I’m not perfect – but I’m trying

Hi everyone, and happy weekend.

I’m at work right now so I can’t exactly say I’m relaxing.  On the up side how many people get to blog during work hours 😉 So I guess I’m actually lucky.

This post was sparked by a reply to a comment I got on a friends blog. I was explaining that I struggled with overeating and purging in the past, and she said was surprised because she never knew I experienced anything like that.

It got me thinking about how other people see me through my blog. The truth is blog life vs real life is a lot more hunky dory. There’s a lot of things I don’t discuss on my blog because a) it’s  a very personal issue for me and I don’t feel like sharing it with everyone, b) it’s an issue that involves other people and I don’t feel like it’s my business sharing it with others, c) I don’t want to add too much negativity. In my opinion there’s a balance in letting people know you’re not 100% ok, and constantly discussing your problems and struggles. The truth is everyone has problems, and although it’s good to know your not alone, it can get a bit mentally draining to read about someone else’s all the time.

On this blog I try to be honest about my struggles, while at the same time sharing ways I’m working on overcoming them. Some days I like doing a “just for fun” post that is light and entertaining. And some days I do posts that are a bit more real, that give a little more insight into what I struggle with on a day to day basis. But that still doesn’t really give accurate insight into what my life is really like.

I’m not writing this, because I want everyone people to feel bad for me. I’m actually the type of person that likes to pretend everything is ok until I just can’t take it anymore and crack. But just because I don’t post about everything that is going on in my life right now, doesn’t mean everything is ok. Actually, it’s not. Right now I’m living with a parent that struggles with depression, I’m trying to fill the role of a second mother plus support my family. I’m suffering from very real health problems, and I am seriously underweight (yes, this is something I DO realize this people). To top it off I have a bunch of leftover ED crap I’m trying to deal with – so if just the sheer physical process of eating wasn’t hard enough, I have a bunch of mental garbage to go with it.

I’m not going to sit here and say I’m really at a good place in my recovery process, I’m not here to lecture anyone because I’m doing so well. If I share tips and things that have helped me, it’s just so because I hope maybe it’ll help someone else find what works for them, not because I think I’m some kind of expert. I KNOW I’m far from perfect, I know I have a long way to go. But that is not going to stop me from trying.

I know there are people that judge me, both in real life and in the blog world for not trying hard enough. And it’s true, there are times I have given up too soon in the past. There are times I should have pushed myself more, and I do appreciate constructive criticism. But I’m also here to say, please don’t judge a book by it’s cover. I don’t write about all my struggles, all the small steps I take daily to fight for health. I don’t complain about how I go to be nautious every night because of the ensures I drink before bed. I don’t moan about how I don’t have time to eat slowly and savor my food – because from the moment I get up till the moment I go to bed, I’m busy taking care of the 8 other people in my family. I don’t whine about how I cry almost every day, because I’m just so tired of trying to function normally in spite of the pain I’m constantly in, plus provide emotional support for the people that are affected by the depression in our family. I’m not poor me-ing because I have hardly any time for myself or the things I want to do or because I can’t even focus on REALLY getting the help I need, because there are other more important things to be taken care of.

But I’m not here to excuse myself either, because life will never be perfect. There will always be problems, both big and small and the key is in learning how to cope with them and overcome them. I am not going to stop pushing myself, because things are a bit complicated in my life right now.  I am determined to keep pushing ahead, and keep fighting with all my strength.

To all my commenters, I hope none of you take this the wrong way – I DO appreciate your insight. But if you offer constructive criticism, please also include specific suggestions of things that have helped you. It would help it me feel more like I’m being offered help and support, as opposed to being attacked or quiestioned. It’s easy enough to find fault, but finding solutions is quite another matter. So please, please, please keep being honest with me, but help me see how to improve at the same time. Instead of saying “eat more”, say “try to add more healthy fats to your foods” or “maybe you should substitute some of your vegetables with more nutritionally dense foods such as ……”.  That way I can actually work towards making changes, as opposed to being faced with another problem I have to deal with.

Thank you all, for fighting with me and alongside me and for supporting me. It means more to me then you’ll ever know. And together we’ll beat this bitch and any other problems in our lives. Because we ARE strong!

Take care, and enjoy the weekend!

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9 comments

  1. Your honesty is truly commendable. It is great to see someone admit that they are struggling, not because anyone wants to see you struggle, but because it shows what a genuine, beautiful person you are. I don’t know you very well but I can see that from this post. If it helps at all, know that you are not alone. Two members of my immediate family have manic-depressive (bipolar) disorder so I know how it feels to have to put others’ needs above your own and emotionally support then when you are struggling to support yourself. Keep doing the best that you can. You are strong and it will get better.

  2. Long long hug my dear Leelou ❤ You are a most courageous fighter for everything that you are doing, especially given all the struggles you continually have to go through (outside of your own eating disorder). You are a true champion for not letting the emotional hardships of your family fester in you and for continually striving to beat the ed life and survive the real world as well. These hardship days will only enhance your strength and make you a stronger person in the long run. You are in my thoughts always and sending you a beautiful warm hug to keep you going through the toughest times. love you girl ❤

  3. You are such an inspiration. 🙂 Thank you SO much for this post. You are so strong — I can tell that. And please, don’t feel like you have to share every little detail about your life. You don’t have to to get a message across. Your life is your life. It’s personal, and we don’t expect you to dictate every little aspect of it. Just remember we’re here for you. If you want to share a little struggle you’ve been having, we can be here for you to help you out. In fact, we can help each other. I know you’re posts have really helped me find that balance with myself. Thanks for always being so honest and open. You are absolutely amazing. 🙂

  4. I love your honesty and your humble approach to blogging!
    Truthfully, I admire that you wish to present a positive image of yourself and shield the negativity that goes on in your life. But I hope it’s not imprudent of me to suggest that it’s okay to be more open about your struggles that occur in your daily life. Sometimes it gives us readers immense relief knowing that others out there are struggling through the same problems. It makes it a lot harder to go through recovery when we only read about those that have successfully overcome their eating disorders and are fully and happily recovered. I doubt that the image they portray on their blogs is completely accurate, but at the same time it always causes me to question why I cannot accomplish the same feat. This in turn causes more negative thoughts that lead me into doubting whether I will ever to rid of this disorder.

    Thank you for always trying to be as sincere as possible when writing your opinions. I cannot even imagine the courage required to expose such personal pieces of yourself to the entire blogging world, vulnerable to criticisms, insults and reproaches. I want to reiterate how supportive it is to read about similar obstacles others are facing and the approaches they’ve taken to get over them. Don’t feel like you are obligated to share only the positive things that happen to you; I would love to hear more about the emotional burden of taking care of others in the family, the physical pain of nauseousness, and the mental battles with lingering disordered thoughts. I don’t mean to say that I wish that you suffer from these difficulties; I just want to remind you that as readers, we are here to offer you compassion and support. It also allows us to feel a greater sense of connection to you, since we are getting to know more about your personal aspects.

    I, too, am surprised that you experienced a period where you binged and purged. Please don’t feel obligated to share this experience if it’s too personal but I think a lot of readers would benefit from your story and the means with which you overcame this period.

    Thank you for being an inspiration to me and likely many, many others out there.

  5. Always remember that if comments get too close to your emotions and add to all of the stress of life, you can simply “unplug” from your blog and keep a written journal instead. Or just stop reading blogs that may be triggering or seem “too good to be true.” I love your approach to truthfulness in writing and I follow the same belief with mine so I know how irritating it can be to read other blogs and have them impact your life negatively.

    Don’t feel like you have to write about anything too personal either, there’s no shame in keeping things to yourself. Take pride in the fact that you’re human, you make mistakes, and you’re strong enough to admit them. Keep looking at the bigger picture and think about things one at a time.

    On a note about eating, you could always try to eat more fruits and fewer vegetables, since they’re higher in calories. I’ve been dropping the notion that I eat “too much fruit” and just going with the flow and I think it’s helping a great deal with adding calories to my diet. That and beans – if you can digest and stomach beans and hummus easily, chow down on those. 🙂

  6. I understand you have a very difficult situation (or life, rather!) right now and I feel for you. Because not many people have so many things to deal with, so many responsibilities and stress, AND health issues on top of that. So I understand that your struggle is not equal to mine or anyone else’s and that many times when I comment saying something like “just eat more, PLEASE” or “gain weight as quickly as possible because being at a healthy weight will make you think so much better and rationally!” I only say it because it worked for ME and it’s the only tip I can give. What I don’t agree with though is seeing someone who is truly struggling (you) offering “tips” on recovery…. you are extremely far from it, and I’m not saying that to discredit your efforts because I know you’re trying, but I think with the little success you’ve been seeing, it doesn’t make sense for you to be giving other people “advice” or tips when, after following your blog for over a year now, I haven’t seen you really taking your own advice. I know it’s easier said than done, but at some point… and again, I refer to this happening to myself, you have to just give it your all.

  7. Leelu,I truly admire your honesty and your rationality. You are incredibly inspiring to me,no matter what you write about,and please don’t ever think I expect someone to share his or her biography with the world,god,I’d never do that! I am really sorry you’re in such a difficult situation at home,but at the same time,I am simply overwhelmed by your strength and willpower to continue fighting despite all the pain and uncomfortable feelings that come along with it. You are an amazing woman,my dear,and I want you to know that I am always supporting you,regardless what happens.

  8. Love this honest post. There isn’t one RIGHT way to recover (but don’t you wish there was?), what matters is that we always keep pushing forward. Sometimes that means peaks and valleys through life’s monkey-wrenches. And you, brave girl, are fighting with hope and strength.
    Always loving your posts

    A.
    http://www.wildheartcity.wordpress.com


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