I’m ok.

Ok, before I say anything else.

Thank you all so so so much for commenting on my last post. It’s an issue that I’ve struggled with for a while now and that I was really ashamed of, so to hear that most of you have gone through the same thing was like a massive weight being lifted off my shoulders. All of a sudden I realized I wasn’t a “freak” and the heck – if others have been through this and come out ok, so can I.

 

I’ve read each one of your comments and taken them all to heart. Each comment brought out a different aspect of the situation I’m in, and each word of advice was helpful. I’ve spent a few nights reevalating my eating habits, my recovery efforts etc. and I’ve come to some realizations.

 

1. I tend to use food as a coping mechanism – no doubt about that. It’s not that this in itself is such a bad things – it’s just that it doesn’t work for me. So I overdo it and crash and burn at the end. One day when I was feeling stressed and munchie I decided to do yoga instead and afterwards had a proper snack. All binge urges went away and I realized how much of a mind game this all is.

 

2. I don’t eat enough. Plain and simple. Sure, I’ve gained over the last few months – but I have more to go. And often I don’t have time to eat, or skip eating for convenience sake, or don’t eat enough proper food. So binging is a biological response for me under eating and my body screaming “Please feed me!!!”

 

3.ย  Binging will happen during recovery. Apparently, according to some research I’ve done – it’s normal and happens to most people who have been severely underfed and are underweights. It’s your bodies way ofย  making sure you get enough fuel ahead of time, it’s due to messed up hormones (leptin) and lots of other causes. So extreme hunger is just part of the game when it comes to recovery.

 

So knowing all this now, what am I going to do about it?

Although I know binges aren’t all together bad and my body probably needs the extra fuel – it messes up my stomach so I can’t eat properly for the next day or so. So it’s kind of a 3 steps forward, one step back type of thing. While I’m willing to deal with it once in a while as a normal step of recovery, I’d rather it be a rarer then not occurrence. Right now I’ve upped my protein which is helping as well as PB intake. I’m focusing on eating proper breakfasts in the morning (one of the few times I’m at home for my meals) and generally trying to keep the right balance of all food groups. When I feel a binge is emotional rather than physical I’m trying to go out of the house and find other ways to de-stress other than food.

 

But the truth of the matter is – I need to increase my food intake. And I’m scared. Recently I never eat till I’m full, because I don’t know where full is – and I have a hard time differentiating between real hunger and psychological hunger. But I know I could do more, I should push harder. I also know a part of me is afraid of letting go completely.

 

Afraid I’ll never stop, afraid this will go on forever, afraid my body will freak out and I’ll be in horrible pain or that my eating patterns will never normalize. Afraid that one ED will merge into the next.ย  Just plain afraid of the unknown.

 

But recovery means stepping into the unknown. It means giving up control – no matter what the cost. It means being willing to sacrifice for health, it means giving it a priority in your life. It means pushing forward.

But am I brave enough? Am I strong enough? Can I handle it?

 

Time will tell

 

I’m also wondering if I should reach out to my parents about this? I want to tell someone so they can help to safeguard me in a fine line between binging/eating what I need, but I don’t want to freak them out. They have their own problems to deal with and pretty serious ones at that, so I feel they might not be able to handle it. But who do I reach out to?

 

Anyhow, sorry for the rambling. Thank you all for being here. I’m so thankful to have a support system like this in my life. Take care and enjoy the weekend!

 

 

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8 comments

  1. You are strong enough! I know you are. It’s so great that you are recognizing the fact that you aren’t eating enough. That’s the first step toward change. I think you should tell your parents. It doesn’t matter how big or small you think your problems are in comparison to other people’s concerns. If it’s big in your head, then it’s big and that’s all that matters. Don’t minimize your struggles. Do you have any friends you could reach out to? And remember, you always have support on here. ๐Ÿ™‚
    Yes, it is scary and will be uncomfortable but it’s ok. Part of recovery is feeling uncomfortable and if you can get through it, you’ll be one step closer to your goals. If you can accept that you feel scared and it’s hard, it won’t be so bad. You are NOT alone.

  2. i can totally relate to this post 100 percent… I started the recovery process recently (FOR REAL) this time and yes i will tell you its freaking HARD.
    BUT its a choice of life or death…. you can’t have life when you are listening to your ED and killing yourself. You need to give the control to your body for now and give it what it needs for nourishment and repair even though it isn’t comfortable. but think of it like this….. you will be way better off if you do it now than ten years from now. (just imagine it that way) you are doing your SELF a favor and getting healthy and beating these thoughts so you can live your life!

    and yes, telling your parents would be a good idea. you need support through this time even a therapist would be good (not sure if your going to one or not) on how to increase your calories slowly because if you randomly start eating more it could confuse your body (refeeding syndrome is NOT good), and you need lots of TLC. an eating disorder is a disease, not something to be ashamed of, but it can change us for the better and make us stronger if we let it
    โค
    wishing you luck andd lots of strength ๐Ÿ™‚

    xoxo

    • and trust me i know how it feels. our bodies can go into some awkward stages while trying to heal from this disorder! all those years i’ve restricted i reallly reallly wish i never did, because thats what caused the issues to start with. just remember its never the answer<3

  3. I know you know this and I know it’s really difficult in recovery but the last thing you should be doing is even giving yourself the excuse of being too busy to eat. Food comes first. Believe me, I’ve done a degree and I know it’s manic sometimes but you need to make time for food. You will fit everything in.

    You can do this. It’s tough sometimes but it will regulate. You won’t be struggling with this forever and it’s so worth battling it out to get to a place where your body trusts you a bit more! Stay strong dear! x

  4. I am so proud of you,Liz.
    For admitting your mistakes.
    For being honest towards yourself and your readers.
    For having the strength to write all this down and sharing your struggles.
    And most of all,for not giving up.
    You’re an inspiration. Keep going. You will make it. โค

  5. I’m sorry for disappearing so long, I’ve really missed reading all of your updates and hearing how you’ve been doing! I think you are so brave to open up and write about your issues with binging. I understand what you’re going through as I’ve had similar issues in the past, when my energy levels hit rock bottom in my first term at uni last year I would eat heaps of sugary foods in order to give myself a (false) hit of energy. I think you are amazing for deciding to deal with this and push forwards ๐Ÿ™‚ If you feel comfortable doing so then I think you should tell your parents, I’m sure their support will help you. Keep going lovely, you’re doing so well!

  6. Gwyneth Olwyn has a whole forum and posting on why “binging during recovery is not bingging at all”. Look it up.
    On your other posts: I relate to the yogurt thing…I should not eat it..but i do…and its one of the MANY things I “binge” on late at night (yep…every night “bingign”…but I’m slightly underweight …don’t exercise. The havoc on my digestive system and guts concerns me but I am in such a rut.

    WOuld love to know what your job and studying is. I’m older than you but quite lost in life and neededing some advice ๐Ÿ™‚ Email me if you dont’ mind listeningn briefly. Thanks ๐Ÿ™‚

    Take care.


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