Letting go -sounds so easy, yet it can be the hardest thing in the world.
Being here, surrounded by nature and stillness is making me realize a lot of things. Here, where I have nothing else on the addenda other then relaxing, eating and sleeping (with the additional optional activities of working in the garden and canning, cutting and preserving produce for the winter) I’ve realized I am afraid of thinking. A part of me is terrified by the stillness and I frantically scramble for things to try to fill up my time with. I read, I watch movies, I spend time with friends. I weed, pick and sort through vegetables, I cut, process and cook. I realized that I’m doing everything to avoid sitting still and thinking.
It’s making me realize that’s what my life at home is like. I push, push, push and fill my days with necessary and important to do’s not just because I HAVE to – but because I’m running. I’m running away from myself, from my thoughts, from who I really am and what I really want. There’s something in my past I’m afraid of thinking about, something I’m afraid of facing and truly letting go of.
I’m afraid of letting go in the present too – afraid of letting go of others expectations of me and my expectations of myself, I’m afraid of letting go of old habits and mindsets and things that I feel “define me”. I’m afraid of letting other people take care of me, of letting myself be loved and accepted just for being me.
But I’m practicing letting go. I’m slowly learning not to run away from my thoughts, to face my fears and anxieties about the future. I’m trying to let go and let other people take care of me – physically by letting them cook and serve me, mentally by sharing my problems with them and admitting I need help. It’s tough, but I know that with time and practice it’ll easier.
Since being here I’m also making an effort to really relax and enjoy and live in the moment. I’m enjoying the company, the food, the activities. I’m letting go of ALL food rules and just learning not to think about food so much. And it is SO refreshing not to be constantly thinking about food groups, calories and exchanges. I’ve been eating copious amounts of squash and fruit, and not worrying nearly as much about balancing food groups. I’m eating even when I’m not hungry (a very foreign concept) just because everyone else is (like cake and milk at 10:00 PM) and sometimes I’m eating more than “comfortably full” when it’s something really good – such as tonight’s risotto. The great thing is I really couldn’t care less. Food is something that is enjoyed, savored and then forgotten about. I’m not constantly thinking, planning and counting – I’m slowly letting go.
Proof of my undying squash addiction
Leftovers dinner – squash, chickpea coconut curry with a side of corn on the cob. Random but delicious.
I’m not constantly running around trying to please everyone else – I’ m letting myself have some “me” time, because I’ m slowly letting go of the idea that my actions define my worth. I work in the garden because I love the smell of fresh soil, the feeling of the sun on my face, and the taste of freshly harvested tomatoes. I wake up early – not because I have something to do or somewhere to go – but because I enjoy the peace and quiet of the morning. And for the first time in a long time I am happy.
Letting go may be the hardest, scariest thing I’ve ever done. But I believe that in only learning to do so will I be truly happy.
Sorry that all the best food is going unpictured – but when I’m sitting at a table with friends (99% of the time) I don’t feel like whipping out the camera and taking pictures – I’d much rather focus on the company and flavour then on getting the “perfect picture” of my food.
What things in your life are you learning to let go of?
Favorite way to eat squash?