I don’t want to write this post.
There’s something on my mind recently that I want to share with all of you, yet a part of me wants to keep this private. It’s not that I’m ashamed of it, or that it’s so intensely private that I feel uncomfortable sharing it. But writing in here kind of sets it in stone, which is something I’m having a hard time doing now.
The topic is a sticky one for me, and that is my weight. The thing is that although I have gained weight since the beginning of my recovery, I’m still not where I should be. I know that, I can see that. Some days I’m ok with it, others I’m not. But being in Germany and seeing friends I haven’t seen in a while and hearing the comments of complete stangers made me realize something – I’m not happy being this thin.
I’ve made steps to change in the past, I’ve gone on a few “weight gain” pushes and although they did benefit me, I don’t feel I ever made any real, very noticeable progress. To be honest TRYING to gain weight is hard. Focusing on weight gain is hard for me. I tend to stick more to the attitude of “if it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t it doesn’t”. But more and more I’m realizing that this needs to change.
A friend of mine asked me recently what body I wanted. He’s into body building so he’s perpetually setting himself new and improved goals. I took a while and then I answered. I want the body I had 2 years ago, after I got over my first “fling” with an eating disorder. I was at a healthy weight, but I still looked fit and toned. But … I wanted to be happy with that body. At the time although my body was recovered, my mind wasn’t. I had rare episodes of binge eating, and would try to restrict whenever possible. Only now in hindsight can I see that I looked good, and if I had only learned to be content at that point, things would be a lot different now.
Pics of me 2 years ago
So today was officially day one of operation GBB – gain back butt :P. It’s a weird name, but I used to be very proud of my butt – it was one of my favorite body parts. Now, well let’s just say I don’t have much to speak of. I want that to change. I want people to “check me out” again. I want to look like a woman, not a teenage girl. I want those “you’re so thin” comments to stop (as much as my ED loves hearing them). I want to gain weight.
This is going to be hard, because I’m always good on these commitments in the short run, but after a while my motivation fades. That’s why I’m sharing this with all of you, and I will be talking to my friends about it as well. That way I can’t back down on this commitment – I don’t have an excuse to conveniently “forget”. I need to remember why I want this and how much better I’ll feel as a result. I want full recovery – not just mental, but physical as well.
Anyhow, thanks for reading guys. IF any of you have gone through the whole “weight gain” process or are going through it, I’d really appreciate if you have any tips, thoughts to share on the topic.
Thanks for reading – you’re all the best!