It’s amazing how time flies. It seems like just yeasterday that the weather was hot and sunny, and all we were craving were fresh salads and ice-cream 🙂
Now there’s a winter chill in the air, the leaves have all but fallen and hot bowls of oatmeal and coffee are the only way some of us can drag themselves out of bed in the morning.
But beyond the changing weather and season, there’s another way I sense the passege of time. I have changed and am changing. I look back at memories of myself in the summer months and can’t help but think “Was that really me?” Was I really that girl that had to have every meal pre-planned, that would only allow herself a certain amount of “treats” in a day? Did I really look for ways to burn calories, or feel guilty if I spent a day without exercise? Were my old mentalities still so hard to fight back then?
But what baffles me even more is not knowing when that changed. Somewhere between now and then I decided to let go. I think coming to uni was a deciding factor for me. It reminded me of where my dream really were, of all the future had to offer me. The question was – was I ready?
To be honest starting out I didn’t feel ready. There are still days I don’t. But I’ve learned to reach out, to be honest- both to myself and to others- about how things really are. There are days I want to restrict, days I loathe the fact I have to “waste time” eating. However, I know how to cope with these feelings, to analyze them and recongnize them for what they are. And I’m learning how to overcome them.
These days I don’t worry about what I’m going to eat and when. I actually tend not to think about it enough, and then I’m starving hungry and realize I have nothing to eat in the house :P. These days I let other people cook for me, and don’t stress about what they did or didn’t put in the food. I actually enjoy coming home and knowing dinner is waiting for me, along with good company and a family that loves me.
I came home on Thursday night to this lovely meal – a warm chickpea, bell pepper, carrot and brocolli salad over rice. My dad made it, and it was soooo good 😉
I fry with oil now, I eat chocolate for snack, I take candy when it’s offered to me and I want it. The other day I sat with my brother and watched a movie – and ate unmeasured amounts of oil popped popcorn. And I loved every minute of the time we spent together, and nothing else mattered.
I love my life, I love my newfound freedom, I love this change – and I hope I keep changing and moving on and on. This Christmas is going to be the most wonderful yet, I know it.
Ok, sorry for that moment of nostalgia. But I think that’s it’s important to celebrate the progress that I’ve made. I started blogging probably around this time last year- on a different blog, and just to see how far I’ve come blows me away.
Once we come farther along in our process of recovery from an ED, we tend to want to bury all those old memories in the past. We don’t like the people we were back then, so we tend to distance ourselves from those memories. But if you ever want to feel strong, to know what you are capable of – look back to where you where then and where you are now. Then you’ll know beyond a shadow of a doubt you can accomplish anything.
This doesn’t just have to be applied to people with ED’s – this is for anyone who has overcome a serious obstacle in their lives of had to deal with a difficult set of circumstances. What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger, and we are all livings proofs of that fact.
Passing on the love to:
But honestly all of you people reading this deserved this award – you’re all the wonderful, amazing, incredible people and I’m really lucky to have you in my life (even if it is just through the internet). If I could I’d love to meet you all in person. All your comments and support have meant more to me then you’ll ever know. So once again- thank you!