Keep holding on.

Often times I want this blog to portray who I want to be as opposed to who I am. I write on the days I feel happy and positive – days the sun is shining, the birds are singing and it feels good to be alive. On days when I struggle, days I feel lost and alone, days I don’t know where my life has headed I try to hide from the world. They say laugh and the world laughs with you – cry and you cry alone – and I believe that’s true. So I try to keep things as positive as possible around here, and keep the uglier side as obscured from view as possible.

 

But in life we all face hardships and difficulties, we all face set backs and disappointments. We all experience failure, disappointment, hurt. It’s a part of life. And sometimes we need to forget about that smiling face and reach out to those around us – those who want nothing more then to help and support us if we will only let them.

For the past few days I’ve been really struggling. I’ve been experiencing depression, a sense of hopelessness and loneliness. In my attempt to keep up a “positive attitude” I’ve alienated myself from those around me that could help me. Instead of reaching out I’ve pulled back – and I’ve been slowly paying the price.

I find myself slipping back to old coping mechanisms and habits. These aren’t even necessarily even ED related – although some most certainly are. But related to my eating disorder or not , they are all negative. Negative and addicting all the same.

Without going into too much detail I will say I have used alcohol as a coping mechanism in times past. Not to an extreme by any ones standards – but alcohol is never an appropriate way of dealing with ones emotion. And once I start the cycle of drinking to forget my troubles it becomes a cycle that’s hard for me to break out of.

But enough is enough. I am the one responsible for ending this cycle and I am the one that will. No matter how tough things are, or how dark and dreary my future looks engaging in my negative coping mechanisms will not make anything better. I may not be able to control my circumstances – but I DO control my attitude towards them. They say the world looks brighter when you wear and smile – and I’m determined to let some light back into my life.

Aside from that I am reaching out to family and friends who are able to help. I’ve come to realize there’s  no shame in asking for support when you need it. It takes a strong man to get up when he falls, but an even stronger man to ask for others to help pull him up.

 

So, no, my life isn’t always peachy. I still struggle through recovery, I still have days I crave for the numbing restriction gives me. Urges come and go, but I choose not to give into them . I choose to hold on and keep holding on, no matter what.

 

Ps: Thank you all for your encouragment on my last post. Reading them has given me more then enough motivation to keep pushing through my current difficulties and making steps in the right direction.

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7 comments

  1. I keep my fingers crossed for you to stay strong and really keep holding on! You are a brave girl to write this all and to deal with such things. There are always good times and bad times and even if it is hard, we should try to take the bad ones as something good as well. At least we can learn from it something more about us and we have a “measure” to compare our good days with. I can relate to the alcohol issue, I never really “abused” alcohol, but I used to drink it as a way of getting out of problems… And I hated every single moment of it, that´s why I stopped drinking alcohol at all and now I rarely touch it. Unfortunately most of the coping mechanisms that come quickly on hand are destructive to some extand… but fortunatelly, as you have stated, there are friends, family, those are the people you can reach to and rely on. And there is really no shame in reaching for help, being it a friend´s or professional´s helping hand. Some struggles are just too hard to deal with them alone. I am sending you some of the positive energy that´s in the air here today, so I hope it´ll make your day a bit brighter! ❤

  2. I am experiencing some slippage as well, and using old coping mechanisms, even though I know they will only make matter worse. You are so right, that in asking for help is only a sign of strength, not weakness. We create our future through the actions we choose. Thinking of you! & always here to talk. ❤

  3. You are very strong and I hope you can get through this quickly and successfully. It seems this is the time for slipping and falling; I just got through my own. Ask for help and stay strong. I wish you all the best.

  4. Thank you for your honesty.
    Keep going, girl! You are strong and beautiful inside and out and I know that you can get through this rough patch.
    I’ll be thinking of you.

  5. We all have our ups and downs and look to comfort in those habits we know provide us reassurance, so never feel alone when you’re feeling down. Don’t forget we’re here for you and we do care about what’s going on. I think it’s extremely important to blog about both the good and bad times; thanks for opening up and keep strong, I’m open to talk if you ever need some help!!

    ^_^

  6. I am SO glad you wrote this post – it is so honest and heartfelt, and I definitely think it’s true that it’s easier to pretend that everything is okay in our lives (especially on a public forum like a blog) than to make ourselves vulnerable by admitting that we are going through difficulties. but i am glad you did, because i’m sure writing this post was therapeutic, and also – i think many of us can empathize with you. i’m sorry that you are struggling right now, but it seems like you really do understand that your attitude, your mental state, is what matters – and reaching out seems to be such a great solution instead of recoiling into yourself and letting old habits resurface. praying for ya girl.

  7. Keep staying strong<3 You're doing a wonderful job! We all have our up and down days. Just focus on those good times and how you felt during those good times 🙂 That always helps me. I'm glad you can recognize that you've been struggling and you want to deal with it in a positive way. If you need anything feel free to email me 🙂


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