Sorry to leave you guys hanging on such a down post…
Not gonna lie to myself or anyone else – last few days have been crazy hard. All of a sudden I have depression, anxiety, ED thoughts and self-hatred all flooding back in. My first thought was “What?!?!” I haven’t felt most of these things in a long time, and to be hit by all of them at the same time really knocked me for a loop. But even though I’m still reeling a bit from all this, I’ve taken a while to stop and reevaluate why I’m here and how I got here in the first place:
1. I’m exhausted – physically more then anything else. I used to get up to 8 hours of sleep a night, now I barely get 6. Yes, some people can live off that – I can’t. Couple that with no free days and a workaholic mentality – and you’ve got yourself the perfect combination for a nervous break down.
2. I have more going on in my life right now then I ever had before. I have new job opportunites opening up, I’m feeling a little overwhelmed by some of my subjects this year (thinking of you bio-chem) and I think subconciously I’m freaking out a little. So I’m frantically searching for any coping mechanisms to make this easier.
3. I’m not taking care of myself – in all aspects of my life. My added work load makes me feel like anything I do for myself is such a waste. So I cram down all my meals in 5 minutes flat because anything longer is a “waste of time”. I also hardly ever cook myself anything – because I figure that since I can’t enjoy it anyway – what’s the point? This is probably leading to nutritional defitiencies that are a) affecting my mood, b) making my eating habits go hay wire (evening “binges” and eating loads of junk food).
4. My stomach issues are frustrating me. Honestly most time the pain is so debilitating I can’t do anything. And it’s frustrating me because I have such a long to-do list- but I can’t seem to accomplish most of what I want to because of this 😦
But I’ve decided it’s time to make a change. I opened up to my parents the other day and told them point blank that I was really struggling. It was a difficult conversation, but I know it’s important for me to get the support of the people in my life. I’m also proactively going to try to change my eating habits and spend more time taking care of myself to combat the stress and feeling overwhelmed. I’ve also realized that there is no way I other’s can love me if I can’t even love myself. So even if I feel it’s a “waste of time” I’m going to devote at least 30 minutes of my day as “me time”. During this time I will do yoga, my nails, take an extra long shower – whatever I need to make me feel special and beautiful again. Because I deserve it!
Today already got started on the right foot – a warm bowl of oatmeal with nuts. I know today is going to be a good day 🙂
Thank you so much for commenting on my last post. Your encouragment helped me keep going on days I didn’t feel like I had it in me anymore.