Hi everyone, and happy weekend.
I’m at work right now so I can’t exactly say I’m relaxing. On the up side how many people get to blog during work hours 😉 So I guess I’m actually lucky.
This post was sparked by a reply to a comment I got on a friends blog. I was explaining that I struggled with overeating and purging in the past, and she said was surprised because she never knew I experienced anything like that.
It got me thinking about how other people see me through my blog. The truth is blog life vs real life is a lot more hunky dory. There’s a lot of things I don’t discuss on my blog because a) it’s a very personal issue for me and I don’t feel like sharing it with everyone, b) it’s an issue that involves other people and I don’t feel like it’s my business sharing it with others, c) I don’t want to add too much negativity. In my opinion there’s a balance in letting people know you’re not 100% ok, and constantly discussing your problems and struggles. The truth is everyone has problems, and although it’s good to know your not alone, it can get a bit mentally draining to read about someone else’s all the time.
On this blog I try to be honest about my struggles, while at the same time sharing ways I’m working on overcoming them. Some days I like doing a “just for fun” post that is light and entertaining. And some days I do posts that are a bit more real, that give a little more insight into what I struggle with on a day to day basis. But that still doesn’t really give accurate insight into what my life is really like.
I’m not writing this, because I want everyone people to feel bad for me. I’m actually the type of person that likes to pretend everything is ok until I just can’t take it anymore and crack. But just because I don’t post about everything that is going on in my life right now, doesn’t mean everything is ok. Actually, it’s not. Right now I’m living with a parent that struggles with depression, I’m trying to fill the role of a second mother plus support my family. I’m suffering from very real health problems, and I am seriously underweight (yes, this is something I DO realize this people). To top it off I have a bunch of leftover ED crap I’m trying to deal with – so if just the sheer physical process of eating wasn’t hard enough, I have a bunch of mental garbage to go with it.
I’m not going to sit here and say I’m really at a good place in my recovery process, I’m not here to lecture anyone because I’m doing so well. If I share tips and things that have helped me, it’s just so because I hope maybe it’ll help someone else find what works for them, not because I think I’m some kind of expert. I KNOW I’m far from perfect, I know I have a long way to go. But that is not going to stop me from trying.
I know there are people that judge me, both in real life and in the blog world for not trying hard enough. And it’s true, there are times I have given up too soon in the past. There are times I should have pushed myself more, and I do appreciate constructive criticism. But I’m also here to say, please don’t judge a book by it’s cover. I don’t write about all my struggles, all the small steps I take daily to fight for health. I don’t complain about how I go to be nautious every night because of the ensures I drink before bed. I don’t moan about how I don’t have time to eat slowly and savor my food – because from the moment I get up till the moment I go to bed, I’m busy taking care of the 8 other people in my family. I don’t whine about how I cry almost every day, because I’m just so tired of trying to function normally in spite of the pain I’m constantly in, plus provide emotional support for the people that are affected by the depression in our family. I’m not poor me-ing because I have hardly any time for myself or the things I want to do or because I can’t even focus on REALLY getting the help I need, because there are other more important things to be taken care of.
But I’m not here to excuse myself either, because life will never be perfect. There will always be problems, both big and small and the key is in learning how to cope with them and overcome them. I am not going to stop pushing myself, because things are a bit complicated in my life right now. I am determined to keep pushing ahead, and keep fighting with all my strength.
To all my commenters, I hope none of you take this the wrong way – I DO appreciate your insight. But if you offer constructive criticism, please also include specific suggestions of things that have helped you. It would help it me feel more like I’m being offered help and support, as opposed to being attacked or quiestioned. It’s easy enough to find fault, but finding solutions is quite another matter. So please, please, please keep being honest with me, but help me see how to improve at the same time. Instead of saying “eat more”, say “try to add more healthy fats to your foods” or “maybe you should substitute some of your vegetables with more nutritionally dense foods such as ……”. That way I can actually work towards making changes, as opposed to being faced with another problem I have to deal with.
Thank you all, for fighting with me and alongside me and for supporting me. It means more to me then you’ll ever know. And together we’ll beat this bitch and any other problems in our lives. Because we ARE strong!
Take care, and enjoy the weekend!