There’s something I want to talk about that I don’t feel 100% comfortable with. But I know I need support and advice so I’m reaching out.
Let’s start with some background.
When I was a kid, I had no problem spending money on snacks. Actually that’s all my pocket money was destined for. Occasionally I had higher abitions for it of course, but more often then not a protion was pre-destined for a special treat- ice-cream, chips, juice. My parents were health consiouse, so since sweets were a rarity rather then an every day occurance I always looked forward to my special treats.
Then came a time when food and everything involved with it became an enemy. Spending money on something like food was absolutely inconceivable. Aside from the mental battles and struggles that simply eating it caused, it seemed like something so unimportant and unnecessary.
Of course, that’s sheer stupidity – because food is fuel and we need it to function. But now I’m faced with a dilemma.
Coming from a big family means that a college fund was not in my future. Were it not for the fact that I got a grant from the university I would not be able to study – it’s to expensive. With the finantial situation all over the world being what it is, and my parents starting a new business to boot , they simply can’t afford to help me finantially. And I wouldn’t extect them to for the world.
The problem is the university grant BARELY covers living expenses. Meaning unless I’m EXTREMELY frugal, I won’t make ends meet. The rest will have to come out of my pocket, which is not too full at the moment. I have a part time job (I co-organize kids parties) but that’s not really a regular thing at the moment. And my study schedule right now would allow for it even if it was.
Why am I saying all this? Because the past week or so I’ve come to realize I’ve been restricting my food intake. Not to lose weight – far from it! But I feel I can’t afford to eat more then what I have “planned” out for the day. I feel guilty every time I go shopping, because a part of me can’t understand why I eat so much. I know it’s a flash –back from my old mindsets, because I don’t eat more then the average person – but it still bothers me.
At the same time, my restricting bothers me even more. My hair is falling out, my skin is dry and I’m having trouble sleeping at night – all big warning signs from my body. I don’t want to ignore them, at the same time I struggle to obey them.
Also, I’m not willing to settle for eating junk just cuz it’s cheaper. I’m not willing to completely give up on veggies, just because they don’t fill you up as well as white bread does. Nor am I willing to give up real food for ramen noodles every day, or eating just rice cakes and cheese like my roommate does. I don’t go for fancy EVER ( you see some of what I eat on here, and I think you’ll agree), but I still try to eat real food – even if the processed stuff is cheeper
Today I went shopping, and for the first time this week I let myself eat as much as I really wanted. It was A LOT, but I felt so good right afterwards. I knew it was my bodies was of saying thank you for me giving it what it needed. But then later on I had some nasty tummy troubles- my body just wasn’t used to handling that amount of food at once.
Anyhow – please feel free to give advice or knock some sense into me. I NEED to hear it.
And sorry if this wasn’t such an up-beat post. There will be happier ones coming 🙂
PS: Also, pls don’t take this to mean I’m starving or not eating at all. I AM ,just not enough I guess