Random rant.

Ok, this is going to be a complete , unapologetic rant. So please feel free  not to read this post unless you want to.

Right now I feel totally and completly lost. I don’t really know who I am or what I’m doing anymore. Before my entire life was fixated on studying – to the point it became an obsession for me and kind of pushed me into the state I’m in now. So studying is not the all in all for me… But if not that -then what?

I don’t know what I enjoy anymore. I don’t remember what makes me happy. Or rather I do, but I can’t seem to manage to fit these things into my current way of life.

I’m a giving person by nature. I want to help others, I want to be the best person I can be. I feel that because of my constant medical issues I’m more of a burden then a help, so I’m trying to overcompensate by being sacrificial to my own hurt. And it IS hurting me, because I’m unhappy. I’m never home, I’m typing this from work where I’m sitting and babysitting the family buisness. Why? Because I want my parents to rest, to spend time with the kids, to do what makes them happy. But the truth is I’m working tomorrow as well, and where I really want to be is back at home, curled up on the couch with a book, or watching SYTYCD with my brothers.  For some reason I can’t say it though, I can’t express my feelings. I feel like I need to prove something to someone, or earn the right to simply exist.

Same thing goes with my eating patterns. I need to keep hitting my calorie goals, I need to keep pushing forward in recovery. But a lot of the times I skimp on food because I’m afraid of the pain I’ll be in afterwords, I don’t ask for extra money for groceries because I we don’t have the money. I keep quiet about what I need because I don’t want to be a bother.

Most disturbingly on days like this I feel so alone. I need a friend I can talk to, someone I can just vent and know they will understand. And I DO have friends that will be there for me like that, the problem is that they live thousands of kilometers away, and although we write and stay in touch – it’s not the same 😦

And my family… they have their own problems. My mom is really been a great support for me, but I try not to tell her everything – because she already has to deal with my dad’s problems. And my dad needs seriouse help ( even if he can’t admit it). He’s struggling with depression and his moods swings make everyone in the house on edge. At the same time, I understand his pain – he feels like he’s carrying the weight of this entire family on his back, I know he loves us and wants to take care of us. And sometimes that’s not so easy. But just being around him is enough to make me want to not eat the whole day, because of all the tension and nerves in the house. And it’s hard to be strong when you feel like you’re falling to bits inside.

I don’t want to feel like a burden, I want to be self sufficient. I want to enjoy life again/. I want to FULLY recover, I want to embrace life. But I’ve lost my way, and I don’t know who to turn to for help.

 

Some days I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. Deep in my heart I know it will be, I just need some support and reassurance

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5 comments

  1. Oh,Leelu… I can relate to this 100% because I feel EXACTLY the same way these days. Even reading this post makes me feel sorry because it’s true: No matter what I say,no matter how much I want to console you,I won’t be able to do it right because I am so far away. I am so sorry you have to experience this on your own becaue it’s awful and I know that… Please don’t give up though,you’re such an amazing person and definitely needed in this world!

  2. Keep holding on my sweet Leelu. (I will reply to your email soon!) You are most most definitely not a burden. To anybody. I know exactly how you are feeling-I feel the same emotions and burdening thoughts as well-but you are not alone. You are never alone because you have everyone nearby who loves and cares for you. Though we may not be next to you, we are holding your hand and on your shoulder telling you to push forward and never ever give up. You are stronger than you think and wiser than you know and more patient, sweet, courageous and unburdensome than you can imagine.
    Huge hugs. Love you

  3. It sounds like you are going through a really tough time. I can relate to the identity issues, and feeling totally lost without classes. A quote that really helped me in that area is “The question is not who am I? it is Whose am I?” by Elizabeth Elliot. I guess it helps me realize that it doesn’t matter if I don’t know exactly what makes me happy since what I do know is that I belong to God. On another note I can also relate to wanting to help out around the house, and having no emotions. It is like as soon as I walk into the house my ability to express emotion vanishes and I am left merely existing. I haven’t figured out exactly why it happens, but I think it has to do with trying to protect myself from being emotionally hurt from my family. If I don’t have emotions with them I can’t get hurt right? Although that also implies that I can’t be happy, or excited or and of the other good emotions.

    Great post it really got me thinking. I will keep you in my thoughts! 🙂


  4. Feeling alone – and well actually everything you are struggling with here is just an awful awful feeling.
    One thing I know FOR SURE is that we were absolutely 100% NOT designed to live in isolation and isolation is like a slow death.
    Unfortunately it has a quicksand effect too…you know? Like …you start to get stuck and start isolating on purpose. Too afraid to reach out because you feel like a burden.
    After all – you can barely stand yourself do who else would want to be around you.

    Am I right? This is my experience and I wanted to share it. Do whatever it takes to get OUT and around people. You have to "do it not wanting to do it" at first and then soon…it becomes normal.

    Chances are you are only being a burden to yourself sweet thang!
    Love and prayers for you!


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