(Warning, somewhat whiny post ahead… had a little bit of a rough day and feel the need to vent it on blog world).
How come the things I crave most are worst for my body?
How do normal people find time to eat 3 square meals a day?
How come that when I want to eat normally for the first time – I can’t?
How come I feel so guilty taking time for myself?
How does someone who eats a moderate amount of sweets and brushes her teeth on a regular basis end up with caveties?
And how did someone who used to love cooking and baking end up terrified/loathing food.
Today was an ARRRRRGH kind of day. The morning started off with family members yelling at each other in the hall while I was eating breakfast – a good way to start off any morning – not! Then there was the stressfull phone call to my university about a course mix up and the dentist apointment. That one REALLY ruined my day. I haven’t been to a denstist in more then several years (I have a slight phobia), but I had a slight toothache about a week ago so I decided to go. And what did they find. Caveties! What?!?
Ok, logically I know it’s probably caused primarily from the dietary defitiencies I’ve had over the years, or the binge-purge episodes I had way back when. But it was still a shock to be hit in the face with that. And the dentist started lecturing me on the importance of having a low-sugar diet and proper dental hygene. Of course, that made me feel 100% more guilty about the extra sweet indulgences I have been enjoying lately, and makes me want to completely cut sugar out of my diet (which sucks because I’ve been kind of enjoying it up till now).
And then my day sort of spiralled downward from there. I just am so sick and tired of all these restrictions. I can’t eat gluten – because it mucks my stomach up. I can’t drink milk or eat milk products – same story + rashes and hives. And now sugar too ? Seriously – what CAN I eat. Oh and add in the fact that 9/10 I don’t have longer then 10 minutes to prepare and eat my food adds a whole new level to the struggle of finding balance.
I’m so sick and tired of trying to tip-toe around my stomach issues that no one can figure out. I just want to sit down, eat and be done with it. I don’t want to have to waste time pre-planning my meals only to have it all come crumbling down when a craving hits. I would also like to find some time in the day when I can cook and prepare my eals without it bothering someone or being a waste of time.
And I would also like to feel full without being in excrutiating pain afterwards. Me being perpetually hungry is probably one of two things : 1 – my appetite is finally kicking back in, or 2 – my diet is in some way defitient and it’s up to me to figure out how. But I don’t want to! I don’t want to have to keep thinking about all this. I want to focus on other thing in life – other then health issues.
Oh, and I wish I didn’t feel guilty doing things for me – like writing this post. Everything I do for myself now feels like such a waste of time. I guess now that I’m working, I feel like every free moment should be devoted to studying. But some days I just want to take a break without feeling guilty – you know. The problem here is I don’t know how.
Ok, sorry for the randy, whiny post. Needed to get that out of my system. Next time will be happier and more up-beat, I promise 🙂