A brain dump.

So much I want to say, yet so few words.

Currently in sort of a strange place in my life. Everything it seems I thought I knew I don’t know, and all I was sure of I quiestion.

Maintanence – a strange place to be. All I’ve known till now is weight gain, followed by a quick stint of weight loss and the cycle repeated. Now that I am in “maintanence” I keep finding myself thinking – what now? A part of me it itching to do something, move somewhere, to keep perfecting myself. Its the hardest thing in the world to just “be”, especially when you’re not yet comfortable with who you are.

So much has changed – both for good and for bad. My eating habits are all over the place, and the constant guessing game is tiering. I want to just throw in the towel and eat whatever – at the same time I know too much about nutrition and health to do that. Another part of me wants to get back to some sense of stability, some knowlage of absolutes. But I’m learning more and more is that nutrition is like religion – everyone believes a certain thing – it doesn’t make it right for wrong. There is some truth in everything – what you need to do is find what works for you. And my God – it’s a long, tiering process.

But – even through all the complication and bad body image days – I don’t regret my recovery thus far one bit. Am I 100% comfortable in my body – no I am not. Do I feel that I did everything “just right” – no I don’t. Do I wish I had done some things better – sure I do. But one thing I can say with 100% certainty is that a whole new world opened up to me that wasn’t available before. For once I can do anything, be anyone, go anywhere. It’s a whole sense of freedom that I’m just discovering. It’s scary, yet awesome at the same time.

And hell, if nothing else I’m getting a HECK of a lot of life experience though this. I mean – what other nutritionist can say they have experimented with this many diets, gone through an eating disorder and figured out what works for them (that part is still coming, but I’m hoping for the best). So at least maybe, long and tiering as this process may be – I MIGHT be able to figure it out and help someone else in the process. Just keeping it possitive 😉

So yes, that is the reason I’m not posting as much – is because I’m not sure what to write about. Currently – I’m trying to keep my head above water, get my life in gear and pretend I have it all together for the outside world. Because lets face it, after 5 years obsessing about something – once you take that away you’re not exactly sure who you are anymore. SO thank you all for bearing with me while I figure all this out – hopefully it’ll be sooner rather then later.

And now – sleep. Tomorrow is another crazy day in the life of me 😛

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6 comments

  1. Hugs. LOve you Leelou ❤ I know how you feel about "doing more now" and isn't freedom exhilarating?! 😀
    Hehe. I can't wait to hear what's in store for the next chapter of your life, lovely one. Keep on writing and living and trying out new adventures because there is SO much out there!

  2. Oh beautiful girl, thank you for sharing this. Recovery from an eating disorder is so hard because it takes over your whole life until you feel like you are the disorder, and only the disorder. But you are not; you are so, so much more. Recovery is all about discovering who you really are, who you were meant to be, and that can take time. Everything feels uncertain, I know, but look how far you have come already. It’s hard work, but you are doing it. Your journey is only just beginning, and I cannot wait to see you blossom!

  3. I understand what you mean,and I think it’s actually normal to NOT know what to do in your current situation.
    But you know,Liz,you have come amazingly far and I just know you can and also WILL make it. You’ll find something; you’ll figure out what makes you happy and what you need to live a happy and fulfilled life. Because you’re Liz,all right? The strong and beautiful Liz. 🙂
    Oh,and I am absolutely sure you’re going to be a great nutritionist! If I knew a nutritionist near me had as much experience as you do,I wouldn’t even hesitate and call her. Just so you know. 😉

  4. hang in there, dearie! you’re doing fantastic. it’s hard to keep on keepin’ on, isn’t it?! i am so with you in the difficulty of the “just being” aspect of life. but i think it’s what we’re supposed to do…

  5. You are so strong and I just know that you will make an amazing nutritionist! And you just keep doing what you’re doing because although it may not be ‘perfect’ (whatever that may be!) I think it’s doing wonders for you 🙂

    There is always light at the end of the tunnel, I spent 6 years thinking about every single scrap of food that passed between my lips but now I’d say I only think about the details of exactly what I’m eating about 10% of the time. As far as I’m concerned that is freedom! And I truly believe that for you the only way is up!!


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