Easter thoughts and realizations

Over Easter, aside from relaxing and enjoying my family – I did some thinking and came to some important realizations.

Since Easter break is currently in full swing at uni, I didn’t really have to study or take care of all the legalities involved with changing study programs just yet. The week ahead is going to be crazy and filled with all that stuff, but for now I was able to wind down and think about my life and priorities and the things that really matter to me.

I realized that somewhere along the road I lost my ability to enjoy life. All the little day to day pleasures got sucked out. I don’t know why and when it happened, but somewhere along the way life became a drudgery and I lost the ability to enjoy it. Even now I keep thinking about what I “should” be doing, as opposed to what I want to be doing, and something tells me changing that mentality won’t be easy.

Easter celebration drink

Also I’ve changed my attitude on food – I’ve gotten a lot more controlling and obsessive about it. I guess in an attempt to numb myself from feeling unhappy (because that’s honestly what I was studying full time at uni) and all the anxiety I was going through I allowed some of those old ED mentalities and coping mechanisms slowly creap back in. I’m slowly having to get back to a place where I enjoy food once again, where I don’t let my emotions and stress levels stop me from doing what’s right to take care of myself a fuel my body properly.

Apple oat bran with almonds and raisins

But Easter is a celebration of resurrection, a new beginning, a new start. I want that new start. I want to feel happy again. During this Easter holiday I’ve honestly felt happy for the first time in a long time, and it’s such a wonderful feeling. It feels so amazing to wake up first thing in the morning and look forward to the day, instead of dreading it.

I’m not going to lie, this change is scary and is causing me a bit of anxiety. But I have a really great support system around me (my family) and I feel accountable to take care of myself for their sake as well as my own. Yes, I’m temporarly back at home, but I intend to pull my share of the load and make the most of my current situation. Most of all I want to be a help and support to them as much as they are to me, which motivates and pushes me onward.

I have a bunch of younger siblings who look up to me and respect me. I cannot and will not fail them, just as I cannot a will not fail myself.

Life is beautiful, and there’s joy and happiness all around us. And I’m on a mission to find it once again.

 Who’s been the biggest support for you in your life? For me it’s definitely been my family and a few close friends. My parents and I have been through quite a few rough patches over the years, but those things have just made our relationship into what it is today.

Any Easter thoughts of your own?

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3 comments

  1. Leelu,this sounds like a good decision. I am proud of you fr being willed to fight & I assure you it’s the very best decision you could’ve made. You’re such a strong girl! 🙂
    My mom is my biggest support in life,as well as some good friends. I seriously don’t know where I was at without them right now!

  2. You’re right, changing your mentality about food will be hard… but the more you challenge yourself and the more you realize WHY you’re doing it, the easier it will get. Some people suffer for years and years in a sort of “recovery limbo” but I think they just don’t have enough motivation to keep themselves out of ED’s reach. For me, I gave up a job and a life in a new city but in return went back to school and lived at home to recuperate and it was the best decision for me — I was doing something I wanted to and had my preferred support system (my family). You can do this if you TRULY want to…

  3. I hope you are doing okay lovely, I think you really have made the right decision! I’m so glad that you have the support of your family, it’s so important – I know my family have helped me loads 🙂

    I really really hope that the changes go smoothly and that this brings you the opportunity to become happier and healthier and that you are able to start enjoying life again! You deserve it 😀


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