A little vent

A feel like venting just a little.

Why the heck is finding balance so hard to come by? Why can’t food and exercise just be food and exercise anymore? Why is there so much complication in just living life.

Looking back on 2012 I see a lot of changes in my mentality regarding food. I started off the year eating 100% clean – loads of grains, beans, veggies. Slowly I relapsed and although I was still eating the same foods more or less – I was eating way too little of them. Then my digestive system practicaly gave out, so I was happy to get anything down – candy bars, ice-cream included. Beans and veggies were too hard on my GI tract – so my 7-8 a day dwindled down to 3-4 a day. This resulted me in having a much healthier attitude towards “junk food”, and althogh I still felt a bit guity at times, I realized that without food – any food- I was going to die.

I used to have time to put effort into food like this:

 

 

 

So in short I finaly did it- I let go of the control I have over my eating habits. And then the emotional eating started, the junk food cravings, the roller coaster of stomach issues from eating too much/not enough. Christmas was awesome  in that sense actually – I’m not sure if it was the combination of being away from home, being away from a stressful enviroment, being finnaly happy – but I struck a good balance. I indulged, but I enjoyed. I ate in a way that made me feel good, I wasn’t obsessing about food anymore, I was at peace with myself and food. Then I came home and the stress of exams threw everything out of whack again. And I’m still reeling to be honest.

I do so many things wrong – I eat quite a bit of junk, I eat too fast, I don’t put enough thought into what I’m putting in my body. Really, I just can’t be bothered anymore. I’m tired of caring! And yet….. my body cares. I’m currently perpetually fatigued, in pain and having bad skin. But I don’t want to obess about food the way I once did – I just want to be healthy – is that really so hard.

2013-01-21 18.06.16

random dinner – eggs, chickpea and cabbage stir fry with rice

 

Sigh… I know recovery is a roller coaster ride that takes years. But I’m kind of sick of this ride and would like to be back on my own two feet again and making my way forward in life. Some day…….

2013-01-22 07.51.33

I guess having tummy troubles has a few upsides – been doing a lot of smoothie loving recently. This is a green smoothie with soy milk, apple, protein powder, spinach and peanut butter .

How do you find the balance between healthy/obsessive?

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5 comments

  1. I think you just need more positive reinforcements. For me, it was my parents — they knew my obsessions and my fears and were basically like prison guards at the beginning of my recovery (sounds harsh, but they just REALLY monitored what I did/ate). Well, that was in the beginning. It’s now been 1.5 years and I look the best I have ever looked, go to the gym whenever I want (and no, I don’t spend hours there 6 days/week), and I eat what I want. How did I get to this point? Again, it’s the foundation — the beginning of recovery that really helped me realize what I kept doing wrong and how glorious life could be without these obsessions! The carefree attitude became addicting 🙂 And while I have highs and lows with my mood thinking, “Why did I eat that? Maybe I could lose a few pounds…” it’s not every day, and I never act on it, and I am happy.

    Judging from your last pictures from Christmas, you clearly are still very thin, so that is one reason why the obsession is still there — you’re under-nourished!!! You still need to take on recovery full-steam, gain more weight, and only THEN will you not be driven by odd obsessions.

  2. Hugs. I know exactly how you feel. Jess has some good ideas about having positive reinforcements, but (if your parents are anything like mine), they don’t truly understand or have time for that.
    I wish I had some advice, but I’m in the exact same pickle as you are. The only thing that I can think of is that our fears and “binges” are far less than we imagine them to be. We exaggerate their importance in our heads because that is what ed has taught us to do all these years, but they are truly insignificant in the grand scheme of life. ❤
    Hang in there girl.. You will make it victoriously. ❤

    • YES! We do exaggerate our fears and “binges” (and while I consider myself almost 100% recovered, I still end up having minor fits about what I just ate, how much I ate, how I look, etc. — which is why I include myself in the “we” part of this sentence 😉 But somehow, you have to accept that your body IS going to change if you start treating it better, and also recognizing that you SHOULD treat it better. Living a miserable life is not something you have to do — yes, you actually do have a choice, and no, it doesn’t mean you’re going to become a blubbery whale 😛

      Once you “give yourself permission” to gain the weight your body so desperately needs (and calls for through random cravings and mini-binges), you’ll hopefully start to think a little more clearly… and also just feel better. And that feeling is contagious. You’ll see the other side of life this way and slowly start going that way…. at least that’s how it was for me. Sounds like sunshine and roses, but it took about a year, though as I said earlier, gaining weight relatively quickly in the first few months I think was key in my own success because it basically restores your brain matter as well! So then, the little things… the binges…. they don’t become such a big deal anymore.

      Okay, I’m done rambling!!! 😀


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