Jumping off the cliff.

In thinking about it today, I realized that I reached a cross road in my recovery.

Physically, I’m in a much better place then I was in the beggining of summer. I’ve put on a significant amount of weight, and  that makes me happy (most of the time). I have more energy, I feel better most of the time. I have much fewer fear foods then I did, I am not such a health freak as I was before. I eat what I like, when I like. I eat less veggies and focus a bit more on other food groups.I haven’t done any seriouse cardio exercise in a LONG time and I don’t count calories or obsess about exchanges.

But I’m at a cross roads. I’m so close to full recovery, I can almost taste it.  And I want it, I want to keep moving forward, but I lack the motivation. Not that I lack the motivation , but I need something to give me that extra push. It’s strange because a part of me wants me to start working out again, wants me to start obsessing about gaining JUST muscle and no fat. Of eating 100% clean and not allowing myself a bunch of things. I part of me wants so bad to grab onto that security blanket that my ED was. And then the other part just wants to fling myself into recovery full force. To eat what I want, when I want.  To not think about food or calories, or how much weight I’m gaining, where I’m gaining. To just live.

The quiestion remains – why don’t I? Why don’t I embrace life? What don’t I throw myself into it full force and just let it take me where it wants to. The answer is – because I’m scared. I’m scared of life. I developed an ED to cope with the fact that my world felt shattered, the I was unhappy with my life and I felt trapped.  And although a lot has changed since that time, not everything has.

I still am not really happy with my life. I have my studies, I have a job…. and yet I feel somehow empty. I lack the joy of life. It’s something that my ED + an abusive relationship took away from me, and I don’t know where to find it anymore. I know that happiness is all around us, we just have to go and find it. But where do I look? I haven’t known for a while – so I’ve resorted to watching the scale go down, to being perfect in every way possible to try to fill that empty void. When that failed I pushed myself past breaking point to try to forget the things that still haunt me. To forget that I never feel good enough, that I feel like I’m not loved, to feel so lost in my own life.

I’m afraid of letting go, because I don’t know if I’ll be strong enough on my own to cope with life. What if I never find who I’m supposed to be, and what I’m supposed to do? What if I never find anyone to love me? What if I never find happiness? How will I deal with that.

I know you never know until you try… but it’s so terrifing. Feels like I’m jumping off a cliff with no safety net. And I’m not sure if I’m brave enough to take that leap.

But what if?

What if it is worth it? What if letting go is the key to happiness? What if I find joy in my life again? What if this is the only way to move forward with my life and realize my dreams.

P1030862This was taken a day after my release from the hospital (I had hit my target weight)

 

 

Taken about 2 years ago when we first moved here.

I think it’s pretty obviouse which girl looks better/happier. I’m just not sure how to get there again….

“Faith is jumping off a cliff and knowing that one of two things will happen – that the ground will rise up beneath you, or you will be taught how to fly.”

I need to make that jump….

Advertisements

3 comments

  1. Dearest Liz,
    I completely understand everything you’ve said nd explained above. Recovery IS scary,no doubt,especially at the beginning and in the end – at first,it seems almost impossible to start recovering,and then,when you’re almost there,it seems impossible to take the final step and truly break free.
    I am pretty much at the same point as you are – even if I am not weight-restored yet,my relationship with food and eating in general has changed a lot,and yes,I want it all to end: The endless fear of eating “bad”,”unhealthy” things,the obsessive thoughts,the stress and anxiety just because I can’t have a certain food at a certain time. But what will be öeft for me as a coping technique afterwards? What shall I do when I feel bad again instead of purging or starving?
    Truth is,I don’t know. I don’t know what to do instead. But I DO know that almost everything would be better for me actually.
    You know,you’re a wonderful person and deserve freedom,happiness; all the best of this world. You’re precious,and you’re needed.
    Take a risk. Make a change.
    You’re worth it.

  2. OH my gosh i can sympathize with you on this so much lovely…. the feeling of ED ttaking away happiness and your life feeling shattered and being scared of life. It is so hard … trust me I know 😦 But what i’m learning is just think of the humor in all this, it really helps. I mean, we only have one life, and if we have a terrible day and everything goes awful without the security blanket of our ED, we could possibly look at it as kind of funny, you know? But most likely once we push ourselves past our ED we will find true happiness- but it isn’t that simple. you still have to struggle and go through life coping w those emotions even without the ED, I think you just have to accept that and substitute the ED for God or whatever or something like that, you know? i think that would be a better security blanket 🙂 and you are so right… really the only way to move forward is KICK ED in the butt and move on with your life- even though it can be painful- but at least you have a chance. ED takes all your chances away

    Lots of love girl!!

  3. “I’m afraid of letting go, because I don’t know if I’ll be strong enough on my own to cope with life.” —–> This sentence perfectly sums up how I am feeling at the moment as well. I think that many with ED’s have this fear, and that’s why it is so hard to let go. But LIz, if anyone is strong enough, it is you. Look at how far you’ve come, how hard you’ve battled. You are STRONG, and I have no doubt that you will find joy in your life once again. It is a process, and a long one at that. But you will get there, and it will be the most beautiful and amazing feeling when you do. But if you don’t take that jump, that leap of faith, you will never know. So what have you got to lose?


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s