Doctors appointment update and where I’m at now.

I remember mentioning a while back something about a getting some tests done, so I can determine the source of my stomach pain. Well I FINNALY got around to it this Friday. It’s not something I’ve been purposely putting off, but it took a while to be arranged and scheduled, but I’m glad it worked out. Of course it wasn’t the most pleasent of experiences, I had to do a very invasive test (gastroscopy) which I was terrified of to be honest, but it had to be done.

All the results aren’t in yet, it’s already confirmed I have Reflux oesophagitis – which is basically a very advanced case of acid reflux (a little more complicated, but I’ll spare you the details). Still waiting on the blood work to come in, but I’m happy to discover at least one source of my pain and discomfort.

However, more alarmining then my medical situation , which is fairly mild and easily treated, is the state it’s brought my body to. Pain after every meal = me eating very little. And since this has been going on for quite some time right now it’s resulted in a drastic weight loss.  I didn’t realize just how drastic till I got weighed on Friday. I’m not going to share the number, but let’s just say it’s not pretty.  My doctor looked at me and just hugged me and asked how I could have let myself get to this state. To be honest… I don’t know.

I guess I wanted everything to just go away on it’s own. I wanted to be normal, happy, healthy and “coping” like everyone else. I kept ignorning the problem, hoping it would go away. Unfortunatly it didn’t, which brings me to where I am now.

The dotor actually suggested hospitalization and tube feefings as an option of getting my weight up quickly, which I declined. I’ve been down that road before, I know where it leads and I don’t feel it’s the right one for me. I’ve done far too many hours interning in hospitals not to be aware of how they treat people there – like namless figures and statistics on a page. Yet I know this jouney back to health will be a hard one. My stomach pain is now worse then it’s ever been (I spent all last night nauseas because of 1/2 a cup of yogurt), and because of it I’ve developed some less then healthy eating patterns. My stomach has definitely shrunken, because I now feel full after really small amounts of food. All these factors definitely don’t work in my favour. But I’m in this to win.

We haven’t discussed my medical situation as a family yet, but I know that discussion will be a difficult and tense one. My parents love and care for me a great deal, and everyone has a different idea of how to “help”. I know they want the best for me, and I don’t blame them for being concerned, but at the same time we all need to learn to respect each other and our different opinions on the matter.

In short, I have a lot of work cut out for me. But better late then never. I’m scared, but I know that in the end health and happiness will be worth all of this temporary pain and discomfort.

\

Crushed, but not broken

Dear self.

Today was a hard day I know. Today was a day you would rather curl up in a ball and forget, a day you wish you could just turn back the clock and re-do.  But you can’t and so you sit here, feeling lost and alone.

It started off in the morning with your crazy ED thoughts.  Your appetite has been off the charts recently, and  when you were still hungry after a hearty breakfast – you started letting those negative thoughts in. You shouldn’t have listened and given into their enticements – but you did.  You should have taken the time to fuel properly, instead of trying to skimp by on just the bare minimum. You felt exhausted the whole day, and the only real reason was that you haven’t been getting enough fuel.

Please understand intuitive eating doesn’t always work for you. Some times you need to eat even when you’re NOT hungry, even when you feel you don’t “need” to. It’s vital not only for your overall health – but also your short term concentration and focus  - as was proved to you today.

You didn’t go into your test fueled properly, and so although you really put your all into studying – it didn’t really pay off. And now you feel so low you can hardly keep your head up off the ground. You want to give into those negative voices and not eat, not sleep – somehow punish yourself for not doing enough, not being enough

. But I have news for you – you are enough. Your grades do not define you, studies do not define you, your diet or lifestyle do not define you. You are so much more then all these things. You are priceless just because of who you are and there are people that love you, no matter what you do or don’t do.

So take this lesson to heart and learn from it. Realize how detrimental those negative voices are, and determine not to give into them anymore. You may feel crushed – but you are not broken. This experience has taught you valuable lessons – let them grow you. And march into tomorrow with hope, with renewed motivation to take better care of yourself – because you are precious just as you are.

Always remember- failing doesn’t make you a failure. You only truly fail when you cease to get up and try again.

With love, Leelu