(Warning, you are about to read the sappiest post, possibly in the history of your life. So buckle up and bare with me if you think it’s worth it)
Ok, so I’m going to start off by saying this post is going to be intensely personal, and although it’s kind of weird to write these kind of things up for all to see, it’s something I do want to get off my chest. Also most of those reading this blog I already consider friends, so it’s not all that strange for me.
Valentines day used to be a difficult time for me. Generally I spent most of my valentines days pretty miserable, because I didn’t have that special someone. This might not seem like a big deal to some of you, but relationships and all things love related have a kind of negative connotation with me.
Let’s just say I’ve never had a normal relationship. For real. I had a few flings here and there in my early teen years, but nothing serious. The first time I “fell in love” (can you even call it that if you’re that young) was when I was 15.It was a dark time of my life, I was struggling with some pretty intense depression along with going through all the normal teenage insecurities you go through at that age. In any case I guess I kind of latched on to the first person that showed me any kind of kindness. And he was a nice guy, don’t get me wrong, and to this day I wonder if he didn’t by any chance feel the same way. Of course before anything could develop he moved further away and although he would still call me and tell me how much I meant to him, and how much he missed me etc., the next time I saw him he was snuggling up to another friend of mine. Well all that to say it was a harsh slap in the face for a girl that was as naive as I was back then, and definitely did little for my self esteem.
Then came my first ( and kind of unfortunately last ) relationship. I had actually met him a few years back when I was 13 at a music festival. We kept in touch more or less and there was definitely some chemistry there, but never met up since then. Anyhow when I was 15 he offered to come visit me. I figured, why not? So we worked everything out and during that short visit I managed to fall in love with him. He made me feel beautiful, noticed, special – everything I was desperately needing at the time. And it somehow happened. He was my first and I wanted him to be. I remember crying the night he left, and knowing I would never forget him.
Turned out I didn’t have to, because he decided to move close to where I was and stay for good. He felt the same way about me I did about him, and to be honest at first I was overjoyed. My parents cautioned me not to get involved, he was much older then me (21) and I was still young and naive. But what girl listens to her parents, especially about things like that? I threw myself head first into this relationship, expecting it to be roses and rainbows the whole way.Well I was in for a shock, because you should never put all your hopes on one person. I’ve blocked out my memories and burned all the journals from that time, because they were just too painful. It turns out the “love of my life” had a dark side. He was a manic depressive, and definitely fed that side of my nature. He was also emotionally and physically abusive to me and blamed me for this fits of depression. He was horribly possessive and jealous - I couldn’t do ANYTHING without him. I never said the right thing, did the right thing, was good enough. He often told me that my only positive attributes were my good looks. Around this time I started my extreme dieting that turned into anorexia. He knew about it, but did nothing to stop it. I desperately wanted him to, wanted him to support me, to pull me out of the the dark hole I was getting sucked into. But he had his head to far up his own ass (sorry for the language) to notice I was disappearing before his eyes. Our relationship lasted about 6 months, and as much as I felt trapped in it and hurt by it, I loved him too much to let it go. They say love is blind and that is what my love was, blind to how much he was hurting me, blind to the fact I deserved better, blind to the fact that you can’t help anyone who won’t help themselves. In the end my friends and family (most of whom didn’t know about my relationship) decided even this friendship of mine was hurting me too much to let it continue. Later on they told me that it looked like my life was being sucked out of me a little more each and every day. Anyhow my parents basically banned him from seeing me again (at this point I knew it was for the best), and he had a screaming fit right in front of my house – almost like he was possessed It scared me so bad – that scene is ingrained in my head forever. He had been drinking and said and did some horrible things that night – he threatened to kill himself – and at that moment I believed him. Some of my friends were crying, the air was tense. But I was strangely numb – I had no more tears to cry after crying nearly daily for the last 3 months. I felt like he had taken everything from me – every last shred of dignity, self-respect and hope I had. And all I was left with – was an eating disorder to comfort me.
Since then I’ve never let anyone into my life. Sure I’ve had a few “friends with benefits” you might call them – but it was always all in good fun, and I never let it get serious. I used guys as a numbing mechanism when I was sick – because for the few moments I was with them I felt wanted/loved/like I was something again. But I never let them any deeper becaus e I didn’t feel like I deserved it. Deep inside my heart I felt I was nothing, good for nothing, worth nothing.
But over Christmas something changed. I met up with a very good, old friend of mine. We have a funny relationship – somewhere between friends with benefits and best friends. I’ve been with him through a very bad break up of his and he’ s been with me through my hospitalization and the ups and downs of my ED. But I’ve never let my guard down – not even around him. I still tried to hold it together – even when I was at my worst. He was always the one doing the talking – and I was always listening. But seeing him again – something was different. I didn’t notice it at first, I thought maybe it was because he had a potential girlfriend and I was afraid of losing one of my best friends. But one evening after having quite a bit too much to drink I broke down and I told him everything. Yup, I was one of those crying girls at bars that I swore never to be. Actually after my last boyfriend I swore never to cry in front of a guy – period. But at this point I was just tired – tired of being ok, of keeping everything together, of being strong. I told him everything – what was really going on at home, about the worst relapse of my life, about how I was scare of facing the future. And he held me and listened. Anyhow one thing led to another and I spent the night with his arm around me (again a girl chronically afraid of affection). And in the morning I realized – shit – I love this guy.
Wow, putting that into words is hard, because I don’t like admitting that I let someone into my life like that. It’s still hard for me to accept that I made myself “weak and vulnerable again”. But just letting those guards down was the most liberating feeling ever. And this love is a lot more mature then the ones I had before. This guy has a girlfriend- and I’m ok with that. We never talk – probably for that reason – and I’m also ok with that. Sure its not easy for me to think of them together, not sure if I could actually handle seeing them together. But I’m happy he’s found someone he’s happy with. I’m happy just knowing he’s happy. And even though we’re not in touch, and we might never see each other again, I don’t regret opening myself up to him. Because he made me realize something about myself – I finally love myself enough to let someone else love me.
So this Valentines instead of being depressed about having no one I celebrated the fact that I can now accept that I AM worth something, that I DO deserve someone that will treat me right, and that there are nice guys out there. And if I’ve managed to open myself up to one person and not be betrayed by them – it can and will happen again. And some day I will find the right person for me.
Quiestion of the day – was this the most sentimental/awkward post in the history of this blog or not?