The girl I want to be.

There’s nothing like a change of scenery to get a change of perspective. After a week of away from my usual work/school enviroment I have a much clearer vision of who I want to be, what I want to do. There are of course always vague ideas in the back of my head somewhere, but sometimes when you’re so close to the forest you can’t see the trees. We get so swallowed up by the mundaine that we forget how extraordinary our life has potential to be.

Now that I feel closer to total recovery (as much as such as thing is possible) then ever I feel like the world is mine – I have all the options in the world, all I have to do is pick and choose.

So here are my most recent epiphenies about my life:

1. I love my studies, but I don’t want to be obsessed with them. I kind of hate the pressure of trying to get perfect grades and be that A+ student all the time. I want to start letting go of that mentality a bit more and learning to let studying be a part of my life, as opossed to consuming it.

2. I want ย to work in my profession when I finish school. ย I don’t want to be one of those people that finish uni and with that paper in their pocket go on to do something completely different. I love the idea of being able to help others without being a doctor – and I’m willing to work hard to become who I want to be.

3. I love exercise, but not in it’s traditional form. I like moving, but the idea of being a personal trainer – not so much. Too many hours at the gym, too much pressure to be “fit” all the time. So what I REALLY want to do is get a ZIN zumba certification and start dancing again. It’s a long lost love, but I definitely want it back in my life ๐Ÿ™‚ And if I can get payed for it (even if it’s just pocket money – all the better)

4.I want to get more independant. For a few years now because of my illness I wasn’t really able to trust myself to properly care for myself. But now that I’ve closed that chapter of my life- hopefully for good – I’m just itching to get my own space. Of course, finances play into this a bit – but if not this year – I’m definitely looking into the next.

5. I want to spend more time enjoying life, food and the beauty life brings. I don’t mind having to push through an exam session living on eggs and cottage cheese, but I don’t want it to be my life anymore.

6. I REALLY want to be able to help ED recoverers. Before then I also want to get fully recovered, mentally as well as physically. Then… I’m not so sure. Ideally I’d be a RD who specializes in treating ED’s, but till then I’m willing to do anything – just to let them know they are not alone and that life is possible – they just have to choose it.

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On that happy note I leave you with a picture of my balanced dinner from yeasterday – it’s awesome – I know ๐Ÿ™‚

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That is a dinner plate mind you – stll have a hard time believing a ate it all (maybe a little embarressed too) but it was awesome ๐Ÿ™‚

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2 comments

  1. I’m so glad you are happy ๐Ÿ™‚ The beautiful thing about recovery is that it does open up so many options for you, way more than a life with an ED could ever offer. I am trying to remember that myself. I think that’s truly admirable that you want to help others through their struggles. If that is something you want to do, I have no doubt you will acheive it. Heck, you are already helping people through your blog just by sharing your story.

    P.S. I think dessert for dinner is the best idea ever! Everything on your plate looks divine ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. TOTALLY balanced.
    Look at it there on your lap with no hands!

    Good thing you had the wine to round out the fruit component (0;

    It is a beautiful thing, be-coming is.

    I want to share one of my favorite poems with you:

    Love After Love

    The time will come
    when, with elation
    you will greet yourself arriving
    at your own door, in your own mirror
    and each will smile at the other’s welcome,

    and say, sit here. Eat.
    You will love again the stranger who was your self.
    Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
    to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

    all your life, whom you ignored
    for another, who knows you by heart.
    Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

    the photographs, the desperate notes,
    peel your own image from the mirror.
    Sit. Feast on your life.

    Derek Walcott


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