Not sure what I should write about today. Maybe I’ll just be honest and tell you all what’s going on for once…
Warning : The truth isn’t exactly positive: flowers, butterflies and sunshine and all that. But it’s what’s going on so you guys deserve to know.
I’ve been sick most of the week with nasty IBS attacks. Yes, I know you are sick and tired of hearing about them. You see most people think – “Oh IBS – you fart a little, you run to the bathroom a few times and you’re fine”. Yeah, if only. The truth of the matter is that in my case it’s pain,bloating, gas, nausea and in a really bad attack I can’t do anything – I can’t study, work, concentrate , or even stand up straight. It is NOT a walk in the park. Plus the really severe attacks knock down my immune system – so I usually get headaches, coughs an whatever else is in the area as a little “bonus”
One of the hardest things for me to deal with is the feeling of uselesness – I feel like such a burden. Even when I’m resting in bed I like to study, or do research, or prepare for work etc. But during an attack it’s not an option. And I feel so guilty for being so weak.
Maybe because I know it’s mostly my fault – my dear body went through so much abuse up till now that it just said “ENOUGH”. I used to think I was invincible – that nothing could touch me. In the midst of my illness I didn’t care – but now I know.
And anyone out there reading this that is still caught in the horrible clutches of a disorder – please please please take steps in the right direction. You are not immortal, your body won’t last forever. Every day you choose to starve yourself, to overexercise – you are wearing you body down and one day you will add the straw that cracks the camels back – and I promise you that you will be worse for the wear.
But good news is – I’m not giving up the fight. I had a breakdown last night and practically told my mom I couldn’t keep living like this – that this part of my life was wrecking the rest of it for me. I’m not going to lie – I am so jelous of people that can just grab food from the fridge without having to give a second thought to how it might make them feel afterwards. I have to think and plan and examin my choices and 9 times out of 10 I still don’t get it right. It’s hard it’s inconvenient and downright frustrating at times – but I’m gonna work through it.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and something tells me this experience is going to help me look at life and people in a whole new ways.
Food wise, things have not been that interesting. One day all i could eat was yogurt, banana’s, PB and crackers. The next day I added eggs and veggies and had another attack – boo. So today it’s an oatmeal start for me, and we’ll see where the day takes me from there.
But to be honest, I have no reason to complain. There are a lot worse things in life then oatmeal. 😉
Hope you all have a great day and remember – you can accomplish anything if you don’t give up!
Ps: And this is completely off topic. Recently I’m having a really hard time getting in my veggies – during an attack they all seem to make me feel bloated, nausea’s and generally bleh. But I know it’s important for me to be getting in my fiber right now – any suggestions on easy to digest ways to sneak veggies into your diet (just please don’t say green smoothies, because they don’t go down well for the most part).