Operation GBB

I don’t want to write this post.

There’s something on my mind recently that I want to share with all of you, yet a part of me wants to keep this private. It’s not that I’m ashamed of it, or that it’s so intensely private that I feel uncomfortable sharing it. But writing in here kind of sets it in stone, which is something I’m having a hard time doing now.

The topic is a sticky one for me, and that is my weight. The thing is that although I have gained weight since the beginning of my recovery, I’m still not where I should be. I know that, I can see that. Some days I’m ok with it, others I’m not. But being in Germany and seeing friends I haven’t seen in a while and hearing the comments of complete stangers made me realize something – I’m not happy being this thin.

I’ve made steps to change in the past, I’ve gone on a few “weight gain” pushes and although they did benefit me, I don’t feel I ever made any real, very noticeable progress. To be honest TRYING to gain weight is hard. Focusing on weight gain is hard for me. I tend to stick more to the attitude of “if it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t it doesn’t”. But more and more I’m realizing that this needs to change.

A friend of mine asked me recently what body I wanted. He’s into body building so he’s perpetually setting himself new and improved goals. I took a while and then I answered. I want the body I had 2 years ago, after I got over my first “fling” with an eating disorder. I was at a healthy weight, but I still looked fit and toned. But … I wanted to be happy with that body. At the time although my body was recovered, my mind wasn’t. I had rare episodes of binge eating, and would try to restrict whenever possible. Only now in hindsight can I see that I looked good, and if I had only learned to be content at that point, things would be a lot different now.

 

Pics of me 2 years ago

 

 

 

So today was officially day one of operation GBB gain back butt :P. It’s a weird name, but I used to be very proud of my butt – it was one of my favorite body parts. Now, well let’s just say I don’t have much to speak of. I want that to change. I want people to “check me out” again. I want to look like a woman, not a teenage girl. I want those “you’re so thin” comments to stop (as much as my ED loves hearing them). I want to gain weight.

This is going to be hard, because I’m always good on these commitments in the short run, but after a while my motivation fades. That’s why I’m sharing this with all of you, and I will be talking to my friends about it as well. That way I can’t back down on this commitment – I don’t have an excuse to conveniently “forget”.  I need to remember why I want this and how much better I’ll feel as a result. I want full recovery – not just mental, but physical as well.

Anyhow, thanks for reading guys. IF any of you have gone through the whole “weight gain” process or are going through it, I’d really appreciate if you have any tips, thoughts to share on the topic.

Thanks for reading – you’re all the best!

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15 comments

  1. I am proud of you, that you share this story here, that you want to change your body and find you “happy weight” once again, that you are really searching for ways to gain back your health (and your butt too 🙂 I wish you a lot of luck on your operation GBB! I believe that talking about it is a good way of really having your aim on your mind and not losing your way. Just don´t be too tough at yourself, gaining weight is a hard and slow process and each progress counts. You will have a banging body, I am sure about that! It just won´t be in a week or a month, it will take time. But it will be so worth it!

  2. Best of luck on “operation GBB” girl! I’m going through that too, I’ve never had a butt but I’m determined to get one! 😀
    With your determination and perseverance, there’s no doubt in my mind that you WILL reach your goals, keep up the great work!! 🙂

  3. I’m in the same boat! Lets do it together 🙂
    I so easily ‘forget’ about gaining and skimp on meals/snacks, but this must end. I want my butt back!
    I want my healthy body from 2 years ago back as well.

  4. This is almost exactly what I’m going through right now! It’s probably one of the hardest things I’ve done during recovery because no one is directly forcing me to do it – it’s all on me. And that can be scary, but I agree that it’s a necessary part of taking control of our health and happiness. I’ve gained 2 pounds over the past 2.5 weeks and while that may not seem like alot, I think I’ve found a good rate for me to get used to my body and stay healthy. I think one of the most important things is to be patient, take it slow (but not too slow!), and give yourself plenty of praise and positive thoughts when you do gain.
    Good luck, my dear!!

  5. I want to wish you the best of luck and I love the name. Gaining weight for me was hard but I just did it by, well, having my boyfriend basically force cake down my throat. At first it wasn’t a conscious choice to eat more and gain weight. I did it because I had to, but as time went by I started enjoying the food and wanting to eat more and not feeling too guilty about it. It took some time but I got there. Good luck!
    🙂

  6. I love this post! I’m proud of you for putting yourself out there and posting this- we all support you! 🙂 I am actively trying to gain weight right now, too- I am sick of looking like a child- I want to look like a woman! I am starting to gain weight and am loving it- the ED voice may give me a hard time, but my desire to look and feel healthy wins over my distorted thoughts. You go girl!!!

  7. I’m in the same boat as you! I’m eating more, exercising way less, and have gained some weight, so recovery SEEMS to be going pretty well… especially considering I’ve done an amazing job ignoring the ED voices in my head and don’t feel nearly as guilty as I did in the beginning. But… well, “butt” I should say! Haha. I too am working on gaining that “asset” as well, but I think I’m in the early stages of recovery still where most of the weight is still technically water weight and is centered on my abdomen. I feel really disproportional now and it doesn’t make me feel great because I know I’m still in that in-between phase: I’m not sickly thin, and I’m not “healthy/average” yet… just kind of… weird looking I guess! lol. Hmm… but yeah. We have similar goals! With time, we’ll get there 😉

    Just like losing weight didn’t happen over night, gaining weight won’t either! It’s all a process.

    Take care!

  8. WOW! You are amazing for doing this. With this attitude you will DEFF get far and reach your goal. It may not be easy getting there and it will feel WEIRD but slowly I think you will be living a much happier and healthier life. Who knows maybe you will feel stronger as well?

    xx

  9. Get that plan into action girl!!! I so admire all the ladies who have decided to do whats best for them and get healthy! I’ve always been small boned (family thing i think) but have been thinking about gaining a few pounds recently too especially as the chilly months are coming up! You are gonna have such a strong and gorgeous bod after you’ve gained some sexy weight 😉 I wish you all the best!

  10. I admire you so …SO much.
    I have no words of advice — I am stuck in the muck and mire of weight recovery butnot mind recovery as you described above.

    When you wrote you wish you would have just accepted that and stuck it out it hit home with me. You rock.

  11. Pingback: The journey so far (operation GBB update) | A new start


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