What weight gain is giving me.

Believe it or not, recovery means work

Contrary to what people think about weight gain – it’s actually hard to do.  Not just because of all the mental baggage that can follow someone with an ED history, but because the physical side of it is actually difficult. You’re full almost all the time, yet you force yourself to eat anyway. You constantly need to be thinking about fitting in your next meal or snack, and carrying around food with you. “Forgetting” a meal is not an option, just “not eating” because you’re not hungry isn’t an option. And it gets tiering.

Some days I really do want to give up, because of all the pain I’m in. The meds don’t always work, actually sometimes instead of making things better they make them worse. Some days I feel overwhelmed with having to think about food all the time, having to plan and think ahead and try to work around my stomach issues at the same time. But guess what, I’m GLAD I’m forced to make these changes now becuase it’s actually giving me a lot.

So what is eating  A LOT more then I’m used to giving me :

More energy. Seriously, I’m amazed at home much more awake I feel during the day. I got so used to being tired all the time that I actually forgot what not feeling fatigued feels like. And guess what – it feels AMAZING. I can get so much more done during the day, and NIGHT. That’s right, I’m turining into a regular night owl, because I’m no longer forcing myself to go to sleep so I avoid eating. And I have this bad boy to thank for that:

 An ensure a day keeps the doctor away (not really, but anyways).  Although I took this pic during the day an ensure shake is my usual late night snack. It’s pretty nasty stuff, but you gotta do what you gotta do for your health.

– The ability to experiment more with my foods. Trashing all my food rules was really scary, but I feel so much more free now to experiment with my meals without the underlying fear that I’ll “eat to much”, or that. Right now, the more the merrier 😛 and because of my weird stomach issues I just need to flow with what sounds good at the time. I’m learning to truly listen to my cravings  even if it occasionally means something “weird” happens – like breakfast for lunch 😛

Breakfast for lunch – can’t see why not ?  Oatmeal pancake made with a whole egg, topped with honey and cinnemon, apple and kefir on the side

Losing my fear of foods.  Recently I’ve been allowing myself basically everything I crave – healthy or not. And right now I have a freaky sweet tooth. For the first few days I ate a candy bar a day – no joke. But instead of developing a bad habit like I was afraid of doing, and never being able to stop, now I don’t crave candy or sugary treats at all. Banana’s, raisins and vegan “cookie dough balls” are all definitely popular items with me right now, but sickeningly sweet candy bars have lost their appeal. It’s gotten to a point when I will actually have a few bites of it, just to realize it’s not what I want at all.

I went from craving this:

 

to this…

Enjoying social gatherings  so much more. Today was my brother’s 16th birthday and after work I  planned a special dinner for him. We didn’t have time to make pizza so what we got was store bought, frozen pizza. Normally I wouldn’t touch that stuff with a ten foot pole (hello saturated fat and chemicals) – but today I just completly let go and enjoyed. That and cracker + cheese, prezzles and salad. And it felt so good to sit around with my family and eat what they were eating- without needing “special” food.

Snacking station

Pizza action

My plate ( plus way more snacks ;P)

Knowing I’m doing the right thing. Sure, there is a lot of pain and discomfort involved, but now when I look in the mirror  instead of hating that stick thin figure in front of me, I can honestly tell myself I am fighting to change things for the better. It’s hard and I’ve already had my share of mental and physical struggles through this ordeal, but so far I am motivated to keep on going. And as long as I don’t lose that motivation I know I’m bound to get there some day.

All that being said, it isn’t easy, but there are really so many benefits to doing what is right for my health. Sure, there are days I’m stressed or anxious, days I just want to throw in the towel and say “forget it”. But little things like these show me that although in the short time things may seem difficult, I’m heading toward a place where food no longer has so much importance to me, a place where I am free to let go and enjoy myself, a place where I am able to be all I can be. And a place where I can be happy with myself, just the way I am.

So on that happy note, with a hefty peice of cake in my stomach, I am heading off to sleep. I’ll try to keep posting as much as I can, but with finals looming ahead and working till 9 PM I’m not sure how much I’ll manage.  I’ve already been getting only 5 hours of sleep this last week, and I’m revising for a big test on Monday tomorrow, so I have less then relaxing plans for the weekend 😛  Hope you all enjoy yours though!

Have you ever done something that was difficult short term, but more then worth the effort in the end?

Anyone have any healthy, easy , on-the -go sweet snack recipies to share. My sweet tooth is crazy recently, but chocolate and candy bars just aren’t appealing anymore 😛

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8 comments

  1. Huge high fives and hugs. My dearest I am so so so proud of you!! We are completely in sync at the moment too 😛 Regarding the being full all the time but trying to force yourself to eat anyways and that forgetting a meal isn’t an option! Especially in these summer months and especially when everyone around you is not always eating, but the fact that we have to allow ourselves to eat is so tiring!
    Plus losing all the food rules and fear foods is a huge huge step. And allowing ourselves to make our own foods and then enjoying them the way that we would if we had made it for someone else to enjoy. We are allowed to enjoy the meals too!
    Your eating what you crave is inspiring me. I’m always so scared of allowing myself that cookie or chocolate for fear of “binging” but you are right. Once we let go of that fear, we realize that we may not even crave that sugary junk anymore!
    This is such an uplifting inspiring post. Thank you for it!!! ❤ LOVE YOU

  2. I love this post,really! So inspiring!
    You can be so proud of yourself for your progress & listening to your body; huge kudos for eating everything you crave despite your food fears and stuff. 🙂
    Your brothers are adorable,by the way. Such cute little boys! 😀

  3. I must say that this is extremely motivating to read and I’m so happy to hear that you’re pushing for recovery with an excellent attitude! The fact that you’re willing to drink Ensure for your own health (without a doctor telling you to?!) gives me that little extra “oomph” to just up the foods I eat for my health. Combined with the fantastic mood I woke up in this morning, I think I can start to take some good pieces of advice away from this post. Plus I feel a lot of the same symptoms (more energy, less worries) when I fuel properly.

    Being at my brother’s house this past week I was put in a position where the food choices weren’t the best and some of the things I had to make do with were far from optimal and had ingredients I wasn’t 100% happy with, but I made do with what I had. Seeing your progress and what you’ve been up to is very helpful and I’m thrilled that you shared this post today – thank you so much! Keep it up!

  4. Oh big smiles. I’m so proud of you and you should be so so proud of yourself. I’m glad you are reaping the rewards of giving your body all that great nutrients! I think all things that are difficult in the short term are the most rewarding in the long term! xx

  5. Keep it up! I hated the weight gain part but I secretly enjoyed being able to eat all the treats I wanted whenever I wanted them. It is hard though, having to be full all the time even though you know it’s going to help you.

  6. Love this! I’m so happy for you. I know that it’s not all happy sunshine and rainbows, and even though you write with optimism and humor, you do probably feel some guilt here and there and feel like maybe you don’t deserve the food or why are you eating so much of it, etc… but you have to keep BLOCKING those thoughts and simply eating. During the toughest part of my recovery, I did just that: block ANY thoughts during mealtimes, and just ate without thinking about it. I thought about other things instead like what I will do next, which book I want to read, where I want to go… it helps not to have food on the brain all the time, because you have to get to the point where it’s JUST food, just fuel that every living, breathing soul needs.

    So again, this is great! And it’s easier knowing you’re around people who love you and people who eat normally and enjoy life. It’s good to realize how much that all means… 🙂

  7. So happy and proud of you!! Reading this post really made me smile lovely 🙂 Even though I know it isn’t easy and at times you feel like giving up I thin it’s amazing that you are still fighting and staying strong!

    You have so much to be proud of yourself for! Seriously I think your determination is inspiring. I am just so pleased that you are seeing the benefits and being able to enjoy life a bit more 🙂 I have complete faith that you will be able to beat this disorder and live freely and happily!


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