Hi everyone. Hope you’re all enjoying your weekend so far.
Sorry I’ve been absent from blog world recently. Every evening I’ve sat down at my computer wanting to write something and either found that a) I’m too tired and end up falling asleep, b) I can’t form my thoughts into any kind of legeble sequence. Since I’m a firm believe in”if you don’t have anything intelligent to blog about, don’t blog about anything at all” (meaning I don’t believe in posting just for the sake of posting), I’ve just not written anything this past week. Between 6 AM shifts at work and 10 PM closing time, there were days I didn’t even open my computer and just went to sleep.
Still, despite my crazy schedule, I’ve been trying to take care of myself and even enjoy a bit of life along the way. We’re in the middle of a heat wave, so it’s hard to want to eat anything at all, but I’m fighting like a trooper to do what’s right for my body and eat.
A pre-heat wave meal – a three B dinner – beans, beats and brown rice.
Post heat wave use of beans – a two bean salad with corn, pumpernickle bread on the side
Food wise, I’ve been stepping out of my comfort zone and experimenting with foods – which has had mixed results. A lot of days I’ve been in pain, there have been some good days and some bad ones. But I’ve determined that I will take each “experiment” as a learning experience and not condemn myself if I make the wrong food choices sometimes. It’s all a part of the recovery process and I’m trying to embrace it, even though it’s hard.
The first turkey burger I’ve had in years. It gave me horrible stomach aches afterwards, but I’m proud of myself for trying.
A non oat or cereal breakfast – 2 slices rye bread, with a sweet/savory cottage cheese combo, cherries (hald eaten) on the side.
One thing I need to work on, is being honest about my needs. I’m the type of person that feels the need to work, work, work till I drop. Even though it’s summer and most people are thinking of relaxing, I find my schedule just as hectic as during the school year. And although this isn’t a bad time – now is the time I need to focus on ME and My HEALTH and what I need. Although this may sound conceited, it’s something I need to learn to do, because I’m good at taking care of everyone around me but myself.
I had mini-breakdown on Friday night after a full day of nausea and pain I told my mom that I didn’t want to live like this anymore. I just had enough. Well the next day I finnaly got to see my doctor – and that visit was the most mentally exhausting one EVER. Although I gained a bit, she still wasn’t too impressed and basically told me that whatever I was doing wasn’t enough. She told me all my pains were in my head, and didn’t prescribe me any kind of medication whatsoever. But she did work it out for me to talk to my old therapist, and although I was never to fond of her and haven’t seen her for over a year – boy it felt good to talk to someone. I realized I have a bunch of bottled up emotions that I just need to get out. So I definitely will look into getting more regular therapy, because I think there’s a lot of issues I still need to adress.
Although the doctor didn’t do anything to help me, per se, she gave me new determination to fight. Why? Well for one she told me that there was no hospitalization option available, so basically it was on my shoulders to help myself. It’s a heavy burden to carry, and to be honest some days I wish I could be impatient so that someone else could fight for me, and I didn’t have to fight for myself. But I know I would learn nearly as much or appreciate the journey it took to get me to where I am if I just gave up, went impatient and let the medical team there do the fighting for me.
I’ve also made some goals for September in regards to my health. I know it’s a bit late to be making goals, but better late then never.
– Gain at least 2 kg by the end of this month. I know it’s not a ton, but considering the amount of pain I’m in after eating, it won’t be a walk in the park. But I’m determined to fight this one though. I’m going to eat – pain, no pain – because it’s what I need to do for my health.
– Look into finding a therapist or support group to help me deal with all the underlying issues that come with my ED (always been sceptical about this before)
– Force myself to eat foods I don’t necessarily like, because they’re good for me right now – butter and meat are the first ones that come to mind.
– Speak up more about my needs and be honest about them. Stop pretending everything is always ok and admitting I need help when I need it.
– Drinking less alcohol and coffee – I don’t drink a lot – maybe 3 times a week and even that is like 1/2 a beer. But often times I will skimp on food when I drink because I figure I’m going to be imbinbing an “liquid calories” so I can afford it. The thing is there my body doesn’t benefit the same way from alcohol it does from food. Coffee is one of my guilty pleasures in life, but I find it’s an appetite suppressant and thus I need to limit it to 1 max 2 cups a day.
– Go somewhere this summer. Summer isn’t supposed to be all work, work, work so I need to plan something enjoyable to do this summer.
Ok, so that’s it for now. I’m looking at that list and feeling a little overwhelmed. But I’ll get there, one day at a time, one step at a time.