Breath, just breath.

I could appologize for my lack of posting. I could tell you all how many times I’ve considered writing, though about writing, or even planned to write.

But the truth of the matter is – I’m hardly keeping up with real life – much less the virtual one. I’m facing possibly the worst exam session in the history of my studies and working more then I ever have at the same time. I don’t have time to sleep, to exercise, to eat cooked food (I am also eating more junk then I ever have, but that’s just a side thought). Yeasterday I passed out at 11 because I felt so nautious that I simply could not study. And for that I feel awefully, horribly, guilty. Almost getting a panic attack thinking about that to-do list of today. And to be honest – I’m really, really sick of it all. Sick of trying to be everything to every one – the perfect daughter, student and worker. I’m sick of being forced to fight for perfection (a scholastic grant to cover my study expenses).And to be honest – I’m just plain exhausted. I’m not living life currently, just merely existing.

But – I look towards the future, and in my minds eye it’ll all be worth it. I second guess myself A LOT on this one, but I need to cling to this. What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger – and this girl has been though MUCH worse.Ā 

So bring it on -because I can do it! As much as it will be a miracle if I pass this exam session with the grades I need to get the grant – my whole life thus far has been sort of a miracle. Heck – some people might argue that because of a long standing past illness (which I am actually doing very well on the road to recovery from) I shouldn’t even be alive. So I CAN do this.

But I will appologize for my absence, because right now it’s taking all my will power to breath, just breath, and to be here in this moment and tackle what’s before me. But I will return to haunt you all befor long – no worries šŸ˜‰


One comment

  1. Lovely Leelou. Calm down, breathe, remember that you are not a machine. You NEED to rest and recover in order to be productive. You are still STILL in recovery as well, so you must be extra gentle with yourself. We all know that you CAN do it and this time period of stress is completely understandable, but do remember to be kind to yourself. You are the only Leelou around! ā¤ Love you, sending you huge hugs and rooting for you! Do not even think of apologizing for not blogging recently šŸ˜€

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