A work in progress

I don’t know if this is true (feel free to correct me if it’s not), but some of you might be under the impression that I am almost completely recovered. This isn’t exactly true.  I am on the road to recovery. I like to think I’m near the end of that road, but to say that I see the “finish line” already would be lying – both to myself and to you.

I am a work in progress. Looking back on posts from my old blog I see exactly how far I’ve come, and all the ways I’ve changed over the past year. And it’s amazing and inspirining for me to look back and see just how much progress I’ve made. I’m at a place now I never believed I would be able to achieve, and that fact in itself is worth celebrating.

At the same time I know I’m not 100% recovered. I still struggle occasionally with ED thoughts. I occasionally feel guilty over food I’ve eaten, or feel uncomfortable knowing I didn’t get much physical activity during the day. There are foods that I still can’t bring myself to eat, and although I am challenging those “fear foods” one by one – it’s a process. And I just wanted you all to know that.

The great thing about being in a place that has so much history for you (the place I am staying in now) is that all your accomplishments stand out so much more. At the beginning it was hard, and at moments I wasn’t sure if I was strong enough. Turns out that I was, and more then that, I’m loving the feeling of empowerment I get by defying the “old me” and doing what I never used to do before.  Little things like grabbing a night snack if I need it, or stopping a work out after only 45 minutes, or letting myself eat what I want and when I want were unthinkable to me before, but they are now a daily occurrence. And that makes me feel very proud.

But at the moment there are a few things I am struggling with. One is the notion I’m eating too much fruit. I’m eating about 4 servings a day – which I feel bad about. I CRAVE that fruit, they have it at the place I work and fruit salad is always served with lunch. When I need a quick snack, fruit is the easiest thing in reach. But at the end of every day I second guess myself – is eating that much really healthy. Today for instance I had 1 large banana, an orange, a nectarine and a few watermellon bites (not at once mind you, spread out over the course of the day). Sure it’s what I crave, but maybe I’m actually just eating it cuz it’s there?

Another thing I’m struggling with a little bit is my body image. I’ve gained weight since being here. Sometimes that bothers me, other times it doesn’t. But it doesn’t make eating what I feel like any easier. I feel that since I’m working out and gaining without trying, something must be wrong.

And I’m trying to keep a healthy balance with my workouts. So far this is going well, but I feel that I could easily let it get out of hand if I’m not careful. At the end of some work-outs I feel guilty for not being as tired as I’d like to me (idiotic, I know).

There, all the cards are on the table. Sorry if I disappointed anyone that thought I was at a better place. I am at a better place, just not the best place yet. But I know I’ll get there someday if I don’t give up. And I won’t!

 

Btw thank you all for your advice and support regarding my goals. I think I’ll start a combination of cardio/strength training, because that’s what most of you suggested. Besides, I like variety and just one or the other might get a little boring.

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10 comments

  1. No disappointment here, really!! Girl, you are amazing and I admire you so much for all the progress you have achieved. No matter if you are still a “work in progress” or reaching the finishing line, you are working on yourself and that´s what matters. It is perfectly normal that you are still struggling with thoughts and that you are insecure every now and then. It will all sort out, believe me. You just have to find a lot of inner strength and I feel there is a lot of power in you ❤

  2. Hey hun,

    You really have no one to apologise to this is your blog and people can choose or not to read it. I admire you for being honest and just want to say you are not alone. I know I’m not fully recovered I still have a long way to go but that doesn’t mean I can’t blog about recovery and recovery is a work in process.

    I know its easier saud than done but try not to feel bad about the fruit as its way healthier than eating say 5 portions of crisps in fact the recent nutritional guidelines is that we need more fruit and veg. It has vitamins and minerals that your body needs whilst recovering.

    Xxx

  3. Girl, you should never have to apologize for how you’re doing in recovery. Look at how far you’ve come. Look at all the progress you’ve made. Sure there might still be things that you struggle with, but I’m pretty sure everyone deals with negative thoughts at times… the most important thing is whether or not you act on them. Don’t be so hard on yourself 🙂 And don’t worry about all of the fruit, either. I eat a tonne of the stuff, and I’ve never felt better. There are people who’s entire diets revolve around fruit, so I say if that’s what your body is craving, then that’s what it should get 😀

  4. You don’t have to apologise. I know it’s pretty impossible to get completely recovered in a year. I am glad to hear that you are at a better place even if it’s not the best place just yet. It’s still good.

    I have the same feeling all the time where if I’m gaining weight without trying then something must be wrong. You are really an inspiritation to me and a lot of people. I know you can get through this. As always, I wish you the very best.

  5. Don’t feel bad! It’s great to see that you have come this far in your recovery already. What matters is you are working towards a better future, and ridding ed out of your life, not how close you are to the ‘finish line’. Who knows, maybe there is no finish line.
    & I eat like 7+ serving of fruit per day, its so yummy! no worries 🙂

  6. No apologies necessary here, you’ve done a spectacularly job in your recovery! Keep up the great work girl, you will make it one day!! 🙂
    and I eat my weight in apples everyday, so no worries heehee 😉

  7. Learning to accept yourself and who you are will help out a lot. I’m not saying you don’t do either, but you’re too hard on yourself! I hope you don’t feel like you have to apologize for photos or blog content, they’re both good enough to keep readers happy as they are.

    Don’t worry about the fruit thing. Like someone above mentioned, it’s better than grabbing 6 Twinkies throughout the day and if life is keeping you on the go and fruit is convenient and easy for you to take and it fills you up and makes you happy, then who cares!? Enjoy it! 😀

    You’ve also been making lots of great strides and you’re an inspiration to many who are struggling to tackle their triggers head on. I feel guilty if I’m not wiped out after a workout too, but the more I tell myself that it’s OK to not feel that way after a work out, the more I’m beginning to believe it and get over having to reach that exhaustion.

    Just keep working at it, you’re doing more than anyone can ask and I believe you’re progressing outstandingly! ^_^

  8. I found myself feeling the same way about not working “hard enough” during a workout. I thought “Oh my abs aren’t sore, I must need to do more.” Um, NO! Fortunately, I was able to stop and I’m so glad your able to too.
    And don’t apologize for not being completely recovered. I would think most people (myself included) would be lying to themselves if they thought they didn’t have work to do in recovery, even after years and years. You are doing amazing, regardless.
    And fruit is amazing!! As long as it’s not causing any “ahem” digestive upset, I’d say to eat as much as you want!

  9. I think it was a great idea to write this post. When I was writing on my old blog, people would get the idea the life was dandy and that I was very nearly recovered. I really wish that was the truth but it isn’t.

    When it comes to working out and still gaining, I got past the point where I no longer needed to gain, I was exercising healthfully and I was still gaining. I don’t even know if I’m still gaining anymore because I’ve ditched the scale. I just can’t bare to see the number anymore and it frightens me that my mental state has gone backwards a bit but at least my actions have not.

    If you’re gaining while still exercising it’s because your body NEEDS more weight. If you’re body stopped gaining it would either be because you simply weren’t eating enough or your body had reached its set point. Eventually your weight will even out and plateau and you’ll be able to eat what you want and not gain. I’m still waiting to find my body’s set point and I’m trying to come to terms with the shape of my body but like you, I’m still a work in progress.

    Don’t worry about the fruit you’re eating. Honestly, in the grand scheme of things, fruit should be the last thing you worry about overdoing. If you crave it, eat it. When you’re supposed to be gaining does it really matter? Not that fruit makes you gain weight…

    You’re doing so great & never forget that 🙂

    xxx

  10. Girl, you have come so far! There is no need to appologize. I know I myself have hard times with that, but I have to just remind myself of how far I’ve come.

    Oh, and the “not-feeling-tired” is just your muscles getting stronger, which is a good thing! I know how you feel with not feeling exhausted — and thinking I need to do more, but no, my body needs rest.


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