A roller coaster ride

That’s exactly what my life has been recently…

Why? It’s because I am in the process of trying to rediscover my identity – sans ED. Some days the feeling of freedom is overwhelming, and some days – well lets just say I say a silent prayer when they are over.

It’s quite different when you are in recovery/doing the whole weight gain thing – to enjoy food, cooking, experimenting, indulging and all that. When you “overdo it” you can generally get over it (at least I would) be rationalizing that “you need it”. But what happens when you no longer need it? What happens when an indulgence is just that – an indulgence? What happens when your body is constantly changing and you no longer need it to? I’ll tell you what – you feel totally lost.

The comments are hard to deal with as well – as they range between “You look gorgeous” to “Wow you’ve gained weight”. Couple that with your own body image issues and you have yourself one crazy roller coaster ride. Some days I feel like a sexy beast and some days – like yesterday – I basically cry when I look at myself in the mirror.

At the same time – I am making big plans and goals for the future. There are so many things I want to be, so many things I want to do. But I’m still struggling to figure out who I am exactly – and what I want. Most of all – how do I get there?

Ah life – is beautifully complex when you decide to live it. There was a point it was simple – because I wasn’t going to live past 25. Now it’s getting more and more complicated, but more and more exiting as well.

I have some goals- exiciting news to share with you all tomorrow, if anyone’s still around ‘)

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One comment

  1. Always around, can’t wait to hear your new goals beautiful friend ❤ I know how you feel with the roller-coaster emotions. I wish I could say that it gets better, but it doesn't really 😛 Overtime, yes, but right now, no. We still have "lot's of living" to do 😀
    Hugs. Would write more because I love you and haven't heard from you in such a long time, but have to hurry. Promise to write more later! Keep us posting.


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