Coming back

It’s been so long…

Yet in moments like these, I seem drawn to this place. A strange memory surrounds my blogging history, I am so far removed from the girl I was when I first arrived here. And yet- something keeps calling me back. I believe there is a sense of freedom when I write here, as well as a sense of belonging, Here , within a community so far removed from my day to day existance – I feel like I can express my innermost thoughts and feelings. Here, I feel as if, in some strange way – I belong. Here, amindst the millions of people that rome cyber space daily – I have friends, real friends, people who truly love and care for me – something that has been strangely missing in life as it is.

Life, is more wonderful and complicated then I ever imagined it to be. I thought after my struggles and victories nothing could ever surprise me or turn my world upside down – but boy was I wrong. I have been through extreme highs, and dizzying lows. But nothing could compare to the whirlwind of emotion that i am in now. It is as if I have forgotten when it is like to feel, to truly lose yourself in utter abandon to the dizzing rollercoaster ride that are emotions. And it is so exiting, yet exhausting at the same time. It is hard to love with such total abandon that all you care about is someone else’s happiness, regardless of what it means for you. It is impossible to go about the duties of day to day life without thinking of them, caring about them, worrying about their well being. And yet, the pain of knowing that there is no end in sight, that these feelings can go on for eternity with no respite is a daunting prospect in itself.  A part of me wants to run, wants to numb, wants to do anything not to feel. And yet… I am reminded of a time not to long ago when I COULD not feel, when feelings were abstract words with no meaning behind them. And so I take this rollest coaster ride – not knowing where it  will take me. I hope against hope that there is a happy ending, but if not I will enjoy the journey and this new sensetion that is feeling.

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