Second guessing.

I hate second guessing, which is why I need to make split second descisions that can be executed right away – otherwise it turns into a guessing game.

I’m back at uni, just turned in my papers to apply for a part time study plan and I’m not sure if I’m doing the right thing.

I COULD suffer through till the end of the semester and be misserable 100% of the way – but I could do it. The quiestion that is haunting me is – should I?

The facts are these:

– I’m unhappy here

– My health is on a downward spiral here

– I’ve lost any and all joy in my life, everything is done with a sense of duty.

But there’s fear – of the unknown, of finantial difficulty, of coping. It seems so much easier to just stay in the safe zone.

A quote I keep repeating to myslf is: 

When you come to the edge of all you kno and are about to take a leap into the unknown faith is that one of two things will happen – the ground will rise up to meet you or you will be taught how to fly.

What’s the most difficult descision you made?
Was it worth it?

Advertisements

3 comments

  1. I left you a long comment on your “Soul Bearing” post about my own decision to recover and having to leave a new life I started in a city clear across the US, so I won’t repeat myself. But to answer your questions, the toughest decision was in some ways inevitable (meaning it almost wasn’t that tough to make because I knew I HAD to do it). I had the same list of negatives as you, except much longer. I was also in terrible physical and mental condition.

    It was the best decision I ever made, because I feel there will be no half-assed recoveries from this point on like I had toyed with before. I went into recovery head-on because I knew I screwed up majorly, and if I had to give up everything I had and move back home to recover, I was damn sure I recovered 100% so I could never go through something like this again! Life is too precious, so you have to do what you can to fix it.

  2. My dear Leelou,
    I think that you are making the right decision regarding the part time studying. If it is an instinctive decision then there is no need to second guess yourself. Everything you have listed and every emotion evoked from it shows that you need to stop now and concentrate on you. On YOUR health. On your recovery. On the precious, lovely, Leelou, whom we all want to see strong, vibrant, healthy and happy again! I know exactly how you are feeling because I was going through the same emotions a month ago. The decision to drop the two courses and study part-time was one of the best that I made/was forced to make. It has allowed my head the reprieve to try and focus more on recovery and on life. Although things are not great and I know the reasons why and perhaps I should have stopped all courses (hind-sight), it is better than trying to exhaust myself and end up in the hospital. I wanted to keep forward. I thought I could make it. I thought that I was in my safe zone. But the truth is that the safe zone is no longer safe when it is harming us. Thank you, my angel, for that beautiful quote. I am writing it down and posting it on my wall 
    In regards to your previous posts –I think that your parents were right for not sharing their thoughts and letting you come to the decision on your own because they believe that you will make the right one for you. Huge hugs. Inner peace is such a battle on this road. One day we may feel hopeful and the next day we are filled with loneliness, despair, an anxious mind and questioning thoughts.
    Your words couldn’t express more thoroughly what I feel everyday. We are similar, haha  I love studying too. I absolutely love learning, reading, gobbling up knowledge. I do it in my spare time as it makes me happy. But all the time? Can’t make it! We all need balance. We need to go out and do things. Literally and emotionally. So I know where you are coming from when you say that when studying full time makes you miserable. This is your life and you NEED to live it in order to stay alive! Thank you for being so open to us in your post about your emotional struggles. Although it is hard to admit at times, we all need a hug and shoulders to lean on. It doesn’t make us less optimistic! On the contrary, it makes us lighter when we relief our burdens a little bit. I hope that the stomach pains are due to stress and not something more servere. Perhaps when the burden of full studying eases, they will lessen or go away. I need to reread your words to find motivation to keep going-especially this phrase, “Life isn’t supposed to be a cycle of torture and sadness – it’s meant to be enjoyed.”

    Huge hugs my dear friend. I’m sorry for not being here for you during this difficult time, but please know that I am always, always here for you and thinking of you.
    xoxo andrea

  3. You are so so brave lovely! I am sorry that I have not been around much or supporting you enough, I have been thinking about you a lot though and reading your posts. I think that you in yourself will find the right path to help you recover because Leelou, recovery is definitely the most important thing for you right now! I know what it is to struggle with your health and to not know what to do but I really think that your health and happiness need to be prioritised so do whatever you need 🙂

    Do feel free to send me a quick email if you ever want to chat, I’m here whenever you want! I really hope things work out for you because you really really deserve to be happy!! ❤


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s