Ever since making a goal to gain 2 kilos in a month, I’ve come to realize something very interesting. There is a difference between “trying” and trying.
I’ve been “trying” to gain weight for the past few years. What that means is that I had a few days or weeks out of a month where I felt really motivated at like I wanted to gain weight. I would then push myself out of my comfort zone a little – maybe eat a scoop of ice-cream after dinner, or an extra serving of nut butter. There was one point I got really “wild” and decided I was going to drink a protein shake each night before going to bed. There were times I tried to change my habits and diet to include more calories, or to slightly limit the amount of physical activity I did so I could gain. But the minute I started feeling uncomfortable, guilty or unmotivated , I slowly slipped back into my old familiar, safe habits.
This didn’t mean I was restricting or anything like that. I was trying to eat healthy, hit all the food groups and enjoy a few treats now and then. But I wasn’t moving forward, I was standing still and gradually that turned into moving backwards. And now here I am, having to fight with every bit within me for my health.
Right now I am really trying to gain weight – that means high calorie juices throughout the day instead of water, eating a fat exchange at every meal, eating and adding butter to my foods (not nut butter mind you, regular butter) and drinking an ensure or soy milk drink at night. I eat white rolls and sugary treats a few times a week.I eat past the point of comfortable fullness, when faced with a choice I try to eat my carbs and protein before my vegetables and fruit. I’ve decided that no matter what the pain, I am going to FORCE myself to stick to my meal plan and eat enough food. Does it get tiring and frustrating – yes it does, I can’t even count the number of times I’ve wanted to quit; that I’ve told myself I hate food. I’ve broken down numerous times and even gotten to the point that I just wanted to die so that all the pain and discomfort could be over. But do I intend to quit? No I don’t, because I’m really trying this time.
Recovery is just like this. Some people (myself included) have been “trying to recover” for years before they actually make a firm commitment to rid their lives of the ED forever. I dare say we’ve all had stanges like this, either at the beginning, of somewhere throughout the recovery journey. We toy with the idea of recovery, and even make some concrete steps towards letting go of our old mentalities and mindsets. But the moment things get uncomfortable or we are faced with triggers, we run back to our old ways. We might not be moving backwards, but even if we think we’re standing still, we slowly, ever so gradually slip further into that terrible trap that disordered eating is. Most importantly we aren’t moving forward – towards health, happiness and freedom , the three things that should be the most valuable in our lives.
So each morning, let’s make a commitment to try for recovery. Let’s make a commitment every day to fight – no matter what the pain and mental anguish it might cause us. Let’s make a decision that we will NOT go back to our old coping mechanisms – no matter how appealing they might seem at the moment. And let’s make a commitment to reach that place of happiness and health – and never turn back. Because then and only then can we truly say we are trying to recover.
And although we should be prepared for a rough journey, let’s not forget that there will be beautiful patches of sunshine along the way. There is so much you learn and discover about yourself during the process of recovery. And just like I discovered today that melted butter on a white roll is absolutely delicious, you may discover wonderful , beautifull things about yourself and your life that you couldn’t have any other way.
Try it, you just might like it 😉
No one said it would be easy, but they did say it would be worth it.