Did you ever realize how easy it is to give advice to people, but when the same situation hits you how hard it is to take said advice?
I’ll be the first to admit, I’m great at giving advice. Don’t give up, push though, things will get better and remember I’m here for you – these are things I often find myself telling my friends when they hit a rough spot. But when I’m struggling these words sound so empty. I just wish the comforting words I told others would ring true for me at that moment.
Why am I saying all this? Because I find myself now facing a problem I never thought I would. When my friends have faced this, I’m usually full of good advice. It’s easy for me to tell them to breath, that it’s not the end of the world, that things will get better in time. But now that I’m getting a taste of my own medicine – things aren’t nearly as black and white.
Since I’ve probably spiked your curiousity by now, I might as well get out there and say it – I’ve been struggling with binge eating A LOT recently. It’s gone from once , to twice, to three times a week. Now it’s more like 5or 6 times. And these are the times I actually “give in”. Every day that I’m home alone is a constant mental struggle to keep myself away from the fridge, away from the chocolate in my cupboard, to focus on my hunger cues and not let food control me. But recently it feels like a losing battle.
I’m not restricting, I’m eating more healthy fats then I ever have, I’m allowing myself all the sweets I want. But there comes a point when you realize it’s not hunger- it’s a craving. No amount of fruit, banan’s, peanut butter, or other “real food” will satisfy my desire to eat cream cheese by the spoonfull. And I’m full, I honestly am and yet I find myself standing in front of the fridge mentally screaming at myself “stop, stop, STOP!!!!” but I can’t seem to.
My stomach issues are better overall, but after a binge session I’m back to square one. I’m lactose intolerant – yet I binge on milk products. At least I’m managing to keep away from the gluten for the most part -although that happens from time to time. The worst thing is a binge doesn’t end with a binge. It starts an unhealthy eating pattern that continues all day. So I’m either sick from binging, or in the process of binging, or trying to distract myself from binging. And the whole day goes down the drain that way….
I keep telling myself I don’t have time for this. The mornings are my study hours, after that is work. But 50% of the morning is wasted away fighting these urges. Currently aside from eating more I’m drinking 5-6 coffees a day and chewing gum like it’s my job just to keep away from the fridge. This pattern is destroying my health, wasting my time and absolutely shattering my self esteem. But how do I get out?
Right now I’m typing this as a desperate attempt not to raid the whipped cream in the fridge or the chocolate in my cupboard. I already had a massive peice of birthday cake as “dessert” after lunch, chocolate at breakfast and more cake at snack. And I’m so tired of this constant mental battle. I used to think I have recovery so “together” – turns out I don’t. I tried telling my mom today, but I feel so ashaimed. I just broke down and cried, because I feel like she’ll never understand.
I’m scared, because for the first time I have no idea what to do about this problem. I’ve been reading up on it – and some people tell you to cut out sugar all together, other sources tell you to eat intuitvely. And all I know how to do is restict – but eating normally, I don’t remember how to do that anymore.
I want to keep gaining weight and moving forward in my recovery, but binge eating and healthy don’t fit into the same category for me. I don’t want to restrict, the line has to be drawn somewhere.
Anyhow, just thought I’d get that out there. I appreciate this community and the fact that you are all very non-judgmental. But if any of you have any advice to offer – it would be very much appreciated. Hope you all have a good day!
Edited : In my research I came across some very interesting articles (if you have time to read them I’d also be very interested in hearing your thoughts on the matter):