Facing up to reality

I’ve been putting off writing this post till I had everything sorted out in my mind. It’s still hard to write, because it’s never easy to admit you’re wrong, or that you messed up – but that’s exactly what I’m about to do.

I messed up – big time.

Right now a good chunk of my time and attention have been focused on my health – and rightfully so. Aside from the tests and doctor appointments I’ve been forced to give a good amount of my attention to my lifestyle and eating habits up until now. Being in constant pain, plus feeling very fatigued, tired and weak on a day to day basis made me stop and take a careful look at my life up until now. And I’m not exactly sure I like what I see.

The main reason for medical concern at this point is not my pain as much as the low weight I’m at. I’m not putting numbers out there, but I can in all honesty say that it’s the lowest it’s ever been – which is definitely NOT good. It’s gotten to the point that I can’t STAND to look at myself in the mirror, because what I see is pretty freaky. And I can tell by the looks of those around me, that they’re seeing the same things I am.

What really shocked me though, is when I was forced to reexamine how I got to this state. Sure pain played a major factor – but was it enough to drop THAT much weight.  In being honest with myself I had to face the fact that no, it wasn’t.

Somehow I allowed this sneaky little ED back into my life and snatch away so much of my hard work. To be honest I’m more angry at myself then anything else. I’m angry that I let myself go this far, angry that I was to blinded and obessed with my studies to realize I was letting go of something even more valuable – my health and happiness.

The doctors are strongly suggesting hospitalization, and although I’m not really sold on the idea, I’m keeping an open mind. Right now I just need to focus on quick weight gain, to get me out of the danger zone and back on track for health and happiness.

I’ve let some bad habits creep back into my life, because I was just too lazy to buckle down and deal with them. But now is the time for change. IT’s the time for me to fight back, to take back control of my health and life.

My doctor said something that keeps ringing in my mind, and I hope it’ll keep me motivated when times get tough. She said life was too beautiful to spend it worrying about your stomach – and that is so true. Life should be a beautiful, awesome and exiting adventure and I want to do all within my power to make that true for me again.

Do you find it hard to admit your wrong? Do you think it’s harder for you to admit it to others or to yourself?

 

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3 comments

  1. I am so proud of you for being that honet with yourself and with us,too,Leelu.
    I know how you feel,I’m in a similar situation right now,and I really wish you all the best. Whatever you do,however you decide,I hope it will make you happy enable you to live a happier and more care-free life. You deserve it.

  2. I don’t want this to sound like an “I told you so” comment, but as an outsider with a little glimpse into some of your eats that you would post here occasionally, I knew you were eating far too little…

    And I think what happens with EDs a lot of times, and maybe in your case, is that it’s easy for us to use other things as an “excuse” to give in to ED tendencies so that we feel better about/justified making these bad choices. In your case, you thought “well, my tummy hurts a lot when I eat, so I guess I shouldn’t be eating that much….” when you probably logically knew that not eating a lot wasn’t going to solve anything or make you feel that much better in the long run, but you talked yourself into believing that what you were doing was ok. (I’m not saying you did this, but I’m saying that’s one way of looking at it and it’s kind of what I allowed myself to think at one point too, just not with stomach issues…)

    It’s good that you’re not happy with what you see, because that can be a BIG motivator to put on some weight and feel good about it! EDs are twisted and you just have to keep fighting back… because living with an ED is not living at all. Life is too short for this bullsh*t 😛


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