The journey so far (operation GBB update)

The journey so far.

So quite a few days have passed since operation GBB started. I’ve actually noted quite a few changes that have come about as a result of my new initiative.

I seem instantly more hungry. I’m not sure if it’s because it’s gotten drastically colder, or I’m doing more intense work-outs, or I’m just finally allowing myself to eat more. But for the most part it doesn’t bother me. I’m just surprised at the portions I’m able to eat sometimes. I try not to overthink it, but sometimes when I compare my meals to other girls at the table (yes, I know, I know I shouldn’t do this and I really try not to) I have the biggest plate.

However, eating more has fueled one of my best runs to date. I’m not sure how far I ran, but I ran for 1 hour and 15 minutes. A record for a girl that used to barely be able to do 20. I love how powerful I feel when I am able to accomplish something like that, and it really inspires me to fuel my body properly so I can continue to do awesome things 🙂

Today I had a rather unpleasant experience though. After yeasterday’s run I wasn’t really hungry AT ALL. I forced myself to eat because I knew I needed the fuel, but because of my lack of appetite it wasn’t really enough. In the evening I got a bit peckish but I had a glass of wine with a friend and called it a night.

This morning I woke up starving – thankfully breakfast was pre-made the night before and was waiting in the fridge for me.

Protein oats with homemade peach jam and a drizzle of almond butter

Well a mere 1 ½ hours later I was starving, so I treated myself to a pretty hefty snack.

3 minute oatmeal cookie, crunchy apple and tea

But that snack didn’t hold me over as well as I would have liked – I guess my body was just trying to make up for my big run yesterday. By the time lunch rolled around I was so starving that I ate A LOT. Meaning I overate.

This was definitely not just mental , but physical as well. I had a horrible stomach ache afterwards and had to lie down for an hour. That’s when the ED mind-games started. I felt horribly guilty and hoped that what I ate would hold me over till dinner. After all it was enough food to constitute a meal AND a snack. But here I am almost four hours later and I’m hungry again. ED is yelling at me not to eat, and I’m not going to lie and say I’m not tempted to just drink a bunch of coffee and wait it out till dinner.

But f**k ED – I am not falling for this trap. If my body needs fuel it’s gonna get fuel. I am not going to restrict just to make myself feel better. I will learn from this experience and fuel up better post-workouts. I will also eat smaller, more frequent meals as opposed to big ones ot avoid stomach issues. But restricting and resorting back to ED behaviours is NOT what I’m  doing. This body is asking me to trust that it knows what it needs – and that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

Documented evidence of my snack (2 crackers, a banana and a handful of peanuts – boy ED had issues with those)

  

So score 1/0 me vs ED. In your face!

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12 comments

  1. Hooray!!! You are winning, you rock girl 🙂 I love all the positive thought that are in this post. Yes to powerful bodies, happy mind and goodbye to those damn ED thoughts!

  2. I just started to read your blog and love your candor and honestly. Congrats on pushing through with still fueling yourself. I don’t know your whole history, but wonder if the stomach problems could be related to food intolerences or possibly from working out too hard. I used to get sick after a hard or long run and was unable to eat. Of course at the time ED loved it!

  3. You go girl! You are 110% about your body wanting trust in telling you what it needs and wants! Keep doing what you’re doing … it’s working!

  4. I just started to read your blog and I love it. It’s pro-recovery, but you are honest about your struggles and feelings. I, too, am wanting to gain – I want a woman’s figure and to have a baby. It scares me when I am too hungry when I ‘think’ I shouldn’t be. It’s really hard for me to eat. I really am inspired by you and please keep us updated on how you are doing.

  5. “This body is asking me to trust that it knows what it needs – and that’s exactly what I’m going to do.” <– I love this 😀 Learning to trust my body again was one of the hardest parts of recovery for me. I had a set idea in my mind of how much i should be eating, and it would make me really uncomfortable any time my body was asking for more. I'm like… I already eat so much! How can I still be hungry and need more?! But I learned my lesson. Any time I didn't give my body what it was asking for, it rebelled and my energy and mood plummeted, so now I do my best to listen. You're doing awesome, girl 😀 Your score is going to keep going up, while ED's is going to remain at 0.

  6. This is amazing!! I’m so pleased that you are able to eat despite the stories you hear in your head! I have to admit, I am concerned about the amount you are still exercising while in weight restoration. It’s not good for your heart to exercise at a low weight. I understand that you want to mend your relationship with exercise but that really should come when you’re near your goal weight or after. I’m sorry, I probably shouldn’t say this but yeah.

    • Actually it’s something I’ve been thinking about myself recently, and it’s good to hear another opinion backing it up. Thank you for sharing your concerns with me.

  7. Pingback: Why restricting is a bad idea. | A new start


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