After all the optimism

It can’t be all sunshine and rainbows …..

I was silly, I stepped on the scale the other day.

The number was up, like way up. Makes me feel like shit 😦

My brain tells me the there are numerous reasons for that – water retention, weight fluctuation, time of the months etc. But my feelings are not being very cooperative.

I feel angry – because I like to eat damn it. I don’t want to worry about the scale going up. Yet I feel my pants getting tighter, my clothes fitting worse. Am so incredibly swamped in setetary work I don’t have time to exercise. All I have time to do is sit, with my book in hand and eat, and try to force my mind to focus without constantly chewing. ARGH. And I’m bloated and feeling like crap to boot.

Why oh why is eating so complicated? All my school mates eat like crap 6-7 days a week and are slim as can be. And me – I eat what I like, when I like, but it doesn’t seem like obscene amounts to me. I don’t want to count calories and plan meals and all that BS. But then again, the alternative of my clothes fitting tighter is worse.

Last thing I need now  to add to my stress. I need to get it out so I’m writing it here. Hopefully tomorrow will be better – it has to be 😦 



  1. Sending you the longest hug. Remember all the horrible times anorexic gave you. Remember all the struggle and pain he put you through. Remember the agony, the tears, the stress coming from him and remember how hard you worked to fight back and reclaim your identity. Remember that you are stronger than your thoughts. That any dream you set out to do is because of YOUR wanting to play a bigger part in this world. Remember that you are excited about the new possibilities you are creating. Remember that your dreams are coming true thanks to recovery, thanks to food, thanks to energy and thanks to life. Remember all of that. Holding you tight in my thoughts tonight. You can do this Leelou. I believe in you ❤

  2. I agree 100% with Andrea here.
    You have come so far,why give up now? Why?
    Because of a number on a lifeless object?
    No,dear. No.
    You deserve better.

  3. I know exactly how you feel. I stepped on the scale at the gym this week (after avoiding the gym for several months) and I saw that I had gained weight. I don’t know what to tell you. It sucks. I just try to busy myself and not think about it.

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