A few quiestions

(Warning, somewhat whiny post ahead… had a little bit of a rough day and feel the need to vent it on blog world).

How come the things I crave most are worst for my body?

How do normal people find time to eat 3 square meals a day?

How come that when I want to eat normally for the first time – I can’t?

How come I feel so guilty taking time for myself?

How does someone who eats a moderate amount of sweets and brushes her teeth on a regular basis end up with caveties?

And how did someone who used to love cooking and baking end up terrified/loathing food.

Today was an ARRRRRGH kind of day. The morning started off with family members  yelling at each other in the hall while I was eating breakfast – a good way to start off any morning – not! Then there was the stressfull phone call to my university about a course mix up and the dentist apointment. That one REALLY ruined my day. I haven’t been to a denstist in more then several years (I have a slight phobia), but I had a slight toothache about a week ago so I decided to go. And what did they find. Caveties! What?!?

Ok, logically I know it’s probably caused primarily from the dietary defitiencies I’ve had over the years, or the binge-purge episodes I had way back when. But it was still a shock to be hit in the face with that.  And the dentist started lecturing me on the importance of having a low-sugar diet and proper dental hygene. Of course, that made me feel 100% more guilty about the extra sweet indulgences I have been enjoying lately, and makes me want to completely cut sugar out of my diet (which sucks because I’ve been kind of enjoying it up till now).

And then my day sort of spiralled downward from there. I just am so sick and tired of all these restrictions. I can’t eat gluten – because it mucks my stomach up. I can’t drink milk or eat milk products – same story + rashes and hives. And now sugar too ? Seriously – what CAN I eat. Oh and add in the fact that 9/10 I don’t have longer then 10 minutes to prepare and eat my food adds a whole new level to the struggle of finding balance.

I’m so sick and tired of trying to tip-toe around my stomach issues that no one can figure out. I just want to sit down, eat and be done with it. I don’t want to have to waste time pre-planning my meals only to have it all come crumbling down when a craving hits. I would also like to find some time in the day when I can cook and prepare my eals without it bothering someone or being a waste of time.

And I would also like to feel full without being in excrutiating pain afterwards. Me being perpetually hungry is probably one of two things : 1 – my appetite is finally kicking back in, or 2 – my diet is in some way defitient and it’s up to me to figure out how. But I don’t want to! I don’t want to have to keep thinking about all this.  I want to focus on other thing in life  – other then health issues.

Oh, and I wish I didn’t feel guilty doing things for me – like writing this post.  Everything I do for myself now feels like such a waste of time. I guess now that I’m working, I feel like every free moment should be devoted to studying. But some days I just want to take a break without feeling guilty – you know. The problem here is I don’t know how.

 

Ok, sorry for the randy, whiny post. Needed to get that out of my system. Next time will be happier and more up-beat, I promise 🙂

 

 

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6 comments

  1. I know I’ve mentioned it before, but part of introducing more food into your diet after restrictive eating includes discomfort and pain from larger volumes of food. I’m glad that it sounds like you’re continuing to eat more regardless, but I just want you to know that it’s to be expected. Also, just because most people consume 3 meals per day doesn’t mean you have to do the same and it doesn’t mean that those people are happy doing it either! Find what works best for you. Does your campus have a dietitian you could see to get some help with finding foods that don’t cause so much discomfort?

    I also can relate to the whole “WTF CAVITIES!?” thing. I never drink soda or juice and I brush and floss daily and have been doing so for a few years now. Yet, 3 or 4 years ago they found the start of another cavity. I was pretty pissed – I think there’s some kind of scheme dentists take part in to create cavities to keep the cash flow coming. >:[

  2. Oh hunny, I wish I had the answers to all your questions, but unfortunately, I am going through the exact same questions, up to the cavity problem!! P.S. My advice is to definitely not cut out sweets! Just make sure to floss after each meal!
    Hugs. Digestive problems are such a pain in the behind, are they not? Sometimes you just have to bear through it and hope that with time and less-stress, your body will slowly behave itself. And once you are weight-restored and the digestive issues still continue, then there is another problem. But right now, I think that it is your body’s way of still re-adapting itself to more foods.
    Huge hugs. The guilt thing, I can relate. I feel as if when I am not studying, I should be and should not enjoy any breaks.
    P.S. Never ever apologize for whining. Because a) you’re not whining, and b) if you were, we still love you and love your words. 😛

  3. Lovely Liz,
    first of all,I’m so sorry you’re struggling that much recently. I know how it is to feel frustrated with one’s life and situation completely,and sometimes,everything feels pointless,doesn’t it? However,don’t give up! It will get better again,I promise you this. And never forget,we’re in this together,alright? I am always there for you,if you want to talk,feel free to write me an email or anything,really. That’s what friends are for. ♥
    Onto your cavity-issues,seriously,don’t worry it could be because of the sugar you’re eating. There are so many more triggers for cavity,I’ve learned that at nursing school recently – above all,a generally weak body/ immune system,which I think is not improbable in your case?
    Also,my mom and other people generally definitely eat MORE sugar than you and I do,and not all of them have problems with cavity,right?
    Regarding your digestive issues,well,you know that I can relate to this 100% and it IS frustrating,no doubt! But you know,even if I couldn’t believe it at first,I experience myself that it DOES get better with time IF you continue to eat – regularly.
    I’m sorry I can’t be more helpful,but all I want is you to know that youÄre not alone in this. I am behind you,and I am not the only one.


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