Proud

Today I steped on the scale for the first time in months.

– Beep – the number flashed back at me. For a few moments I was afraid to look down. But it was now or never.

** kgs the scale read, putting my BMI at the magic 18,5. This was my hospital release weight, the weight I fought tooth and nail not to stay at after my release.

I waited for the familiar wave of self loathing to hit me, the typhoon that never failed to wash away my happiness. I waited for those thought to come rushing through my head – of how many X calories I needed to maintain this weight, or better yet – lose just a “little” bit.On the flipside – I waited for the feeling of accomplishmet – that I had “arrived”, that I was recovered.

Instead, I felt nothing – it felt like I had just typed in 1+1 on a calculator and was looking at the number 2 that had just appeared. I felt no emotional attachment whatsoever to the number staring back at me, and then I realized.

Recovery is NOT a number, t’s not an amount of food you eat, or what you “can” eat, or how much you weigh. It’s hard to really describe what recover is- possibly it’s something different for each person

Honestly, I don’t know if I’m recovered yet. All I know is that I a reout of my accomplishments and acheivments. And what are those you might ask? I am no longer the skinny girl – or the girl who eats the least or the healthiest. I am the girl who sings on the way home, who more often then not feels sexy in her skin, who is dealing with 9 upcoming exams, teaching a pre-school grop, organizing kids parties/events and giving private english lessons (before just the thought of two exams was enough to give me a panic attack). I may not be recovered, or maybe I am, but I sure as heck am proud of my accomplishments.

A pessimist told me – “you may be sober, but you’ll always be an addict”. I would phrase that differently. You mat be sober, but you’ll always be a fighter. You will never be the same again – you will forever wear the badge of your struggle, of the hell it took to get here. You may still fight a little every day – but it gets easier as you get stronger. And that is what I am most proud of myself, that I am stronger today then I was yeasterday and that I am getting stronger every day.

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5 comments

  1. I am in happy tears reading this post my dearest Leelu. I ma so incredibly proud of your fighting spirit and your ability to keep fighting no matter what external number you read on a scale or mark you receive on an exam. You are already an inspiration to everyone who reads your words and meets your beautiful soul in person. I love you dear girl and just want to hold you tight and send you a huge hug.
    So proud of my dearest Polish friend 🙂

  2. This is amazing. YOU are amazing. You are so wise, so strong, and should be extremely proud of how far you’ve come. Recently, I’ve been having a rough time, wondering if I even want recovery and if it’s even worth it. Reading this tonight has restored my faith that I am doing the right thing. I cannot even begin to tell you how much I admire and look up to you. Thank you for being such an inspiration to me, and to so many others.

  3. You. Are. INCREDIBLE!
    Liiiz,I seriously want to jump through the screen and give you the biggest hug right now.
    I am SO amazed by how far you’ve come; SO amazed by your strength and your progress!
    Finally,you are seeing yourself as the one you are – a beautiful,strong young lady – again,not as a number or a disease.
    And you deserve it so much!

  4. Every time I come back and visit your blog I’m left with two overwhelming feelings: pride and inspiration. You have achieved so much and come so far, the fact that the number on the scale did not make you feel emotional is a testimony to how far you really have come. And your wisdom and insight is incredibly inspiring, I like to hope that I too will always be a fighter. I think we all are in our own ways. You deserve to be happy and live a wonderful life! I hope you’re having a good week and good luck with all of those exams 🙂


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