bad habit are currently working on breaking?

Proud

Today I steped on the scale for the first time in months.

– Beep – the number flashed back at me. For a few moments I was afraid to look down. But it was now or never.

** kgs the scale read, putting my BMI at the magic 18,5. This was my hospital release weight, the weight I fought tooth and nail not to stay at after my release.

I waited for the familiar wave of self loathing to hit me, the typhoon that never failed to wash away my happiness. I waited for those thought to come rushing through my head – of how many X calories I needed to maintain this weight, or better yet – lose just a “little” bit.On the flipside – I waited for the feeling of accomplishmet – that I had “arrived”, that I was recovered.

Instead, I felt nothing – it felt like I had just typed in 1+1 on a calculator and was looking at the number 2 that had just appeared. I felt no emotional attachment whatsoever to the number staring back at me, and then I realized.

Recovery is NOT a number, t’s not an amount of food you eat, or what you “can” eat, or how much you weigh. It’s hard to really describe what recover is- possibly it’s something different for each person

Honestly, I don’t know if I’m recovered yet. All I know is that I a reout of my accomplishments and acheivments. And what are those you might ask? I am no longer the skinny girl – or the girl who eats the least or the healthiest. I am the girl who sings on the way home, who more often then not feels sexy in her skin, who is dealing with 9 upcoming exams, teaching a pre-school grop, organizing kids parties/events and giving private english lessons (before just the thought of two exams was enough to give me a panic attack). I may not be recovered, or maybe I am, but I sure as heck am proud of my accomplishments.

A pessimist told me – “you may be sober, but you’ll always be an addict”. I would phrase that differently. You mat be sober, but you’ll always be a fighter. You will never be the same again – you will forever wear the badge of your struggle, of the hell it took to get here. You may still fight a little every day – but it gets easier as you get stronger. And that is what I am most proud of myself, that I am stronger today then I was yeasterday and that I am getting stronger every day.

Breath, just breath.

I could appologize for my lack of posting. I could tell you all how many times I’ve considered writing, though about writing, or even planned to write.

But the truth of the matter is – I’m hardly keeping up with real life – much less the virtual one. I’m facing possibly the worst exam session in the history of my studies and working more then I ever have at the same time. I don’t have time to sleep, to exercise, to eat cooked food (I am also eating more junk then I ever have, but that’s just a side thought). Yeasterday I passed out at 11 because I felt so nautious that I simply could not study. And for that I feel awefully, horribly, guilty. Almost getting a panic attack thinking about that to-do list of today. And to be honest – I’m really, really sick of it all. Sick of trying to be everything to every one – the perfect daughter, student and worker. I’m sick of being forced to fight for perfection (a scholastic grant to cover my study expenses).And to be honest – I’m just plain exhausted. I’m not living life currently, just merely existing.

But – I look towards the future, and in my minds eye it’ll all be worth it. I second guess myself A LOT on this one, but I need to cling to this. What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger – and this girl has been though MUCH worse. 

So bring it on -because I can do it! As much as it will be a miracle if I pass this exam session with the grades I need to get the grant – my whole life thus far has been sort of a miracle. Heck – some people might argue that because of a long standing past illness (which I am actually doing very well on the road to recovery from) I shouldn’t even be alive. So I CAN do this.

But I will appologize for my absence, because right now it’s taking all my will power to breath, just breath, and to be here in this moment and tackle what’s before me. But I will return to haunt you all befor long – no worries 😉

A quick update

-2 AM study sessions

-Days spent at work

– Feeling like I need matchsticks to keep my eyes open

– Lots of coffee helps too

– Reaching the end of the day with a whole to do list still in front of me

– Food – is something I put in my mouth, chew, swallow – rarely noticing what it is. Exercise – is walking to work and back.

– Zumba – my favorite stress reliever

– Group projects – suck when your teammates bail on you last minute

– Being overly abitious bites you in the butt.

– Miss connecting with all of you and having more time to write and comment 😦

– Bu t I do remember a time when this was the life I dreamed of, and to be honest overall I can’t complain. But the next three weeks are gonna be one bumby ride.

Miss you all though. Hugs!

Share something from your week in bullets – I want to know whats going on 🙂