Sorry I disappeared off the face of the planet for a bit. During the weekend I was working, so I ended up being so busy I didn’t even take my computer along. And then the rest of the week has been…. well rough.
I generally try to think of this blog as my happy place, I try to post positive, uplifting things. I’m the type of person that doesn’t enjoy “pitty parties”. I don’t like people feeling sorry for me, so even when I am having a problem – I prefer to get up, get over it and only talk about it when it’s over.
But right now, I’m really struggling, and I think it’s time to admit it – both to myself and to others. Since the beginning of the new semester I’ve been having a hard time coping. I feel constantly stressed , pressured and worst of all – unhappy. I feel so alienated from everything and everyone at uni – the only bright spot in my week are the weekends I get to come home. I know this isn’t the way things should be, sure life isn’t always peachy, but if you find yourself constantly unhappy for over a month , something’s gotta change.
And it’s not just mental struggles I’m going through – but physical ones as well. I’ve been having a hard time balancing my eating and am suffering through a lot of stomach troubles right now. Because of that and the fact that stress=loss of appetite for me I’ve lost a lot of weight. Like an alarming amount. I have a hard time looking at myself in the mirror these days, because I’m so thin. I’m constantly cold, fatigued, weak and have low concentration. From time to time I have heart palipitations. Yet because eating more equals almost instant discomfort and pain, I shy away from it, because I need to be able to concen And I can’t seem to find the motivation to tackle this problem.
All this has been building up for quite some time now – the feelings of being overwhelmed, overtired, and just plain unhappy – but this week has been the breaking point. I arrived at my dorm Sunday evening and something snapped. I started crying and couldn’t stop. I’m not an emotional person, so for me to cry is not a day to day occurrence, but like they say “when it rains it pours”. I felt so low I called my mom to try to talk it out. I calmed down a bit, but the next day was even worse. I was so depressed I could hardly find it in myself to do anything. I used to struggle with depression in the past, but I’ve forgotten just how debilitating it can be. Just the thought of getting up in the morning was too much to handle. And when the next day brought another breakdown, my parents advised me to come home and take a few days off.
It took a lot of persuading, but since I couldn’t do anything productive anyway, I decided that I needed a new perspective on things. I have only 1 upcoming test which I should be able to make up for later, and next week is going to be crazy, so I might as well take this time while I can – because I have a lot of things to think about.
To be honest, I’m not sure this uni is for me. I’m not sure about anything anymore, other than my health and recovery has taken a drastic turn for the worse. And that is something I’m sure of. I’m also sure of the fact that all the happiness and joy has been drained out of my life. I realized today that I don’t feel anymore, all I am is numb. I look back at the times I used to enjoy getting up in the morning and facing the challanges of the day – now all I can think of when I wake up is a to-do list and all the upcoming pressures and problems
Life isn’t supposed to be a cycle of torture and sadness – it’s meant to be enjoyed. And I need to figure out how that will work for me. I’m not a quitter, but if this isn’t for me there’s no sense for me hurting myself by trying to fulfill what I feel are other’s expectations of me. There’s a life full of options and opportunities out there, and there’s bound to be something that will make me happy and be what I love at the same time.
If it comes to studies and health and happiness – I think I know what the right choice is. I just need to figure out if it’s come to that.
If anyone has any advice or thoughts on the matter, please share them.
(And once again, sorry this isn’t so chippy chipper happy. But I think I owe it to you to be honest and let you know that I struggle sometimes as well. Because it’s ok not to be ok all the time, sometimes we need to admit that we need help so that others can help us.)