Learning how to say no.
Happy weekend everyone.
I was planning to write this post yesterday morning – but considering I got up at 7:00 and by 8:30 had already eaten breakfast, cleaned the kitchen, baked a chocolate cake and was heading off to work – Saturday didn’t promise to be very relaxing. By the time I got back from work at 7:00 PM I was too tired to do anything but face-plant into bed and turn on a movie. So sorry, but I’m not sorry.
I’m not going to lie – this past week has been a struggle for me health wise. I haven’t been treating my body like I should, or resting like I should. I’ve been drinking far too much coffee, not eating and not sleeping enough. To top it off I’ve been running off painkillers because my stomach pain has worsened because of how I was treating my body. I knew what I was doing wrong, but somehow, I was unable to stop.
Then Saturday really pushed me over the brink – I almost fainted walking home from work because I was just SO tired and weak and in pain. And it got me thinking – why do I do this to myself. Both in studies, in work, in my personal life I push, push, push till I collapse and break down.
Thinking about this made me realize that I’m in a place right now where I don’t know how to say no. I just don’t. For some reason I feel like I need to prove my worth to the world by sacrificing everything so that other people can be happy. I try so hard to please those around me, that I end up hurting myself in the process. I do things that I KNOW aren’t good for me right now – such as skipping meals or skimping on them, not resting enough, not admitting when I’m in pain, taking on extra shifts, even if it’s not actually a necessity just so I can somehow better my feelings of self worth. I feel I need to push harder then anyone else and to sacrifice more, just to make up the for the inconvenience of my existance ( my food issues and the fact I need special foods, that I need to rest after meals etc.)
I also care way too much about what other people think of me. There are things I know aggravate my stomach pains (such as dairy, eating sweets on an empty stomach etc.) and yet for 2 days in a row I’ve been eating cream filled cake on an empty stomach (I’ve been organizing kids parties and it sort of comes with the job) and as a result am in so much pain I can hardly eat anything the rest of the day. And I COULD say no, but I’m just too scarred of what other people might think. So I just grind my teeth and bare it – even though I am fully aware of the consequences of my actions.
A lot of this might have to do with the fact that I’m trying so hard to prove I’m “recovering” that I never say no to anything – even if it’s just plain common sense for me to do so. Again, I’m trying to hard to do what everyone else considers “right” to the neglect of what is really right for me.
But I’m determining to make a change. Starting from today I am going to get back on track. I’m going to make a meal plan and stick to it. I’m going to focus on treating myself and my body well, of detoxing from all the coffee and other junk I’ve been pumping into it for the past week. I’m going to try to rest and take it easy. I’m going to set aside enough to time to plan and eat proper meals. And I’m going to practice being honest, standing up for myself and saying no. I’m not going to use this as an excuse to restrict – and if I want a sweet treat or something a little more indulgent I’m going to go for it. But it won’t be because someone else wants me to, or so I can prove myself to someone else – it’ll be for me. Because I AM worth more than the work I do; I have value just for being who I am today, right now, this moment. I don’t need to punish myself for not being “better”. I have a right to be happy, to rest and enjoy just as much as anyone else does.
A new found friend of mine sent a quote to me – and it came at just the right time : “You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection” I love everyone else around me so much, but in order to be able to help them, I need to first help myself.