I’ve been putting off writing this post till I had everything sorted out in my mind. It’s still hard to write, because it’s never easy to admit you’re wrong, or that you messed up – but that’s exactly what I’m about to do.
I messed up – big time.
Right now a good chunk of my time and attention have been focused on my health – and rightfully so. Aside from the tests and doctor appointments I’ve been forced to give a good amount of my attention to my lifestyle and eating habits up until now. Being in constant pain, plus feeling very fatigued, tired and weak on a day to day basis made me stop and take a careful look at my life up until now. And I’m not exactly sure I like what I see.
The main reason for medical concern at this point is not my pain as much as the low weight I’m at. I’m not putting numbers out there, but I can in all honesty say that it’s the lowest it’s ever been – which is definitely NOT good. It’s gotten to the point that I can’t STAND to look at myself in the mirror, because what I see is pretty freaky. And I can tell by the looks of those around me, that they’re seeing the same things I am.
What really shocked me though, is when I was forced to reexamine how I got to this state. Sure pain played a major factor – but was it enough to drop THAT much weight. In being honest with myself I had to face the fact that no, it wasn’t.
Somehow I allowed this sneaky little ED back into my life and snatch away so much of my hard work. To be honest I’m more angry at myself then anything else. I’m angry that I let myself go this far, angry that I was to blinded and obessed with my studies to realize I was letting go of something even more valuable – my health and happiness.
The doctors are strongly suggesting hospitalization, and although I’m not really sold on the idea, I’m keeping an open mind. Right now I just need to focus on quick weight gain, to get me out of the danger zone and back on track for health and happiness.
I’ve let some bad habits creep back into my life, because I was just too lazy to buckle down and deal with them. But now is the time for change. IT’s the time for me to fight back, to take back control of my health and life.
My doctor said something that keeps ringing in my mind, and I hope it’ll keep me motivated when times get tough. She said life was too beautiful to spend it worrying about your stomach – and that is so true. Life should be a beautiful, awesome and exiting adventure and I want to do all within my power to make that true for me again.
Do you find it hard to admit your wrong? Do you think it’s harder for you to admit it to others or to yourself?