Ok, before I say anything else.
Thank you all so so so much for commenting on my last post. It’s an issue that I’ve struggled with for a while now and that I was really ashamed of, so to hear that most of you have gone through the same thing was like a massive weight being lifted off my shoulders. All of a sudden I realized I wasn’t a “freak” and the heck – if others have been through this and come out ok, so can I.
I’ve read each one of your comments and taken them all to heart. Each comment brought out a different aspect of the situation I’m in, and each word of advice was helpful. I’ve spent a few nights reevalating my eating habits, my recovery efforts etc. and I’ve come to some realizations.
1. I tend to use food as a coping mechanism – no doubt about that. It’s not that this in itself is such a bad things – it’s just that it doesn’t work for me. So I overdo it and crash and burn at the end. One day when I was feeling stressed and munchie I decided to do yoga instead and afterwards had a proper snack. All binge urges went away and I realized how much of a mind game this all is.
2. I don’t eat enough. Plain and simple. Sure, I’ve gained over the last few months – but I have more to go. And often I don’t have time to eat, or skip eating for convenience sake, or don’t eat enough proper food. So binging is a biological response for me under eating and my body screaming “Please feed me!!!”
3. Binging will happen during recovery. Apparently, according to some research I’ve done – it’s normal and happens to most people who have been severely underfed and are underweights. It’s your bodies way of making sure you get enough fuel ahead of time, it’s due to messed up hormones (leptin) and lots of other causes. So extreme hunger is just part of the game when it comes to recovery.
So knowing all this now, what am I going to do about it?
Although I know binges aren’t all together bad and my body probably needs the extra fuel – it messes up my stomach so I can’t eat properly for the next day or so. So it’s kind of a 3 steps forward, one step back type of thing. While I’m willing to deal with it once in a while as a normal step of recovery, I’d rather it be a rarer then not occurrence. Right now I’ve upped my protein which is helping as well as PB intake. I’m focusing on eating proper breakfasts in the morning (one of the few times I’m at home for my meals) and generally trying to keep the right balance of all food groups. When I feel a binge is emotional rather than physical I’m trying to go out of the house and find other ways to de-stress other than food.
But the truth of the matter is – I need to increase my food intake. And I’m scared. Recently I never eat till I’m full, because I don’t know where full is – and I have a hard time differentiating between real hunger and psychological hunger. But I know I could do more, I should push harder. I also know a part of me is afraid of letting go completely.
Afraid I’ll never stop, afraid this will go on forever, afraid my body will freak out and I’ll be in horrible pain or that my eating patterns will never normalize. Afraid that one ED will merge into the next. Just plain afraid of the unknown.
But recovery means stepping into the unknown. It means giving up control – no matter what the cost. It means being willing to sacrifice for health, it means giving it a priority in your life. It means pushing forward.
But am I brave enough? Am I strong enough? Can I handle it?
Time will tell
I’m also wondering if I should reach out to my parents about this? I want to tell someone so they can help to safeguard me in a fine line between binging/eating what I need, but I don’t want to freak them out. They have their own problems to deal with and pretty serious ones at that, so I feel they might not be able to handle it. But who do I reach out to?
Anyhow, sorry for the rambling. Thank you all for being here. I’m so thankful to have a support system like this in my life. Take care and enjoy the weekend!