A soul baring post.

Hi everyone.

Sorry I disappeared off the face of the planet for a bit.  During the weekend I was working, so I ended up being so busy I didn’t even take my computer along. And then the rest of the week has been…. well rough.

I generally try to think of this blog as my happy place, I try to post positive, uplifting things. I’m the type of person that doesn’t enjoy “pitty parties”. I don’t like people feeling sorry for me, so even when I am having  a problem – I prefer to get up, get over it and only talk about it when it’s over.

But right now, I’m really struggling, and I think it’s time to admit it – both to myself and to others. Since the beginning of the new semester I’ve been having a hard time coping. I feel constantly stressed , pressured and worst of all – unhappy. I feel so alienated from everything and everyone at uni – the only bright spot in my week are the weekends I get to come home. I know this isn’t the way things should be, sure life isn’t always peachy, but if you find yourself constantly unhappy for over a month , something’s gotta change.

And it’s not just mental struggles I’m going through – but physical ones as well. I’ve been having a hard time balancing my eating and am suffering through a lot of stomach troubles right now. Because of that and the fact that stress=loss of appetite for me I’ve lost a lot of weight. Like an alarming amount. I have a hard time looking at myself in the mirror these days, because I’m so thin.  I’m constantly cold, fatigued, weak and have low concentration. From time to time I have heart palipitations.  Yet because eating more equals almost instant discomfort and pain, I shy away from it, because I need to be able to concen And I can’t seem to find the motivation to tackle this problem.

All this has been building up for quite some time now – the feelings of being overwhelmed, overtired, and just plain unhappy – but this week has been the breaking point. I arrived at my dorm Sunday evening and something snapped. I started crying and couldn’t stop. I’m not an emotional person, so for me to cry is not a day to day occurrence, but like they say “when it rains it pours”. I felt so low I called my mom to try to talk it out. I calmed down a bit, but the next day was even worse. I was so depressed I could hardly find it in myself to do anything.  I used to struggle with depression in the past, but I’ve forgotten just how debilitating it can be. Just the thought of getting up in the morning was too much to handle. And when the next day brought another breakdown, my parents advised me to come home and take a few days off.

It took a lot of persuading, but since I couldn’t do anything productive anyway, I decided that I needed a new perspective on things. I have only 1 upcoming test which I should be able to make up for later, and next week is going to be crazy, so I might as well take this time while I can – because I have a lot of things to think about.

To be honest, I’m not sure this uni is for me. I’m not sure about anything anymore, other than my health and recovery has taken a drastic turn for the worse. And that is something I’m sure of. I’m also sure of the fact that all the happiness and joy has been drained out of my life. I realized today that I don’t feel anymore, all I am is numb. I look back at the times I used to enjoy getting up in the morning and facing the challanges of the day – now all I can think of when I wake up is a to-do list and all the upcoming pressures and problems

Life isn’t supposed to be a cycle of torture and sadness – it’s meant to be enjoyed. And I need to figure out how that will work for me. I’m not a quitter, but if this isn’t for me there’s no sense for me hurting myself by trying to fulfill what I feel are other’s expectations of me. There’s a life full of options and opportunities out there, and there’s bound to be something that will make me happy and be what I love at the same time.

If it comes to studies and health and happiness – I think I know what the right choice is. I just need to figure out if it’s come to that.

If anyone has any advice or thoughts on the matter, please share them.

(And once again, sorry this isn’t so chippy chipper happy. But I think I owe it to you to be honest and let you know that I struggle sometimes as well. Because it’s ok not to be ok all the time, sometimes we need to admit that we need help so that others can help us.)

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8 comments

  1. Please don’t feel bad about posting your honest feelings. I can tell you for a fact that I am ever ALWAYS happy. I found myself in a similar situation as you. I was at college and everything started falling apart. I had no friends and all I wanted to do was go home. I took the semester off because it was just too overwhelming. At first I couldn’t do it, I felt like a failure, but after being home I realized that it was exactly what I needed. It gave me time to figure out what was wrong and how I could fix it. I finally figured out what I wanted from life, school, myself. So I completely relate to your feelings. Try not to be too hard on yourself, I know you are trying and that is what counts that most. I hope things get better soon. But it’s okay to not be okay. Take care. ❤

    • I second this! Well said.
      During the school year, I struggle a lot with being “perfect” and have to keep telling myself that it’s okay to not be. I’m sending you hugs and all the best my friend. Hope things will look up soon! ❤ 🙂

  2. First off,you shouldn’t apologize for writing a post like this. Just as you’ve said yourself,it is absolutely okay not to be okay all the time and you shouldn’t feel obliged to pretend being happy because that will only make it worse… And trust me,I know what I’m talking about!
    Anyhow,I can relate to your feelings and thoughts a lot. A few weeks ago,depression hit me so badly I thought I was despairing. Everything seemed too much as I hit rock bottom – mentally as well as physically – and I couldn’t think rationally anymore,too.
    I think there is no such thing as a miracle cure for this kind of problem,sadly,but I am sure it has been a good decision to go home for a couple of days in order to see something else than your dorm and university. That is possibly the most important thing in order to clear your mind a bit,which is clearly necessary!
    Never lose faith in yourself,Leelu,because you are strong & everyone knows that. You can make it through this dark time,and in the end,there will be a light at the end of the tunnel – I promise you this.
    Take care!

  3. May not be in your generation but I feel your sadness and stress! I Have a daughter in college who had great struggles her first year! And for other reasons I have had similar feelings recently as I deal with aging parents. The only thing that often helped me was to allow myself to feel the sadness, BUT would drag my self at one point in the day to write down what I was thankful for. Sometimes my list only consisted of that I was breathing but keep going. Also surround yourself with people who are up lifting! You just have to know in your heart that there is always new and exciting things in your life to come! Keep looking for the good! Good is there it my just be covered with a cloud right now!

  4. Oh hunny, I am so sorry to hear that your struggling. Life is full of ups and downs, and at times o stress we often turn back to unhealthy ways of coping. Try if you can to regain some focus, focus on all the positive things recovery brought you. If uni isn’t for you then you don’t have to stay. I am 25 and am going to uni a lot later than what most people do but this has worked out for the best as I know its a course I really want to do. their are plenty of things you can, work, travel, gain experience, focus on your recovery. why don’t you see the doctor about your stomach problems? do you get any support at all?

  5. When I first found your blog, I was living in a different city for the first time in my life. I was 23 years old (1 year ago). I was in a place I thought I would love, and was finally “free” (independent, living on my own), had a new job, was meeting new people. But… I was unhappy with my job and extremely homesick and I also came to that city with an underlying ED issue that I thought I had under control when I really didn’t.

    I only lasted 3 months until I realized I would probably die from ED-related issues since I too lost a TON of weight through restricting and over-exercising. And why did I restrict and over-exercise? Because I was slightly depressed, but my ED made my depression EVEN WORSE. I was no longer excited about the new city, my new life… I was sad, lonely, scared, and tired.

    When I admitted to my parents what was happening to me, they made me come back home. I quit my job and flew back and have been recovering ever since. I have been doing so well, and it’s because I realized what I was doing to myself and that now, I actually DO want to live and enjoy life. I will never regret the decision to come back home and get better — the only decision I regret was giving into my ED in the first place!

    Sounds to me like you’re in a very similar situation… you’re mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted and I think you need some time to focus on your health. Without it, you cannot commit to school or work because there will be no benefit from that. Please make the right decision… ❤

  6. Lee, I’m not a regular “comment” person on your blog but I think you know that you are always in my heart!
    I wish I could send some refreshing happiness your way, a gust of joy and some inner peace! Actually you know what, I’ll just send it to you thru’ the universe 🙂
    Believe me Leelu, we all have our bad days!And it’s OK to feel at the end of ourselves at times.
    I love you and wherever your choices lead you I wish you sunshine!
    xxx big kiss from a crazy friend who has been there, done that and made it through!


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