Often times I want this blog to portray who I want to be as opposed to who I am. I write on the days I feel happy and positive – days the sun is shining, the birds are singing and it feels good to be alive. On days when I struggle, days I feel lost and alone, days I don’t know where my life has headed I try to hide from the world. They say laugh and the world laughs with you – cry and you cry alone – and I believe that’s true. So I try to keep things as positive as possible around here, and keep the uglier side as obscured from view as possible.
But in life we all face hardships and difficulties, we all face set backs and disappointments. We all experience failure, disappointment, hurt. It’s a part of life. And sometimes we need to forget about that smiling face and reach out to those around us – those who want nothing more then to help and support us if we will only let them.
For the past few days I’ve been really struggling. I’ve been experiencing depression, a sense of hopelessness and loneliness. In my attempt to keep up a “positive attitude” I’ve alienated myself from those around me that could help me. Instead of reaching out I’ve pulled back – and I’ve been slowly paying the price.
I find myself slipping back to old coping mechanisms and habits. These aren’t even necessarily even ED related – although some most certainly are. But related to my eating disorder or not , they are all negative. Negative and addicting all the same.
Without going into too much detail I will say I have used alcohol as a coping mechanism in times past. Not to an extreme by any ones standards – but alcohol is never an appropriate way of dealing with ones emotion. And once I start the cycle of drinking to forget my troubles it becomes a cycle that’s hard for me to break out of.
But enough is enough. I am the one responsible for ending this cycle and I am the one that will. No matter how tough things are, or how dark and dreary my future looks engaging in my negative coping mechanisms will not make anything better. I may not be able to control my circumstances – but I DO control my attitude towards them. They say the world looks brighter when you wear and smile – and I’m determined to let some light back into my life.
Aside from that I am reaching out to family and friends who are able to help. I’ve come to realize there’s no shame in asking for support when you need it. It takes a strong man to get up when he falls, but an even stronger man to ask for others to help pull him up.
So, no, my life isn’t always peachy. I still struggle through recovery, I still have days I crave for the numbing restriction gives me. Urges come and go, but I choose not to give into them . I choose to hold on and keep holding on, no matter what.
Ps: Thank you all for your encouragment on my last post. Reading them has given me more then enough motivation to keep pushing through my current difficulties and making steps in the right direction.