Lost..

Who am I?

What makes me happy?

What is the sense in my life?

I give and give and give – but  I just feel so empty. I go through the motions of everyday life – eat, study, eat, cook dinner for my family (which I’m never at home to eat), clean the house,  eat, go to work, come home – study or work.  I try to do things I enjoy – a moment to watch a TV series in the evening, baking a cake for my mom’s birthday, a morning at the farmers market. But it all feels so empty, and only brings more stress because I’m not doing what I should be….. (i.e working or studying).

And I sit here typing this – starving hungry and yet unwanting/unwilling to eat. Maybe I can cram down a smoothie. First time in a long time I’ve felt like this – wanting to kill my unhappiness by not eating. I know this doesn’t work – but I want to desperately for these overwhelming feelings that are crushing me to go away. I need to focus, I need strength, I need a reason to keep on going. But right now – nothing makes sense anymore……

 

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4 comments

  1. You are a beautiful, unique, Leelou. You are a sister, a daughter, a friend, a survivor, a fighter, a warrior, a student, an employee, a stranger with a smile to those who do not know you. You are a person with the extraordinary gift of expressing your thoughts eloquently through words. You have a heart three times bigger than you are and with room to keep giving to others. You have the ability to give to yourself and you deserve to keep some of that love for yourself. You are a fighter. Do not forget that. Anorexia has nothing over you. NOTHING. He is there to bring you down, but you are stronger than that. You are more resilient. You can defeat his lies, deafen his eyes. Ignore his voice. You are Leelou. You are a beautiful, beautiful soul, person, friend.
    I am so lucky to call you my friend, dearest. Please do not forget that you are deserving of everything good in this world. Please.
    Long hugs. Love you.
    xoxo andrea

  2. You are not alone! Every one of us has felt like this at some point. Recovery (and life) is a roller coaster but after every minimum there will be another maximum.

    Remember that your feelings will pass. You are not your feelings; you are so much more.

    Recall the last time you felt amazing. What were you doing? How did it feel? Recreate the scenario in your mind. Do you think you could feel this way again? Do you accept that you don’t feel good right now but that you will in the future?

    You are the most important person you need to give to. I think you know that you can’t keep giving unless you give to yourself. You should not be #100 on your top 100 list of things to do. Put yourself first. You have so much worth.

  3. Leelu,breathe.
    Remember you’re not alone. Remember where you’ve come from. Remember what you’ve been through. Remember how far you’ve come.
    You’re strong. You’ve proved that numerous times already; you’re proving it NOW because you’re writing this instead of giving yourself up. You’re asking for help,and that is so important.
    You can and will get through this,my dear. Recovery and life,both is a roller coaster; that is normal.
    We’re always gonna be there for you,girl. Don’t give up.
    Fight.

  4. You’re worth so much more than this. Know that if nothing else. Don’t let this consume you again. Don’t give it the power to dictate. YOU own your body not ED. Take care and you can do this.


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