Midnight musings

Recently I’ve been doing some thinking…. about myself, recovery, and life in general.

Real recovery is like ripping off a bandaid.

Those of you who have been following this blog for a while have seen my ups and downs. I went from thinking everything was ok, into one of the worst relapses yet, and back here again. And all I can say is – what a journey. I believe everything in this life happens for a reason, and although there are things I know now I wish I had known then, I trust that someday I will see the sense in it all.

Ironically I’ve also come to realize that when I seemed to have the things mostly together – was actually the point I was still really ill. It was just before I started studying, before the first year of uni. I was eating soooo healthy all the time, I was exercising , everything was planned and under control. Heck if you didn’t know me that well you might actually belive that facade. Unfortunatly, nothing could be further from the truth. I had never recovered from my last relapse – I had simply gone into remission. And with recovery there is no standing still, you are either moving forward or slipping back.

Real recovery only really started this summer, when I finally realized I had a problem. And that’s when the shit really hit the fan (excuse the language). It’s when the carefully constructed world started tubling down around me, the facade I fought so hard to keep up just came crashing down. And all that control I had – I gave it up. And then started the cycle of restricted eating/binge eating, healthy and unhealthy diets and everything in between. But I learned, I grew and I moved forward and I continue to do so day by day.

While I was in “remission” I might call it – it was almost like being in an abusive relationship. You try to pretend everything is fine for the benefit of those around you, and after a while you live that live so long you actually believe it. But you stay in that relationship because it provides you with security – it’s something you already know. Only when you leave do you realize just how much it ruined you, how emotionally shattered and vulnerable you are. But only then do you have the chance to be really, truly happy.

I’m still picking up the peices to be honest. Although my body may be healthy, my mind isn’t there yet. I’m still learning to accept, adjust and love the new me. I’m still trying to find myself without the “skinny girl” identity.  It’s not easy, I still have days I break down and cry, days I want to run back to the old “me” again, even days I just don’t want to face the world. But do I regret recovery – never once.

Recovery is a bitch. Like ripping off a bandaid there is lots of pain and tears involved. There’s no use pretending it’s any other way. But only once that’s done can we truly begin to heal. And only then will we ever know what true happiness is.






  1. Beautiful Leelou. Your words are an inspiration. I say this often but this post hit home for me. Everything that you wrote is exactly what I have been going through; from feeling the most “in control” at university being pseudo-recovered, to having all the walls crash down last summer (2012). We have been so in synch with our recovery that I am so happy and so lucky to have you as a friend; to know exactly how I am feeling and to know that only through dedication and persistence, we can reach life without anorexia. I think that sometimes, the ÈIèm still trying to find myself without the “skinny girl” identityÈ is the hardest part.
    Hugs. Love you.

  2. I can totally relate! Recovery is definitely a lot of pain but once you experience that pain and come out the other side, you are so much stronger. I’ve had days where I come out of therapy and I’m a MESS and I have to go to class and meetings when the only thing I want to do is lie in bed and cry. I’ve been through the pseudo recovery as well where I am just ignoring Ed and pretending I’m doing well when really Ed is in the background influencing me without my realizing it.

    You are so right about real recovery not being when you are in control; it’s when you are not in control and you are ok with that. I’m still working on both of these things; everyday is a challenge but I know that it will be better someday for us if we just allow ourselves to experience the pain now.

    Random aside: I had this great idea a while ago that when I reach some sort of recovery landmark (not sure what it will be yet), I am going to get a tattoo that says “Liberated” or something like that. I think that would be a cool reward to look forward to.

  3. Oh lovely, you are so brave and so inspirational. I just know that you are going to go on and do fantastic things in your life because you are so motivated and strong! I truly hope that you continue to improve and to grow and move on from all of your struggles, I know I’ve said it before but you really do deserve a happy life! 🙂

    • Well it was a combination of two things – one was recognizing whether I was actually craving sweets or if I was just hungry. Even now I notice if I let myself get really hungry I will crave sweets like there’s no tomorrow (obviously my body knows that sweets= quick energy), what I try to do then is eat a decent meal/snack and then have something sweet afterwards if still want it. Another thing that has REALLY helped me is eating enough fat/protein. I can eat veggies till I pop and still feel unsatisfied , but if I consistently eat enough protein and fat I generally don’t crave sweets as much. And of course there’s also making room for indulgences more often then not, because what is life without a little chocolate;)

  4. You are such a strong person. And you will get through this. The fact that you can look back objectively shows how much you have acheived already.

    Control is the hardest thing to learn to live without. I totally agree. It takes time and trust of yourself. You are slowly relearning yourself and it will come to you, I know you are strong enough to get there. xx

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