Too much living left to do

Happy 1st of November

Today is all saints day where I live which means -free day. Today I was the epitome of lazy – I didn’t study, I didn’t clean, I didn’t work. I visited a cemetary (to light candles where my grandmother is burried – a catholic tradition), I took a nap, I baked and cooked dinner for my family, I did yoga. For the first time in a long time I really relaxed and it felt good.

Maybe the reason it felt so good is because (as you all well know from my previous posts) I have been having a hard time recently. Heck – yeasterday was a really rough day for me. You see, right now I’m in the funny stage in re-feeding where I end up binging from time to time. And although I know it’s not the end of the world because I need to gain weight, the emotional and physical reprecussions are not easy to deal with.

But I had a mini epiphany last night when I was searching the web for others who have experienced simular things. For one, I found a lot of people go through the same thing. Teaching your body to eat again isn’t an easy process and there is no “one size fits all” solution. It takes trial and error, it’s a tough process and there are ups and downs along the way. But I also came across a few sites (you can check them out here and here) that were really an eye opener for me and made me rethink the way I was approaching my diet. You see, for so long I’ve been so focused on my stomach issues that I have actually become a little obsessed with finding the “perfect diet”. Not perfect in the sense of eating clean and healthy 100% of the time – which is something I definitely don’t do – but of almost restricting in fear of the pain I will inflict on my body. I actually have a mild phobia of food – because every time I eat I don’t know how my body is going to react. So I cut back, I cut down, I don’t eat all my food groups and then my body pays me back by binging just to say “Please just feed me something! Anything! I need fuel!”

So I realized – heck if I’m going to be in pain anyway- might as well make sure it’s something that is doing my body some good. What’s the use of trying to eat “right” all the time, if by the end of the day I end up binging and in more pain then if I had eaten normally in the first place.  Sure there are things I know trigger stomach flares (gluten and dairy) so I will try to avoid those. But that doesn’t mean I should cut down on whole food groups (carbs) because someone tells me eating “paleo” will cure me of all my stomach ails.

Carby breakfasts are sometimes the way to go! Yogurt and peaches over cereal.

Honestly, I just have way too much living left to do to be obsessing about food all the time. There was a time I just focued on eating as much as possible in order for my body to have the strength it needs – and I wasn’t so worried about eating too much of this or too little of that. And I think things were better that way.

Life is too short to stay caught up in an eating disorder. Life is too short to focus on things that don’t really matter (perfect diet, exercise etc). Life is meant to be enjoyed, to be lived. So if that means I eat “bad food” more often then not and don’t listen to the lastest diet advice – so be it. I’m willing to trade all the control I have over food in order to acheive my goals in life. And if that’s what it takes – so be it.

Wow, this is a really random, wordy post. I guess I’m just so sick of being so preoccupied with all this eating jazz that I’m forgetting to live my life the way I want to.

Anyhow, since it’s the beggining of a new month I want to set some goals for myself to get me back on track:

1. Focus on enjoying my food and not eating what I think is “good ” for my body. Right now I have a load of leftover roasted pumpkin in the fridge that is just begging to be eaten within the next – oh lets give it tope 2 day (I’m slightly addicted)

2. No more fad, low-carb diets for me. Just because something works for someone else and is popular doesn’t mean it’s right for me.  There are plenty non- gluten sources of carbs that I can go to, and although it may take a bit more work and planning – it’s doable.

3.Keep taking time for me. This month is going to be super busy with exams and whatnot – but I am still going to keep fighting to find time for myself.  Right now I’m doing 20 minutes of yoga in the evening and it’s doing wonders for the stress levels.

4. Stop trying to be perfect with everything. It’s ok if things don’t always work out as I planned, if my schedule gets out of whack and I don’t accomplish all I want to. Life is not just about accomplishments – it’s about enjoying the journey as well.

5. Take better care of myself – take rest when I need it. Acknowlage times I need to take a break/eat/rest.  My body has taken a heck of a lot of abuse – time to own up to that fact and accept it. Maybe I can’t push myself as hard other people, maybe I need to take a break to eat, or rest etc. But if I don’t take care of myself now, I definitely won’t be able to accomplish all that I want to later.

6. Try to slow down and enjoy my food. Right now me and food have a love/hate relationship. I enjoy eating, but I’m so axious about the aftereffects that I usually just cram everything down as quickly as possible, and then feel sick afterwards – thus reinforcing the cycle of fear. Time to slow down, try to enjoy and worry about whatever else comes when it comes

Alright, happy November everyone! Hope you all get to eat lots of pumpkin during this grand season. I know I will 😉


I leave you with a picture of my first ever pumpkin pie 🙂 It was bloody hard to make (I made everything – from the pumpkin puree to the pie crust from scratch), but I’m pretty proud of how it turned out 🙂




  1. Firstly, thank you so much for posting those two articles. I loved the one about Leptin and our brain neurotransmitters. (Briefly skimmed it, because I have little time right now, but will definitely comb it through thoroughly later!) Yes, I agree. Our bodies and ed minds can not recover with all these rules about the “perfect diet”. I keep telling myself that I want to gain weight “healthily” because I’m so freaking scared of fats etc. But that is just anorexia talking still. We have to gain weight. Period. That is all. That is our main goal. We want to be healthy because we are human beings whose purpose is to pro-create and provide life for future generations. Without health, without our periods, without any of our bodily functions working properly, we can not fulfill our purpose here. We are being selfish in that respect! (I just came to that realization this morning, when I was feeling “guilty” for eating a bar of chocolate for breakfast instead of my usual oatmeal bowl).
    Haha. I have a container of roasted pumpkin still in the fridge and have eaten 3/4 of the entire thing. 😀 LOVE IT. It’s sooo good with melted cheese (or in our case fake cheese), mustard and tomato sauce. Yes. We both have to slow down with life and eating! Especially chewing. Otherwise, nothing will get digested properly!!
    Pumpkin pie looks delicious. Am super jealous.
    So proud of you, Leelou, for being such a fighter. For choosing life. For enjoying life.
    Love you xoxo

  2. Yay, I really like your goals! I struggle with the “perfect diet” one a lot.
    PS, your pumpkin pie looks awesome!! I need to buy a pumpkin….

  3. Your goals are all awesome,Liz,and I wish you all the luck and strength of the world so you can accomplish every single one this month! 🙂
    I also have these thoughts on eating a “perfect” diet,living a “perfect” lifestyle etc… But honestly,I will NEVER be satisfied with myself,no matter what I do. I need to learn to live with the fact that I am not supposed to be perfect; god didn’t want me to be perrfect – at least not in the way I would like to. I AM perfect though; perfect in the eyes of god,and that is what I want to remember all the time.

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