I don’t know if this is true (feel free to correct me if it’s not), but some of you might be under the impression that I am almost completely recovered. This isn’t exactly true. I am on the road to recovery. I like to think I’m near the end of that road, but to say that I see the “finish line” already would be lying – both to myself and to you.
I am a work in progress. Looking back on posts from my old blog I see exactly how far I’ve come, and all the ways I’ve changed over the past year. And it’s amazing and inspirining for me to look back and see just how much progress I’ve made. I’m at a place now I never believed I would be able to achieve, and that fact in itself is worth celebrating.
At the same time I know I’m not 100% recovered. I still struggle occasionally with ED thoughts. I occasionally feel guilty over food I’ve eaten, or feel uncomfortable knowing I didn’t get much physical activity during the day. There are foods that I still can’t bring myself to eat, and although I am challenging those “fear foods” one by one – it’s a process. And I just wanted you all to know that.
The great thing about being in a place that has so much history for you (the place I am staying in now) is that all your accomplishments stand out so much more. At the beginning it was hard, and at moments I wasn’t sure if I was strong enough. Turns out that I was, and more then that, I’m loving the feeling of empowerment I get by defying the “old me” and doing what I never used to do before. Little things like grabbing a night snack if I need it, or stopping a work out after only 45 minutes, or letting myself eat what I want and when I want were unthinkable to me before, but they are now a daily occurrence. And that makes me feel very proud.
But at the moment there are a few things I am struggling with. One is the notion I’m eating too much fruit. I’m eating about 4 servings a day – which I feel bad about. I CRAVE that fruit, they have it at the place I work and fruit salad is always served with lunch. When I need a quick snack, fruit is the easiest thing in reach. But at the end of every day I second guess myself – is eating that much really healthy. Today for instance I had 1 large banana, an orange, a nectarine and a few watermellon bites (not at once mind you, spread out over the course of the day). Sure it’s what I crave, but maybe I’m actually just eating it cuz it’s there?
Another thing I’m struggling with a little bit is my body image. I’ve gained weight since being here. Sometimes that bothers me, other times it doesn’t. But it doesn’t make eating what I feel like any easier. I feel that since I’m working out and gaining without trying, something must be wrong.
And I’m trying to keep a healthy balance with my workouts. So far this is going well, but I feel that I could easily let it get out of hand if I’m not careful. At the end of some work-outs I feel guilty for not being as tired as I’d like to me (idiotic, I know).
There, all the cards are on the table. Sorry if I disappointed anyone that thought I was at a better place. I am at a better place, just not the best place yet. But I know I’ll get there someday if I don’t give up. And I won’t!
Btw thank you all for your advice and support regarding my goals. I think I’ll start a combination of cardio/strength training, because that’s what most of you suggested. Besides, I like variety and just one or the other might get a little boring.