Trip pics

I know my last post was pretty vague, but I’ve been having such a great time enjoying life that I really didn’t feel like writing till now. So the clear things up a little – I am currently visiting some friends in another country. I know – it’s a weird time – considering I have work and school and all that. But it so happens that I hit a series of national holidays, and school was out for a bit as well as work so I figured – now or never . Before I would have been way to obsessed about my “perfect schedule” and having everything so “under control” to make a trip like this. But this is then and that is now.

So here’s a photo recap of what I’ve been doing a lot of lately:

Food (so much good food that I never take pictures of because it always seems inappropriate)

Gardening – lots of it. Fun in the sun!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This has been my redundant breakfast for the past several days – homemade full fat yoghurt (from raw unpasturized milk), homemade granola, tahini and AMAING carmelized squash. I could eat this for the rest of my life and die a happy woman

 

 

Love reading through all my friends various cookbooks (what can I say – I’m a foodie at heart)

 

School assigments follow me though – even on vacation.

 

 

But we’ve had a few wine filled evenings as well, so it all balances out in the end

 

So that’s all from me for now. I am living, loving and enjoying life. Now I’m off for a glass of fresh milk and maybe going to look at finishing that assigment…. or not

 

Quiestion of the day : what’s your favorite thing to do on vacation?

Body image blues

Yeah, I know I dissapeared off the radar again.

Well for one Easter break ended, and I’ve been a bit more busy. But to be honest – it’s more then that.

I’ve got the body image blues.

It was triggered by my post- easter food baby/bloat that still hasn’t gone down. I know I might have gained a little bit of weight, but I’m pretty sure most of it is water/bloating. That being said it doesn’t make my clothes fit better, or me feel better about myself AT ALL. So yes – it’s safe to say I’m struggling a bit here.

However it did bring to light some things I’ve learned about body image through my recovery journey.

1. The grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side. When I was underweight I would look at pictures of when I was at a healthy weight and think – “wow, you actually looked pretty good there”. Then once I get there, I always feel that pull to try to change or fix some part of my body or (and this pesky thought is the worst of them all) “lose a little weight”.

What helps: Reminding myself I was never happy at that low weight either – and now my body is healthier,I have more energy and everyone around me thinks I look better too (even f I can’t see it in myself)

2. Good body image isn’t something you wake up with – it’s something that is built up over time. Every day I look in the mirror and I have a choice – to see the bad and focus on it, or to see the good and focus on that. It’s not like one day you wake up in the morning and feel awesome for the rest of your life – it’s a day by day process.

When all is said and done I’d rather be the top girl then the bottom one any day. Just need to keep repeating that to myself

3. Body image has A LOT to do with your mood. I’m not sure if this is true for everyone or just for people who have an ED history, but speaking from personal experience – when I’m in a bad mood- frustrated, stressed etc. things get a whole lot worse.

What helps : remembering that fat isn’t a feeling and reasoning with myself (i.e if I wasn’t “chubby” yeasterday there is no way that I gained loads of weight from one day to the next. Thus it must all be in my head)

4. The way you treat yourself = the way you see yourself. Even if you don’t love your body – fake it till you make it. Paper yourself- paint your nails, dress nice, style your hair, put on some amazing scented lotion and let yourself feel like a princess. These things are especially hard to do when you feel like your lower then dirt – but like I said – fake it till you make it.

5. Body image issues are all in YOUR head. Meaning that no one else sees the things you do. Today my mom, my sister and I were all talking in my room. One thing led to another and my mom started going on about how she needed to lose weight for the spring. My sister and I started laughing and telling her there was no reason for that – which was great – till my sister started telling me that she also felt she had a flabby stomach (she is as slim as can be). Made me realize that noone else sees what I see when I look at myself, so I might as well just try to get over it

So… what’s my plan with this recent slump:

- get a haircut next week, try to keep dressing nice and feeling good

- work out a few times next week as a stress reliever

- eat clean/with a few healthy treats thrown in there

- focus on the other areas of my life that are important now – work, school etc. and get my thoughts onto the more important things in life.

And remember:

 

 

I am gonna beat this bitch, come hell or high water!

My healthy (not so healthy) diet

Can I hear a hip-hip hooray for Easter break!

Today was the first day of easter break, and I spent 4 hours working on a group project and then studied for an hour and then had an awesome run. Running and I go through phases , I love it or hate it, but today it was definitely a love thing, I felt like I could have run for hours, of course tredmill with no TV meant only 40 minutes for me, but it still felt good. Then I got home and veged out, did a bit of failed baking , and now I’m writing this post before pouring myself a glass of something and finishing my project.

I thought I would talk about something that I’ve been thinking about recently. Recently someone I’ve been emailing back and forth asked me for a link to my blog for healthy eating ideas. This led me to thinking how much my blog has changed – I haven’t posted any food pictures in forever, I don’t really blog about how/what I eat anymore. And here’s the reason:

I don’t really eat all that healthy.

My relationship with food has changed to the point that healthy eating is no longer the focus of my life. I try to eat healthy mind you, but food has become a means to an end rather then the end itself. Take today for example – I was working on a project at  a library and I had been there since right after breakfast. I ate the orange I brought along as a snack, and then 30 minutes later I was hungry again, but no where nearly done my project. So then came my dilema – should I make the long walk home, cook lunch, eat lunch, clean up and then go back (hopefully before the library closed) and try to finish my project or should I eat the wafle I had in my bag and use it to hold me over till I finsh and then go home and eat a proper lunch.

 

 

Before this would have been an obviouse choice – the perfect diet/eating schedule was definitely more important then the time I would waste walking back and forth just so I eat the right thing at the right time. But today food was fuel so I ate my “unhealthy” snack and ate a proper lunch when I got home. But the sugar rush I got fueled my studying plus a pretty awesome run, so I don’t think I made a bad descision. Now, I’m not saying this was something I’d like to do often – I need to learn to pack enough healthy snacks to last me, but this example just showed me how my relationship with food has changed.

Right now I am SO busy, that I often have to make due with what I have. The past few days I have been seriously ODing on cottage cheese and truffles (all your fault Andrea )  - because it just seems to be the only portable thing I can eat at work. And yes, it’s not the most balanced and I’m looking forward to eating some decent cooked meals now that it’s almost Easter. But in the end life> perfect diet- and I think that’s exactly how it should be.

That isn’t to say I haven’t been eating some yummy food from time to time:

On a warmer day – salad with cheese, picked fish and yogurt dressing

Protein pancake with quark and a banana

Most of my meals are kind of – grab and go –  a boiled egg, deli meat and roated veggies

Cheesy omlettes

And lots of cottage cheese

So yeah that’s me now – not as healthy but a whole lot more chilled out all around. I think after Easter I might do a minor “diet cleanup” and try to focus on eating more veggies – but right now there’s easter and lots of chocolate on the horrizon. I have a feeling I’ll have quite a few more sugar fueled runs in my future

Oooh, and in honor of my 3 month aneversary at a healthy weight I  got this done – and I absolutely love it. It’s a daily reminder of how  far I’ve come and how much I accoplished – and it feels awesome.

Yes people – I no longer have a perfectly flat stomach and protruding hipbones. And that is ok because I am a woman, and curves are shexy

How has your eating mentality changed over time?

Do you have any tatoos?

Freedom

Freedom :

- is the ability to do what you love and do it well, without your body not being able to keep up with your mind

- is the ability to focus and put your whole heart into something

- is the ability to feel again

- is the abilty to look at your body, squishy parts and all and think “hey I am a woman and this is beautiful”

- is the ability to respect and treat yourself well

- is not second guessing everything you do, and knowing that you don’t have to be perfect to be loved

 

I now realize I spent 5 years of my life in a caged box. There were times I thought it kept me safe, times I didn’t remember what the world outside was like. So I hid, i stayed inside, I fought those who tried to force me outs. I honestly had forgotten things could be any other way. But now as I step outside and breath the fresh air I thank God every day that I can live again. I am finally free!

 

Restoring a relationship with food.

This post has been on the tip of my tongue (can you even say that when blogging) for a few days now, but it’s hard to put on paper. It’s a topic that I find very relevant and might be of interest to some of you as well.

I want to talk about restoring a relationship with food after a period of disordered eating. And by disordered I’m not talking about the typical eating disorders of anorexia and bulimia – you can have a disordered eating pattern just from going through a stage of extreme dieting, or from being orthorexic. Although my own personal experiences are based on recovering from anorexia – I think some things are just universaly true.

First off, restoring a proper relationship with food takes time. The longer you’ve had disordered eating patterns the longer it takes. It makes sense – it takes time to break those bad habits and negative thought patterns you’ve put around food. It takes time to realize food is fuel -there is no “good” and “bad” food. It takes time to come to grips with how far you’ve ventured from what healthy really is or should be, but this is really a crucial part in the whole equation. So be patient, give yourself time. Don’t expect to wake up in the morning and for things to all of a sudden be ok – because it doesn’t work like that.

Start with little baby steps. Once you realize just how far you’v ventured and how far you have to go to reach “normalicy” things seem pretty overwhelming. Don’t try tackling everything at once (for instance introducing fear foods, breaking compulsive eatings habits, eating in front of people and not sticking to set meal times). There were times I’ve felt so “mototivated” I tried doing everything at once only to quit a short time later because it was too much to handle at once. Remember – it’s a sprint and not a marathon and if you consistently make little baby steps one day at a time, you will get there in the end.

Don’t expect it to go the way you want it to. When I was so stuck on recovering the “right way” and changing my eating habits the way I wanted to – I never got anywhere. I only really started making progress when I gave it the “skrew it all” mentality and just ate food. And no – it’s no easy. And there were days I ate too little, and days I ate too much, days I binged and days I ate completely irrationaly. But only through those experiences did I learn and make progress. And though it was sometimes hard, in hindsight I see it couldn’t have been any other way,

Don’t be too hard on yourself. When going through all of this you might feel like the only one out there with these problems – the only one that has these crazy cravings or hunger or whatever else you’re experiencing. There were times that all I was going through made me feel like the scum of the earth (particuarly binging tends to trigger these sorts of feelings). But realize that if anyone went though what you went through – chances are they’d react the same way. If you gave a starving child from a 3 world country normal portions of food he’d react in the same way. He’d eat small amounts when his stomach was still so shrunk he couldn’t handle any more, but as soon as he could eat more he’d most likely start “binging” on 3000+ calories of food a day, because his body was crying out for fuel to repair the damage that had been done. Would you judge him for behaving this way? Not one bit. So why are you being so hard on yourself.

They don’t need to “control” their eating habits and neither do you.

Keep the end goal in sight. Recovering from disordered eating is a long and tiering process. You will feel like quitting more then once before you reach the end of your journey. But never forget where you’re going – to a place where food no longer controls your life, a place where in equals not just fuel but enjoyment as well, a place where guilt and anxiety no longer have a seat at the dinner table. It takes a while to get there – but let me tell you, once you do it is awesome! All the work it took to get you there seems like nothing compared to the freedom you feel. I’m still just getting a taste of all this – but I have a feeling it only gets better from here on out.

Any thoughts/tips on restoring a healthy relationship with food? If you have struggled with disordered eating in the past – what was something that helped you develop healthy habits again?

Life now….

Hip hip hurray, a weekend at home!!!!

This is the first weekend at home I’ve had for a looooong time and it feels amazing.  I keep whining about how busy I am, and really I feel like I’m constantly running around and never getting around to the things I want to do. Example – I’ve been wanting to write up a post since the beginning of the week – and I only get around to it now. I wonder if it’s because I’m not good at time management or I really have that many to-do’s? Oh well, I guess I just need to learn as I go.

Mentally and health wise things are pretty ok. I would be lying to say that everything is a-ok 100% of the time, that I just love my body and how it looks, that my eating patterns are completly normal etc. But I will say that I really don’t think about it much – I do my best to eat in a way that is good for my body and that makes me feel good, I try to exercise when I can (recently it’s been 2-3 times a week ) I try to stay active and move around a lot. And I try to be happy with what I’ve got.

I used to live in a dream world that when I reached my goal weight I’d be 100% happy with my body, that I would love everything about it and not want to change a thing. Well, sorry to bust your bubble – but that’s not really the case.  I don’t always love my body, there are days that I have horrible body image issues – but overall I’m trying to learn to accept it – squishy parts and all. The more I obsess about it and try to change it – the worse I feel. So instead I’m learning to accept – accept the fact I will never have under x% body fat, accept that I will have a bit more “padding” on my tummy – I’m a woman after all, nothing shocking there. The less I compare myself to others and just accept how I am right now, the better I feel about mysef, so I’m trying to do just that.

Food recently has been really eat to live, don’t live to eat. Practically all my meals are of the “grab and go” variety, can’t remember the last time I spent longer then 30 minutes preparing AND eating something. I actually need to work on slowing down and mindfully eating more, because I find myself with some stomach unpleasentries simply from trying to shovel my food in within 5 minutes. But we live and learn, and with everything I’m trying to learn to find balance in this area of my life.

Remember when I went through a “binging” stage. Well I’m glad to report that it’s pretty much over. I actually haven’t had that “bottomless pit” feeling in a while  (last night was an exception because I exercised and didn’t eat enough during the day – but I would catogorize that under “late night snacking”) Not sure if this is because I’m at a healthy weight or because I am eating about 50% paleo. Meaning meat, eggs and oils again again – and more then I have in years. I won’t lie – the ethical issues still bother me A LOT,  but when beans make me feel like razor blades are travelling through my intestines, too much tofu makes me bloat, and it’s hard to eat enough nuts to constitute proper protein – you don’t have a whole lot of options. But really, if you have a problem with binging – look into upping your protein and FAT. Seriously the more fat I eat the better I feel – it’s still kind of hard for me because I have hang ups with that, but I’m working on it.

Eggs – almost a daily breakfast for me – scrambled in coconut oil with spinach and tomato

Since the start of winter I haven’t been drinking my smoothies as much – but this was a nice treat – classic protein powder, spinach, banana (topped with homemade banana/coconut butter)- yum!

Random snack plate – pickled herring (love), various veggies in the fridge, PB and hummus. I actually ended up eating a few PB bites with the fish and it was surprisingly good.

More eggs – fried in coconut oil of course

A more adventurous I tried Carrot’n'Cakes “French toast breakfast scramble” I added 2 eggs an one banana and nixed the honey since it was too sweet for me anyway.

(None of these pictures constitute a full meal – these are just the food I actually SAT DOWN for. Believe me there was multiple peanut butter spoon dipping action going on between, during and after )

And what else – that’s about it/  As I say every time I post I will try to post more about my thoughts, day to day happenings etc – if I get around to it

Enjoy your Sunday everyone And here’s to a happy week ahead.

Midnight musings

Recently I’ve been doing some thinking…. about myself, recovery, and life in general.

Real recovery is like ripping off a bandaid.

Those of you who have been following this blog for a while have seen my ups and downs. I went from thinking everything was ok, into one of the worst relapses yet, and back here again. And all I can say is – what a journey. I believe everything in this life happens for a reason, and although there are things I know now I wish I had known then, I trust that someday I will see the sense in it all.

Ironically I’ve also come to realize that when I seemed to have the things mostly together – was actually the point I was still really ill. It was just before I started studying, before the first year of uni. I was eating soooo healthy all the time, I was exercising , everything was planned and under control. Heck if you didn’t know me that well you might actually belive that facade. Unfortunatly, nothing could be further from the truth. I had never recovered from my last relapse – I had simply gone into remission. And with recovery there is no standing still, you are either moving forward or slipping back.

Real recovery only really started this summer, when I finally realized I had a problem. And that’s when the shit really hit the fan (excuse the language). It’s when the carefully constructed world started tubling down around me, the facade I fought so hard to keep up just came crashing down. And all that control I had – I gave it up. And then started the cycle of restricted eating/binge eating, healthy and unhealthy diets and everything in between. But I learned, I grew and I moved forward and I continue to do so day by day.

While I was in “remission” I might call it – it was almost like being in an abusive relationship. You try to pretend everything is fine for the benefit of those around you, and after a while you live that live so long you actually believe it. But you stay in that relationship because it provides you with security – it’s something you already know. Only when you leave do you realize just how much it ruined you, how emotionally shattered and vulnerable you are. But only then do you have the chance to be really, truly happy.

I’m still picking up the peices to be honest. Although my body may be healthy, my mind isn’t there yet. I’m still learning to accept, adjust and love the new me. I’m still trying to find myself without the “skinny girl” identity.  It’s not easy, I still have days I break down and cry, days I want to run back to the old “me” again, even days I just don’t want to face the world. But do I regret recovery – never once.

Recovery is a bitch. Like ripping off a bandaid there is lots of pain and tears involved. There’s no use pretending it’s any other way. But only once that’s done can we truly begin to heal. And only then will we ever know what true happiness is.

 

 

 

Acceptance comes before understanding (operation love your body pt. 3)

Recently I’ve been thinking……

What if I just stopped caring about having a “healthy” diet?

What if I let go of the idea of a perfect body?

What if I just lived life?

I’ve spent so much time recently looking into the “perfect diet” for me. The reason – well aside from the fact that I have food allergies yet unknown to man (grain and dairy intolerant anyone?) and a balloon decided to take up permanent residence in my stomach 24/7 (bloating like you can only imagine),  and some serious fatigue issues – I also now have reached my target weight which means…. I’ve become more food conscious  I want to keep gaining, but muscle not fat. I’m not super thrilled about this perpetual pooch that has developed around my stomach that seems grossly disproportionate to the rest of my body.

But I’m coming to realize that acceptance comes before understanding – that means that before I really let go of all my old eating habits and hang ups I need to realize I may never have a perfectly flat stomach, I might never  figure out a diet that works for me 100%, I might never really attain to my perfect fitness level, I might never have a body fat level lower than X %.  And in order to really live life I need to accept that and stop caring. Of course I want to do the best I can to be healthy, I want to find a diet that enables me to have as few stomach problems as possible. I want to feel good about my body, be fit and have high energy levels.  But it can’t become my life’s obsession, and I don’t want  it to be.

No friggen way I’m eating this endlessly again. The days of restricted eating are behind me and I’m not going back

So I will choose to accept, and love my body the way it is right now. Not love the idea of what it could be, not love the idea of what it was , love what it is right now, at this moment. And then stop thinking about it and move on with my life.

And just to regain some perspective – check out this article. Honestly after reading this I was like – what the heck am I complaining about.

Click here  for the link to this girl’s amazing story.

 

 

 

Now a very personal question  – honestly how much of your thoughts to your body/diet occupy your mind? For me, it’s about 30% of my thoughts, but I NEED to make that change ASAP.

WIAW – a strange change

So remember when I told you all I was going to try to experiment with my diet a bit to find out what worked – well the last few days I’ve been doing just that.

I was thinking of doing a day by day recap of what I’m eating/how I feel, but that just got too restrictive/obsessive for me. Yeah, and I had a few bad days that I didn’t feel like talking about. But I will say I am learning a lot about my body as a result, and so I think that’s a plus.

So to recap what’s going on now – I decided I was going to try to eat semi “paleo” style (like this woman here – who also has some weird stomach issues).  Yes for someone who’s been eating semi-vegetarian for the past few years this is a weird change. But not entirely an unfounded one. I’ve tried strictly vegetarian, almost vegan and grain based diets for a longe time – and to be honest, my body just isn’t having it anymore. I’m gluten intolerant, lactose sensitive and the last time I ate lentils – well let’s just say my stomach felt like it was digesting itself for the next 3 days. Grains make me feel horribly heavy and bloated, and while I always interpreted it as my body “healing”, that’s not really the case. The last few weeks have pushed me over the edge with constant stomach issues, skin break outs, sugar highs and lows and what have you. So I decided, why not try something new?

Carrot custard (cooked carrots, non dairy milk, coconut oil, egg and flax – no sweeterner cuz the carrots were sweet enough)

Apple omlette with yogurt saue

Cottage cheese, banana, almonds

Protein pancake with a chocolate tahini sauce and apples

Other random breakfasts/pre-workout food – omletts with apples, protein pancakes and cottage cheese with banana’s and nuts

 

So far my paleo-ish diet is a work in progress. Basically I’ve severely limited grains, dairy, and I’m trying to watch my sugar and coffee addiction as well. I eat loads more eggs, lots of fish, some chicken and nuts/nut butter galore. That and veggies and fruit of course. I’m still working on upping my fat intake (as recomended in the paleo diet ) but I’ve already noticed a few changes.

I eat less sugar – I crave less sugar (fact)

Fats = full

I need animal protein to be full without being so bloated/in pain I can’t move

Dairy in large amounts = a dairy binge (I’ve heard people that are allergic can experience very intense cravings for dairy, and it’s definitely like that for me. Once I start I have a very hard time stopping – which is kind of what triggered my last post )

snack time – salmon and egg mash with carrot sticks

Lunch pt, 1 – chicken, roasted veggies, peanuts

Also I’m switching up my cardio to weight training most of the time. I love the cardio- high that running gives me, but there’s something to be said for the burn you feel when you lift weights as well. Also my goal now isn’t to lose weight – it;s to gain muscle and curves which is hopefully something I will accomplish

So yeah, that’s me for now. I am planinng to keep this up forever? Probably not. Is it working for me now – it’s a work in progress. Am I open to change – definitely. But life is a fun adventure, and sometimes you’ve gotta try new things to know where it is/isn’t at.

As a side note I reached my target weight last week. Yeah you can congradulate me now Not sure how I feel about it yet (highest weight I’ve been in nearly 3 years)…. but I’m trying to look on the bright side

Do you experiment a lot with your diet, or have you basically found something that works for you?

Operation love your body pt 2.

Ten things I’m loving about my “new body”

1. I have/am getting curves. I’m looking more like a woman as opposed to a pre-teen boy.
2. I have energy – I can walk, run, dance, clean, work and do the things I love without feeling faint, exhausted after less then 20 minutes.
3. I can go into clothing shops and try on clothes and have them actually fit, and most of my old clothes are fitting better as well
4. My hair, skin and nails are all much stronger, looking healthier.
5. People no longer stare at me because I am so painfully thin, I’m getting less and less comments about my low weight.
6. I can walk around in a t-shirt , or tight clothes without feeling self conciouse
7. My eyes have that old familiar sparkle in them again.
8. I can sit for over half an hour and feel comfortable, my bones don’t poke me.
9. I have so many more possibilities now, both in my work and personal life, that I didn’t have before.
10. I can look in the mirror, smile, and say “I love my body” and mean it 50% of the time 

 

 

This my friends  is a picture of a REAL woman. And she is beautiful – curves and all!

(This list wasn’t easy to write out. Recently I’m having really bad body image days – generally due to the constant bloating going on right now, and feeling kind of frustrated about it. But at times like this it helps me to remember what this is all for, why I want this. It gives me the little ooph I need to keep on going and moving in the right direction – even when it’s the last thing I want to do at times.)

What keeps you motivated to keep up your healthy habits ?