Over the last few days I’ve thought long and hard about my future.
I spent a sleepless Thursday night, most of it sobbing.
I can honestly say I’ve never felt so lost and alone in my entire life.
My parents said they would not say anything until I had made my decision. They said I needed to find it within myself to do what was best for me – whatever that might be. And they were 100% right, but that didn’t make it any easier.
I was torn – between doing what I felt others expected of me and what I needed to do. It was a choice to keep on lying, pushing and punishing myself or admitting I didn’t have it all under control. I was scared of what others might think, of how they would react, of what they would say behind my back. I wanted so hard to be perfect, to do everything the “right way”, to not branch out of the norm. And although I wanted to please others, I couldn’t find peace within myself.
Finally, after a long, sleepless night I made my descision. I did it for me, for my health, for my sanity and hapiness. I realized it was pointless to keep going down a road that brought me nothing but misery. I realized I had forgotten what happiness and enjoying life was. I realized I had gotten my health to such a state that to continue on the path I was going meant slowly killing myself. I realized what I really wanted.
I love studying, I love learning and I want to be a dietition. But doing it full time in the enviroment I was in simply isn’t for me right now. I need the accountability and support of the ones around me to take care of myself. I need other things in my life – other then just study. And I need to finally focus on my health (i.e see a doctor and do some tests for my constant stomach pains). So I’m going to switch to a part time, weekend study schedule which will enable me to do all these things.
It won’t be easier, it will most probably be harder.I know have a bunch of legalities to take care of with transferring credits, leaving the dorm and tying up all the loose ends.And there’s always the issue of money involved (I will be losing the government grant for full time students) And I am slightly anxious about my upcoming doctors appointment. But I finally have peace.
I realized that this was MY LIFE and I needed to live it the way I wanted to. Why should I sacrifice my health and happiness just because I didn’t want to be veiwed as weak because I “couldn’t handle it”? Those who loved and cared about me most believe I made the right descision and support me 100%. And for the first time in a long time I feel happy – and that is worth more then anything else.
Thanks to you all for your support during this time. And hopefully from now on you have a lot more happy, upbeat posts to look forward to 🙂 You’re all the best!