-Days spent at work

- Feeling like I need matchsticks to keep my eyes open

- Lots of coffee helps too

- Reaching the end of the day with a whole to do list still in front of me

- Food – is something I put in my mouth, chew, swallow – rarely noticing what it is. Exercise – is walking to work and back.

- Zumba – my favorite stress reliever

- Group projects – suck when your teammates bail on you last minute

- Being overly abitious bites you in the butt.

- Miss connecting with all of you and having more time to write and comment

- Bu t I do remember a time when this was the life I dreamed of, and to be honest overall I can’t complain. But the next three weeks are gonna be one bumby ride.

Miss you all though. Hugs!

Share something from your week in bullets – I want to know whats going on

It all started last night – when I discovered that I had an exam tomorrow that I hadn’t studied for in the least. Cue panic attack and a 2 am study session.

Unfortunatly the vast amount of material made it impossible to assimilate it all last night. I am generally not an OCD person anymore, but I like having things generally under control. I like plans, checklists and always being on top of things. Stressfull surprises – not so much.

Long story short – today ended up being a flashback of life 6 months ago. I saw a side of myself I haven’t seen in a long time – panic attacks, bad body image, binge urges and all. I was taken aback – where was this all coming from? I thought I was “better” already, above all this. And yet – there the feelings were.

I acknowlaged them, but didn’t give into them. Today was a hectic day, but I learned from it. There are things I wish I had done differently, thought patterns I wish I hadn’t gotten sucked into. Still I realize progress has been made, though maybe not as much as I would have liked.

Today has shown me that just because you’re better, doesn’t mean you are perfect. Having an ED is like having an injury – you may heal but the weakness is always there. And there’s no use igoring it, or brushing it aside. Acknowlage it, accept it, and be aware of it. Every time you fall, pick yourself up and determine to be stronger next time. Because it gets easier every time.

And that was my personal pep-talk for the day. Time for some Game of Thrones, sparkling wine and an early night. It’s early and off to school for me.

PS: The exam was moved till next week. So my panic attacks were waisted on nothing. Well, we live and learn.

While I was on my trip,  I decided to be completely ED hang-up free. Meaning I ate whatever everyone else ate and I ate a lot of it. Actually it got to the point that I was leaving every lunch feeling slightly overstuffed and wondering how in God’s good name I fit all that food in my belly. And there was no shortage of desserts as well And yet …

My stomach issues were almost non existant (well not counting the day’s I ODed on hummus and pumkin pie ), I wasn’t bloated and I felt less “fat” then I did while at home. If anything I felt more toned and lean and even have some motivation to gain a bit more.

Now that I’m back home however – I’m feeling bloated and kind of meh again. So what’s the deal with this? Eat more to feel better? – Is it what I eat, how I’m eating, or how much I’m eating.

Maybe it has to do with intuitive eating and the lack of portion sizes? Or the quality of the food or slowed down atmosphere. Whatever the case may be, eating much more to feel better is an inteteresting observation.

Just thought I’d share

Now that I feel closer to total recovery (as much as such as thing is possible) then ever I feel like the world is mine – I have all the options in the world, all I have to do is pick and choose.

So here are my most recent epiphenies about my life:

1. I love my studies, but I don’t want to be obsessed with them. I kind of hate the pressure of trying to get perfect grades and be that A+ student all the time. I want to start letting go of that mentality a bit more and learning to let studying be a part of my life, as opossed to consuming it.

2. I want  to work in my profession when I finish school.  I don’t want to be one of those people that finish uni and with that paper in their pocket go on to do something completely different. I love the idea of being able to help others without being a doctor – and I’m willing to work hard to become who I want to be.

3. I love exercise, but not in it’s traditional form. I like moving, but the idea of being a personal trainer – not so much. Too many hours at the gym, too much pressure to be “fit” all the time. So what I REALLY want to do is get a ZIN zumba certification and start dancing again. It’s a long lost love, but I definitely want it back in my life And if I can get payed for it (even if it’s just pocket money – all the better)

4.I want to get more independant. For a few years now because of my illness I wasn’t really able to trust myself to properly care for myself. But now that I’ve closed that chapter of my life- hopefully for good – I’m just itching to get my own space. Of course, finances play into this a bit – but if not this year – I’m definitely looking into the next.

5. I want to spend more time enjoying life, food and the beauty life brings. I don’t mind having to push through an exam session living on eggs and cottage cheese, but I don’t want it to be my life anymore.

6. I REALLY want to be able to help ED recoverers. Before then I also want to get fully recovered, mentally as well as physically. Then… I’m not so sure. Ideally I’d be a RD who specializes in treating ED’s, but till then I’m willing to do anything – just to let them know they are not alone and that life is possible – they just have to choose it.

On that happy note I leave you with a picture of my balanced dinner from yeasterday – it’s awesome – I know

That is a dinner plate mind you – stll have a hard time believing a ate it all (maybe a little embarressed too) but it was awesome

So here’s a photo recap of what I’ve been doing a lot of lately:

Food (so much good food that I never take pictures of because it always seems inappropriate)

Gardening – lots of it. Fun in the sun!

This has been my redundant breakfast for the past several days – homemade full fat yoghurt (from raw unpasturized milk), homemade granola, tahini and AMAING carmelized squash. I could eat this for the rest of my life and die a happy woman

Love reading through all my friends various cookbooks (what can I say – I’m a foodie at heart)

School assigments follow me though – even on vacation.

But we’ve had a few wine filled evenings as well, so it all balances out in the end

So that’s all from me for now. I am living, loving and enjoying life. Now I’m off for a glass of fresh milk and maybe going to look at finishing that assigment…. or not

Quiestion of the day : what’s your favorite thing to do on vacation?

And dirt underneath my fingernails…

Loving the sweat pouring down my face after a good workout

And sitting on my bum watching TV series for a few hours later

Loving eating good food

And not having prepared a single bite

Loving chattering my head off

and the moments of silence -alone with my thoughts

And most of all – loving being in the moment

and for once being all the way there

I’ve dissapeared of the face of the planet and dropped into paradise.

Pictures and more details soon. I’m too busy enjoying everything around me as of now

Currently in sort of a strange place in my life. Everything it seems I thought I knew I don’t know, and all I was sure of I quiestion.

Maintanence – a strange place to be. All I’ve known till now is weight gain, followed by a quick stint of weight loss and the cycle repeated. Now that I am in “maintanence” I keep finding myself thinking – what now? A part of me it itching to do something, move somewhere, to keep perfecting myself. Its the hardest thing in the world to just “be”, especially when you’re not yet comfortable with who you are.

So much has changed – both for good and for bad. My eating habits are all over the place, and the constant guessing game is tiering. I want to just throw in the towel and eat whatever – at the same time I know too much about nutrition and health to do that. Another part of me wants to get back to some sense of stability, some knowlage of absolutes. But I’m learning more and more is that nutrition is like religion – everyone believes a certain thing – it doesn’t make it right for wrong. There is some truth in everything – what you need to do is find what works for you. And my God – it’s a long, tiering process.

But – even through all the complication and bad body image days – I don’t regret my recovery thus far one bit. Am I 100% comfortable in my body – no I am not. Do I feel that I did everything “just right” – no I don’t. Do I wish I had done some things better – sure I do. But one thing I can say with 100% certainty is that a whole new world opened up to me that wasn’t available before. For once I can do anything, be anyone, go anywhere. It’s a whole sense of freedom that I’m just discovering. It’s scary, yet awesome at the same time.

And hell, if nothing else I’m getting a HECK of a lot of life experience though this. I mean – what other nutritionist can say they have experimented with this many diets, gone through an eating disorder and figured out what works for them (that part is still coming, but I’m hoping for the best). So at least maybe, long and tiering as this process may be – I MIGHT be able to figure it out and help someone else in the process. Just keeping it possitive

So yes, that is the reason I’m not posting as much – is because I’m not sure what to write about. Currently – I’m trying to keep my head above water, get my life in gear and pretend I have it all together for the outside world. Because lets face it, after 5 years obsessing about something – once you take that away you’re not exactly sure who you are anymore. SO thank you all for bearing with me while I figure all this out – hopefully it’ll be sooner rather then later.

And now – sleep. Tomorrow is another crazy day in the life of me

Racing against time – or so it always seems.

When does one find time – to eat, to sleep, to live?

I’m not complaining, simply mentioning the facts. 

I have so many do-to’s, so many things I put on my to do list (blogging being one of them) and yet before I know it the day is done and over, it’s past midnight and I’m fighting to avarage 6 hours of sleep.

Is this normal? Or is there a lack of balance somewhere? Will it pass? Do I want it to?

All I know is that I’m running, chasing  lost time it seems. Maybe at some point I will catch up.

Well for one Easter break ended, and I’ve been a bit more busy. But to be honest – it’s more then that.

I’ve got the body image blues.

It was triggered by my post- easter food baby/bloat that still hasn’t gone down. I know I might have gained a little bit of weight, but I’m pretty sure most of it is water/bloating. That being said it doesn’t make my clothes fit better, or me feel better about myself AT ALL. So yes – it’s safe to say I’m struggling a bit here.

However it did bring to light some things I’ve learned about body image through my recovery journey.

1. The grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side. When I was underweight I would look at pictures of when I was at a healthy weight and think – “wow, you actually looked pretty good there”. Then once I get there, I always feel that pull to try to change or fix some part of my body or (and this pesky thought is the worst of them all) “lose a little weight”.

What helps: Reminding myself I was never happy at that low weight either – and now my body is healthier,I have more energy and everyone around me thinks I look better too (even f I can’t see it in myself)

2. Good body image isn’t something you wake up with – it’s something that is built up over time. Every day I look in the mirror and I have a choice – to see the bad and focus on it, or to see the good and focus on that. It’s not like one day you wake up in the morning and feel awesome for the rest of your life – it’s a day by day process.

When all is said and done I’d rather be the top girl then the bottom one any day. Just need to keep repeating that to myself

3. Body image has A LOT to do with your mood. I’m not sure if this is true for everyone or just for people who have an ED history, but speaking from personal experience – when I’m in a bad mood- frustrated, stressed etc. things get a whole lot worse.

What helps : remembering that fat isn’t a feeling and reasoning with myself (i.e if I wasn’t “chubby” yeasterday there is no way that I gained loads of weight from one day to the next. Thus it must all be in my head)

4. The way you treat yourself = the way you see yourself. Even if you don’t love your body – fake it till you make it. Paper yourself- paint your nails, dress nice, style your hair, put on some amazing scented lotion and let yourself feel like a princess. These things are especially hard to do when you feel like your lower then dirt – but like I said – fake it till you make it.

5. Body image issues are all in YOUR head. Meaning that no one else sees the things you do. Today my mom, my sister and I were all talking in my room. One thing led to another and my mom started going on about how she needed to lose weight for the spring. My sister and I started laughing and telling her there was no reason for that – which was great – till my sister started telling me that she also felt she had a flabby stomach (she is as slim as can be). Made me realize that noone else sees what I see when I look at myself, so I might as well just try to get over it

So… what’s my plan with this recent slump:

- get a haircut next week, try to keep dressing nice and feeling good

- work out a few times next week as a stress reliever

- eat clean/with a few healthy treats thrown in there

- focus on the other areas of my life that are important now – work, school etc. and get my thoughts onto the more important things in life.

And remember:

I am gonna beat this bitch, come hell or high water!

So Easter break has sadly come to an end and it’s back to work, normal life. School is picking up and the assigments are piling up – not to mention tests and exams so I have a lot on my plate. And to  be honest right now it feels pretty overwhelming. OOh, not to mention I’m still recovering from the Easter feast. I ate a whole bunch of foods I “wasn’t supposed to” , and although I enjoyed every bite, I’m really feeling it today – ouch!!

So I think it’s time to make some goals to make the most of this month:

- Get back on track with eating right. “Right” meaning in a way that is good for my body. Time to do a bit of a “paleoish” detox to get my gut healing again. I see eggs, olive oil and loads of fruit and veg on the horrizon.

- Take some “me time” every day

- Stay active. I don’t work out every day – but I find that keeping active really does help to keep my stress levels in check, as well keep me feeling energized and healthy. So although I don’t always have time for a “proper work out” I’ll try to make little changes to my current lifestyle to help me move more (i.e walk instead of taking the bus etc.). It’s the little things that make a big diffrenece.

- Enjoy my meals. Recently I’m noticing that I inhale my food as opposed to properly chewing, swallowing and enjoying it. Cue stomach issues and some mental dissatisfaction. I think I can afford to put aside a few more minutes a day to eat.

- Enjoy life in general. When things get busy I tend to work,work, work – cue more stress=more work hours=more stress – and it’s a cycle till I drop. Not letting that happen this year. Spring should be coming soon, and I’m looking forward to it.

So yeah, those are my goals for the month – got any of your own to share?