A brain dump.

So much I want to say, yet so few words.

Currently in sort of a strange place in my life. Everything it seems I thought I knew I don’t know, and all I was sure of I quiestion.

Maintanence – a strange place to be. All I’ve known till now is weight gain, followed by a quick stint of weight loss and the cycle repeated. Now that I am in “maintanence” I keep finding myself thinking – what now? A part of me it itching to do something, move somewhere, to keep perfecting myself. Its the hardest thing in the world to just “be”, especially when you’re not yet comfortable with who you are.

So much has changed – both for good and for bad. My eating habits are all over the place, and the constant guessing game is tiering. I want to just throw in the towel and eat whatever – at the same time I know too much about nutrition and health to do that. Another part of me wants to get back to some sense of stability, some knowlage of absolutes. But I’m learning more and more is that nutrition is like religion – everyone believes a certain thing – it doesn’t make it right for wrong. There is some truth in everything – what you need to do is find what works for you. And my God – it’s a long, tiering process.

But – even through all the complication and bad body image days – I don’t regret my recovery thus far one bit. Am I 100% comfortable in my body – no I am not. Do I feel that I did everything “just right” – no I don’t. Do I wish I had done some things better – sure I do. But one thing I can say with 100% certainty is that a whole new world opened up to me that wasn’t available before. For once I can do anything, be anyone, go anywhere. It’s a whole sense of freedom that I’m just discovering. It’s scary, yet awesome at the same time.

And hell, if nothing else I’m getting a HECK of a lot of life experience though this. I mean – what other nutritionist can say they have experimented with this many diets, gone through an eating disorder and figured out what works for them (that part is still coming, but I’m hoping for the best). So at least maybe, long and tiering as this process may be – I MIGHT be able to figure it out and help someone else in the process. Just keeping it possitive

So yes, that is the reason I’m not posting as much – is because I’m not sure what to write about. Currently – I’m trying to keep my head above water, get my life in gear and pretend I have it all together for the outside world. Because lets face it, after 5 years obsessing about something – once you take that away you’re not exactly sure who you are anymore. SO thank you all for bearing with me while I figure all this out – hopefully it’ll be sooner rather then later.

And now – sleep. Tomorrow is another crazy day in the life of me

Body image blues

Yeah, I know I dissapeared off the radar again.

Well for one Easter break ended, and I’ve been a bit more busy. But to be honest – it’s more then that.

I’ve got the body image blues.

It was triggered by my post- easter food baby/bloat that still hasn’t gone down. I know I might have gained a little bit of weight, but I’m pretty sure most of it is water/bloating. That being said it doesn’t make my clothes fit better, or me feel better about myself AT ALL. So yes – it’s safe to say I’m struggling a bit here.

However it did bring to light some things I’ve learned about body image through my recovery journey.

1. The grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side. When I was underweight I would look at pictures of when I was at a healthy weight and think – “wow, you actually looked pretty good there”. Then once I get there, I always feel that pull to try to change or fix some part of my body or (and this pesky thought is the worst of them all) “lose a little weight”.

What helps: Reminding myself I was never happy at that low weight either – and now my body is healthier,I have more energy and everyone around me thinks I look better too (even f I can’t see it in myself)

2. Good body image isn’t something you wake up with – it’s something that is built up over time. Every day I look in the mirror and I have a choice – to see the bad and focus on it, or to see the good and focus on that. It’s not like one day you wake up in the morning and feel awesome for the rest of your life – it’s a day by day process.

When all is said and done I’d rather be the top girl then the bottom one any day. Just need to keep repeating that to myself

3. Body image has A LOT to do with your mood. I’m not sure if this is true for everyone or just for people who have an ED history, but speaking from personal experience – when I’m in a bad mood- frustrated, stressed etc. things get a whole lot worse.

What helps : remembering that fat isn’t a feeling and reasoning with myself (i.e if I wasn’t “chubby” yeasterday there is no way that I gained loads of weight from one day to the next. Thus it must all be in my head)

4. The way you treat yourself = the way you see yourself. Even if you don’t love your body – fake it till you make it. Paper yourself- paint your nails, dress nice, style your hair, put on some amazing scented lotion and let yourself feel like a princess. These things are especially hard to do when you feel like your lower then dirt – but like I said – fake it till you make it.

5. Body image issues are all in YOUR head. Meaning that no one else sees the things you do. Today my mom, my sister and I were all talking in my room. One thing led to another and my mom started going on about how she needed to lose weight for the spring. My sister and I started laughing and telling her there was no reason for that – which was great – till my sister started telling me that she also felt she had a flabby stomach (she is as slim as can be). Made me realize that noone else sees what I see when I look at myself, so I might as well just try to get over it

So… what’s my plan with this recent slump:

- get a haircut next week, try to keep dressing nice and feeling good

- work out a few times next week as a stress reliever

- eat clean/with a few healthy treats thrown in there

- focus on the other areas of my life that are important now – work, school etc. and get my thoughts onto the more important things in life.

And remember:

 

 

I am gonna beat this bitch, come hell or high water!

Freedom

Freedom :

- is the ability to do what you love and do it well, without your body not being able to keep up with your mind

- is the ability to focus and put your whole heart into something

- is the ability to feel again

- is the abilty to look at your body, squishy parts and all and think “hey I am a woman and this is beautiful”

- is the ability to respect and treat yourself well

- is not second guessing everything you do, and knowing that you don’t have to be perfect to be loved

 

I now realize I spent 5 years of my life in a caged box. There were times I thought it kept me safe, times I didn’t remember what the world outside was like. So I hid, i stayed inside, I fought those who tried to force me outs. I honestly had forgotten things could be any other way. But now as I step outside and breath the fresh air I thank God every day that I can live again. I am finally free!

 

Life now….

Hip hip hurray, a weekend at home!!!!

This is the first weekend at home I’ve had for a looooong time and it feels amazing.  I keep whining about how busy I am, and really I feel like I’m constantly running around and never getting around to the things I want to do. Example – I’ve been wanting to write up a post since the beginning of the week – and I only get around to it now. I wonder if it’s because I’m not good at time management or I really have that many to-do’s? Oh well, I guess I just need to learn as I go.

Mentally and health wise things are pretty ok. I would be lying to say that everything is a-ok 100% of the time, that I just love my body and how it looks, that my eating patterns are completly normal etc. But I will say that I really don’t think about it much – I do my best to eat in a way that is good for my body and that makes me feel good, I try to exercise when I can (recently it’s been 2-3 times a week ) I try to stay active and move around a lot. And I try to be happy with what I’ve got.

I used to live in a dream world that when I reached my goal weight I’d be 100% happy with my body, that I would love everything about it and not want to change a thing. Well, sorry to bust your bubble – but that’s not really the case.  I don’t always love my body, there are days that I have horrible body image issues – but overall I’m trying to learn to accept it – squishy parts and all. The more I obsess about it and try to change it – the worse I feel. So instead I’m learning to accept – accept the fact I will never have under x% body fat, accept that I will have a bit more “padding” on my tummy – I’m a woman after all, nothing shocking there. The less I compare myself to others and just accept how I am right now, the better I feel about mysef, so I’m trying to do just that.

Food recently has been really eat to live, don’t live to eat. Practically all my meals are of the “grab and go” variety, can’t remember the last time I spent longer then 30 minutes preparing AND eating something. I actually need to work on slowing down and mindfully eating more, because I find myself with some stomach unpleasentries simply from trying to shovel my food in within 5 minutes. But we live and learn, and with everything I’m trying to learn to find balance in this area of my life.

Remember when I went through a “binging” stage. Well I’m glad to report that it’s pretty much over. I actually haven’t had that “bottomless pit” feeling in a while  (last night was an exception because I exercised and didn’t eat enough during the day – but I would catogorize that under “late night snacking”) Not sure if this is because I’m at a healthy weight or because I am eating about 50% paleo. Meaning meat, eggs and oils again again – and more then I have in years. I won’t lie – the ethical issues still bother me A LOT,  but when beans make me feel like razor blades are travelling through my intestines, too much tofu makes me bloat, and it’s hard to eat enough nuts to constitute proper protein – you don’t have a whole lot of options. But really, if you have a problem with binging – look into upping your protein and FAT. Seriously the more fat I eat the better I feel – it’s still kind of hard for me because I have hang ups with that, but I’m working on it.

Eggs – almost a daily breakfast for me – scrambled in coconut oil with spinach and tomato

Since the start of winter I haven’t been drinking my smoothies as much – but this was a nice treat – classic protein powder, spinach, banana (topped with homemade banana/coconut butter)- yum!

Random snack plate – pickled herring (love), various veggies in the fridge, PB and hummus. I actually ended up eating a few PB bites with the fish and it was surprisingly good.

More eggs – fried in coconut oil of course

A more adventurous I tried Carrot’n'Cakes “French toast breakfast scramble” I added 2 eggs an one banana and nixed the honey since it was too sweet for me anyway.

(None of these pictures constitute a full meal – these are just the food I actually SAT DOWN for. Believe me there was multiple peanut butter spoon dipping action going on between, during and after )

And what else – that’s about it/  As I say every time I post I will try to post more about my thoughts, day to day happenings etc – if I get around to it

Enjoy your Sunday everyone And here’s to a happy week ahead.

Love and other complicated things….. (about learning to love yourself first)

(Warning, you are about to read the sappiest post, possibly in the history of your life. So buckle up and bare with me if you think it’s worth it)

Ok, so I’m going to start off by saying this post is going to be intensely personal, and although it’s kind of weird to write these kind of things up for all to see, it’s something I do want to get off my chest. Also most of those reading this blog I already consider friends,  so it’s not all that strange for me.

Valentines day used to be a difficult time for me. Generally I spent most of my valentines days pretty miserable, because I didn’t have that special someone. This might not  seem like a big deal to some of you, but relationships and all things love related have a kind of negative connotation with me.

Let’s just say I’ve never had a normal relationship. For real. I had a few flings here and there in my early teen years, but nothing serious. The first time I “fell in love”  (can you even call it that if you’re that young) was when I was 15.It was a dark time of my life, I was struggling with some pretty intense depression along with going through all the normal teenage insecurities you go through at that age. In any case I guess I kind of latched on to the first person that showed me any kind of  kindness. And he was a nice guy, don’t get me wrong, and to this day I wonder if he didn’t by any chance feel the same way. Of course before anything could develop he moved further away and although he would still call me and tell me how much I meant to him, and how much he missed me etc., the next time I saw him he was snuggling up to another friend of mine. Well all that to say it was a harsh slap in the face for a girl that was as naive as I was back then, and definitely did little for my self esteem.

Then came my first ( and kind of unfortunately last ) relationship. I had actually met him a few years back when I was 13 at a music festival. We kept in touch more or less and there was definitely some chemistry there, but never met up since then. Anyhow when I was 15 he offered to come visit me.  I figured, why not? So we worked everything out and during that short visit I managed to fall in love with him. He made me feel beautiful, noticed, special – everything I was desperately needing at the time. And it somehow happened.  He was my first and I wanted him to be.  I remember crying the night he left, and knowing I would never forget him.

Turned out I didn’t have to, because he decided to move close to where I was and stay for good. He felt the same way about me I did about him, and to be honest at first I was overjoyed. My parents cautioned me not to get involved, he was much older then me (21) and I was still young and naive. But what girl listens to her parents, especially about things like that? I threw myself head first into this relationship, expecting it to be roses and rainbows the whole way.Well I was in for a shock,  because you should never put all your hopes on one person. I’ve blocked out my memories and burned all the journals from that time, because they were just too painful. It turns out the “love of my life” had a dark side. He was a manic depressive, and definitely fed that side of my nature. He was also emotionally and physically abusive to me and blamed me for this fits of depression. He was horribly possessive and jealous - I couldn’t do ANYTHING without him. I never said the right thing, did the right thing, was good enough. He often told me that my only positive attributes were my good looks. Around this time I started my extreme dieting that turned into anorexia. He knew about it, but did nothing to stop it. I desperately wanted him to, wanted him to support me, to pull me out of the the dark hole I was getting sucked into. But he had his head to far up his own ass (sorry for the language) to notice I was disappearing before his eyes.  Our relationship lasted about 6 months, and as much as I felt trapped in it and hurt by it, I loved him too much to let it go. They say love is blind and that is what my love was, blind to how much he was hurting me, blind to the fact I deserved better, blind to the fact that you can’t help anyone who won’t help themselves.  In the end my friends and family (most of whom didn’t know about my relationship) decided even this friendship of mine was hurting me too much to let it continue. Later on they told me that it looked like my life was being sucked out of me a little more each and every day. Anyhow my parents basically banned him from seeing me again (at this point I knew it was for the best), and he had a screaming fit right in front of my house – almost like he was possessed  It scared me so bad – that scene is ingrained in my head forever. He had been drinking and said and did some horrible things that night – he threatened to kill himself – and at that moment I believed him. Some of my friends were crying, the air was tense. But I was strangely numb – I had no more tears to cry after crying nearly daily for the last 3 months.  I felt like he had taken everything from me – every last shred of dignity, self-respect and hope I had. And all I was left with – was an eating disorder to comfort me.

Since then I’ve never let anyone into my life. Sure I’ve had a few “friends with benefits” you might call them – but it was always all in good fun, and I never let it get serious. I used guys as a numbing mechanism when I was sick – because for the few moments I was with them I felt wanted/loved/like I was something again. But I never let them any deeper becaus e I didn’t feel like I deserved it. Deep inside my heart I felt I was nothing, good for nothing, worth nothing.

But over Christmas something changed. I met up with a very good, old friend of mine. We have a funny relationship – somewhere between friends with benefits and best friends. I’ve been with him through a very bad break up of his and he’ s been with me through my hospitalization and the ups and downs of my ED.  But I’ve never let my guard down – not even around him. I still tried to hold it together – even when I was at my worst. He was always the one doing the talking – and I was always listening. But seeing him again – something was different. I didn’t notice it at first, I thought maybe it was because he had a potential girlfriend and I was afraid of losing one of my best friends. But one evening after having quite a bit too much to drink I broke down and I told him everything. Yup, I was one of those crying girls at bars that I swore never to be. Actually after my last boyfriend I swore never to cry in front of a guy – period.  But at this point I was just tired – tired of being ok, of keeping everything together, of being strong. I told him everything – what was really going on at home, about the worst relapse of my life, about how I was scare of facing the future. And he held me and listened. Anyhow one thing led to another and I spent the night with his arm around me (again a girl chronically afraid of affection). And in the morning I realized – shit – I love this guy.

Wow, putting that into words is hard, because I don’t like admitting that I let someone into my life like that. It’s still hard for me to accept that I made myself “weak and vulnerable again”. But just letting those guards down was the most liberating feeling ever. And this love is a lot more mature then the ones I had before. This guy has a girlfriend- and I’m ok with that. We never talk – probably for that reason – and I’m also ok with that. Sure its not easy for me to think of them together, not sure if I could actually handle seeing them together. But I’m happy he’s found someone he’s happy with. I’m happy just knowing he’s happy. And even though we’re not in touch, and we might never see each other again, I don’t regret opening myself up to him. Because he made me realize something about myself – I finally love myself enough to let someone else love me.

So this Valentines instead of being depressed about having no one I celebrated the fact that I can now accept that I AM worth something, that I DO deserve someone that will treat me right, and that there are nice guys out there. And if I’ve managed to open myself up to one person and not be betrayed by them – it can and will happen again. And some day I will find the right person for me.

Quiestion of the day – was this the most sentimental/awkward post in the history of this blog or not?

Acceptance comes before understanding (operation love your body pt. 3)

Recently I’ve been thinking……

What if I just stopped caring about having a “healthy” diet?

What if I let go of the idea of a perfect body?

What if I just lived life?

I’ve spent so much time recently looking into the “perfect diet” for me. The reason – well aside from the fact that I have food allergies yet unknown to man (grain and dairy intolerant anyone?) and a balloon decided to take up permanent residence in my stomach 24/7 (bloating like you can only imagine),  and some serious fatigue issues – I also now have reached my target weight which means…. I’ve become more food conscious  I want to keep gaining, but muscle not fat. I’m not super thrilled about this perpetual pooch that has developed around my stomach that seems grossly disproportionate to the rest of my body.

But I’m coming to realize that acceptance comes before understanding – that means that before I really let go of all my old eating habits and hang ups I need to realize I may never have a perfectly flat stomach, I might never  figure out a diet that works for me 100%, I might never really attain to my perfect fitness level, I might never have a body fat level lower than X %.  And in order to really live life I need to accept that and stop caring. Of course I want to do the best I can to be healthy, I want to find a diet that enables me to have as few stomach problems as possible. I want to feel good about my body, be fit and have high energy levels.  But it can’t become my life’s obsession, and I don’t want  it to be.

No friggen way I’m eating this endlessly again. The days of restricted eating are behind me and I’m not going back

So I will choose to accept, and love my body the way it is right now. Not love the idea of what it could be, not love the idea of what it was , love what it is right now, at this moment. And then stop thinking about it and move on with my life.

And just to regain some perspective – check out this article. Honestly after reading this I was like – what the heck am I complaining about.

Click here  for the link to this girl’s amazing story.

 

 

 

Now a very personal question  – honestly how much of your thoughts to your body/diet occupy your mind? For me, it’s about 30% of my thoughts, but I NEED to make that change ASAP.

Operation love your body pt 2.

Ten things I’m loving about my “new body”

1. I have/am getting curves. I’m looking more like a woman as opposed to a pre-teen boy.
2. I have energy – I can walk, run, dance, clean, work and do the things I love without feeling faint, exhausted after less then 20 minutes.
3. I can go into clothing shops and try on clothes and have them actually fit, and most of my old clothes are fitting better as well
4. My hair, skin and nails are all much stronger, looking healthier.
5. People no longer stare at me because I am so painfully thin, I’m getting less and less comments about my low weight.
6. I can walk around in a t-shirt , or tight clothes without feeling self conciouse
7. My eyes have that old familiar sparkle in them again.
8. I can sit for over half an hour and feel comfortable, my bones don’t poke me.
9. I have so many more possibilities now, both in my work and personal life, that I didn’t have before.
10. I can look in the mirror, smile, and say “I love my body” and mean it 50% of the time 

 

 

This my friends  is a picture of a REAL woman. And she is beautiful – curves and all!

(This list wasn’t easy to write out. Recently I’m having really bad body image days – generally due to the constant bloating going on right now, and feeling kind of frustrated about it. But at times like this it helps me to remember what this is all for, why I want this. It gives me the little ooph I need to keep on going and moving in the right direction – even when it’s the last thing I want to do at times.)

What keeps you motivated to keep up your healthy habits ?

Experiment – day 1 and 2

Thank you guys who commented on my last post. It’s good to know that you’re not alone in all this appetite madness. It really does get a bit overwhelming at times, but I’m trying to keep a positive attitude and enjoy this whole learning process.

I thought it might be fun to do an online journal of sorts of this eating experiment of mine. Since it’s  all a learning process I thought maybe if I put it out there it might be helpful to someone else down the line. And if not, well it provides some perspective for me in the long run. So here goes…

 

Day 1:

Breakfast was a protein omlet/pancake of sorts topped with apple sauce, almonds and flax.  Was good and filling, but didn’t sit in my stomach too long, no stomach pain (which is always a plus).

The rest of the day my eating was sporatic because  was on the go all day long, working out some paper work at my uni. Snacks were fruit and lunch was split pea soup and some rice cakes with butter and an egg. I seem to be cravin butter like it’s no bodies buisness, I’m imagining it’s my bodies way of asking for more fat. My evening meal was eaten at work – that was a PB sandwich and a banana. I think I’m in the habit of muching in the evening because before sleeping I drank a cup of steamed soy milk and called it a night.

Day 2:

I woke up SO hungry this morning. Usually it takes at leat 30 minutes to an hour after I first open my eyes before my appetite kicks in, but today it was there since I opened my eyes.  I was missing my beloved oats and decided to try some this morning, but I was so hungry I felt it wasn’t enough so I boiled an egg as well. After eating I was STUFFED, but my stomach hurt, I was bloated and then hungry less then two hours later – what the heck?

 

I should have known to eat sooner, but I was silly and I tried to hold off my hunger till lunch – BAAAD idea. Ended up eating way more junk then I wanted to for lunch and then feeling guilty for the rest of the day because of it.  Lesson learned – listen to your body and not your head. The rest of the day was some pretty sporatic eating at work – I was starving all day and seemed to be munching anything and everything and drinking loads and loads of coffee.  I still need to figure out if the oats were the cause of my stomach troubles this morning, and if a carb heavy meal is really what I need to kick off the day. Also, I think I need to go on a mini-sugar and coffee detox – I still have my pre-exam habit of 4 coffees a day, which is robbing my body of vitamins and seriously sabotaging my energy I think.

So goals for tomorrow – drink less coffee, eat more fats and learn to savor your food/don’t let yourself get too hungry.

Also operation “love your body” needs to get a seriouse boost because I had my first really bad body image day in a while . I actually broke down a little earlier on because I just feel so… bleh. Anyhow, tomorrows a new day, and hopefully a better one.

 

What’s one food you think you could never live without? For me it used to be my beloved oats – but I guess life likes to surprise you when you least expect it.

Operation love your body.

……

(I really have no idea how to start this post)

Ok, well let’s start by saying the body image has always been an issue for me. ALWAYS. Since I was a teen I worried about how I looked, I compared myself to my friends – their hair, complexion, body shape and the list goes on. I don’t remember being really happy with myself since age 11.

Of course things got worse over the years. Enter hurtful coments when I hit puberty and started putting on weight, an emotionally abusive boyfriend and ED and I was set w with enough negative body image  for life.

I never ever felt pretty, or at least not for a very long time. There were times between the ages of 11-13 that I felt attractive at times, but aside from that – nope. Even decked out with makeup and dressed well I can’t help but feel stangly unattractive, like something just didn’t fit. Even when people told me I looked good I never believed them, i just thought they were being nice.

Being extremely skinny I never felt pretty either. To be honest in the past year my eating issues never really revolved around me being “thin enough”, at a certain point I could tell I was too skinny – I could just never stop, you know? I have actually sat in front of the mirror and cried at the sceletal figure I saw staring back at me. But I never seemed to have the power to stop.

I can happilly say that now I’m a world farther away then I was then. So much so that for the first time in a LONG time I have “fat” days.  And guess what – it sucks! I’m happy my body has changed, that I’m filling out, that I walk around in a t-shirt and not have people stare at me because I’m sceletal. But….. there still are those little bits of my body I wish I could cut out and THEN I would be happy.

But would I really? The answer is – probably not because I’d find the next thing I don’t like to pick on. The problem is not with my body, it’s with my head. And untill I get things straightened out up there there’s no way I’ll ever be ok with things down here.

So I’m starting operation “love your body”. It’s a tough one, because I’ve never been at a place where I love my body, I’ve never really reached contentment. But the road to any accimplishment starts with the first step, I’m going to take that step.

So exercise no.1 for this week is: look in the mirror and tell yourself one thing you like about yourself.

 

Have you ever had or do you have body image issues? How did you get over them, how are you getting over them?

Name one thing you like about yourself?

Jumping off the cliff.

In thinking about it today, I realized that I reached a cross road in my recovery.

Physically, I’m in a much better place then I was in the beggining of summer. I’ve put on a significant amount of weight, and  that makes me happy (most of the time). I have more energy, I feel better most of the time. I have much fewer fear foods then I did, I am not such a health freak as I was before. I eat what I like, when I like. I eat less veggies and focus a bit more on other food groups.I haven’t done any seriouse cardio exercise in a LONG time and I don’t count calories or obsess about exchanges.

But I’m at a cross roads. I’m so close to full recovery, I can almost taste it.  And I want it, I want to keep moving forward, but I lack the motivation. Not that I lack the motivation , but I need something to give me that extra push. It’s strange because a part of me wants me to start working out again, wants me to start obsessing about gaining JUST muscle and no fat. Of eating 100% clean and not allowing myself a bunch of things. I part of me wants so bad to grab onto that security blanket that my ED was. And then the other part just wants to fling myself into recovery full force. To eat what I want, when I want.  To not think about food or calories, or how much weight I’m gaining, where I’m gaining. To just live.

The quiestion remains – why don’t I? Why don’t I embrace life? What don’t I throw myself into it full force and just let it take me where it wants to. The answer is – because I’m scared. I’m scared of life. I developed an ED to cope with the fact that my world felt shattered, the I was unhappy with my life and I felt trapped.  And although a lot has changed since that time, not everything has.

I still am not really happy with my life. I have my studies, I have a job…. and yet I feel somehow empty. I lack the joy of life. It’s something that my ED + an abusive relationship took away from me, and I don’t know where to find it anymore. I know that happiness is all around us, we just have to go and find it. But where do I look? I haven’t known for a while – so I’ve resorted to watching the scale go down, to being perfect in every way possible to try to fill that empty void. When that failed I pushed myself past breaking point to try to forget the things that still haunt me. To forget that I never feel good enough, that I feel like I’m not loved, to feel so lost in my own life.

I’m afraid of letting go, because I don’t know if I’ll be strong enough on my own to cope with life. What if I never find who I’m supposed to be, and what I’m supposed to do? What if I never find anyone to love me? What if I never find happiness? How will I deal with that.

I know you never know until you try… but it’s so terrifing. Feels like I’m jumping off a cliff with no safety net. And I’m not sure if I’m brave enough to take that leap.

But what if?

What if it is worth it? What if letting go is the key to happiness? What if I find joy in my life again? What if this is the only way to move forward with my life and realize my dreams.

This was taken a day after my release from the hospital (I had hit my target weight)

 

 

Taken about 2 years ago when we first moved here.

I think it’s pretty obviouse which girl looks better/happier. I’m just not sure how to get there again….

“Faith is jumping off a cliff and knowing that one of two things will happen – that the ground will rise up beneath you, or you will be taught how to fly.”

I need to make that jump….