Restoring a relationship with food.

This post has been on the tip of my tongue (can you even say that when blogging) for a few days now, but it’s hard to put on paper. It’s a topic that I find very relevant and might be of interest to some of you as well.

I want to talk about restoring a relationship with food after a period of disordered eating. And by disordered I’m not talking about the typical eating disorders of anorexia and bulimia – you can have a disordered eating pattern just from going through a stage of extreme dieting, or from being orthorexic. Although my own personal experiences are based on recovering from anorexia – I think some things are just universaly true.

First off, restoring a proper relationship with food takes time. The longer you’ve had disordered eating patterns the longer it takes. It makes sense – it takes time to break those bad habits and negative thought patterns you’ve put around food. It takes time to realize food is fuel -there is no “good” and “bad” food. It takes time to come to grips with how far you’ve ventured from what healthy really is or should be, but this is really a crucial part in the whole equation. So be patient, give yourself time. Don’t expect to wake up in the morning and for things to all of a sudden be ok – because it doesn’t work like that.

Start with little baby steps. Once you realize just how far you’v ventured and how far you have to go to reach “normalicy” things seem pretty overwhelming. Don’t try tackling everything at once (for instance introducing fear foods, breaking compulsive eatings habits, eating in front of people and not sticking to set meal times). There were times I’ve felt so “mototivated” I tried doing everything at once only to quit a short time later because it was too much to handle at once. Remember – it’s a sprint and not a marathon and if you consistently make little baby steps one day at a time, you will get there in the end.

Don’t expect it to go the way you want it to. When I was so stuck on recovering the “right way” and changing my eating habits the way I wanted to – I never got anywhere. I only really started making progress when I gave it the “skrew it all” mentality and just ate food. And no – it’s no easy. And there were days I ate too little, and days I ate too much, days I binged and days I ate completely irrationaly. But only through those experiences did I learn and make progress. And though it was sometimes hard, in hindsight I see it couldn’t have been any other way,

Don’t be too hard on yourself. When going through all of this you might feel like the only one out there with these problems – the only one that has these crazy cravings or hunger or whatever else you’re experiencing. There were times that all I was going through made me feel like the scum of the earth (particuarly binging tends to trigger these sorts of feelings). But realize that if anyone went though what you went through – chances are they’d react the same way. If you gave a starving child from a 3 world country normal portions of food he’d react in the same way. He’d eat small amounts when his stomach was still so shrunk he couldn’t handle any more, but as soon as he could eat more he’d most likely start “binging” on 3000+ calories of food a day, because his body was crying out for fuel to repair the damage that had been done. Would you judge him for behaving this way? Not one bit. So why are you being so hard on yourself.

They don’t need to “control” their eating habits and neither do you.

Keep the end goal in sight. Recovering from disordered eating is a long and tiering process. You will feel like quitting more then once before you reach the end of your journey. But never forget where you’re going – to a place where food no longer controls your life, a place where in equals not just fuel but enjoyment as well, a place where guilt and anxiety no longer have a seat at the dinner table. It takes a while to get there – but let me tell you, once you do it is awesome! All the work it took to get you there seems like nothing compared to the freedom you feel. I’m still just getting a taste of all this – but I have a feeling it only gets better from here on out.

Any thoughts/tips on restoring a healthy relationship with food? If you have struggled with disordered eating in the past – what was something that helped you develop healthy habits again?

Never did I ever

• Never did I ever think I would see my weight gradually rising – when at a healthy weight and be 100% ok with it (ok so maybe 99%, but it’s still good )
• Never did I ever think I would be able to buy a chocolate bar and snack on it- just because I wanted to
• Never did I ever think I would end up looking forward to eating delicious meaty dishes
• Never did I ever think I would be so upset over someone throwing away my coconut oil (FAT!!!) cuz “hey, I was planning to eat ALL of that”

You will be missed  :(

• Never did I ever think I would exercise less then 3 times a week and be ok with it
• Never did I ever think I would end up snacking on two tablespoons of raw honey straight out of the jar (the sugar!!! the horror ) Yes, I did in fact take this picture at work, and if anyone saw me I’m sure they think I’m a total whack job
• Never did I ever think I would randomly take a picture of myself in honor of my new and improved body with no makeup/primping done and put it on the internet (Still tough for me not to pick my body apart in this picture, but I think it’s awesome I have hips again:D)
•  Never did I ever think I’d be this free of an ED
• Never did I ever think I would end up blogging for two whole years – but here I am.                                                                          Happy 2 year blogversary to “A new start“.

 

Truth be told I wasn’t even planing on writing this post, till I saw a reminder from wordpress congratulating me on my 2nd blog anaversary and I figured – I owe this blog a little something

What is something you thought you’d never do?

Midnight musings

Recently I’ve been doing some thinking…. about myself, recovery, and life in general.

Real recovery is like ripping off a bandaid.

Those of you who have been following this blog for a while have seen my ups and downs. I went from thinking everything was ok, into one of the worst relapses yet, and back here again. And all I can say is – what a journey. I believe everything in this life happens for a reason, and although there are things I know now I wish I had known then, I trust that someday I will see the sense in it all.

Ironically I’ve also come to realize that when I seemed to have the things mostly together – was actually the point I was still really ill. It was just before I started studying, before the first year of uni. I was eating soooo healthy all the time, I was exercising , everything was planned and under control. Heck if you didn’t know me that well you might actually belive that facade. Unfortunatly, nothing could be further from the truth. I had never recovered from my last relapse – I had simply gone into remission. And with recovery there is no standing still, you are either moving forward or slipping back.

Real recovery only really started this summer, when I finally realized I had a problem. And that’s when the shit really hit the fan (excuse the language). It’s when the carefully constructed world started tubling down around me, the facade I fought so hard to keep up just came crashing down. And all that control I had – I gave it up. And then started the cycle of restricted eating/binge eating, healthy and unhealthy diets and everything in between. But I learned, I grew and I moved forward and I continue to do so day by day.

While I was in “remission” I might call it – it was almost like being in an abusive relationship. You try to pretend everything is fine for the benefit of those around you, and after a while you live that live so long you actually believe it. But you stay in that relationship because it provides you with security – it’s something you already know. Only when you leave do you realize just how much it ruined you, how emotionally shattered and vulnerable you are. But only then do you have the chance to be really, truly happy.

I’m still picking up the peices to be honest. Although my body may be healthy, my mind isn’t there yet. I’m still learning to accept, adjust and love the new me. I’m still trying to find myself without the “skinny girl” identity.  It’s not easy, I still have days I break down and cry, days I want to run back to the old “me” again, even days I just don’t want to face the world. But do I regret recovery – never once.

Recovery is a bitch. Like ripping off a bandaid there is lots of pain and tears involved. There’s no use pretending it’s any other way. But only once that’s done can we truly begin to heal. And only then will we ever know what true happiness is.

 

 

 

I am a survivior

A bad day does not mean I am destined for a bad life.

Feeling fat does not equal being fat.

Overeating one day does not mean I am a binge eater.

Feeling defeated doesn’t mean I’m quitting.

I’m a survivor!

 

I skrewed up – I’m moving on….

I am going to rest now in order to be kind to my body. Then I am going to do some light yoga to calm my mind. In the evening I will drink a hot tea, and read a book. And before bed I will thank God for the fact that I have food to eat, clothes to wear, a family that loves me and for sending setbacks my way that teach me to be strong.

No one said it would be easy – they just said it would be worth it. And I am in this for the long  haul, come hell or high water.

Jumping off the cliff.

In thinking about it today, I realized that I reached a cross road in my recovery.

Physically, I’m in a much better place then I was in the beggining of summer. I’ve put on a significant amount of weight, and  that makes me happy (most of the time). I have more energy, I feel better most of the time. I have much fewer fear foods then I did, I am not such a health freak as I was before. I eat what I like, when I like. I eat less veggies and focus a bit more on other food groups.I haven’t done any seriouse cardio exercise in a LONG time and I don’t count calories or obsess about exchanges.

But I’m at a cross roads. I’m so close to full recovery, I can almost taste it.  And I want it, I want to keep moving forward, but I lack the motivation. Not that I lack the motivation , but I need something to give me that extra push. It’s strange because a part of me wants me to start working out again, wants me to start obsessing about gaining JUST muscle and no fat. Of eating 100% clean and not allowing myself a bunch of things. I part of me wants so bad to grab onto that security blanket that my ED was. And then the other part just wants to fling myself into recovery full force. To eat what I want, when I want.  To not think about food or calories, or how much weight I’m gaining, where I’m gaining. To just live.

The quiestion remains – why don’t I? Why don’t I embrace life? What don’t I throw myself into it full force and just let it take me where it wants to. The answer is – because I’m scared. I’m scared of life. I developed an ED to cope with the fact that my world felt shattered, the I was unhappy with my life and I felt trapped.  And although a lot has changed since that time, not everything has.

I still am not really happy with my life. I have my studies, I have a job…. and yet I feel somehow empty. I lack the joy of life. It’s something that my ED + an abusive relationship took away from me, and I don’t know where to find it anymore. I know that happiness is all around us, we just have to go and find it. But where do I look? I haven’t known for a while – so I’ve resorted to watching the scale go down, to being perfect in every way possible to try to fill that empty void. When that failed I pushed myself past breaking point to try to forget the things that still haunt me. To forget that I never feel good enough, that I feel like I’m not loved, to feel so lost in my own life.

I’m afraid of letting go, because I don’t know if I’ll be strong enough on my own to cope with life. What if I never find who I’m supposed to be, and what I’m supposed to do? What if I never find anyone to love me? What if I never find happiness? How will I deal with that.

I know you never know until you try… but it’s so terrifing. Feels like I’m jumping off a cliff with no safety net. And I’m not sure if I’m brave enough to take that leap.

But what if?

What if it is worth it? What if letting go is the key to happiness? What if I find joy in my life again? What if this is the only way to move forward with my life and realize my dreams.

This was taken a day after my release from the hospital (I had hit my target weight)

 

 

Taken about 2 years ago when we first moved here.

I think it’s pretty obviouse which girl looks better/happier. I’m just not sure how to get there again….

“Faith is jumping off a cliff and knowing that one of two things will happen – that the ground will rise up beneath you, or you will be taught how to fly.”

I need to make that jump….

I’m ok.

Ok, before I say anything else.

Thank you all so so so much for commenting on my last post. It’s an issue that I’ve struggled with for a while now and that I was really ashamed of, so to hear that most of you have gone through the same thing was like a massive weight being lifted off my shoulders. All of a sudden I realized I wasn’t a “freak” and the heck – if others have been through this and come out ok, so can I.

 

I’ve read each one of your comments and taken them all to heart. Each comment brought out a different aspect of the situation I’m in, and each word of advice was helpful. I’ve spent a few nights reevalating my eating habits, my recovery efforts etc. and I’ve come to some realizations.

 

1. I tend to use food as a coping mechanism – no doubt about that. It’s not that this in itself is such a bad things – it’s just that it doesn’t work for me. So I overdo it and crash and burn at the end. One day when I was feeling stressed and munchie I decided to do yoga instead and afterwards had a proper snack. All binge urges went away and I realized how much of a mind game this all is.

 

2. I don’t eat enough. Plain and simple. Sure, I’ve gained over the last few months – but I have more to go. And often I don’t have time to eat, or skip eating for convenience sake, or don’t eat enough proper food. So binging is a biological response for me under eating and my body screaming “Please feed me!!!”

 

3.  Binging will happen during recovery. Apparently, according to some research I’ve done – it’s normal and happens to most people who have been severely underfed and are underweights. It’s your bodies way of  making sure you get enough fuel ahead of time, it’s due to messed up hormones (leptin) and lots of other causes. So extreme hunger is just part of the game when it comes to recovery.

 

So knowing all this now, what am I going to do about it?

Although I know binges aren’t all together bad and my body probably needs the extra fuel – it messes up my stomach so I can’t eat properly for the next day or so. So it’s kind of a 3 steps forward, one step back type of thing. While I’m willing to deal with it once in a while as a normal step of recovery, I’d rather it be a rarer then not occurrence. Right now I’ve upped my protein which is helping as well as PB intake. I’m focusing on eating proper breakfasts in the morning (one of the few times I’m at home for my meals) and generally trying to keep the right balance of all food groups. When I feel a binge is emotional rather than physical I’m trying to go out of the house and find other ways to de-stress other than food.

 

But the truth of the matter is – I need to increase my food intake. And I’m scared. Recently I never eat till I’m full, because I don’t know where full is – and I have a hard time differentiating between real hunger and psychological hunger. But I know I could do more, I should push harder. I also know a part of me is afraid of letting go completely.

 

Afraid I’ll never stop, afraid this will go on forever, afraid my body will freak out and I’ll be in horrible pain or that my eating patterns will never normalize. Afraid that one ED will merge into the next.  Just plain afraid of the unknown.

 

But recovery means stepping into the unknown. It means giving up control – no matter what the cost. It means being willing to sacrifice for health, it means giving it a priority in your life. It means pushing forward.

But am I brave enough? Am I strong enough? Can I handle it?

 

Time will tell

 

I’m also wondering if I should reach out to my parents about this? I want to tell someone so they can help to safeguard me in a fine line between binging/eating what I need, but I don’t want to freak them out. They have their own problems to deal with and pretty serious ones at that, so I feel they might not be able to handle it. But who do I reach out to?

 

Anyhow, sorry for the rambling. Thank you all for being here. I’m so thankful to have a support system like this in my life. Take care and enjoy the weekend!

 

 

Did you know that…

Did you know that…

Eating a big (meaning 400 + calorie) breakfast makes a big difference in energy levels? (I always had this silly ED hang over that I wouldn’t eat huge breakfasts – something about saving calories for the rest of the day I guess. But when after eating a full breakfast I found I had loads more energy, wasn’t hungry 2 hours later and could actually focus on more important things – other then my belly)

Might not look yummy – tasted amazing. Pumpkin overnight oats with flax and raisins topped with peanut butter and cinnemon. Kept me full for a good LONG time

Walking is therapeutical. Had a bit of a rough morning with some family issues going on, so I decided to go out for a “chill out” walk. Let’s just say it’s something I’ll be doing more often, because I felt a million times better afterwards

Baking on the weekends is fun! Seriously, I baked more in the last 3 days then I did in the last 3 months. I forgot how much I enjoy it.

Rustic apple pie with a gluten free crust. I’m on a pie roll here

Double chocolate brownies

Birthday parties are so much funner when you not only bake the cake – but eat it too ( along with some brownies and oreos – I got my sugar intake for the year today – but I won’t tell if you don’t  And I have to say it felt great to be “in on the action ” instead of sitting on the sidelines luftfully eyeing everyone else’s treats. Time to live life!)

Birthday boy no. 1

And no. 2

It’s an awesome feeling to try on jeans in a store and have them actually fit. (Three cheers for weight gain in the right places  After all everyone knows you need a nice butt to go with jeans – gotta keep on working on it)

Biochem review is the best cure for my insomnia  (seriously 10- 15 minutes in the evening and I am out. Sorry, as much as I’m trying to like chemisty – I really don’t )

And speaking of biochem – time for a quick study sesh before I hit the sack. Hope you all have a great week!

Share a – “did you know that…. “from your week.

Apple or pumpkin pie? (In all honesty, I couldn’t pick – I think apple pie for breakfast and pumpkin pie for dessert.)

 

Lost..

Who am I?

What makes me happy?

What is the sense in my life?

I give and give and give – but  I just feel so empty. I go through the motions of everyday life – eat, study, eat, cook dinner for my family (which I’m never at home to eat), clean the house,  eat, go to work, come home – study or work.  I try to do things I enjoy – a moment to watch a TV series in the evening, baking a cake for my mom’s birthday, a morning at the farmers market. But it all feels so empty, and only brings more stress because I’m not doing what I should be….. (i.e working or studying).

And I sit here typing this – starving hungry and yet unwanting/unwilling to eat. Maybe I can cram down a smoothie. First time in a long time I’ve felt like this – wanting to kill my unhappiness by not eating. I know this doesn’t work – but I want to desperately for these overwhelming feelings that are crushing me to go away. I need to focus, I need strength, I need a reason to keep on going. But right now – nothing makes sense anymore……

 

A few quiestions

(Warning, somewhat whiny post ahead… had a little bit of a rough day and feel the need to vent it on blog world).

How come the things I crave most are worst for my body?

How do normal people find time to eat 3 square meals a day?

How come that when I want to eat normally for the first time – I can’t?

How come I feel so guilty taking time for myself?

How does someone who eats a moderate amount of sweets and brushes her teeth on a regular basis end up with caveties?

And how did someone who used to love cooking and baking end up terrified/loathing food.

Today was an ARRRRRGH kind of day. The morning started off with family members  yelling at each other in the hall while I was eating breakfast – a good way to start off any morning – not! Then there was the stressfull phone call to my university about a course mix up and the dentist apointment. That one REALLY ruined my day. I haven’t been to a denstist in more then several years (I have a slight phobia), but I had a slight toothache about a week ago so I decided to go. And what did they find. Caveties! What?!?

Ok, logically I know it’s probably caused primarily from the dietary defitiencies I’ve had over the years, or the binge-purge episodes I had way back when. But it was still a shock to be hit in the face with that.  And the dentist started lecturing me on the importance of having a low-sugar diet and proper dental hygene. Of course, that made me feel 100% more guilty about the extra sweet indulgences I have been enjoying lately, and makes me want to completely cut sugar out of my diet (which sucks because I’ve been kind of enjoying it up till now).

And then my day sort of spiralled downward from there. I just am so sick and tired of all these restrictions. I can’t eat gluten – because it mucks my stomach up. I can’t drink milk or eat milk products – same story + rashes and hives. And now sugar too ? Seriously – what CAN I eat. Oh and add in the fact that 9/10 I don’t have longer then 10 minutes to prepare and eat my food adds a whole new level to the struggle of finding balance.

I’m so sick and tired of trying to tip-toe around my stomach issues that no one can figure out. I just want to sit down, eat and be done with it. I don’t want to have to waste time pre-planning my meals only to have it all come crumbling down when a craving hits. I would also like to find some time in the day when I can cook and prepare my eals without it bothering someone or being a waste of time.

And I would also like to feel full without being in excrutiating pain afterwards. Me being perpetually hungry is probably one of two things : 1 – my appetite is finally kicking back in, or 2 – my diet is in some way defitient and it’s up to me to figure out how. But I don’t want to! I don’t want to have to keep thinking about all this.  I want to focus on other thing in life  - other then health issues.

Oh, and I wish I didn’t feel guilty doing things for me – like writing this post.  Everything I do for myself now feels like such a waste of time. I guess now that I’m working, I feel like every free moment should be devoted to studying. But some days I just want to take a break without feeling guilty – you know. The problem here is I don’t know how.

 

Ok, sorry for the randy, whiny post. Needed to get that out of my system. Next time will be happier and more up-beat, I promise

 

 

Midnight musings

I’m baaaack

( for a minute anyways)

Boy oh boy, this has been a really busy week. Whenever I’m absent for longer periods of time in blog world, it’s because I’ve got a whole lot going on in the “real world”.  Since these days finding time to sit down and eat is a challange, blogging gets pushed back on the priority list. But that’s life no?

So what exactly have I been busy doing? Well studying is in full swing now – which means that tests and assigments are piling on. Then when I’m not studying I’m teaching from 4-6 english classes a week, taking the evening shifts at work. Oh and trying to keep everything going on the home front – i.e cooking, cleaning, taking care of siblings. It’s one of the joys of being the oldest in a big family and being involved in the family buisness to boot – there’s really no “down time” because you are pretty much expected to be “on call” 24/7.

But to be honest – I like the fast paced life. Sure, there are days I feel I’m in over my head, there are personality clashes, times I feel stressed and like there’s just not enough hours in the day to get everything done. At the same time there’s kind of a rush that comes with reaching the end of the day and seeing all you accomplished. It beats sitting around being bored all day, that’s for sure.

After struggling to eat anything last week, with a nasty IBS flare up I’ve cut out gluten this week – and things have been much better. Going gluten free is new to me, and I can’t say it’s an easy thing to keep up with when you hardly have time to cook and gluten -free products are not regularly available.  But I haven’t been in any excrutiating pain this week, so it’s telling me that I’m doing something right.

However one really weird thing I noticed is that I’m craving dairy like it’s nobodies buisness. I mean, I’ve always been one to enjoy my yogurt and cheese – but this is seriously getting out of hand. Especially since I’m a little more then slighly lactose intolerant , I break out in rashes/have weird stomach issues etc. But I’m still eating a TON of milk products and I’m having a hard time stopping. I can’t figure out what my body is telling me – do I need carbs, protein, calcium – what?

Another baffling occurance is that I’m having a really hard time eating veggies recently. That’s right – this is coming from me – a girl who used to live of practically nothing but fruits and veggies.  It’s not even  a mental thing as much as it is a physical thing – because vegetables are one of the hardest things for me to eat right now . And fruits (other then banana’s) aren’t that much easier.  And again I can’t wrap my head around it.

Thankfully due to this bad boy – my week hasn’t been entirely veggie void. I ate the entire thing by myself in the course of 3-4 days. And that was ONLY due to the very high fiber content. What can I say – I love squash

 

 

But what I am craving are sweets. Seriously –  I used to be more of a savory girl but now I see to have turned around 360 degrees and become a major sweet tooth.  It’s like I would almost make every meal sweet if I could. I’m trying to do my best not to overthink it and just to roll with it – and maintain a balance between “healthy” sweets and regular treats. It took me a while to get used this “new me”, but I soon realized the more I fought of these cravings – the stronger they would get. So in the end, it’s better I just relax,  and go with it.

An example of me balancing treats with healthy – pre-bought oatmeal cookies with PB

I’m at a funny place right now in my recovery.  I have lots of voices telling me to throw all caution to the wind and let go of all rules and just eat. Problem is I might just end up eating yogurt, banana’s and chocolate for breakfast lunch and dinner if I do that. So another part of me wants to stick to some rational guidlines and even force myself to do some things sometimes (like eat my vegetables) because it’s healthy and important for my body. At this point I don’t really know what’s the right thing to do.

Also, I’m having a hard time finding time to eat proper meals – which might tie into my crazy sweet cravings. I just feel that eating/cooking is such a waste of time – I much prefer to just grab and go then have to spend tons of time cooking, preparing my meals. I know just a little ahead of time prep work would eliminate this problem – but I’m still faced with trying to find a 15 minute block of time to eat my food in. These days it’s been more on the mini meal/snack side then the 3 square meals with snacks thrown in between. And at this point I’m not sure which works better.

Most of my meals look like this (not very pretty I know) a mix up of all I can find already ready in the fridge. This combination – eggs, green beans, chickpeas, potatoes, ketchup

But on a high note – here is some progress I’ve made recently:

- Letting go more of food rules and allowing myself more “treats”  (who said 2 biscuits or a few squares of chocolate every night is bad?)

- Not worrying about calories and fat in food (hello peanut butter and full fat dairy products)

- Eating a substantial night snack every night (this one still bothers me at times – because I never used to be a  night snacking type of person. But my body needs it now more then every – so I’m gonna roll with it)

- Gaining weight. After a long point of stagnation things are heading in the right direction. And I’ m very happy about that

 

Alright, enough late night ramblings from me. Any ideas about my crazy sugar/dairy cravings and vegetable aversion? Anyone experience  anything like this?

This week is gonna be really go-go-go from here on out -so I might not have a bunch of time on blog world. But I’m looking forward to seeing you all next week.