Ok, this is going to be a complete , unapologetic rant. So please feel free not to read this post unless you want to.
Right now I feel totally and completly lost. I don’t really know who I am or what I’m doing anymore. Before my entire life was fixated on studying – to the point it became an obsession for me and kind of pushed me into the state I’m in now. So studying is not the all in all for me… But if not that -then what?
I don’t know what I enjoy anymore. I don’t remember what makes me happy. Or rather I do, but I can’t seem to manage to fit these things into my current way of life.
I’m a giving person by nature. I want to help others, I want to be the best person I can be. I feel that because of my constant medical issues I’m more of a burden then a help, so I’m trying to overcompensate by being sacrificial to my own hurt. And it IS hurting me, because I’m unhappy. I’m never home, I’m typing this from work where I’m sitting and babysitting the family buisness. Why? Because I want my parents to rest, to spend time with the kids, to do what makes them happy. But the truth is I’m working tomorrow as well, and where I really want to be is back at home, curled up on the couch with a book, or watching SYTYCD with my brothers. For some reason I can’t say it though, I can’t express my feelings. I feel like I need to prove something to someone, or earn the right to simply exist.
Same thing goes with my eating patterns. I need to keep hitting my calorie goals, I need to keep pushing forward in recovery. But a lot of the times I skimp on food because I’m afraid of the pain I’ll be in afterwords, I don’t ask for extra money for groceries because I we don’t have the money. I keep quiet about what I need because I don’t want to be a bother.
Most disturbingly on days like this I feel so alone. I need a friend I can talk to, someone I can just vent and know they will understand. And I DO have friends that will be there for me like that, the problem is that they live thousands of kilometers away, and although we write and stay in touch – it’s not the same 😦
And my family… they have their own problems. My mom is really been a great support for me, but I try not to tell her everything – because she already has to deal with my dad’s problems. And my dad needs seriouse help ( even if he can’t admit it). He’s struggling with depression and his moods swings make everyone in the house on edge. At the same time, I understand his pain – he feels like he’s carrying the weight of this entire family on his back, I know he loves us and wants to take care of us. And sometimes that’s not so easy. But just being around him is enough to make me want to not eat the whole day, because of all the tension and nerves in the house. And it’s hard to be strong when you feel like you’re falling to bits inside.
I don’t want to feel like a burden, I want to be self sufficient. I want to enjoy life again/. I want to FULLY recover, I want to embrace life. But I’ve lost my way, and I don’t know who to turn to for help.
Some days I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. Deep in my heart I know it will be, I just need some support and reassurance