In thinking about it today, I realized that I reached a cross road in my recovery.
Physically, I’m in a much better place then I was in the beggining of summer. I’ve put on a significant amount of weight, and that makes me happy (most of the time). I have more energy, I feel better most of the time. I have much fewer fear foods then I did, I am not such a health freak as I was before. I eat what I like, when I like. I eat less veggies and focus a bit more on other food groups.I haven’t done any seriouse cardio exercise in a LONG time and I don’t count calories or obsess about exchanges.
But I’m at a cross roads. I’m so close to full recovery, I can almost taste it. And I want it, I want to keep moving forward, but I lack the motivation. Not that I lack the motivation , but I need something to give me that extra push. It’s strange because a part of me wants me to start working out again, wants me to start obsessing about gaining JUST muscle and no fat. Of eating 100% clean and not allowing myself a bunch of things. I part of me wants so bad to grab onto that security blanket that my ED was. And then the other part just wants to fling myself into recovery full force. To eat what I want, when I want. To not think about food or calories, or how much weight I’m gaining, where I’m gaining. To just live.
The quiestion remains – why don’t I? Why don’t I embrace life? What don’t I throw myself into it full force and just let it take me where it wants to. The answer is – because I’m scared. I’m scared of life. I developed an ED to cope with the fact that my world felt shattered, the I was unhappy with my life and I felt trapped. And although a lot has changed since that time, not everything has.
I still am not really happy with my life. I have my studies, I have a job…. and yet I feel somehow empty. I lack the joy of life. It’s something that my ED + an abusive relationship took away from me, and I don’t know where to find it anymore. I know that happiness is all around us, we just have to go and find it. But where do I look? I haven’t known for a while – so I’ve resorted to watching the scale go down, to being perfect in every way possible to try to fill that empty void. When that failed I pushed myself past breaking point to try to forget the things that still haunt me. To forget that I never feel good enough, that I feel like I’m not loved, to feel so lost in my own life.
I’m afraid of letting go, because I don’t know if I’ll be strong enough on my own to cope with life. What if I never find who I’m supposed to be, and what I’m supposed to do? What if I never find anyone to love me? What if I never find happiness? How will I deal with that.
I know you never know until you try… but it’s so terrifing. Feels like I’m jumping off a cliff with no safety net. And I’m not sure if I’m brave enough to take that leap.
But what if?
What if it is worth it? What if letting go is the key to happiness? What if I find joy in my life again? What if this is the only way to move forward with my life and realize my dreams.
Taken about 2 years ago when we first moved here.
I think it’s pretty obviouse which girl looks better/happier. I’m just not sure how to get there again….
“Faith is jumping off a cliff and knowing that one of two things will happen – that the ground will rise up beneath you, or you will be taught how to fly.”
I need to make that jump….