Today was a reality check.
It all started last night – when I discovered that I had an exam tomorrow that I hadn’t studied for in the least. Cue panic attack and a 2 am study session.
Unfortunatly the vast amount of material made it impossible to assimilate it all last night. I am generally not an OCD person anymore, but I like having things generally under control. I like plans, checklists and always being on top of things. Stressfull surprises – not so much.
Long story short – today ended up being a flashback of life 6 months ago. I saw a side of myself I haven’t seen in a long time – panic attacks, bad body image, binge urges and all. I was taken aback – where was this all coming from? I thought I was “better” already, above all this. And yet – there the feelings were.
I acknowlaged them, but didn’t give into them. Today was a hectic day, but I learned from it. There are things I wish I had done differently, thought patterns I wish I hadn’t gotten sucked into. Still I realize progress has been made, though maybe not as much as I would have liked.
Today has shown me that just because you’re better, doesn’t mean you are perfect. Having an ED is like having an injury – you may heal but the weakness is always there. And there’s no use igoring it, or brushing it aside. Acknowlage it, accept it, and be aware of it. Every time you fall, pick yourself up and determine to be stronger next time. Because it gets easier every time.
And that was my personal pep-talk for the day. Time for some Game of Thrones, sparkling wine and an early night. It’s early and off to school for me.
PS: The exam was moved till next week. So my panic attacks were waisted on nothing. Well, we live and learn.