Just let go..

Letting go -sounds so easy, yet it can be the hardest thing in the world.

Being here, surrounded by nature and stillness is making me realize a lot of things. Here, where I have nothing else on the addenda other then relaxing, eating and sleeping (with the additional optional activities of working in the garden and canning, cutting and preserving produce for the winter) I’ve realized I am afraid of thinking. A part of me is terrified by the stillness and I frantically scramble for things to try to fill up my time with. I read, I watch movies, I spend time with friends. I weed, pick and sort through vegetables, I cut, process and cook. I realized that I’m doing everything to avoid sitting still and thinking.

 

It’s making me realize that’s what my life at home is like. I push, push, push and fill my days with necessary and important to do’s not just because I HAVE to – but because I’m running. I’m running away from myself, from my thoughts, from who I really am and what I really want. There’s something in my past I’m afraid of thinking about, something I’m afraid of facing and truly letting go of.

I’m afraid of letting go in the present too – afraid of letting go of others expectations of me and my expectations of myself, I’m afraid of letting go of old habits and mindsets and things that I feel “define me”.  I’m afraid of letting other people take care of me, of letting myself be loved and accepted just for being me.

But I’m practicing letting go. I’m slowly learning not to run away from my thoughts, to face my fears and anxieties about the future.  I’m trying to let go and let other people take care of me – physically by letting them cook and serve me, mentally by sharing my problems with them and admitting I need help.  It’s tough, but I know that with time and practice it’ll easier.

Since being here I’m also making an effort to really relax and enjoy and live in the moment. I’m enjoying the company, the food, the activities. I’m letting go of ALL food rules and just learning not to think about food so much. And it is SO refreshing not to be constantly thinking about food groups, calories and exchanges. I’ve been eating copious amounts of squash and fruit, and not worrying nearly as much about balancing food groups. I’m eating even when I’m not hungry (a very foreign concept) just because everyone else is (like cake and milk at 10:00 PM) and sometimes I’m eating more than “comfortably full” when it’s something really good – such as tonight’s risotto. The great thing is I really couldn’t care less. Food is something that is enjoyed, savored and then forgotten about. I’m not constantly thinking, planning and counting – I’m slowly letting go.

Proof of my undying squash addiction

Pumpkin pie overnight oats (made with actual pumpkin pie filling) topped with PB

Garden goodies snack – olive oil roasted squash, cherry tomatoes, homemade hummus dressed with balsamic vinegar

Leftovers dinner – squash, chickpea coconut curry with a side of corn on the cob. Random but delicious.

I’m not constantly running around trying to please everyone else –  I’ m letting myself have some “me” time, because  I’ m slowly letting go of the idea that my actions define my worth. I work in the garden because I love the smell of fresh soil, the feeling of the sun on my face, and the taste of freshly harvested tomatoes. I wake up early – not because I have something to do or somewhere to go – but because I enjoy the peace and quiet of the morning.  And for the first time in a long time I am happy.

Letting go may be the hardest, scariest thing I’ve ever done. But I believe that in only learning to do so will I be truly happy.

 

Sorry that all the best food is going unpictured – but when I’m sitting at a table with friends (99% of the time) I don’t feel like whipping out the camera and taking pictures – I’d much rather focus on the company and flavour then on getting the “perfect picture” of my food.

What things in your life are you learning to let go of?

Favorite way to eat squash?

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6 comments

  1. You are so right — letting go can be really hard. I’ve just recently found in myself that I have some emotions that I thought were gone but were actually just buried. And having to face them is kind of scary. Learning about yourself can be really revealing sometimes. But letting go is what I have to do. To be able to be truly happy, I just have to let those emotions that are tying me down go. I don’t what to be chained down anymore. I want to be free. But the process isn’t easy, but I know it will be worth it in the end. 🙂 Thanks for always being there for me. I know I can always depend on you. 🙂

    Btw, my favorite way to use squash is in my Vegan Pumpkin Spice Milkshake! 😀

  2. I am so proud of you,Leelu… I know how hard it is to let go,but it truly seems like you’re doing an amazing job at it. It makes me so glad to hear you feel happy because yes,happiness is definitely something our ED takes away from us,leaving us in loneliness and pain and darkness.
    Thanks for choosing the path of health and happiness,despite the struggles that come with it – you are an inspiration for me,and pretty possibly for many others out there as well.
    P.S. I’d be interested in that oconut curry recipe… It sounds too good to be true! 🙂

  3. I can totally relate to this! I went through exactly the same thing a few months ago. I used to push myself really hard academically and define myself through my accomplishments. It’s so liberating to let go of these standards that we create for ourselves. Learning to love yourself and put your own needs first is the hardest thing to do but it’s so worth it. Accepting yourself just the way you are and realizing that you don’t have to do anything to earn love is so important in recovery. The most important realization I made was that I have everything I desire; you just have to look inside. 🙂

    Have you heard of a book called “Eating in the Light of the Moon”? I found it extremely helpful in dealing with all of these issues. It helped me get to the roots of my eating disorder and resolve some of the emotions that were contributing to it in ways that I wasn’t even aware of. I highly recommend it.

    Anyway, great job. This post shows a tremendous amount of growth and you should be really proud of yourself.

  4. This is beautiful post Leelu and it truly made me smile to read. I feel like reading this has opened me to another part of you, a more relaxed and quietly confident girl who is just more at ease with life. You’ve really inspired me today.

    I am so glad that this time away has helped you to move forward and to let go of stress and worry. You deserve a life full of more happiness and I think you are on the way. Time to think, space to breath and relax is so wonderful and important in life, I’m glad that you are opening up to yourself and finding a little more peace. I really hope it continues for you!

    Keep smiling lovely! And your photos are gorgeous 🙂


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