I keep trying to write this post, only to delete the first few lines after a write them. My mind is so all over the place right now. I guess I’m so happy the stress that was bothering me all last week is over – and there’s a lot of excitement on the horizon. For one, I’ve gotten a drivers license. It took a few tries, but I’m so happy that I didn’t give up. The things that mean a lot to you are always worth fighting for, and this most certainly was.
I keep thinking about how happy I am that I chose recovery over the life I was living before.I was reading over an old journal of mine that I kept in the beginning of my recovery – and it’s so sad how trapped I was in the life I was living. If you could call obsessing over food, counting calories and being perpetually terrified of food a life. It’s hard for me to imagine that this was all I thought about, all I dreamed about, all I wanted out of life. The only thing that would bring satisfaction was seeing that scale go lower – how pathetic is that? And the really sad thing was that I kept wanting to quit, to give up, to run back into the security I have known. But I didn’t – with the help of others and a good deal of self determination I made it. And I will never regret the fight it took to get here.
Struggles and even failures teach you a lot about yourself if you’ll let them. You learn if from your mistakes you rarely end up making the same ones again. And more then that you can pass on the knowlage you gained through your experiences to others. You learn things about yourself as well – how much determination and will power you have, how you should react to setbacks and difficulties. In the moments of intense struggle you realize what it is you really want to achieve. The important thing is to never, ever give up.
Fighting for something isn’t easy – that’s why it’s called fighting. If every time we truly wanted something we simply reached out for what we wanted and achieved it, I dare say things would be worth a whole lot less to us. It’s when you really give your all for something is when you are able to truly celebrate it’s worth. Like they say – it’s not always about the destination, but the journey it took to get you there.
Fighting means different things for different people. For some people achieving their goals means fighting against themselves and their own limitations. For others it means persevering regardless of what others think because deep inside they known they’re doing the right thing. For others it means holding on, even when nothing seems to be turning out the way we hope. But for all of us it means knowing what we want, and not giving up before we achieve it – no matter what the cost. Because believe me , the taste of victory blocks out almost all the pain of the battle.
(In the course of the day I was able to celebrate several of recoveries little victories – a family picnic in the park, a lot of ice-cream because I wanted it, wearing shorts for the first time in over a year . Little things, maybe, but certainly things that make recovery worth fighting for me)
I’m still fighting, but the goal of total recovery is something I can almost taste. I intent to study to become a dietitian and despite my currently problematic financial situation I am determined to find a way. I have come so far already that I know that anything I truly wish for is within my grasp, as long as I am willing to do what it takes to get it.
What is something you really had to fight or struggle to achieve? Do you feel it has made you different in any way? And (this is almost a rhetorical question) was it worth it.