A feel like venting just a little.
Why the heck is finding balance so hard to come by? Why can’t food and exercise just be food and exercise anymore? Why is there so much complication in just living life.
Looking back on 2012 I see a lot of changes in my mentality regarding food. I started off the year eating 100% clean – loads of grains, beans, veggies. Slowly I relapsed and although I was still eating the same foods more or less – I was eating way too little of them. Then my digestive system practicaly gave out, so I was happy to get anything down – candy bars, ice-cream included. Beans and veggies were too hard on my GI tract – so my 7-8 a day dwindled down to 3-4 a day. This resulted me in having a much healthier attitude towards “junk food”, and althogh I still felt a bit guity at times, I realized that without food – any food- I was going to die.
I used to have time to put effort into food like this:
So in short I finaly did it- I let go of the control I have over my eating habits. And then the emotional eating started, the junk food cravings, the roller coaster of stomach issues from eating too much/not enough. Christmas was awesome in that sense actually – I’m not sure if it was the combination of being away from home, being away from a stressful enviroment, being finnaly happy – but I struck a good balance. I indulged, but I enjoyed. I ate in a way that made me feel good, I wasn’t obsessing about food anymore, I was at peace with myself and food. Then I came home and the stress of exams threw everything out of whack again. And I’m still reeling to be honest.
I do so many things wrong – I eat quite a bit of junk, I eat too fast, I don’t put enough thought into what I’m putting in my body. Really, I just can’t be bothered anymore. I’m tired of caring! And yet….. my body cares. I’m currently perpetually fatigued, in pain and having bad skin. But I don’t want to obess about food the way I once did – I just want to be healthy – is that really so hard.
random dinner – eggs, chickpea and cabbage stir fry with rice
Sigh… I know recovery is a roller coaster ride that takes years. But I’m kind of sick of this ride and would like to be back on my own two feet again and making my way forward in life. Some day…….
I guess having tummy troubles has a few upsides – been doing a lot of smoothie loving recently. This is a green smoothie with soy milk, apple, protein powder, spinach and peanut butter .
How do you find the balance between healthy/obsessive?